[Emu]

Thought I'd try one....

Means Of Time Travel Discovered

Time travel was discovered yesterday in Northeast Westville by Village Brilliant Scientist, Dr. Cecil H. Wharfleton. The possibility of "time travel," wherein an individual is able to journey to the past or the future, has been long debated by physicists and drunken philosophers. Dr. Wharfleton's methodology of time travel apparently involves quantum theory, blinky lights, and minestrone, but we're not going to go into the gory details, since we're sure that it would make your head explode and that you'd rather hear about the gory details of some celebrity's personal life instead.

Dr. Wharfleton was found huddled in a corner of his house yesterday afternoon when the local police recieved complaints from his neighbors of loud noises and blinding flashes of light emanating from his home. Neighbor Irma Eggerly had this to say: "Now, it's nice that we have a Village Brilliant Scientist and everything, and of course we're all very supportive of his hobbies but really, I moved to this town so that we could have some peace and quiet and so that the children would have somewhere safe to play, we don't need the march of progress happening right across the street."

When Dr. Wharfleton was found, he was sitting on the floor in a distant corner of the basement, rocking back and forth and humming tunelessly. When questioned, he responded, "Dr. Wharfleton isn't here right now, Dr. Wharfleton is in the Paleolithic era in a very important conference with Zlarfous Leader Snorg right now, Dr. Wharfleton should be back in a few millenia, please leave a message after the beep, BEEP!" An addiction to adhesive substances is highly suspect. Zlarfous Leader Snorg could not be found for comment, but authorities suspect terrorist activity.

Despite the fact that this cutting-edge new time machine could not be found since it is presumably being devoured by a T. rex somewhere, its discovery has raised a tremendous amount of controversy. The Coalition Against Time Travel, a small group formed this morning to protest willful motion through past, present, and future, is presently staging a riot peaceful demonstration outside Dr. Wharfleton's home, chanting, "We don't need no fourth dimension, we don't need no time control, no temporal paradoxes in the classroom, physics, leave our kids alone, hey, physics, leave our kids alone!" and hurling rocks at his windows. Let's see if I can safely get close enough to hear what else they have to say.

Emu: So, what's so bad about time travel, anyway?
Protester: Time travel is a sign of Satan! You could inadvertantly become your own grandmother! The apocalypse is coming!!!!111one
Emu: That's lovely, thank you. And you, sir, why are you protesting time travel?
Another Protester: Well I don't know about you, but I sure don't want my children gallivanting around the Victorian era.
A Third Protester: Yeah, we don't need shenanigans like that. And think of how my kids would be able to dodge their curfew!
Emu: Oh, the horrors. Yes, clearly this deadly new technology must be stopped.

The CIA has been monitoring Dr. Wharfleton's house for some time now, and are planning to remove him for questioning shortly. Secret Agent Double Oh Dude is here for comment.

Emu: Why is the government monitoring the development of time travel?
Agent Double Oh Dude: So, like, we propose a new form of foreign policy that's like this: If certain individuals pose a threat to our nation's security, then we can, like, go back in time to, err, disappear those individuals before they were even born. And that's just, like, whoooaaaa...... Far out.

Emu: Indeed it is. There have also been numerous unconfirmed reports that Al Qaeda has been attempting to procure this technology in order to go back in time far enough to prevent the world from ever coming into existence, and as a result, congress is attempting to pass legislation to put the entire past onto retroactive red alert.

In today's events we have seen an entire spectrum of reactions to this fabulous new invention, ranging all the way from "Kill it!" to "Use it to kill people!" O brave new world!

No borg or sentient kitchen appliences were available for comment, but if they were, they would have undoubtedly said, "RESISTENCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED."

And you will.

[Voodoo Dog]

FORKING BRILLIANT EMU!!! Wish I'd thought of that. Nice to finally see a chick in this place. You ARE a chick, are you not? I kinda picked that up from somewhere. Forgive me if I'm wrong.

[J m HofMarN]

Really great stuff, I love it Emu. Come around more often!

[Slade]

Please do. But not too much. I'll be tempted to throw s around.

[Mnesymone]

Bloody hell that was funny... And so bizarrely realistic at the same time.

[SimeSublime]

Excellent use, from the setting, to the !!!11one, to the final line. We will indeed.

[Mnesymone]

Is there no more satirical news? What is the world coming too?

[Voodoo Dog]

I seem to have tempoarily run dry. As soon as I think of something, I'll get back to ya.

This post has been edited by Voodoo dog: 26 May 2005 - 11:01 PM

[Mnesymone]

As soon as I have the time I'll do some.

[SimeSublime]

This just in. As news is running dry, many of my esteemed compatriots claim to be coming up with something new. More information when they return!

[Mnesymone]

Pirates Sail Again!

The Pirates of the Debate Club, founded by the legendary pirate-ninja Slade (aka Sladadict I, Pope of ChefElf.Com) and including the unholy vampiric ninja warrior JM Hofmarn, Jane Sherwood of Big Fuckoff Knife fame, sodding enormous post giant Barend, young dungeon master Kirby, rugged scoundrel and handy sketch artist Laughlyn, trustworthy fighter and first mate Floppydisk, quiet occasional pirate Emu and raven-toting corsair yours truly. I don't think I missed anyone but feel free to kick me in the shins if I did.
Beginning as an attempt to quell horrific flame wars, it grew into a war between two groups of pirates, led by the sodding enormous Barend and vicious murderous Jane Sherwood respectively, a gang of ninja-trained corsairs led by Slade and the insidious ninja assassin JM.
The Pirate War ended, as most pirate wars do, with all ships save one being turned into floating splinters, which everyone clambered on to and formed an alliance. The losses were tragic - Jane managed to fatally skewer countless vital organs and eyes with the now legendary BFK, Floppy's parrot Pecker was killed, giant Barend destroyed his own ship, as did Slade and JM Hofmarn commited seppuku after poisoning vital alcohol supplies. However, everything turned out fine as everyone got by without their kidneys, Pecker seemed to recover nicely, everyone found enough room on Jane's ship and an ancient sea vampire restored JM to become an even more deadly ninja vampire while the poisoned grog spiced up the evenings with much laughter and nausea. Once Jane's leaky ship was fixed, an assault was launched upon Coney Island in true haphazard pirate alliance fashion. Barend claimed ownership of the lower decks of Janey's ship before pillaging the defenseless rich of Coney Island and kidnapping Nicole deBoer, I mistakenly launched an attack on Janey's ship but was beaten back by Floppydisk and Laughlyn and was then talked into helping them raze Coney Island, while Slade was brought a step closer towards fulfilling his ultimate quest - finding the washing machine Bluedye. After Coney Island was destroyed by volcanic flames, the pirates left and scattered throughout the world to sit exams, do assignments and earn money.
We were left with the great legacy... this topic is perhaps the most important in the universe. It illustrates a war between pirates, ninjas, generic pirate ninjas, Slade and washing machines. (Floppydisk)
But whispers are spreading... Slade, leader of the Debate Club - pope of ChefElf.Com and founder of the Pirates has returned to continue his quest for Bluedye.
The pirates are back. Hide your valuables and women, draw your swords and fear the Big Fuckoff Knife.

I'm Mnesymone and good night.

[floppydisk]

Brilliant! I love it! Thanks for the footnote, by the way.

[J m HofMarN]

Great work man, loved it!

[Slade]

Aye... we're back, lads!

Brilliant article as usual. Free blessing! *bless*

[Mnesymone]

New Civilisation Discovered!

An enormous island has risen in the middle of the Atlantic! The size of Spain, it is edged in seven-hundred foot sharp edged cliffs except in one spot where there is a gentle bay that provides acess to the remainder of the island, nicknamed Atlantis by some, Excalibur by others and Bob the Island by a small tibetan llama named Jeff. A wide plateau unfolds atop the island, dotted with large dome-like thingies filled with cities and farms. Initial anthropological examinations by people not from America has revealed that it is populated by seven and half million biological perfect examples of a highly evolved humanoid with uniformly grey irises, a faint blue tint to their uniformly black hair and alabaster skin. The Atlanteans seem to have forty-eight teeth of slender construction, extremely sophisticated knuckles and finger musculature that allow each finger a degree of motion and coordination unseen amongst humans. They seem to be taller and more slender than humans, ranging between 200cm and 225 cm with exceptionally tall examples approaching 280cm. Their eyes see a broader range of colour, seeing into the infrared range giving them what we would consider 'night vision.' They seem to have a secular religious culture, led by a class of priest-judges followed by an enforcer class and finally the basic civilian caste.
However, satellite scans by Americans have revealed that the Atlanteans are developing nucleo-biologico-chemical weapons of supreme mass destruction and they pose a threat to democracy owing to their caste structure and the Accident of the Disunited States of America George W. Bush has issued a mispelled statement to the Atlanteans: To yus the peoble of the newly-risen Altandi, I Persistent George UU Bush, say to yu go back where ye came from and make not the weapons of mass distraction. We will not tolerate the oppression of people who just came out of the sea, the commies.
Evil Defense Secretary and Evil Vice President Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney have backed up this statement, and are mobilising for a nuclear assault upon Atlantis.
Golden Archpriest N Khamerand has responded by saying "Peace and prosperity unto you, G Orjedubyabush." while Silver Archpriests M Shakerath and M Shadroth have backed up this statement and are mobilising gifts to give to G Orjedubyabush and are offering to make his ambassador an honorary Archpriest in their counsels.
T Onaeblaer and J Onhowatt are saying that they will not accept Atlantean immigrants, while R Noltschwartzenegger said something but it was incomprehensible.
G Orjelukas is preparing to make a new DVD 3D re-release of the Star Wars trilogy and is offering to use the Atlanteans as a CGI template for some aliens who will clutter up memorable scenes with random crap, while R Idlaeskot intends to make a weighty historical drama out of Atlantean history.

I'm N Simonae, Good night.