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Star Wars Ep I & II (rememberer's takes) TCW & KOD

#1 User is offline   Mnesymone Icon

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Posted 30 April 2005 - 08:01 AM

Despite hopes of being able to do this in the form of a web-comic, after assembling the images for the very first chapter I realised that it would take months and months to finish even one episode.
So, I shall trust to your imaginations to provide the visual support, and to my writing for the psychological and emotional side of things.
Incidentally, owing to the simple logistics of these screening room threads, I will put up a thread in the Star Wars Fan Convention, link it to the screening room, and use it for discussion and this thread for the actual novel.

So we begin our journey.

STAR WARS
Episode I.
The Clone Wars.
It is a time of doubt. The strength of the galaxy- and history-spanning Republic, once mighty beyond description, is slowly fading. The JEDI KNIGHTS, once lauded as the heroes of the Republic, have dwindled into insignificance and are now scattered throughout the galaxy.

Bereft of their vigilance, the border worlds of the Republic have been left vulnerable to the attacks of the CLONEMASTERS, a cult dedicated to the pursuit of power and immortality through the science of cloning. Now the armies of the Republic, led by the few remaining Jedi, must move to defend the galaxy from the ravages of the clone wars…

Against the background of distant stars, the godship moves silently. Built like a fortress, the ship, hundreds of years old, with countless extensions and enhancements, appears not to have been made but grown. From within its recesses, great orbs of steel emerge, pulsing with energies designed to weave a web of power in the void. The trap is set.

Deep within the godship, on the dimly lit bridge, two shapes stand at the edge of vision. Both are tall and majestic, black-clad and evil. One speaks: “Why must I bother with these diplomats?”
“We are not here for the Senator, we are here for the Jedi.”

On the bridge of the Dreadnaught Vanguard, Obi-Wan Kenobi, General to the Republican Navy to the knowledge of almost all aboard, Jedi Knight to the knowledge of a few, stands at peace. He looks through the viewscreens, to the mottled sky of hyperspace, and is suddenly ill at ease.
He steps to the communicator “Attention Vanguard. All hands to battle stations!” he calls. The Knight gestures to an ensign – “Prepare to signal the fleet the same.”
“But sir, we are in hyperspace.”
“Not for long.”
Suddenly klaxons break out over the bridge, and calm military panic ensues. The ship lurches horribly, the sky dwindles to starlines and then stars. And before them lies the godship.
“Unidentified warship ahead, General.”
“So I see. Ensign, you may signal the fleet now.”
Senator Bail Organa, Republican envoy to the Rim territories affected by the recent attacks, suddenly rushes to the flag deck.
“Obi-Wan, what’s happening?” he called.
“A battle, not a debate, Senator. I must ask you to retire from the bridge,” came the reply.

From the flight decks of the godship boiled countless slanted fighters, like raindrops from a thundercloud. The Vanguard and her sister ships answered, spewing fewer yet larger craft.
The more massive vessels would stay at bay until the fighters of one side or the other gained command of the void. The Republican fighters, great long ships like spearheads, with engine wings flaring from their prows, formed into flight groups. At the head of one such group was Captain Anakin Skywalker, an unblooded yet strong-willed man in his prime.
“All right, White group. Stay together and stay alert. Set to attack speed and engage the enemy.”
“Can do, Captain. How do you figure old Ben knew?” came one pilot.
“I suppose its not too much to hope that this is a drill?” quipped another.
“Keep it tactical, White group. Here they come!” commanded Anakin.
The battle was joined.
On the bridge of the godship one of the men was seething with rage.
“How did they know I was here!” he hissed.
“We did not count on the intervention of the Jedi. It seems the Force is with him, and our trap is foiled.”
“Do something”
“I shall. For the Force is with us as well. It would be folly not to wield it.” And with that the man left, striding into the gloom.
He came to a hangar, where a larger craft lay waiting. He leapt upon it, opened the hatch and slid into the cockpit. Under his hands the controls came to life, and the ship leaped into the vacuum.

Again the general on the bridge frowned. Again he felt the Force pull at his sleeve.
“Captain, the ship is yours. I have something I must attend to.”
The Vanguard’s commander took it in his stride – one more remarkable event amongst countless in just a few moments.
He went to lift bay, and calmly stepped into the railed pod, which darted down the length of the ship.

Anakin pitched his fighter into a dive, his eyes flicking from the countless scopes and scanners to the void itself. He held his fighter’s course close behind that of an enemy craft. On one scope, most prominent amongst all the instruments, three rings formed around the simulacrum of the target fighter. When they were finished, Anakin gripped the controls, and sent a volley into the tail of the fighter, which was consumed with flames. He expelled a long-held breath, and then pulled from the dive to again rejoin the battle.

The shuttle that had launched from the godship came towards the Vanguard. The cruisers heavy cannons, alerted to its presence, poured out blasts of energy, but the pilot of the shuttle made it jump and swerve so nimbly that none touched it. It flew under the belly of the Dreadnaught, and dove into the hangar bay.
This attack, so unprecedented and unexpected, surprised all the gunners and hangar-men of the Vanguard. But rather than firing once inside the bay, the shuttle set down, and the pilot leapt from his vessel as though looking to storm the Vanguard himself. The marines drew their sidearms, and charged towards the man, who simply raised his hands, and called their weapons from their hands to his own. His fingers fell upon the triggers and he slaughtered the hangar guards.
Then, the general burst through the doors, and finally faced something to surprise him.
The man he faced, if man it was, for he wore a black cowl and a deaths-head mask so none could tell, wore armour fashioned of alloyed plates over his body, and beneath it leathern garb. From his gauntleted hands he let fall the blasters, and two other weapons leapt from his belt to replace them.
With a snap-hiss, two blades seemingly of blue light ignited and formed from the metal hilts. Obi-Wan Kenobi drew a like weapon, and in answer it grew a similar blade of luminous blue energy.
The two drew closer, and then the black-clad warrior attacked in a sudden frenzy, countered by the slower yet more precise motions of the Jedi Knight. The hangar was filled with the noise and hideous light of the clash as the two combatants duelled. But for all his fury, the masked swordsman could not press back the Jedi. Soon his momentum began to wane, and then Kenobi forced him back. The Jedi Knight, suddenly swift, leapt within his adversaries guard, and his blade pierced the armour and flesh of the Dark Knight.
The blades extinguished, but the blue light did not fade. Rather it radiated from the enemy, and suddenly as though some convulsion of the Force was channelled through the body of the dying warrior he burst, and a bright blue explosion shook the ships in their bay, scorched the walls of the hangar and propelled Obi-Wan across the flight deck.

On the godship, the lone black-clad figure hissed and frowned. He then composed himself, and then spoke clearly, as though he were speaking to a great audience but in the manner of one speaking to their selves: “I am leaving this battle. Surprise is lost. I shall return to the godship.”

Suddenly, all the fighters and gunboats that had issued from the fortress-like cruiser returned to it, leaving the Republican fighters largely unscathed. When all had boarded, the godship leapt into hyperspace itself.
Anakin was at a loss to understand what had happened, and said as much to his wingmates.
“What just happened?”
“I don’t know. Maybe we should ask the commander to ask Ben, he seemed to know what was going on.”
The fighters returned to the Vanguard, where, as if he had been waiting for them they found on the flight deck the general whom the soldiers, in their casual fashion, had nicknamed “Old Ben” as it seemed to fit his unshakeable calm and his true name.

Anakin was the first to pluck up his courage and approach the general.
“What just happened out there, sir?” he managed.
“I’m not entirely sure myself, Captain. When I found out I shall let you know. You’d best be off then, we’ll be returning to hyperspace soon.”
Anakin nodded, accepting that the general, for all that he was not surprised might well have been perplexed by the events of the battle, and walked off.
Once more Kenobi frowned, for as Anakin drew near he had felt something within him grow, and as he left he felt it fade.
“One moment, captain, what did you say your name was?”
“Anakin Skywalker, sir.”
“Very well then.”

This post has been edited by Chefelf: 06 June 2005 - 09:25 AM

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#2 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 30 April 2005 - 11:37 AM

Nice. I quite liked the Darth Nihilius overtones, but had one problem. Clonemasters seems a bit Lucas-ish a term tongue.gif
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#3 User is offline   StarWarsIsUs Icon

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Posted 30 April 2005 - 10:15 PM

"Clonemasters seems a bit Lucas-ish a term"

All for the better. The term still has Ot-ishness to it. That is the thing our prequels are looking for.

Symone... this is... articulate. Highly advanced. Far more educated than mine will be. (Script treatment will be up in about 90 minutes.) I feel kind of childish, with mine; even inferior. The way you described the ships moving their courses was nothing but staggering. Your style is something I could not acheive in a long time, altough I have tried before to get this type of writing down in my brain, it's just impossible for me!

Amazing. This part ends with Obi-Wan seeing that Anakin was a great pilot... meeting him as one. I love it, my friend. I owe you my honor and respect, and we at chefelf.com, all owe you our thanks. Keep it up.
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#4 User is offline   StarWarsIsUs Icon

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Posted 01 May 2005 - 01:23 AM

I'm going to get some sleep. Will finish the typing and setting up of the script by morning. Thought it would take a shorter amount of time. Sorry.
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#5 User is offline   Just another wretched fan Icon

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Posted 01 May 2005 - 04:23 AM

looks good. sounds good too

i could tell you're aussie by the way you write.

i'm not sure how one could apapt parts of it to film, like feeling something grow in anakin.

Keep going! i don't want to make any comments because its not finished.
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#6 User is offline   jariten Icon

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Posted 01 May 2005 - 01:45 PM

I wanted to bring this up

QUOTE
The strength of the galaxy- and history-spanning Republic, once mighty beyond description, is slowly fading. The JEDI KNIGHTS, once lauded as the heroes of the Republic, have dwindled into insignificance and are now scattered throughout the galaxy.


Show me, don't just tell me, this stuff is important. Starting with dwindling jedi strikes me as a narrative cop out.
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#7 User is offline   Mnesymone Icon

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Posted 02 May 2005 - 06:15 PM

Thanks to all who read an commented, but in future could you comment in the Star Wars fanfic prequels thread - just because a lot of the other screening room projects get a lot of comments and replies and sometimes you have to go through a great deal of it before you get to the next bit of the project.

Sime: as for Darth Nihilius - if that's a good thing, thanks, but it wasn't intended. I'm guessing he's from KOTOR, but I've never played it so I don't know about the KOTOR canon.

JAWF - don't be afraid to comment because it isn't finished - I encourage it! Feel free to comment, review, suggest ideas for the plot - though largely this will be my own work I'm open to suggestions.

Jariten - as for the dwindling of the Jedi, I couldn't show you - I will develop it more in just a few chapters, but as will be explained, it was a gradual decrease over thousands of years. It wasn't as though they all dropped dead five years before the Clone Wars - but its good to have at least one rational-thinking prequel supporter reading this - It means there can be a two-sided discussion without a bunch of young gushers derailing the thread.

New Chapter up in a few hours.

This post has been edited by Mnesymone: 02 May 2005 - 06:15 PM

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Posted 02 May 2005 - 06:21 PM

"""but its good to have at least one rational-thinking prequel supporter reading this""

You're right. Jaritan is rational, and we aren't. That really makes me feel good inside. JAwF, Sime, and I, feel so special, now that you have set us apart.

I'm just joking.
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#9 User is offline   Mnesymone Icon

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Posted 02 May 2005 - 07:04 PM

I was referring to George's prequels... sorry if any took it that I was claiming they weren't rational.

You seemed, to me at least, from your alternatives and your posts in the fan convention to be largely anti the existing prequels, JAWF seems to be a midway and I'm not sure about Sime - it's been a while since i've seen him in the convention forum.
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Posted 03 May 2005 - 12:42 AM

Looks rather interesting so far. The plot is a lot better than the prequels but there are minor things I'd change, for instance Obi Wan telling Bail to vacate the bridge and the death of an apparent Sith in the very begining of the story.

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Posted 03 May 2005 - 05:38 AM

It seems that the idea of a separate comments and content thread has been discarded - but I'll try to bludgeon it in.

Anyhoo, sketches will go up on the weekend - but as for new chapter -that comes now!

Chapter Two:

The Vanguard and the taskforce emerged from hyperspace above the world of Tralen. Scorched and wrecked space stations and capital warships ringed the planet. It was to Tralen that this taskforce had been sent to aid the recovery and protect the planet from whatever force had assailed it.

The ships moved into orbit about the planet and its ravaged defenses. From the Vanguard issued a shuttle in the livery of the Republic and of Alderaan.
It glided serenely towards the chief city on the surface.
There, standing like a mountain in a meadow, was a pinnacle of stone built with a maw-like hangar. The shuttle crawled on a cushion of air into the hangar, and with a whisper set down.
A ramp unfurled in a smooth ballet of technology and down the ramp came Bail Organa and Obi-Wan Kenobi. Waiting for them were the masters of Tralen.
"The Esteemed representatives of the Republic, The Governor of Tralen!" called a herald.
Bail, a man of slight body yet powerful voice and keen intellect, stepped forward and shook the Governor's hand.
"I am Bail Organa, Viceroy and Senator of Alderaan, this is my military attache and the commander of the fleet, General Obi-Wan Kenobi."
"The most talented young wordsmith and the most talented young warrior of the Republic. We thank the planet Alderaan, and the Republic, for sending help such as this."
"It is our duty, in times of crisis to aid each other as best we can."
"Truly. Tell me, Senator, is Tralen in a time of crisis, as you say?"
"We encountered the force which assailed Tralen ourselves, or one very much like it, and there is cause for alarm."
"You found them? How?"
"Say not that we found them, but that they found us. They mined hyperspace and pulled us out - by the General's swift actions their trap was foiled and they retreated rather than face us in even combat."
"They did so here as well - whoever the attacker was, they were quite unwilling to absorb losses."
This they said and more as they exited the hangar and ascended to the Governor's chamber. Here they met another man, a stern-faced soldier in uniform.
"Senator, General - Admiral Colgrim, Commander-in-Chief of Tralen's armed forces. He will tell you all that transpired during the battle. Admiral, these are Senator Bail Organa and General Obi-Wan Kenobi of Alderaan and the Republic."
The mans mask of sternness faltered, and he smiled as he shook Kenobi's hand.
"General, your reputation and that of the Jedi Knights precedes you. It is an honour to finally meet you."
Silence fell on the room. The Governor and the Senator frowned tensely.
A soft smile broke on Obi-Wan's face. "Now where, might I ask, did you hear that I was a Jedi Knight."
"From Nashira Eldacal, a Jedi who passed through Tralen searching for a fugitive from the law only a year ago."
The soft smile stayed on the knight's face as he recalled Nashira, a charming woman and comrade-in-arms, apprentice to his own master, the ancient Yoda.
Tension was broken, and they all sat down to listen to Colgrim's rundown of the attack on Tralen.

"It couldn't have been a pirate ship - there's no way pirates could get their hands on something that big," said Anakin's wingman, the youngest of his flight group.
"True enough, but no government military would fly something that old - and that heavily upgraded. That thing must be a hundred years old if it was a day," returned Anakin.
Into their musings on the inconclusive and inexplicable battle came the wing commander.
"Captain SKywalker, your time is up."
"Pardon?"
"Your eighteen months is over. The tour is finished - when we get back to the nearest fleet waystation you are free to leave the taskforce. You're also free to reenlist if you want."
"No thanks, sir, but I appreciate the offer. I have a home to go to and friends I haven't seen in a long time."
"I understand, Captain. You're a damn fine pilot and I hope you'll make a damn fine whatever it is you're going back to. And I'll see you get your back-pay and credited for that last kill on your discharge byte... Incidentally, what are you heading back to?"
"Farming, sir."
At this last the fighter pilots scattered around the ready room fought to suppress laughter.
"What was that last, Captain?"
"Farming."
"Ahhh... a son of the soil."
"Again I must correct you, sir. I'm a son of the sand - by blood I'm a succulent farmer of Tatooine."
"There's a world called Tatooine?"
"Not much of one - there's a sand mining works, and a pretty good trader flow through it - the succulent farmers feed the whole system."
"That's twice you've mentioned sand - I'm taking it the place is a desert?"
"Correct, sir. We get the water for the farming from the air - we run vaporators. It's hard work and sweat, but when you get a lush green crop growing in the desert it's a hell of a sight."
"Sounds... well, the way you talk about it sounds nice. I hope all goes well for you there."
"So do I, Commander."

"The ship came out of hyperspace closer than I would have thought possible - it launched fighters and gunboats in seconds. Before we even knew they were here, they opened fire on our control stations and orbital weapons. We launched fighters from our frigates out in orbit and from the battle stations - but they were outnumbered in the initial dogfights and the warship was able to engage our frigates. You can see for yourself that they came off second best. Then, rather than launch a ground assault or engage the defense platforms they engaged our fighters with their warship, and after they swept them out of the sky they left - the entire engagement took less than four minutes."
Obi-Wan leaned back, grasping his chin thoughtfully.
"They were similarly unwilling to take damage or losses in our engagement, which was as brief as yours. Like you, we saw evidence of extremely precise navigation, and we saw their swarming fighter attacks. We also intercepted a transmission - perhaps you did likewise?"
"No, General. Our signal stations were too disrupted by their assault to intercept even fragmentary transmissions."
"Then perhaps you may still be of service in this regard. Our onboard computers could not break the code in the time we had - perhaps yours might fare better."
He produced a small data disk, which he handed to the Admiral.
He walked over to a wall terminal, activated it and inserted the disk.
"This is Admiral Colgrim to Crypts and Ciphers - decode this transmission."
There was a muted noise from the communicator built into the terminal, and the Admiral returned to his seat. Then the terminal came awake. A voice, melodious yet menacing, spoke out.
"I am leaving the battle. Surprise is lost. I shall return to the godship."
Again Kenobi sat back, and grasped his chin with an air of great thoughts.
"That transmission came from the enemy warship - but what he's saying applies to the fighters... unless the godship applies to some other vessel... 'godship'... now that's a curious term. A god's ship, a Dark Knight, and the warship signalling the fighters."
Such were his musings, and those who heard them could not understand them - suddenly a mournful look came over his features and he stood up slowly.
"What is it, General Kenobi?" inquired the admiral.
"I have a theory as to the source of that ship that I do not wish to share as of yet.
If I am right, and I hope that I am wrong, there is indeed cause for alarm. Tralen will not be the only world to suffer, nor will it be the greatest in its suffering.
"Senator, Admiral, Governor. I regret having to leave you at this awkward junction, but I must seek the answer to this question. Admiral, can you provide me with transport to the Vanguard?"
"Of course, General Kenobi."
"I thank you. These are matters too deep for me alone, and I must find others more experienced, and more senior, to unravel this."
The Governor met Kenobi's eye, "More senior amongst the military of the Republic, or amongst the Jedi."
"If you must know, Governor, amongst the Jedi."
With that, the general left to meet what transport Colgrim had arranged for him.
The others were left exasperated in his wake, but hopeful that things might become clear.
As he strapped himself into the ship's gig that the admiral had provided for his return to the Vanguard he leant back and closed his eyes.
Walls about his mind lowered - and then he reached out into the galaxy.
His thoughts brought him this way and that, ever closer towards his master.
Another stream of consciousness met his like two hands clasping, and suddenly he was beside him.

Yoda, I need your guidance.
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#12 User is offline   jariten Icon

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Posted 03 May 2005 - 02:45 PM

QUOTE
Jariten - as for the dwindling of the Jedi, I couldn't show you - I will develop it more in just a few chapters, but as will be explained, it was a gradual decrease over thousands of years. It wasn't as though they all dropped dead five years before the Clone Wars


OK but, we get this in already in the OT, where Ben talks fondly remembers the past. so wheres the progression? we go from talking about the past to...more talking about the past, but we never actually get to see it. all we get is stasis.

perhaps you should start another thread just for feedback...I feel like i'm derailing it.
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#13 User is offline   Mnesymone Icon

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Posted 03 May 2005 - 05:42 PM

I did... it's in the Star Wars Fan Convention forum under Starwars fanfic prequels.

Your point is taken, but I didn't see how I could have shown the decrease of the Jedi over thousands of years while still sticking to the narrative devices of the original trilogy. Nevertheless, it will be developed in full quite soon.
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#14 User is offline   jariten Icon

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Posted 03 May 2005 - 06:27 PM

QUOTE (Mnesymone @ May 3 2005, 05:42 PM)
I did... it's in the Star Wars Fan Convention forum under Starwars fanfic prequels.


ah, well i'm too scared to go in there at the minute...
anyway i'm interested to see where you go with this
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Posted 03 May 2005 - 06:38 PM

""""more talking about the past, but we never actually get to see it.'"""

In my story, there are flashbacks. So you get to see what happens. There should maybe be flashbacks in Symone's story, also. smile.gif
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