[J m HofMarN]

This topic is where I intend to place all of my funny stuff that either has no home or shows up elsewhere. My first post shall appear now.

[J m HofMarN]

Here, and for no apparent reason, is a Lord of the Rings parody of some lame song by a guy named John Mayers, whom I hate.

i know a maiar
he puts the shadow inside of my fire
he's got a magic gaze
that made the steward of gondor insane

I've done all i can
to stand on the steps with my staff in my hands
Now i started to think
maybe the balrog wasnt the best enemy

so wizards be good to your hobbits,
hobbits will toss off their rings
hobbits become ring bearers who turn into sea farers
so wizards be good to your hobbits too.

Oh

Oh you see that skin
its the same hes been standing in
since the day numenor fell
i bet he felt fine
when the noldor declined

Oh yeah

so rangers be good to your hobbits,
hobbits will get captured by orcs, yeah
hobbits become ring bearers who turn into sea farers
so wizards be good to your hobbits too.

Isengard you can break
if the ents un-dam that lake
Rohan will be strong and
Rohan soldiers on
but Rohan would be gone
without the hobbits who tore saruman's tower apart

on behalf of every istar
looking out for every hobbit
you are the Valar and the keeper of middle earth
on behalf of every istar
who's looking out for every hobbit
you are the Valar and you are the keeper of middle earth

who's looking out for every hobbit
you are the Valar and you are the keeper of middle earth

so elves be good to your hobbits,
hobbits cant shoot like you do,
hobbits become ring bearers who turn into sea farers
so wizards be good to your hobbits too
so wizards be good to your hobbits too
so wizards be good to your hobbits too

What the hell was I on when I wrote this? I hope its funny...

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 16 February 2005 - 01:44 AM

[Helena]

That's good. Unfortunately I don't know the original song very well, so I can't appreciate it fully.

[J m HofMarN]

Be glad Helena, it's rather whiney and annoying.

[J m HofMarN]

How'd THAT get in there? - A review of bad ingredients, by J M Hoffman

There's just some things that don't have any business being in certain foods, there really are. Sometimes it comes from textural differences. Sometimes it's due to incompatibility between different kinds of quisine. For this article I, being a chef and one with a supreme aesthetic sense, would like to share with you some of my knowledge of bad experiences I've had.

First of all, the subject of chili. Chili, contrary to what some believe, is NOT Irish quisine. You cannot just throw anything you want in. Beef stock, onion, pepper, beef, chili powder, cumin, maybe some cheese or something- these are acceptable ingredients in chili. Traditional Mexican chili dosn't even contain beans, but is served with the beans on the side so they can be mixed in. However, I have been subjected to find celery and even mushrooms in my chili.

If anyone you know is guilty of either offense let this be proof- there is no excuse for putting mushrooms or celery in chili. Mushrooms grow in dark moist places, and the desert southwest is neither dark nor moist. Celery is chiefly used in more refined and sophisticated (nothing against Mexican quisine) culinary divisions, such as contemporary American and French. It may not be overpowering in this dish, but it still reduces the texture, adds unwanted color and serves no purpose in the chili. The mushrooms are simply wrong and should never ever be in chili.

And now on to another thing that people seem to have problems with: salads. Everyone knows that a traditional salad only requires tomatoes, lettuce or other greens, cucumber and carrots. So where does celery get into the mix? Celery dosn't belong in a salad. It overpowers every other flavor. If you want to put celery in a salad you may as well just give people a bowl of celery. There are plenty of things that can go in salads besides the four basics, but celery is not one of them!

Also, this is something that really bothers me. If you're going to go to a restaurant that serves wine and you know nothing about wine, order a coke. If you absolutely have to have wine, DO NOT MIX DARK MEAT WITH LIGHT WINE! For goodness sake people. Order a red with red meat and a white with white meat. If you hate dry wines than a ruby port or perhaps a shiraz will do just fine for red wine, not all reds are dry. If you hate sweet whites you can rarely go wrong with a sauvignon blanc or a chardonnay.

Oh, and one final note. If you make the mistake of ordering a steak without the house's sauce on it, and you find it dry due to the fact that you made a silly mistake, do not go asking "Hey, can yall give me some A1?" Because I'll hurt you. Rather, get the house sauce. We make it to go on that steak. We know more about steak than you do. Shut up, bastard.

I think that's my rant for the day.

[J m HofMarN]

The following is a letter I wrote to the editors of my local paper, accosting them for claiming that Santa Claus was an elf.

One last thing that's been bothering me for a while is that, in the January 6th 2005 issue, your staff writer makes a comparison between a Mr. Fargo and Saint Nick. This is fine. What is not is the inference that Santa Claus is, as the writer put it, a "Jolly Old Elf." Let me inform you that having read J. R. R. Tolkien (the inventor of our modern idea of elves) I can assure you that Santa Claus is not in the least bit elven, nor is there any reason to claim such.

Elves do not age, nor do they become fat, and they never grow beards. The creatures that work in Santa's shop for that matter aught to be classified as gnomes rather than elves but we'll leave that alone. Santa Claus is a human, based upon Saint Niklaus, a German fellow who gave gifts to poor children on Christmas. The elves, the ascent of chimneys, the North Pole, and the rein deer are all inventions of the corporate media. However never in their wildest dreams would the aforementioned media mistake Santa Claus for an elf. A saint he may be, but one of the Quenya he is not, sir!

[J m HofMarN]

I read a book today. Truth and Beauty. I read about half of it today. The bad half. The half where Lucy Grealy, who was a real person and died a year or so ago, she was real and she lived, that's the person the book is about but she was also a person I never had the chance to know. Her life and death made me think about a lot of things and I want to try to sort through all of that here.

Lucy died of heroin after nearly choking on her own vomit a great many times. I admire her greatly. Good heavens I must sound like a perfect lunatic. Lucy was one of those people that, when they finally destroy themselves, people mill about "Oh, she had everything!" Slag off, bastard!!!

It's pretty clear that anyone who requires heroin and booze to live dosn't have everything, and this story touches me because I can really see that. It's cruel and ignorant to chide people for killing themselves, it really is. I can't say exactly whats wrong with it and why it bothers me so much but it just is. And besides, suicide is romantic just like drug addiction.

My aunt killed herself and I've always had a slight self destructive streak too. And of course various friends of mine have been into drugs, as have I. In fact this past holiday season I went on quite a spectacular binge myself. When my aunt died noone was angry at her at all. She was just not looking forward to having to get a job. Her money had run out and she was depressed, so she shot herself. It seems almost like a logical conclusion to a problem, if not for all the social taboo bullshit.

Sure I wish she was still alive, but I'm not mad at her or anything. I wonder if some of us aren't just meant to die. I mean I'm not suicidal or anything, but I'm sure one way or another I'm going to make an end of myself in some way that I at least participate in. That's really where the supreme romance of suicide comes into play. It's the ultimate existential act.

An artist like Lucy Grealy went through her whole life on her own terms and simply plodded through anything. She was also so human and up close you kind of see that, and you see past all the nonsense. And of course humanity is the focus of existentialism. What I think I've learned is that death is (until I find some way to cheat it) a part of life, but that we don't really need to be afraid of it because in some way a few of us are in control of it.

After so much heroin Lucy must have realized she was going to die. And there's a divine release in that, so that even if it was only an accidental overdose there's still an element of choice in it. I don't know why that strikes me as some kind of romantic idea but it does.

I think artists are given to mental illness and suicide more than any other profession, and its because they always make their own thing and do their own thing, so when they die it has to be on their own terms as well. Really no matter what career people choose death is relatively (until I find a way to cheat it) certain so I don't think it's such a big deal to consider that taking up as a writer could easily lead to self inflicted demise.

I'm not sure what this is going to be construed as, or if anyone is actually going to read it at all, but I know that people like Lucy and others are in some way fallen angels who simply aren't meant for this mortal coil. It sounds pretentious but it's true. I can't blame Hemingway or Lucy or Cobain for what they did, and I don't know why. Maybe after knowing so many people who died it's gained a sort of sanctity in itself. Death is an absolution in a lot of ways.

I'm not sure where this is going, so I think I'm going to leave it inconclusive and bereft of that absolution, much like all living things are. So it's kind of funny that an article about suicide is really very life like.

[J m HofMarN]

After completing Glamis I have a number of projects I intend to work on, so I'm detailing them here to give people a chance to give me a bit of input.

The first is to continue the London Nights series (the one that includes The Lord of London) with another book about Chris, this time detailing his meeting with the Queen of the Night.

The second is yet another book about Chris, wherein he faces off against various ghosts somewhere in America.

The third is a novel based upon the exploits of the vampire Simon Sheffield, who was introduced in the first book of the London Nights series.

I also want to write something epic and grand and true, but I don't know how...

[J m HofMarN]

Here are some Xtreme and KraZy answers to a survey my internet provideer made me fill out. I did it, cuz they said I might win a prize if I did. But that dosnt mean I did a good job. Some of the questions were boring, but there are a few good ones that begged just the right answer.

Question 6: What is your image of Shentel as an internet service provider?

Answer: I see Shentel less as an ISP, and more as a father figure.

Question 9: How did you find out that Shentel provided internet service in your area?

Answer: It came to me in a dream from GOD!

Question 12: Within the last six months have you considered switching to another internet service provider? If yes, why?

Answer: They offered me ever lasting gobstoppers to get in their car and sign up for internet access.

Question 13: How likely are you to continue to use Shentel as your internet service provider? Why do you feel this way?

Answer: Very likely. Because all my base are belong to you.

Question 15: Who is your wireless service provider?

Answer: Definately not Laura's company, I can tell you that much!

Question 16: Have you seen or heard an advertisement for Shentel lately? If yes what was the message?

Answer: Join us or die!

[SimeSublime]

Little bit of boyscouts at the end there? I particularly liked number 6.

[J m HofMarN]

Yeah, 6 is my favorite too, and actually I was more thinking along the lines of Bush's "Join us or die" speech. You know, the same one where he offers a shiney new Camel to the man who brings him the head of the rebel leader?

I really wish they gave you more long answer questions instead of just circling things. I wanted to write that one of their customer service reps talked me out of killing myself once and helped me to find god. THAT would get someone a raise!

Really all they do is help me fix my internet, but its kinda the same thing.

[J m HofMarN]

This idea is going to stay here kind of in utero as it were until Glamis is done, at which point I might turn this into something. Until then its just kind of a vague idea for a play and its plot. Here's a cast of characters.

Vincent: A casting director for movies
Gina: Vincent's girlfriend
Henry: A chef at a restaurant the two leads frequent
Andrew: A suitor for Lizette
Laura: A suitor for Vincent

Charles: A Wisconsin fetishist.
Helga: A strongly opinionated lesbian
James: If he told you what he does, he'd have to kill you
Nigel: An intellectual and avid reader
Scott: A homosexual actor
Matthew: An avid gamer
Sky: A marijuana enthusiast
Brandon: A thoroughly divorced man

The setting is London.

Gina breaks up with Vincent amid a big fight. She says she knows she can do better then him and he claims she cant. He goes to Henry's restaurant and has a great idea to prove his worth to Gina and win her back. He sees that she's put an ad in a local paper for blind dates, siting spontinaiety as one of her main enjoyments. Vincent goes to his studio to call up some actor friends of his. The following are a few scenes from the eventual play.

[SimeSublime]

Hard to say from the little information, but there is potential. Also, who is Lizette?

[J m HofMarN]

gargh Lizette was the name i first used for Gina and forgot to change it.

[Lord Aquaman]

There's some really funny stuff in here. Keep it up.