[Jane Sherwood]

That makes my head hurt...but in a good way.

[Slade]

It's like the first ever full out mental sacrifice in the name of Discordia, except in the name of not Discordia (or !Discordia for you programmers out there).

[Chyld]

Put me down for a chapter when I'm lashed on something. Whichever substance I put to use, it should provide hilarity.

[SimeSublime]

"Fight!" Yelled the annoucer. I circled my opponent, looking to strike. He jumped at me, his front paws lifted high. I took to the air, out of reach. The lemur swung her tail, and I tried to dodge, but to no avail. I danced in joy as the puffin crashed to the floor. But it was soon up, and successfully in the air! I flew out of his reach, and swooped down from behind, leaving a large gash behind it's ear with my talons. "Take that, Lemur Scum!" I screeched. I placed my paw behind my head, to stem the bleeding. She had hit me hard, and I was going to fall. He hit the ground hard, so that she came out of the sky, landing on the puffin. Both puffin and lemur lay stunned on the floor. Hours passed, followed by minutes, then seconds, then some more hours. And a year. The battle that had just begun was about to begin when the you awoke. You looked dazedly around, and will see the puffin and lemur forces squaring off. You run at me, and I jumped out of the way. The two armies converged on the recalcitrant road kill, blatantly holding it's own in the middle of the swampy desert. The Lemur forces split into two, and the puffins cleared the feild. The roadkill are shocked when the puffins returned, swooping from the sky with jellyfish, holding them beneath them and using their tentacles to sting the recalcitrant road kill, who were blatantly holding their own, in the middle of the swampy desert. With the recalcitrant roadkill, blantantly holding their own in the middle of the swampy desert, your lemurs ran at you, to finish off the attack that will be started off by the puffins. And our puffin-lemur alliance crushed the recalcitrant roadkill, who will blantanly hold their own, in the middle of the swampy desert.

[J m HofMarN]

That was definately an excersise in nonsense. I love it!

[SimeSublime]

Nonsense? But it tracked the history of the Puffins Vs Lemurs thread. It starts with a puffin and lemur fighting, and ends with the puffin/lemur/jellyfish alliance crushing roadkill a year later.

Which, incidentally, was all nonsence to begin with

This post has been edited by SimeSublime: 19 May 2005 - 08:23 AM

[floppydisk]

Hmmph. Roadkill still should've won. :P

Anyway.... Put me down for a completely shitty chapter as soon as this weekend. I'll write it in class tommorow, occasionally inserting bits of conversation I overhear.

[Kirby]

I love it, as jane said

That makes my head hurt...but in a good way.

Hell I'll do one too, but one question. With all our differant writing styles wouldn't they kinda find the book allittle inconsistant, or writen by a guy with multiple personalities?

[Icey]

Chapter six:

I was just a young lad when I found out how queer my relationship was with Aunt Marjpore. We often had long Q & A sessions where we would bounce questions and answers off each other sometimes for hours. Those nights often led to passionate debates on Puffins and Lemurs, but those are not the ones I should talk about now.
Our session often began innocently with question such as:
"What is the most common addiction in the world today and what can one do to cure it?"
I would generally reply with the simple answer of "Sex! remove every single organ from where you can derive sexual pleasure from." I would ofcourse reply with the witty "What is the most lethal sexually transmitted disease of all"
I never could stump her, "love... oh, and AIDS!!!" she would smirk and shoot back "What is the best guitar solo EVER? and don't say 'Stairway' because that is the wrong answer."
"Hamsterdance, right after the 'deepadeepadodo!' It rocks!!! Does life teach you to die or does death teach you to live?"
Marjpore knew this question far too well. "They both teach shit. What's the most annoying topic of discussion in the world?"
"How the US of A is the land of the free. Is forced freedom a new form of slavery?" Was what I replied, I was a little anarchist, as we all were at that age. Rebels without a cause.
Marjpore hated my shots on our beloved on our beautiful land of the free. Which always led us to debates on Puffins versus Lemurs. "Only on Tuesdays. Whats the point of Lemurs when Puffins kick so much ass?"
Thankfully, I had a tactic to avoid that path we had gone so many times before and I simply stated "they do have a point, it's just that they're invisible. If a lava lamp were a peticure, how many Russians are in a sandwitch?"
"Three. What were the statistics for rock stars being eaten by their own gigantic hairdos in the 80s?"
"Three in two. Which is the least known nation in the world?"
"The nation of Wallawallabooboo. What was the topic of the dumbest conversation you've ever had?"
"A philosophical and socioanalytical discussion on the subject of just why they decided to make green ketchup. What is the average flying velocity of an unladen swallow?" This one always required a bit of research, so we went and watched Monty Pythons and the Holy Grail several times over, studying each line of dialogue that came out of their mouths. Carefully examining the exp​ression on the actors faces as that line came out. That way, we spent five hours in front of the television.
After careful research, we decided that the answer was "10 meters per second. If this is two, and this is five, what's this?" I would reply and hold out six fingers.
"A stupid question. What number am I thinking of?"
At that point I gave up and she put me to bed. She kissed me good night, and sent me on a wonderful exploration of my body, those years tought me that there were many things that didn't go as well as childhood made one think. There would come blood from places where blood really shouldn't come from and that me and Aunt Marjpore would have to overcome many adversities. One of such was the night when I was molested by James Grant in the back of his Lada Sport on the top of Volcano Hill six feet east of our house.

No one ever believed me when I told them that Boogeyman really did have a name, James Grant I told them, but they merely laughed and pointed at a lion jumping on lambs while the trainers stood idly by. Training sheep was obviously very hard.
After that evenings Q&A session, James 'Boogeyman' Grant took me to his Lada Sport and drove me to Volcano Hill and showed me a new place where blood could come out of. It was the most erotic, fearful and vengeful moment of my life, one that would shape how I would see the world till I died. I never did stand the sight of blood so I passed out.
I dreamt of the Great Wave. The fishing men, quivering under the towering wave before it came crashing down. The wave hit! Smashing the boat into nothing but debris and removing the fishermen from the face of the earth. The sea calmed down, it's song became more soothing and far lighter. It brushed up on a beach leaving battered bodies on the sand. Battered bodies with wings.
I woke up at that moment, looking at the Boogeyman lying next to me, I decided it would be a good idea to get out. I really wasn't in the mood to deal with the bleeding orifice just yet, that was something to smash him down with when he'd start to adjust to my internal muscles in the future. The fool let something as pointless as lust outside the family drive him around like a puppet. It was like going on a crusade against something you don't feel strongly about. Finishing that train of thought was much like taking a ledpipe in the face. It was long, oily, hard and hot.

[J m HofMarN]

Kirby- they do not even read the books before publishing them. That's the beauty of it.

Icey- I loved the metaphors in there and the QandA session. That's definately a shining example of the quality we need here!

[J m HofMarN]

Aunt Marjpole was feeling particularly fired on the afternoon when she met her youngest son, Keith. As he had just been to Broxfeld university to study politics she thought she aught to quiz him a bit. Rather than a traditional greeting, she simply asked:

"What kind of states are there?" And in due time he replied.

"ALL STATES, all powers, that have held and hold rule over men have been and are either republics or principalities.

Principalities are either hereditary, in which the family has been long established; or they are new.

The new are either entirely new, as was Milan to Francesco Sforza, or they are, as it were, members annexed to the hereditary state of the prince who has acquired them, as was the kingdom of Naples to that of the King of Spain.

Such dominions thus acquired are either accustomed to live under a prince, or to live in freedom; and are acquired either by the arms of the prince himself, or of others, or else by fortune or by ability.

I WILL leave out all discussion on republics, inasmuch as in another place I have written of them at length, and will address myself only to principalities. In doing so I will keep to the order indicated above, and discuss how such principalities are to be ruled and preserved."

Here Grandma Melt joined in with her two cents.

"I say at once there are fewer difficulties in holding hereditary states, and those long accustomed to the family of their prince, than new ones; for it is sufficient only not to transgress the customs of his ancestors, and to deal prudently with circumstances as they arise, for a prince of average powers to maintain himself in his state, unless he be deprived of it by some extraordinary and excessive force; and if he should be so deprived of it, whenever anything sinister happens to the usurper, he will regain it.

We have in Italy, for example, the Duke of Ferrara, who could not have withstood the attacks of the Venetians in ’84, nor those of Pope Julius in ’10, unless he had been long established in his dominions. For the hereditary prince has less cause and less necessity to offend; hence it happens that he will be more loved; and unless extraordinary vices cause him to be hated, it is reasonable to expect that his subjects will be naturally well disposed towards him; and in the antiquity and duration of his rule the memories and motives that make for change are lost, for one change always leaves the toothing for another.

BUT the difficulties occur in a new principality. And firstly, if it be not entirely new, but is, as it were, a member of a state which, taken collectively, may be called composite, the changes arise chiefly from an inherent difficulty which there is in all new principalities; for men change their rulers willingly, hoping to better themselves, and this hope induces them to take up arms against him who rules: wherein they are deceived, because they afterwards find by experience they have gone from bad to worse. This follows also on another natural and common necessity, which always causes a new prince to burden those who have submitted to him with his soldiery and with infinite other hardships which he must put upon his new acquisition.

In this way you have enemies in all those whom you have injured in seizing that principality, and you are not able to keep those friends who put you there because of your not being able to satisfy them in the way they expected, and you cannot take strong measures against them, feeling bound to them. For, although one may be very strong in armed forces, yet in entering a province one has always need of the goodwill of the natives.

For these reasons Louis XII, King of France, quickly occupied Milan, and as quickly lost it; and to turn him out the first time it only needed Lodovico’s own forces; because those who had opened the gates to him, finding themselves deceived in their hopes of future benefit, would not endure the ill-treatment of the new prince. It is very true that, after acquiring rebellious provinces a second time, they are not so lightly lost afterwards, because the prince, with little reluctance, takes the opportunity of the rebellion to punish the delinquents, to clear out the suspects, and to strengthen himself in the weakest places. Thus to cause France to lose Milan the first time it was enough for the Duke Lodovico1 to raise insurrections on the borders; but to cause him to lose it a second time it was necessary to bring the whole world against him, and that his armies should be defeated and driven out of Italy; which followed from the causes above mentioned.

Nevertheless Milan was taken from France both the first and the second time. The general reasons for the first have been discussed; it remains to name those for the second, and to see what resources he had, and what any one in his situation would have had for maintaining himself more securely in his acquisition than did the King of France.

Now I say that those dominions which, when acquired, are added to an ancient state by him who acquires them, are either of the same country and language, or they are not. When they are, it is easier to hold them, especially when they have not been accustomed to self-government; and to hold them securely it is enough to have destroyed the family of the prince who was ruling them; because the two peoples, preserving in other things the old conditions, and not being unlike in customs, will live quietly together, as one has seen in Brittany, Burgundy, Gascony, and Normandy, which have been bound to France for so long a time: and, although there may be some difference in language, nevertheless the customs are alike, and the people will easily be able to get on amongst themselves. He who has annexed them, if he wishes to hold them, has only to bear in mind two considerations: the one, that the family of their former lord is extinguished; the other, that neither their laws nor their taxes are altered, so that in a very short time they will become entirely one body with the old principality.

But when states are acquired in a country differing in language, customs, or laws, there are difficulties, and good fortune and great energy are needed to hold them, and one of the greatest and most real helps would be that he who has acquired them should go and reside there. This would make his position more secure and durable, as it has made that of the Turk in Greece, who, notwithstanding all the other measures taken by him for holding that state, if he had not settled there, would not have been able to keep it. Because, if one is on the spot, disorders are seen as they spring up, and one can quickly remedy them; but if one is not at hand, they are heard of only when they are great, and then one can no longer remedy them. Besides this, the country is not pillaged by your officials; the subjects are satisfied by prompt recourse to the prince; thus, wishing to be good, they have more cause to love him, and wishing to be otherwise, to fear him. He who would attack that state from the outside must have the utmost caution; as long as the prince resides there it can only be wrested from him with the greatest difficulty.

The other and better course is to send colonies to one or two places, which may be as keys to that state, for it is necessary either to do this or else to keep there a great number of cavalry and infantry. A prince does not spend much on colonies, for with little or no expense he can send them out and keep them there, and he offends a minority only of the citizens from whom he takes lands and houses to give them to the new inhabitants; and those whom he offends, remaining poor and scattered, are never able to injure him; whilst the rest being uninjured are easily kept quiet, and at the same time are anxious not to err for fear it should happen to them as it has to those who have been despoiled. In conclusion, I say that these colonies are not costly, they are more faithful, they injure less, and the injured, as has been said, being poor and scattered, cannot hurt. Upon this, one has to remark that men ought either to be well treated or crushed, because they can avenge themselves of lighter injuries, of more serious ones they cannot; therefore the injury that is to be done to a man ought to be of such a kind that one does not stand in fear of revenge.

But in maintaining armed men there in place of colonies one spends much more, having to consume on the garrison all income from the state, so that the acquisition turns into a loss, and many more are exasperated, because the whole state is injured; through the shifting of the garrison up and down all become acquainted with hardship, and all become hostile, and they are enemies who, whilst beaten on their own ground, are yet able to do hurt. For every reason, therefore, such guards are as useless as a colony is useful."

This was what Grandma Melt said before she went off to debate the physics of her astrolabe with the convict who was their cook. There were many interesting and important male characters in this novel but I cannot recall their names. One of them said:

[J m HofMarN]

"Again, the prince who holds a country differing in the above respects ought to make himself the head and defender of his less powerful neighbours, and to weaken the more powerful amongst them, taking care that no foreigner as powerful as himself shall, by any accident, get a footing there; for it will always happen that such a one will be introduced by those who are discontented, either through excess of ambition or through fear, as one has seen already. The Romans were brought into Greece by the Aetolians; and in every other country where they obtained a footing they were brought in by the inhabitants. And the usual course of affairs is that, as soon as a powerful foreigner enters a country, all the subject states are drawn to him, moved by the hatred which they feel against the ruling power. So that in respect to these subject states he has not to take any trouble to gain them over to himself, for the whole of them quickly rally to the state which he has acquired there. He has only to take care that they do not get hold of too much power and too much authority, and then with his own forces, and with their goodwill, he can easily keep down the more powerful of them, so as to remain entirely master in the country. And he who does not properly manage this business will soon lose what he has acquired, and whilst he does hold it he will have endless difficulties and troubles.

The Romans, in the countries which they annexed, observed closely these measures; they sent colonies and maintained friendly relations with the minor powers, without increasing their strength; they kept down the greater, and did not allow any strong foreign powers to gain authority. Greece appears to me sufficient for an example. The Achaeans and Aetolians were kept friendly by them, the kingdom of Macedonia was humbled, Antiochus was driven out; yet the merits of the Achaeans and Aetolians never secured for them permission to increase their power, nor did the persuasions of Philip ever induce the Romans to be his friends without first humbling him, nor did the influence of Antiochus make them agree that he should retain any lordship over the country. Because the Romans did in these instances what all prudent princes ought to do, who have to regard not only present troubles, but also future ones, for which they must prepare with every energy, because, when foreseen, it is easy to remedy them; but if you wait until they approach, the medicine is no longer in time because the malady has become incurable; for it happens in this, as the physicians say it happens in hectic fever, that in the beginning of the malady it is easy to cure but difficult to detect, but in the course of time, not having been either detected or treated in the beginning, it becomes easy to detect but difficult to cure. Thus it happens in affairs of state, for when the evils that arise have been foreseen (which it is only given to a wise man to see), they can be quickly redressed, but when, through not having been foreseen, they have been permitted to grow in a way that every one can see them, there is no longer a remedy. Therefore, the Romans, foreseeing troubles, dealt with them at once, and, even to avoid a war, would not let them come to a head, for they knew that war is not to be avoided, but is only to be put off to the advantage of others; moreover they wished to fight with Philip and Antiochus in Greece so as not to have to do it in Italy; they could have avoided both, but this they did not wish; nor did that ever please them which is for ever in the mouths of the wise ones of our time: — Let us enjoy the benefits of the time — but rather the benefits of their own valour and prudence, for time drives everything before it, and is able to bring with it good as well as evil, and evil as well as good."

Then an escaped lion, in the guise of Aunt Julie, lept out of his cave and roared out in answer:

"But let us turn to France and inquire whether she has done any of the things mentioned. I will speak of Louis2 (and not of Charles3) as the one whose conduct is the better to be observed, he having held possession of Italy for the longest period; and you will see that he has done the opposite to those things which ought to be done to retain a state composed of divers elements.

King Louis was brought into Italy by the ambition of the Venetians, who desired to obtain half the state of Lombardy by his intervention. I will not blame the course taken by the king, because, wishing to get a foothold in Italy, and having no friends there — seeing rather that every door was shut to him owing to the conduct of Charles — he was forced to accept those friendships which he could get, and he would have succeeded very quickly in his design if in other matters he had not made some mistakes. The king, however, having acquired Lombardy, regained at once the authority which Charles had lost: Genoa yielded; the Florentines became his friends; the Marquess of Mantua, the Duke of Ferrara, the Bentivoglio, my lady of Forli, the Lords of Faenza, of Pesaro, of Rimini, of Camerino, of Piombino, the Lucchesi, the Pisans, the Sienese — everybody made advances to him to become his friend. Then could the Venetians realize the rashness of the course taken by them, which, in order that they might secure two towns in Lombardy, had made the king master of two-thirds of Italy."

Pedro finally broke in, having been smothered in pony juice until this time.

"Genoa is where salami comes from!" He cried in triumph.

Then the aunt Julie lion tried to eat him, but was forced off him with a cattle prod. A passing fellow in the street cried out of his car window:

"Let any one now consider with what little difficulty the king could have maintained his position in Italy had he observed the rules above laid down, and kept all his friends secure and protected; for although they were numerous they were both weak and timid, some afraid of the Church, some of the Venetians, and thus they would always have been forced to stand in with him, and by their means he could easily have made himself secure against those who remained powerful. But he was no sooner in Milan than he did the contrary by assisting Pope Alexander to occupy the Romagna. It never occurred to him that by this action he was weakening himself, depriving himself of friends and of those who had thrown themselves into his lap, whilst he aggrandized the Church by adding much temporal power to the spiritual, thus giving it greater authority. And having committed this prime error, he was obliged to follow it up, so much so that, to put an end to the ambition of Alexander, and to prevent his becoming the master of Tuscany, he was himself forced to come into Italy!"

He had to stop his car to get the words out, but he knew it had to be done and he went about it with a grim deetermination. But Grandma Melt was defiant.

"And as if it were not enough to have aggrandized the Church, and deprived himself of friends, he, wishing to have the kingdom of Naples, divides it with the King of Spain, and where he was the prime arbiter of Italy he takes an associate, so that the ambitious of that country and the malcontents of his own should have somewhere to shelter; and whereas he could have left in the kingdom his own pensioner as king, he drove him out, to put one there who was able to drive him, Louis, out in turn

[J m HofMarN]

Then Pedro burst on the scene in a regular latin explosion and began dancing up a storm, while he sang a beautiful song and pretended to be an air freshener, which is recorded here:

"The wish to acquire is in truth very natural and common, and men always do so when they can, and for this they will be praised not blamed; but when they cannot do so, yet wish to do so by any means, then there is folly and blame. Therefore, if France could have attacked Naples with her own forces she ought to have done so; if she could not, then she ought not to have divided it. And if the partition which she made with the Venetians in Lombardy was justified by the excuse that by it she got a foothold in Italy, this other partition merited blame, for it had not the excuse of that necessity.

Therefore Louis made these five errors: he destroyed the minor powers, he increased the strength of one of the greater powers in Italy, he brought in a foreign power, he did not settle in the country, he did not send colonies. Which errors, if he had lived, were not enough to injure him had he not made a sixth by taking away their dominions from the Venetians; because, had he not aggrandized the Church, nor brought Spain into Italy, it would have been very reasonable and necessary to humble them; but having first taken these steps, he ought never to have consented to their ruin, for they, being powerful, would always have kept off others from designs on Lombardy, to which the Venetians would never have consented except to become masters themselves there; also because the others would not wish to take Lombardy from France in order to give it to the Venetians, and to run counter to both they would not have had the courage.

And if any one should say: King Louis yielded the Romagna to Alexander and the kingdom to Spain to avoid war, I answer for the reasons given above that a blunder ought never be perpetrated to avoid war, because it is not to be avoided, but is only deferred to your disadvantage. And if another should allege the pledge which the king had given to the Pope that he would assist him in the enterprise, in exchange for the dissolution of his marriage4 and for the hat to Rouen5, to that I reply what I shall write later on concerning the faith of princes, and how it ought to be kept.

Thus King Louis lost Lombardy by not having followed any of the conditions observed by those who have taken possession of countries and wished to retain them. Nor is there any miracle in this, but much that is reasonable and quite natural. And on these matters I spoke at Nantes with Rouen, when Valentino,6 as Cesare Borgia, the son of Pope Alexander, was usually called, occupied the Romagna, and on Cardinal Rouen observing to me that the Italians did not understand war, I replied to him that the French did not understand statecraft, meaning that otherwise they would not have allowed the Church to reach such greatness. And in fact it has been seen that the greatness of the Church and of Spain in Italy has been caused by France, and her ruin may be attributed to them. From this a general rule is drawn which never or rarely fails: that he who is the cause of another becoming powerful is ruined; because that predominancy has been brought about either by astuteness or else by force, and both are distrusted by him who has been raised to power.

CONSIDERING the difficulties which men have had to hold a newly acquired state, some might wonder how, seeing that Alexander the Great became the master of Asia in a few years, and died whilst it was yet scarcely settled (whence it might appear reasonable that the whole empire would have rebelled), nevertheless his successors maintained themselves, and had to meet no other difficulty than that which arose among themselves from their own ambitions.

I answer that the principalities of which one has record are found to be governed in two different ways: either by a prince, with a body of servants, who assist him to govern the kingdom as ministers by his favour and permission; or by a prince and barons, who hold that dignity by antiquity of blood and not by the grace of the prince. Such barons have states and their own subjects, who recognize them as lords and hold them in natural affection. Those states that are governed by a prince and his servants hold their prince in more consideration, because in all the country there is no one who is recognized as superior to him, and if they yield obedience to another they do it as to a minister and official, and they do not bear him any particular affection.

The examples of these two governments in our time are the Turk and the King of France. The entire monarchy of the Turk is governed by one lord, the others are his servants; and, dividing his kingdom into sanjaks, he sends there different administrators, and shifts and changes them as he chooses. But the King of France is placed in the midst of an ancient body of lords, acknowledged by their own subjects, and beloved by them; they have their own prerogatives, nor can the king take these away except at his peril. Therefore, he who considers both of these states will recognize great difficulties in seizing the state of the Turk, but, once it is conquered, great ease in holding it. The causes of the difficulties in seizing the kingdom of the Turk are that the usurper cannot be called in by the princes of the kingdom, nor can he hope to be assisted in his designs by the revolt of those whom the lord has around him. This arises from the reasons given above; for his ministers, being all slaves and bondmen, can only be corrupted with great difficulty, and one can expect little advantage from them when they have been corrupted, as they cannot carry the people with them, for the reasons assigned. Hence, he who attacks the Turk must bear in mind that he will find him united, and he will have to rely more on his own strength than on the revolt of others; but, if once the Turk has been conquered, and routed in the field in such a way that he cannot replace his armies, there is nothing to fear but the family of the prince, and, this being exterminated, there remains no one to fear, the others having no credit with the people; and as the conqueror did not rely on them before his victory, so he ought not to fear them after it.

The contrary happens in kingdoms governed like that of France, because one can easily enter there by gaining over some baron of the kingdom, for one always finds malcontents and such as desire a change. Such men, for the reasons given, can open the way into the state and render the victory easy; but if you wish to hold it afterwards, you meet with infinite difficulties, both from those who have assisted you and from those you have crushed. Nor is it enough for you to have exterminated the family of the prince, because the lords that remain make themselves the heads of fresh movements against you, and as you are unable either to satisfy or exterminate them, that state is lost whenever time brings the opportunity.

Now if you will consider what was the nature of the government of Darius, you will find it similar to the kingdom of the Turk, and therefore it was only necessary for Alexander, first to overthrow him in the field, and then to take the country from him. After which victory, Darius being killed, the state remained secure to Alexander, for the above reasons. And if his successors had been united they would have enjoyed it securely and at their ease, for there were no tumults raised in the kingdom except those they provoked themselves.

But it is impossible to hold with such tranquillity states constituted like that of France. Hence arose those frequent rebellions against the Romans in Spain, France, and Greece, owing to the many principalities there were in these states, of which, as long as the memory of them endured, the Romans always held an insecure possession; but with the power and long continuance of the empire the memory of them passed away, and the Romans then became secure possessors. And when fighting afterwards amongst themselves, each one was able to attach to himself his own parts of the country, according to the authority he had assumed there; and the family of the former lord being exterminated, none other than the Romans were acknowledged.

When these things are remembered no one will marvel at the ease with which Alexander held the Empire of Asia, or at the difficulties which others have had to keep an acquisition, such as Pyrrhus and many more; this is not occasioned by the little or abundance of ability in the conqueror, but by the want of uniformity in the subject state."

Everyone agreed with Grandma Melt and they went out back to have tea and sodamy.

[Slade]

That should probably be considered cheating, but since he's been dead for a while, meh.

[floppydisk]

Okay, here's my total shit contribution.

The Face Of Adversity. It is never a pretty thing. It is most easily contained within cardpoard pizza boxes.

It’s hard when you’re like Miguel, Mexican and black at the same time, yet never fully neither. For him, he gits beat up at school buy the football players. They stuff him in trash cans and they represent the Face Of Adversity.

I have a plan to take down the football players and reverse the damage caused by the Face Of Adversity, what a powerful face it is. The plan involves getting my aunt Marjpore to bake a liberty cake, and then when they eat it, they will realize what a bad thing that the Face Of Adversity is.

Maybe it’s just because they have uncaring families. I know that that can be a problem. It’s hard when your familie doesn’t care. I will show them I care by having a meatloaf sale for cheep cheep cheep! 5 dollars for all meatloaf on sale, and a special price for the nasty rats!

So one day the football players came and they stuffed Miguel into another trash can. I said “Hey, would you like a liberty cake? It represents the liberty that you should give Miguel, and once you eat it, you will feel like you need to free him of his tyranny.”

He said “Okay, I like cake. I will eat the cake so we can overcome our diversities, and become friends.” He ate the cake, and all was well with the football players.

Later that day, when I was in history class, our teacher said “ARRGYHHGR, I am your teacher! If you don’t do this essay, your grade will go down to a C!” I told him that he would feel better if he had a meatloaf of freedom. He gobbled up the meatloaf because he was fat.

Miguel would’ve had something funny to say about him because he’s fat.

Then he said “That was a mighty fine meatloaf. Your food frees all men from their burdens, and destroys what the Face of Adversity has created.”