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Star Wars Fan Convention

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Rememberer's takes Now showing in the screening room...

#76 User is offline   Mnesymone Icon

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Posted 15 May 2005 - 10:28 PM

Glad you liked it, JYAMG, SWIU... I might try another chapter in 7 or 8 hours.

Tension mounting.

Incidentally - from a purely literary point of view, it is a bugger to find the right way to express the plural Anataj.

And SWIU (particular) and everyone (general) - part of the idea of separating the discussion thread and content thread is that you don't spoil the content by reading the comments first.
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#77 User is offline   Mnesymone Icon

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Posted 16 May 2005 - 05:43 AM

new chapter has arrived
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#78 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 16 May 2005 - 10:36 AM

Of course we knew he was going to make the decision, but I liked the serious way you handled it anyway.

As for critisism, in the line "the Jedi Knight, the farmer and the fighter", I would suggest 'soldier' or 'warrior' rather then 'fighter'. Fighter is too broad a term, whereas soldiers and warriors are attributed to honour and codes of conduct.

Otherwise good. I particularly liked your description of the clones forces.
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#79 User is offline   Mnesymone Icon

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Posted 16 May 2005 - 05:53 PM

he's not a warrior - not yet at any rate... and I use the soldier term for people who are also servants after a fashion... fighter because that is Anakin's character - he's a tough man of great fortitude and sense of duty rather than honour.

Still - I thought doing these two key scenes this way was much better than "am I ever going to see you again?"/"are you an angel." And bucketloads better than "I don't like sand."
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#80 User is offline   StarWarsIsUs Icon

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Posted 16 May 2005 - 08:02 PM

"Yipppeeee!"
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#81 User is offline   Mnesymone Icon

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Posted 17 May 2005 - 08:48 PM

I'll take that yippee as a compliment... I'll take a break from the takes to do some other work but I'll put up another one in 2 days or so.

Maybe I'll get a few interested readers in alternate PT once the Sith cat jumps out of the bag and the takes aren't being drowned in spoilers... but then again they'll probably be drowned in reviews, including mine.
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Posted 17 May 2005 - 10:13 PM

Brilliant, Mnesymone. Excellent work.

Light years ahead of The Phantom Menace.

This post has been edited by diligent_d: 17 May 2005 - 10:18 PM

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#83 User is offline   Mnesymone Icon

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Posted 20 May 2005 - 05:58 AM

Another new reader! Always a pleasure... Unfortunately with the seasonal ROTS-ness kicking around I'll be unable to make headway and post a new chapter for a titchy bit.

This post has been edited by Mnesymone: 20 May 2005 - 06:23 AM

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Posted 20 May 2005 - 11:09 AM

Are you going to put any character like General Grievous in your r.t.'s, Symone. I haven't read the last couple of chapters, but I plan to. Maybe you could make Grievous more menacing, more sinister... and more determined to go right after a Jedi, instead of running from them. wink.gif
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#85 User is offline   StarWarsIsUs Icon

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Posted 20 May 2005 - 11:11 AM

Its only the most recent chapter I haven't read. Nevermind. I'll go read it right now.
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#86 User is offline   Mnesymone Icon

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Posted 20 May 2005 - 09:18 PM

"Are you going to put any character like General Grievous in your r.t.'s, Symone. I haven't read the last couple of chapters, but I plan to. Maybe you could make Grievous more menacing, more sinister... and more determined to go right after a Jedi, instead of running from them."

No, no, no, no, no, no and no.
This is not a redraft, it is a ground-up rewrite... and since Grievous as a character was not effective nor intuitive from the original trilogy I will not use him... I have enough villains with Anataj and the Dark Knights of the Sith.
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Posted 20 May 2005 - 11:24 PM

New Chapter! No Grievous!
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Posted 21 May 2005 - 09:25 AM

Symone, I do like Tolkien, don't get me wrong. But you ever notice how he goes overboard on useless detail. Here is a good example:

'Faurimirmir bent down and took a shit near the eastward biggest bush in the east of the forest, slightly off the path to the northeast where a stream that runs south trickles and sings over rocks. The sun sends rays down onto the stream from the northward direction. With Faurimirmir having finished taking his grand shit, he walked a few miles to the north to meet back up with his friends, and eventually came to a sheer cliff, we he had to climb using crags for steps and holds. The cliff was indeed sheer, sloping down towards the north... etc.'

I mean... I love Tolkien... I love his stories. But if this doesn't sometimes annoy the **** out of you, I have to say: You're not human, my friend. Perhaps an elf?
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#89 User is offline   diligent_d Icon

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Posted 21 May 2005 - 12:36 PM

I don't there is too much details in these at all. They're thumbnails with detail inserted when appropriate.
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Posted 22 May 2005 - 05:09 AM

Ummm... SWIU and diligent D - thanks for replying and everything but what were you replying to?

SWIU - there is a question of relevance to what you just put there, also I'm not entirely fooled by your example of tolkien's writing - I have a sneaking suspicion you made it up... admittedly FOTR does spend a great deal of time on nitty-gritty details but he does do wonderful descriptions towards later on - his description of Imlad Morgul and Minas Morgul in the Two Towers is great, and actually quite short for all the detail it conveys.

Diligent D - ummm... please explain? Are you talking about actaul thumbnail pics or my writing or eggs faberge or what?

And SWIU - I am human, just an older and more patient kind than yourself. Not that I would mind being an elf.
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