[Mnesymone]

Glad you liked it... that bit was thoroughly weird and took me all of not much time to do it - it was even weirder reading it in posted form than writing it. Might put some more randomness up soon - did anyone notice I actually plugged my own work in that chapter?

[Emu]

Nonsense is fun. These are hilarious. One day I will write one.

[Slade]

And I will fight off the vulptuous allure of Pirates! tomorrow and write my chapter.

[Mnesymone]

How are we doing for total crap count so far?
If this gets published... well. Someone needs to post an actual chapter containing the dinner of leeks.

Chapter The First: The Skywalkers of Luke Adventure & other resort destinations.

This tale grew in the telling, beginning as those small microorganisms that cohere to form a primitive sluglike creature, then proceeding on to something as truly massive as a skiprock before it grew unto such size as a human foot. The tale continued to grow - and soon it was as large as a wombat and needed a name and so I called it "The Kingdom of Asturias" but not because it pertained to the kingdom of Asturias, but because it did not relate to the kingdom of Asturias in any way. And so, Michael ate the sandwich of salt with pepper. Anyhoo, me digress, as I said I called it "The Kingdom of Asturias", but I disagreed. Not with myself, for I am not, at least last time a checked, a schizophrenic (drawn from the same latin roots a schism and phrenology) but because I and I are two different personages as distinct from personalities. I am me, and I is a very charming young eunuch whose grandmother was desired by Zeus and so Zeus turned her into a computer and himself into a floppy disk and by their union was born Filecules.pdf and his sister Datamnestra.mpeg who had the remarkable ability to download movies off the internet and stream them throughout her body and when she made out with guys the movies would play in their heads... by this extraordinary talent she had no trouble finding love and thusly I was born. But I had a terrible accident with a castrating laser, and became a Eunuch and set about writing stories with me. And as aforementioned, our story grew until the size it was of a wombat and I called it "the Kingdom of Asturias" but when it had grown to the size of an estuarine crocodile I decided to rename it "The Lord of the Moose: The Fellowship of the Fish." but even as I thought of the name the story grew to the size of an aboroth which was confusing for all since an aboroth has no predetermined size and so I was forced to call it "The Amusing and Vomit-Inducing Tragic Affair of Doctor Yoga and Mister Pilates." By this time, Michael killed a chihuahua with a flamethrower, wrapped a tortilla around its smouldering body and ate it which is, actually, where the term 'hot dog' came from. And now the story, which is called "How I and I were able to triumph over adversity and castration by writing this story."

Would you, dear reader, like to read this story?
I thought not... I'll just burn it now since it is obviously of no use, for all it is the size of a Mumak.

[Reader]

A as-of-yet untitled short work of utterly revolting fiction. by M. "Reader" Read:

The gong going 'gong' across the lake was an indication that our time was over. It also symbolized our resonating love for one another.
In my mind, i pleaded with the fates, "Please!"
"OK" they answered. I wish i had actually pleaded for something in particular.
My eyes were still fixed to hers. There was no sign of the turning i wanted.
"Are you going to stare at me all day?"
"I already did. It is now night."
"I never loved you."
A whoosh in the air. Her red hair obscured her visage. Prior to this moment in time we were jettisoned. From what, i don't know, but seeing my blood on the wall and noticing my head leaking implied a flying impact. I stood and admired her unscathedness.
"You're dying, sir."
I shunned the notion of my imminent doom. My thoughts were better spent elsewhere, such as my vision becoming blurred and my speech not corresponding to my thought patterns. My bum fell hard on the stone street. Swinging my head upwards i see the silhoutte of a large pointed.... silhoutte.
"That's my boat. I'm sorry we had to meet." She turned and walked, fading out of comprehension as i faded into unconsciouness.
* * *
I came to at dawn. I felt safe, free. The pain of lost love hurt like a fractured skull, but optimism washed over me. I felt like the earth was my own to mold into my own image. I grabbed at the ground to find the cemented stone had reverted to mere specks of their former selves. I also noticed the morning tide nipping at my toes. It was cold and definately not dry, and yet paid not to the sea did I.

....the end...

[SimeSublime]

Chapter the Elephant: Of Cults and Cakes

And so I said to him, I said "who's the one in the middle?" And you know what? She said "It's a fish". Now, I'm no plondike, but I tell you, a fish is a fish is a fish is a goat. What with all the wild buffaloes running by, you'd think the evil caslte of Zim was trying to eat my foot. Aunt Marjopore once made this perfectly clear when she invited the castle of Zim over to dinner. It creaked through the doors and stompded down the hall, before picking up a pawn and breaking his neck. The castle then arrived at the table, and reformed into it's immobile form. Aunt Margerypore then lifted me onto the table, in an effort to place my leg on his plate. I screamed and screamed, and fortunatly Miguel came to my rescue. "Oh thank the Gods" I said to Miguel. He simply replied "All glory to the Dark Lord Kublatan"in a droning, monotone voice. So, thank Kublatan I did. The next day I rode my numbat around to Kublatan's house. It was up a very tall hill, so I had to ride really fast to stop the storm cloud from digesting me. As I knocked on the door, it opened of it's own accord. I stepped into the dark, and the door swung shut with a resounding *tink*. I jumped, and then heard a cackle of tittering. I looked up to find a young girl in a pink dress with golden curls. I greeted the Dark Lord Kublatan, and the blue eyed one fluttered her eyelashes and blushed. I shuddered as she offered me a lolliepop, thinking of it's obvious evilness. As she sat back and made a flower necklace, I could just see her eradicating humanity with her vile loathsomness. I ran for the exit, but it was barred. The damnable gnomes again! Once more, the cunning little bastards had conspired against me. One day, I would destroy them all, but that time is still long to come. For I was trapped in the house. Why was I trapped in the house? I did not know. Perhaps it had to do with my overwhelming urge to grow a moustache. Or perhaps it was related to my lack of bridge building in the previous months. Months that could have been spent constructing flawless creations of magesty and transportness. It was this that ambled through my mind at the speed of a concorde on speed. And so it was that I jumped for the window. But woe is me! The window was in fact made of snakes. How I missed this before, only Aunt Margerine could know. Well, her and the cunning gnomes that most likely put it in place. And of course the Dark Lord Kublatan, devil curse her golden heart. And so it was that I found myself in the garden, being carried away by a troop of badgers. I fought to stand, but they slapped me on the hand and told me to behave. I shunned their company, and jumped for the fence. Finally, Boris was with me and I managed to escape. I collected my numbat and road home, having learnt a valuable lesson that day: A seagull is what a seagull is.

[J m HofMarN]

Great stuff, absolutely great, but it really needs to be longer. We're not even half done even though I've written ten thousand words worth of filler. I just got a letter from Publish America today asking me once again for the book so I think we might be taking a bit too long. If everyone can get a 10 page chapter in we'll have enough to publish. I've written maybe 20 pages already without counting the filler but I plan to write some more to help out. If all goes well the book will be available by Christmas.

[floppydisk]

Well, summer's here. And you know what that means...

[J m HofMarN]

Yes its unfortunate that people have lives but utterly unavoidable. Still, this is for many a once in a life time opportunity to have their writings published. And if we don't get a lot more I'm going to have to use some of my Martin Chuzzlewit stuff

[floppydisk]

Well, what I meant was that I'll be sitting around doing bloody nothing, so I should have a lot of crap to write for this. But I guess with the vaugeness of what I said, it can go either way.

Edit: Wait, are they actually gonna make a book outta this, or will it be on the net only?

This post has been edited by floppydisk: 24 May 2005 - 02:36 PM

[J m HofMarN]

It is going to be a physical, in print, for sale, paper and ink, book. That's why I'm so hyped over this. If it were just Epublishing I wouldnt bother.

[Voodoo Dog]

Darn it, I can't help but notice my story stands out like a sore thumb compared to the others, now that I've read them. The publishers are going to see it as the razor blade of seriousness in the candy floss of douglas adamesque surreal humour. Does anyone think JM should leave it out?

[floppydisk]

It is going to be a physical, in print, for sale, paper and ink, book. That's why I'm so hyped over this. If it were just Epublishing I wouldnt bother.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

DUDE! I didn't know that! I'm going to buy a copy, then buy a copy for my friends. Do we get royalties, or anything? (Not that I expect much... )

VD: At this point, we can leave nothing out.

[Mnesymone]

Not even my impregnated country girls and the indeterminate size of an aboroth?

Man you must be desperate. I'll put some more crap up in a few hours then.

[J m HofMarN]

VD- Edit it to make it more nonsensical, that might help a bit.

Floppy Disk- This company is notorious for slacking on paying royalties. However if there are any royalties I'll give 50% of them to disadvantaged forum members, whose names don't need to be named.

Mnesymone- We have maybe 30000 words if we're lucky and I promised them 70000 so we really have to start writing longer pieces. I think I can stall them for one more week and then that's it.