[sniper968]

http://bigfuck.blogs...-episode-3.html

First, I'll say this much - it's ok. The effects are pretty cool from
time to time, and, well, whatever. It's not that horrible a movie.
Unfortunately, Natalie Portman looks even less babelishess in this one, Hayden
Jerkoffsen is even more fucking annoying, and they're still trying to make
Yoda look like a badass. I know he's a super powerful Jedi master, but they
have to understand, two-feet muppets are NEVER badass. Ok, maybe there's,
like, ONE scene where he's awesome, for like two seconds. But after that, he
just made me giggle.

Also, the bad guys are not cool. I'm sure most of you know the general gist
of the plot, right - young skywalker obviously becomes Vader, and if you
don't know going into it that Palpatine is a bad guy, you obviously don't
know enough Star Wars to justify your caring that these are spoilers. You
know, everyone likes Darth Vader. He's a badass. He has a badass costume,
even if it does occasionally make him look like a walking portapotty. So the
question is, why is he such a fucking tool in the movie? You watch the movie
and tell me he's not a tool. It's like, the dark lord of the Sith pulls all
the oldest tricks in the book, and Mr. Strong-in-the-force is the biggest
shit-for-brains in the galaxy. Apparently, being strong in the force makes
you a fucking retard.

Evidence for this:

1) The Jedi council is a bunch of pig headed numbnuts (yes, even Mr. Mace
Windu). you'd expect Jedi masters to be wise, and perhaps a little flexible,
but they seriously spend the movie acting like five year olds with
lightsabers. The ones who aren't rash, impulsive dumbasses are the most
naive poopyheads. If their naivety was a spherical object, it would make the
deathstar look like an Ewok's testicles. Obi-Wan is kind of cool, but he's
still a credulous bastard.

2) The emperor can't come up with any better way of manipulating an
impressionable young kid than through the use of the most basic,
transparent, test-book style emotional blackmail. His acting skills suck,
too, 'oooh, look at meeee, I'm a weak old man, who coincidentally looks like
evil incarnate...saaaave me!' Considering the fucking kid falls for it,
though, I suppose he's justified. Whatever.

3) Anakin Skywalker, allegedly the best jedi in the galaxy, is also the
biggest dumbass this side of Coruscant. I still can't get over what a
fucking douchebag this kid is.

4) The coolest character in the Star Wars universe is still Han Solo, and he
ain't no jedi. Thank goodness, because then he'd be a fucking tightass. You
don't need a lightsaber to be cool. Remember the Temple of Doom, where he
shot that guy who had a sword? I know, that's a different series, but man,
it was a cool movie. Harrison Ford is a badass.

5) Dark Lords come up with shitty names for themselves. Darth Sidious? Gee,
who would you trust if it came down to it? A guy with a normal name, or a
guy called Darth SIDIOUS? Does this not sound evil to you? Way to be subtle,
dipshit. Kiss my ass. The best name, though, is Count DOOKU. Who the fuck
calls himself Count DOOKU? That must be the most toot name in the galaxy.
Fucking toot.

6) Yoda's grammar, suck it does. Talk normal can he not? Suck a dick, will
he! You know, I wouldn't really give a shit about Yoda's grammar if he
wasn't all zen and shit. He was pretty funny in the other episodes, which
made him cool. You can't talk like your grade school teacher didn't teach
you English, and then expect to have deep, cheem, meaning-of-life type
lines. That's just retarded. Bah.

Finally, I figure that all 3 of the first trilogy have been missing the Han
Solo character. Honestly, most of the characters in the old trilogy were
kind of douche-y. Boba Fett is cool, I suppose, and so is, err, Darth Vader,
I guess, but man, the guy you'd be cheering for was obviously the young
Harrison Ford; he made the fucking movies. While Ewan MacGregor makes a real
cool Obi-Wan, it doesn't make up for the fact that there isn't some
wise-cracking graduate from the greatest dens of scum and villany in the
universe who eventually turns good and carries the whole show. This is a
damn shame, because now you have a bunch of tightasses posturing for an hour
and a half, and, to be quite frank, that's downright shitty.

Then again, considering the quality of the lines, perhaps it's better they
didn't have a character like that. The repartee between Anakin and Padme
makes me want to bust out my own set of Jedi skills. First, I would force
vomit all over them, then I would bust out force throw popcorn. Finally, if
I hadn't paid good money to see the show, I would force walk out of the
theater, because they are really fucking annoying. See my impressive jedi
skills, and feel the force, motherfucker.

All in all, the effects are kind of good, and the fact that I was laughing
at the bad lines made the movie kind of a fun, campy experience, but man, if
you're looking to come out of the movie thinking, 'wow, what an awesome
movie' you will be disappointed, because the franchise has definitely turned
to the dark side, and not in a good way. Go watch Sin City instead, because
man, that movie is fucking badass.

That is all.

Oh, if you want more plot-specific reasons why this movie sucked, go read
Ray's review on Squarebrain. I think he got it pretty much right (and he's
so considerate, too, changing the colour to protect you all from reading
spoilers).

Ok, that's really all.

[Dartholomew]

you are teh funny!!!!