[J m HofMarN]

Alright keep em coming, like I said we need at least ten pages from all the contributers, every little bit helps though.

Flopy Disk- That was really excellent! It's a shining example of something that I dont know what it is! Might we get more?

[floppydisk]

You will indeed get more, though I just realized that what I wrote is so horrible it's not even funny in a laughing-at-it way.

Edit: Yeah, the history teacher thing happened to me yesterday, and did anyone get the Fat Chicks In Party Hats reference?

This post has been edited by floppydisk: 21 May 2005 - 10:15 AM

[J m HofMarN]

I was wondering if that was coincidental or on purpose. Good job with that.

[floppydisk]

Thanks. Here's another part.

When I first met John Jingleheimer, he was in a closet. A broom closet to be exact. I’m not sure what he was doing in there, and I may never know. All I know is that he was in a broom clolset, almost dangerously close to the mops.

I think that he ate some bleach, because the next day I saw him, he was a half-black half-Mexican Jew named Miguel. He had also acquired a Mexican accent and a hairdo that looked almost exactly lyke a mop.

He said “How you like my new hair?! Lol!” I had to look at him a fuuny way before he finally walked away.


That same day I went to my Aunt Marjpore to bake some of her favorite famous Liberty cake. When I got there, my whole family was gathered around the table, fighting over the last piece of fish paste. Uncle Jakob was gnawing on the back of Grandma Melt’ wig, while Aunt Marjpore was beating them bothe with a stick to separate them.

I yelled “Friends, friends, why is it that you fight? Stop this senseless violence, don’t you know there are Chinese kids who would rip your arms off for that fish paste?”

Uncle Jakob said “Grandma Melt insists on having the last piece for herself. I wannit.”

“Uncle Jakob, you silly goose, don’t you know about sharing? Sharing is caring, fun for everyone. Haven’t your Barney tapes taught you anything?”

“You’re right, nameless narrator, I have been a selfish boy. I will go now to lock myself into my closet with a repentant attitude.”

Grandma Melt stared with a wooden exp​ression.

“That’s not necessary,” I said. “You realize your mistake, and now we can all equally contribute to our wholesome family fun.”

Aunt Marjpore cheered and all was well in the household once again.

[Ninja Duck]

Chapter Something: The Malady of the Missing Monies


The day started like any other day, except with more toothpaste than normal. This confused and scared me, and is possibly why I didn't pick up that hitch-hiker on the ol' highway. I just didn't have the bold and adventurous spirit to take him and harvest his organs. I could have given him a piggyback ride to the nearest meat shop, but I just kept walking. It's not something I'm proud of.

That was the day Pedro came to town. He burnt down our banks and flayed our sheep. I don't think I ever totally forgave him for that.

"Sir," sez I, "There are some things people just shouldn't do to banks and/or sheep."

"Yeah, what do you know?" Pedro retorted. "Bounder!"

"Blackguard!" I moaned.

"Cad!" he lashed back with his lash-like wit.

"Scoundrel!" I proposed.

"Rakehell!" he countered in one fell swoop.

We kissed and made up. But we're not gay. Not that it would be wrong if we were. I have a dream that one day, gays will be allowed to hold hands and frolic without getting any weird looks. And on an unrelated note, one day, all the supermarkets that we know and love will sell frilly underpants for men. On the shelf where children can reach them. Keeping frilly undergarments from children is censorship, and censorship is wrong.

Pedro waved his pipe at me jovially. "It seems that the bank has been robbed, old bean."

"I resent your flippant tone regarding banks, for as I have just narrated, you burnt several of ours down recently," I intoned resentfully with a flip of my (non-gay) hand.

"You, sir, are an obstacle to justice," he told me. But he did not kill me. But he did eat a grilled ham and cheese sandwich, and meat is murder. Furthermore, cheese is arson. Together we went to the bank, because the Wal-Mart was closed for Boxing Day.

Pedro stared visually with his eyes. "Look!" he cried. "Fingerprints!"

It was true. "What does this tell us?" I begged.

"Our culprit has fingers."

"And fingerprints," I added.

"He HAD fingerprints," Pedro reprimanded me. "He obviously left them here."

"Pedro, how can I become as wise as you?"

Pedro cleared his throat. "First, you have to sharpen your fingernails, so you can climb walls, provided the walls aren't harder than your fingernails. And you have to have seven letters in your name. Like Perdro. From now on my name is Perdro."

I was quite literally shocked to death. "Wasn't your name Pedro?"

"I'm changing it. I'm the only elf whose name makes me sound like a Mexican."

"But Perdro! We loved you for your racial ambiguity!" But Perdro would speak no more of it.

First, we had to list our suspects. Our suspects had to have fingerprints. While making our list, we could include persons such as G.I. Joe and Kim Jong-Il, both of whom are suspected of having fingerprints at one point of time. We couldn't include people such as The Gingerbread Man, because he reportedly had most of his fingerprints severed in a dreadful lightsaber duel. In conclusion, making lists is difficult, but with practice, anyone can do it.

By the time we had finished with our list, the bank robber had struck twelve more times. But we had a list. We were ready. Ready until I saw my Aunt Margaret, wearing nothing but some clothes and a feather boa.

"Oh no!" shrieked Perdro! "It's a romantic subplot!"

Perdro whisked away my dear Aunt Margie to the mountains and they lived in a cabin along with their butler, Sancho. They got married on a glorious August day and I got to throw some flowers. Sancho looked on and sharpened his pocketknife, for he wasn't getting married that day, in case that wasn't clear.

The next step in the investigation was to look for DNA. DNA, for the uneducated, is deoxyribonucleic acid, and because it is an acid, it can eat through everything, including the floor. So, basically, we were looking for DNA-shaped holes in the floor. We didn't find any. Perdro would scold me forever because of that. "Can't find any DNA holes? What's wrong with you?" he'd say to me.

"Like you could do better, bright-eyes," I'd say back. But we couldn't kiss and make up because he was married. Such is life.

Well, eventually we caught the bank robber. And wouldn't you know it? The butler did it. Perdro figured it out, but I still like to tell it like I did it all by myself.

I would pace back and forth and point at appropriate places as I spoke. "It was all very clever, you see," I'd say. Then I'd pause dramatically while my audience zoomed into my face, and I'd be all like, "Not clever enough."

"The first thing a good criminal needs in a map. I don't know how Sancho got one, but when he did, it showed him where to find the banks. And THAT was the key." Perdro would reprimand me for this later, saying that it's rather dumb to tell criminals what the key to a successful crime is. I told him to go stuff himself. "Once you are at the bank," I continued, "take the money. Optional: wave knife threateningly." The audience ooed and aahed, and I smoked a cigar that I lit with gunfire.

Well, Sancho was taken to prison, where he had seven beautiful children, and he still sends us postcards often. Perdro joined the circus and has does a pretty decent performance as the world's only giraffe, and his wife got a job as a boxing promoter. That hitch-hiker finally got a ride, all thanks to some guy with poor eyesight and the No Child Left Behind Act. Vladimir is still a little angry that he didn't make it into the story.

And me? Well, I just threw back my head and laughed. Because it was funny, you see.

[J m HofMarN]

Floppydisk- thats even better than the last! You can almost taste the adversity!

And you even put in nonsense about fish paste coming in pieces!

Ninja Duck- Bravo! A standard has been set! That was brilliantly bad! Not only that but there were a lot of words in it! Great stuff man, I really dig it.

Everyone- Please completely ignore Pedro's new name so as to further confuse people as to the time line. Unless you mean to write a prequel to ND's story, in which case the character can be named Perdro

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 21 May 2005 - 11:19 PM

[J m HofMarN]

Chapter 19: The search for sock

Today was a deelightful wednesday. It is the day after Christmas and I'm quite happy. I ate dinner with the escaped convict, my father, my aunt Marjoram, my cousin Oregano, and my ornamental penis case, Clarise. Aunt Julie was there as well, gnawing on an antelope she had dragged in. It was not the lion pretending to be Aunt July though, this was just a habit of hers before she was eaten by the lion.

But at this time I did not yet know she had been eaten by a lion. Or else i would have given her a lion proof suit. And I would have told her what I had always wanted to say. "Aunt Peg, I want you to know that you are inferior to me because you don't have a penis." It would have been a touching moment.

It was on that cold day one week in the future in January that aunt July gave me some advice I've been turning over in my gall bladder for a long time now. She made me sit on her lap and told me this: "Never eat anything not of this world." I didn't understand it then and I dont understand it now. But this much I know: Her words are symbolic of my triumph over adversity.

Later, when Christmas dinner had been eaten, we all went to celebrate Hannukah, as we are all hassidic Jews twice removed. It is a little known fact that Jewish people celebrate Christmas, but they call it "Hwachyiddel" After that we celebrated ash wednesday by attaching chainsaws to our arms and talking about our local S Mart. Then we went to see a play. It was a Greek tragedy about a boy who gets stuch in a stuffed animal vending machine. Here is the most moving scene.

"Boy: Mine mother doth be unwilling to show her love by purchasing a gum ball, red green blue pink or white. These are the colors I must gaze at. But I tell you, ere the day be through, I shall have them!

Mother: Oh my son, my goodly son. What hast thou that thou wouldst be so against thy own good fortune in thyself, thoug and being thou hast done it. Hast thou?

Boy: Ay wench. I am in a stuffed animal vending machine!

Mother: Cruel fate! Can it be?

Citizen: Aye madam, so it is. And his small form is unable to come out without his consent.

Boy: I shall give my consent when I have gotten my debt paid.

Citizen: Be ye mad to demand such? What good is a gum ball to ye? You are in a glass case of stuffed animals art ye not?

Boy: What business is it of yours what I do with what is owed me? I tell you I will have it or else this day is my last.

Mother: Oh, lord Wal Mart, what canst thou do?

Lord: I shall do naught til thou buyest from the Martha Stewart Living collection. It is well priced fair for every day use.

Mother: But alas I have not a ducat 'pon me m'lordship.

Lord: Then thy child forfeits the price of your treachery and when next he sets foot in kmart that day is his birthday. He shall hence walk upon his hands.

Boy: Oh tis tragedy!

Stuffed animal: My name is Mr. Binky. If you believe in me I can give you poison.

Boy: They are the worst band ever.

Stuffed animal: What about Thursday?

Mother: Their song, "I am no killer" is good, but it would be better if every sentence were not followed with the word Blargh.

Lord: Thou speakest true. For this I release thy child. Wait! What madness now? Wait ho! My key doth not fit!

Mother: Foul foes! Cruel cooks! Monstrous cocks! Granite bombs! Moloch! Someone summon the department of fire security!

Boy: I despair and with my fair air, I sup upon this that strip my soul bare -drinks poison-

Lord: This scene cannot be for me to preen. Of a truth I did love the boy in secret. I share his death -runs himself through with a piece of cheep plastic crap-

Mother: What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to get better at soccer. I am not far from you my friends. Go ahead and I will follow! -She drinks pop rocks and eats Jolt cola and explodes-

Keanu Reeves: Hold thy swords! I am the fire department! What scene doth assail my eyes and molest my nose? It is death and treason for sure. Never has there been a tale of such doomed love as that of these three angels fallen from above. Dude"

Chefelf: HE IS THE ONE!

The play concluded when the SS burst into their underground bunker and apprehended them. As the Gestapo marched them off towards the incinerator I saw the true face of adversity. It wasn't just a problem for me, or a small challenge. Adversity was what that poor German guy felt when he had to light the incinerator, but was out of matches. I felt a tear slip down my cheek, knowing that he would surely get in trouble. I knew the adversity faced by my fellow Jews: It was going to get really crowded in that furnace.

[floppydisk]

Pedro stared visually with his eyes. "Look!" he cried. "Fingerprints!"

It was true. "What does this tell us?" I begged.

"Our culprit has fingers."

Mother: Oh my son, my goodly son. What hast thou that thou wouldst be so against thy own good fortune in thyself, thoug and being thou hast done it. Hast thou?

Another chapter from me soon. It will involve part of my struggle to see Star Wars III.

This post has been edited by floppydisk: 22 May 2005 - 12:23 PM

[Voodoo Dog]

Okay. After this post will be an extremely long story. It's about a KKK rally where they decide that dick James Dobson is right and that Spongebob Squarepants is gay. I already posted this somewhere else as a little jokey thing and then rewrote it to be more of a horror story. I also posted a relatively short clip on some other thread cos it was relevant. This is the full version. I'm not going to make this a dark elf thing after all because I'm so bogged down with exams to take on a project like that at the moment. I'll get round to it eventually. Could take months though because I don't have internet access at home.

EDIT: This damn this is long it'll probably take three posts to cover it. I'm sorry. I promise I'll never do this again.

This post has been edited by Voodoo dog: 22 May 2005 - 09:35 PM

[Voodoo Dog]

THE DARKNESS OF HUMANITY

(The following is an extract from a Ku Klux Klan rally attended mainly by fundamentalist christians)

Forgive me for interrupting this important discussion, my brothers. I too, wish to wipe the scourge of Islam from the face of this earth before it destroys all we hold to be Sacred. But I wish to bring another matter to your attention. Please bear with me on this because I believe it is extremely important. Your children are in serious danger. They are in danger of being turned from the light of Gods divine plan for humanity and into the dark black ways of living schemed up by the Prince of Darkness, the Father of Lies known as the Serpent, the Dragon and the Beast. I am of course referring to that dark entity Satan, the Unholy Adversary of all that is good and dear, who since that tragic day in the Garden of Eden all those thousands of years ago has attempted to make the eternal rewards of mankind Fire and Brimstone instead of Eternal Love and Happiness as the Mighty LORD did so declare. Most non-christians will laugh at us for trying to save their children, but we know better now don’t we? We know that while Satan’s blaspheming toils have taken many forms over the centuries, these days he tends to stick with a kind that, I’m sure, we are all too sadly aware of nowadays. Yet another evil attempt to indoctrinate the minds of people too young, too innocent, too inexperienced, too naïve, or just too plain stupid to know any better, has begun. We are all aware that the evil jew lead liberal media is a tool of Lucifer by now, but I genuinely believe that this is the worst threat the Christian denominations, the current generation of Christians, and most importantly the future generation of Christians have ever been faced with, in all our glorious millennia of history in which our proud Church has struggled to bring the Light of Christ into this dark world, while trying to repel the sins, wickedness and hatred of heathenism. Our children are being exposed to evil mindless claptrap on the Demon known as TV. There are, sadly, too many examples of these shows on television for me to be able to go into here, however briefly. But as I’m sure you all know by now, our dear friend, the Reverend James Dobson, has publicly exposed yet another example, while getting a square kick in the teeth from the media for actually daring to stand up for what he believes in, of course. As if facing all the obstacles Satan has already put in the long, rocky road that leads to Enlightenment, Fulfilment and Salvation weren’t enough to cope with, our children now have to face a new one. A particularly evil and dangerous one, in my humble opinion. Our children are now being exposed daily to a TV show called "Spongebob Squarepants". This show has been made into a major film recently, thereby exposing children all over the world to its blasphemy. This cartoon may seem innocent harmless fun at first glance, but a horror too terrible to even contemplate lies underneath the surface. Every single thing in this cartoon, every character, every situation, every line of dialogue has been carefully chosen to corrupt our children to a lifestyle of homosexuality. I will now present undeniable evidence that this cartoon is the work of the Devil. Thank you.

Lets take a brief look at Spongebob, Spongebobs life, in terms of both the social and the physical, and his relationships with his friends. Lets see how our innocent, happy little cartoon buddy ends up faring, shall we?

Spongebob loves life. He is described, repeatedly, as a happy little chappy. The word happy is used to describe Spongebob over and over again. What’s another word for happy? Gay. What else does the word gay mean? FUCKING QUEER!

Spongebob lives in a pineapple under the sea. Pineapple=fruit. Fruit=FUCKING QUEER!

Spongebob is a sponge. Sponge=soft. Soft=unmanly. Unmanly= FUCKING QUEER!

Spongebob is a sponge. Sponges tend to be very absorbent. Domestic sponges spend a large part of their existences filled with fluid. Why would the producers decide to use such an unusual creature as a sponge for the main character in this show? Because it would lead the audience to the conclusion that Spongebob spends a large part of his life filled with evil-smelling fluids in parts of his body God never intended to them to go, just like FUCKING QUEERS!

Spongebob has an extremely feminine voice. What other people in this world have an extremely feminine voice? Women, Michael Jackson and FUCKING QUEERS! Since Spongebob is not a woman, and obviously isn’t intended to represent the foul nigger heathen Jackson since his skin is yellow not that foul, foul shade of excremental black we have all come to know and hate, HE HAS TO BE A FUCKING QUEER!

As you may have guessed from the title, Spongebob wears Squarepants. Square pants. Square was once a slang word meaning “uncool”. It is still well known as a popular term for being uncool, even though the word is hardly used in this sense anymore. Being a FUCKING QUEER is considered uncool by most youth at present, thank God. Therefore, because he wears squarepants, Spongebob is a FUCKING QUEER!

Spongebob has eyelashes. EYELASHES! Rule one of cartooning: never, ever EVER give male characters eyelashes unless you want them to look like FUCKING QUEERS! Both men and women have eyelashes in the real world, but it is very hard to see men’s because of perspective. Women however, normally curl theirs up with mascara thus making them much more visible. From this I conclude that, in the fictional world the show is set in, Spongebob wears makeup, is a secret crossdresser, and is a FUCKING QUEER! You should also note that Spongebobs eyelashes disappear when he closes his eyes. I like to think that this means that the creator of this vile character experienced a brief shining ray of light from our dear beloved LORD however briefly, before returning to his ways of Satanism. This has caused a sweet ray of light to enter this filth no matter how hard the producers want to show our children that homosexuality is the PERFECT way to make friends and influence people. Who needs to sit at our beloved LORDS right hand side for all eternity when you could be a FUCKING QUEER, right? I believe that the disappearance of the eyelashes is a metaphor for Spongebob’s eternal struggle between the forces of Light and the forces of Dark. If I am right, it means that Spongebob has realised, subconsciously at least, that sodomy leads straight to eternal damnation and is trying to kick the vile habit. We should all fall on our knees and thank the Divine Architect of the Universe for this small mercy. However, he is still a FUCKING QUEER!

This post has been edited by Voodoo dog: 22 May 2005 - 10:03 PM

[Voodoo Dog]

The underwater town that Spongebob lives in is a place called Bikini Bottom. Calling a place in a childrens cartoon something so blatantly sexual is evil enough, but I’m afraid there is more to consider here, dear brethren. Does anyone here know what the standard dress code is for depraved, sodomy filled beach parties held by FUCKING QUEERS? Bikini bottoms, that’s what! Because Spongebob lives in a place called Bikini Bottom, he is a FUCKING QUEER!

Spongebob has often promoted the heathen concept of "happiness and diversity" on the show. This may seem a good and noble way of life to the unsuspecting person, but don’t be fooled. This “happy way of life” is exactly the same as the satanic ideology of the Godless heathen communists whose plague upon this world was finally ended through the noble efforts of our dear United States and the beloved assistance of our dear all-powerful LORD. The ideology on this show is also exactly the same as the warped ideas the FUCKING QUEERS of San Francisco spout at every given opportunity. Spongebob is saying everything the evil, Godless, communist, hippy-spawning city of New Sodom has said before him, virtually word for word. Because Spongebob is telling our innocent little children to enjoy their lives and tolerate those different from ourselves, he is a FUCKING QUEER!

In certain parts of the world, such as the British Isles, the word “wet” is used to describe any weedy frail effeminate man, like a FUCKING QUEER for example. The show takes place under the sea. Therefore all the characters are very wet indeed. Because Spongebob lives under the sea, he is a FUCKING QUEER!

Spongebob has a pet snail called Gary. Gary usually shows the characteristic traits of a common house cat. He frequently meows for example. The cat is a very popular pet among women. This means that Spongebob is attempting to act like a woman. This means that Spongebob is a FUCKING QUEER!

Spongebob has a friend called Sandy Cheeks. I’ll try to ignore yet another blatantly sexual reference in a childrens TV show and continue. Sandy is a girl. Sandy is also a mammal, a squirrel I think, so she lives on the surface. Whenever she visits Spongebob she must wear diving apparatus to save herself from drowning. Spongebob has the same problem, having to wear a similar device whenever he visits her to avoid drying out and dieing. This is, I believe, a metaphor for Bob and Sandy being from two different worlds, and unable to have a normal relationship together. This means that Spongebob is a FUCKING QUEER! You may be interested, although deeply saddened, to know that some women in the real world actually like having a FUCKING QUEER for a best little mincy boy, trade makeup tips with, exchanges bras with you any time you ask him to, friend in the whole wide world ever ever ever. As the saying goes, truth is stranger than fiction because fiction has to make sense. And I’m sure you’ll agree, dear brothers, that this heinous decision on the part of manhating lesbians the world over, makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Yet another proof that the evil, evil curse of the demonic ideology known as “feminism” is destroying the work of our LORD. Hopefully, one day these poor mislead creatures will abandon their scandalous ways and return to the joys of child-rearing and taking care of loving husbands that worship and adore them. This was the purpose the LORD had for all women on this earth. This is good, kind noble and rewarding work that any woman in her right mind would sacrifice anything for. When I asked one of those poor deluded feminists about their acceptance of FUCKING QUEERS, she responded by saying she judged a man by his personality, not his sexual preference! This is what we’ve come to people! The average citizen of America is no longer able to see the FUCKING QUEERS for the perverts they so obviously are. Judgement Day cannot be far off, my brothers, and frankly I consider that a blessing not a curse. The stupid woman also told me that she felt safer around FUCKING QUEERS more so than normal men. This is because FUCKING QUEERS are not likely to assault or rape her. Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Well in Gods eyes its almost infinitely better to be a stalker or a rapist than a FUCKING QUEER!

This post has been edited by Voodoo dog: 22 May 2005 - 09:59 PM

[Voodoo Dog]

Spongebobs best friend is Patrick the starfish. Patrick is pink. Patrick is pink even though real life starfishes are orange. What does the colour pink represent? Little girls and FUCKING QUEERS! Patrick is not a little girl, therefore he is a FUCKING QUEER!

In one episode of the show, Spongebob gives Patrick a valentines day card to show how much he “loves” his best friend. The producers said that they wished to show how important platonic “love” is between two men and how you should never be ashamed to express it. They said they showed this for the benefit of kids. Yeah right. As I’m sure we all know, there is no such thing as platonic “love” between two men of this earth permitted by God. Brothers, the only love for another man that should be harboured in our hearts is between us and the Divine God Jehovah, the Creator of us all, or between us and Jehovahs Blessed Son, the Living Christ Almighty. From this, we have to conclude that Spongebob and Patrick are live-in lovers. From this we have to conclude that they are FUCKING QUEERS!

Spongebob is a sponge and Patrick is a starfish. In the natural world both of these creatures reproduce asexually. This means that any member of the species can mate with any other member of the species, and still produce offspring as a result. While this may seem strange to us, we must remember the Righteous LORD knows everything. If he chooses to make these creatures so that they continue their species in this manner, then by definition this is the only way they can do so. All else would be an Abomination unto the LORD. However, Jehovah had much different ideas while designing human beings. He made it so that the only way possible for us to experience the delights of child-rearing and having a small creation of our very own to nurture and guide through life, was through the practise of heterosexuality. He did this for a reason. He did this because any other way would be an Abomination that leads us to the bowels of that dark, dark place known as Hades or Hell, where we would all be cut off from the Divine Love of our Creator for all eternity. All should bow before the Wisdom of Jehovah, whose Love is so great that he grants mercy to poor ignorant sinners like ourselves, who clearly do not deserve any provision in the Afterlife, whatsoever. These are mere cartoon characters I admit, characters who represent mere animals as well at that, but they act towards themselves and their surrounding environment as if they were people. I cannot stress that clearly enough dear brothers, they act as if they were real human beings. If our dear sweet innocent little darlings see their beloved heroes engaged in a homosexual relationship, then they will attempt to emulate them. They will attempt to emulate them. The darling creatures who were once our entire lives will be turned into monsters so dark and terrible that we will no longer recognise them, let alone understand them. Our children will have been turned into FUCKING QUEERS! And we all know where people like that will end up, now don’t we?

At this point I have to say, with a very heavy heart my brothers,
Quod Erot Demonstratum.

(Wild applause fills the hall, punctuated with such comments as “Preach it like it is, revrund!”, “We have to stop those evil commie homos before they destroy us ALL!”, “Won’t somebody please, please take the time out of their lives to think of the children?” and “Poppa? Is mah momma mah sistah?”)

Something wicked this way comes.

[Slade]

As sad as it is, I think that bit works perfectly in here. I'm hopefully going to write a story tomorrow, but I might just play video games all day. Yay summer!

[Mnesymone]

JM - you asked for random stuff... you seem to have got it so far.

"BANG!" Went The Gun. The Gun was a curious boy, and he was also curious. For one thing his half-father had christened him The Gun, and though his godfather and stepfather and grandfather had attempted to change The Gun's name to something else, none of them could agree on anything and so they were not able to change his name within the 60-day name-changing time. For another thing, he had no father but was raised on Wednesdays by his half-father, who may or may not have been his mother's lover nine months before The Gun was born - on Thursdays and Fridays by his godfather, who was his mother's brother, cousin and nephew simultaneously, his grandfather who was his grandfather and also his godfather's father (possibly) on weekends and by the dictatorial state of the United States of Destructomundo on Monday and Tuesday to be an insane slave death commando in their army of inane slack deaf commanders. It seemed that his grandfather, whose name was Filthy Old Sod but that may have been his alias was a filthy old sod and had a thing for his aunty the filthy old sod. Anyhoo their child, who was inbred the poor inbred bastard for he was an inbred bastard was his mother's brother because he was her fathers son, his nephew because he was her sisters son and her cousin because she didn't have any cousins and so dubbed him her cousin, so she could have a kissing cousin because it seemed better than a kissing half-brother nephew and so they rolled in the hay but nonunfortunately she wasn't impregnated by their sordid love affair at fourteen and eight months, which was nonunfortunate because every thirteen-to-sixteen country girl feels out of place without a decent shame to conceal and she was very jealous of her sister, who in addition to giving birth to her nephew/brother had, at fifteen and nine months played the part of Lady Godiva in a play but the play was Hamlet so that didn't go down well. But anyway after rolling in the hay at fourteen and eight months with The Gun's godfather, she concluded it was impossible to get impregnated and two months later, which is a long time in a dreary country town with only the dull plodding tedium of country life and the occassional vampire hunt, rolled in the hay with The Gun's half-father, which may or may not have led to The Gun being born. The Gun was the least shameful child for any thirteen-to-sixteen country girl to have, and seeing as he was born alongside a minotaur for some reason the Great Gatekeeper of the Sky Garrakh-uim-Hseutzavi's lovechild which was odd because the Great Gatekeeper of the Sky was supposed to be a eunuch. So not shameful was The Gun's birth that he was a terrible shame to his mother that she had the shame she had been searching for all along and so was able to triumph over adversity and so drew level with her sister as the family shame which every country family must have if they are to be respected, or rather disrespectfully respected by their neighbours. Filthy Old Sod was terribly happy to have two such shameful daughters, one such inbred son and one so normal he was shameful grandson that he left the country life and became a decent and respectable city dwelling pimp. The Gun's mother, after Filthy Old Sod left to become a pimp, after her inbred brophew left to fight in the terrible war of the world of Var Anyas was forced to triumph over adversity and raise The Gun.
Anyway The Gun was a curious boy, for all he wasn't inbread, and we were playing Grandma Melt Controls the Ponies, and by executing the "BANG" move he had won. And so I had to triumph over adversity by dealing with my loss of a game of Grandma Melt Controls the Ponies to a boy so shameless he was shameful.

[J m HofMarN]

Voodoo Dog- Yes yes excellent we need stuff of decent length, maybe ten more like that from people and we'll be ready to publish! Thanks so much!

Mnesymone- Thanks a bunch that was horrible, I loved it! Oh man the stories are just getting worese and worse and blorse. Did I just say blorse? sorry, bad writing habbit. But that's good!