[Slade]

Hehe, bless that little "MOVE TOPIC" button. Sometimes tactical nuclear strikes are the only things that get people out of a flame rut.

You're a welcome addition to this News Room, Mnesymone, and the forums. A gentleman and a scholar, indeed.

[Mnesymone]

Thank you, Slade... and Sime - of course you are - anyone who has ever been Pierce Brosnan automatically steps up to respectability - also you have lain low the Chyldking and have a damn impressive set of scars.

[SimeSublime]

This Just In: SimeSublime blushes at unexpected compliment, and offers thanks. More would be to follow.

Update: SimeSublime actually has no material for article.

This has been your random headline maker, SimeSublime, signing out for Chefelf 5 news.

[Mnesymone]

Flow of Satirical News Temporarily Dires Up

Dismay spreads like wildfire as the Satirical News team, not to be confused with the Crappy News team, though the two are not always separated have been unable to post any satirical news for several hours.

Leader of the news team and recent rampaging drunk, JM Hofmarn, locked himself in a small room and began rocking back and forth saying "Chefelf 5" to himself over and over again while rats crawled about the floor. He is alleged to have eaten some of them but then again is alleged by some to be a terrorist and a threat to democracy so I'll cut off there. Slade, the meeting point between the admin-backed Crappy News team and the entirely unsupported volunteer crew of Satirical newsreaders, began a campaign to create news by issuing Papal edicts concerning the burning of buildings but the wildfire that spread like wildfire as countless arsonists heard the words of Pope Sladadict I and torched everything in sight was anything but satirical.
Voodoo Dog - our foreign correspondent and most disturbing newsreader yet, largely due to his use of the phrase "throbbing anus", has begun attempting to fashion with his paws a mannikin or effigy of Slade and has viciously savaged the effigy in an attempt to kill Slade out of sheer boredom (possibly drug-induced) but unfortunately the effigy bore a much greater resemblance to Kyle Katarn of LucasArts game fame and thusly all future Dark Forces or Jedi Knights games will not feature Katarn owing to his transformation to a zombie werewolf with a taste for potatoes. Sime Sublime was spotted leaving the screening room, slightly blushing and preparing to lead a campaign of puffins to Madagascar, but unfortunately the bus was late and he and an army of 15,000 puffins with winchester rifles will be waiting for a few minutes.
Mnesymone, your nonunbiased and unimpartial correspondent, has, to stave off the terrible boredom and loneliness of the current dearth of satirical news that has lasted several long hours (about 63 minutes each, which is unusual behaviour for an hour) has prepared a piece of satirical news about the absence of satirical news.

He's me. I'm vain. Good evening from ChefElf 5.

[J m HofMarN]

Chefelf 5 education report: Children officially declare adults to be morons, take over world.

In a move that was widely expected, the children of the world have declared their supremacy to adults and begun to overthrow various world governments. We recently received a copy of the manifesto of their leader, one Stuie Griffin.

"We are the world, we are the children." He began.

The rest of it was written in poorly spelled crayonics and illegible. But why now? Well, there are several reasons.

For one thing, it has been sited that everyone who voted for George Bush was over the age of eighteen. As if that wasn't enough damning evidence, there's more.

Recently, a child was expelled from pre school for pulling another child's hair. You might recall pre school as a time when our greatest worry was whether or not we had urinated in our trousers. However, with the passing of George Bush's "No Child Left Alive" education act, this has changed. Many toddlers now face kinds of punishment that they can't even pronounce.

For instance, where once someone would have been made to sit in the corner, they are now brought before a secret military tribunal. Anger over this, as well as the continued existence of Michael Jackson, has formented in the hearts of the world's children for a long time. Finally, by taking over the set of Barney the Dinosaur, they sent out the code word for their revolution to begin.

The U.N. was the first to fall. Kofi Annan and all of its leaders were trussed up in the basement. However, noone seemed to notice as the boys and girls who had stormed the building soon began bickering endlessly over wether to have white or chocolate milk with their lunch, and noone could tell it from the regular UN.

President Bush was next on their hit list. They surrounded him in the oval office and demanded that he sign a treaty giving control of the US government over to them. The treaty was delayed however because neither the pre schoolers nor the president knew how to spell their own names. An order has been passed to hunt down Dick Cheney so that he can forge the signatures of both parties, and take the president to the bathroom.

We'll bring you more on this story until our news staff are all butchered by our pre-pubescent overlords.

Good night, and God help us all.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 17 May 2005 - 09:55 PM

[SimeSublime]

SimeSublime here reporting from the front lines of Madagascar. The battle is finally coming to a finish, as the puffin forces of The Green Knight, SimeSublime the Puffinesque, Liker of Chips and Hunter of Gnomes wipe out the last of the resistance. The gnomish forces fought well, carrying their panther allies into the fray, but were ultimatly overwhelmed by the blatant supremity of the Puffins. Sadly, though, it was all a ruse. Whilst our forces were distracted, the gnomes started their plan to use the children against us. The gnomes are clever little bastards. Chefelf 5 will endevour to bring you more information as the situation unfolds.
-This has been SimeSublime, correspondant of unknown purpose reporting for Chefelf 5 News.

[J m HofMarN]

By the way Mnesymone, that article kicked ass.

Oh, and a very fine effort General Sublime. Years ago you served my father in the puffin wars. Now he asks your help as our senior correspondent on military affairs.

Also, for your good work, Mnesymone, you are hereby given the title of Junior analyst for the Saudi Arabian royal family.

[Voodoo Dog]

THE SECOND COMING OF CHRIST

An event that will have Christians all over the world drunkenly singing hymns and overturning cars has just occured. ChefElf 5 is happy to report that the Messiah, Jesus Christ, has returned from the grave and plans to lead the world in a thousand year period of peace and happiness. Jesus Christ, real name Joshua Fishstick, kindly consented to an interview with me, on the condition that I circumcise myself. Apparently God's first convant with the Jews was never cancelled despite rumours to the contrary and all Christians who never carried it out will face eternity in Hell.

VD: "It is an honour and a pleasure Mr. Christ. How does it feel to walk the earth after so many years of being dead?"

JC: "It feels great VD. I have always admired dad's little project. I admire it even more because I am him and he is me. And no, don't even ask me to explain that. And don't even get me started on that bastard the Holy Ghost. He gives the rest of us a bad name."

VD: "How do you feel about how the world has changed since you have been away?"

JC: "Well there have been quite a lot of improvements VD, but some things I find a little depressing. I'm quite fond of the Jews, being one meself, and it's quite annoying that they have been brutalised over the centuries in my name. And even worse, they didn't accept me as the Messiah, so most of them will be brought back to life on Judgement Day only to be thrown into the Burning Lake Of Fire. This means that that BASTARD Satan will have the dear sweet little Anne Frank to keep him company over eternity, and I'll be stuck with Adolf Hitler because the cunt believed in me. But hey, what can you do? I didn't write the rules. Dad did. Who is me. I really hate myself sometimes."

VD: "Is there any particular reason you decided to return now?"

JC: "Well, I was rather bored to be honest. Sitting at the right hand of the LORD sounds good, but you'd be surprised how uncomfortable sitting on someones hand for two thousand years can get. And he kept making "amusing" hand gestures too. Bastard. Sometimes I'd swear I was adopted. Anyhoo, I took a little look in that "Bible" thing I've heard so much about and discovered that some raving lunatic who called himself St. John the Divine had written some crap about how I would return eventually and I thought why not? I've got nothing better to do."

VD: "What are your plans now you are here?"

JC: "Well, Johnny boy mentioned something about a thousand years of peace followed by a New Heaven and a New Earth and that sounds like a laugh to me. Although I think I've jumped the gun to be honest. I'm not supposed to show up until that little sprog Damien has conquered the globe. Ah well, I'm here now and I'll keep an eye out for the little brat. He won't be pushing any pregnant women over banisters with a tricycle on MY watch. I really hope saving humanity will be easier this time. Being nailed to a plank of wood was a right pain in the neck to be honest. Even singing "Always look on the bright side of life" didn't really take my mind off the pain. And being in Hell for three days? Bloody torture! The coffee they serve is shit. Absolute shit. Well, at least I got to meet good ol' Moses who was burning in Hell for not being a Christian, having lived a few thousand years before me and never having heard of me. I've always been a fan of him. Although to tell the truth, he wasn't very happy to see me. In fact he was incredibly angry about being hung by his penis over a burning pit of sulphur. Can't please everyone I suppose. Anyhoo, this time around I plan to have some FUN. Can't be doom and gloom all the time can we? I can't believe I never used the ol' water into wine trick to impress chicks. This time around, I plan to FINALLY get laid. And there won't be any virgin conceptions this time around, I tell ya!"

VD: "How about you show us some of the old magic right now?"

JC: *laughs* "Oh really, it's not that impressive. It was blown a bit out of proportion by the ancient hebrews, to be honest."

VD: "Oh come on, you're just being modest. Show us a little of the old Jesus Juice. just for old times sake. Please."

JC: "Well...since you asked so nicely...Okay."

At this point, Mr. Christ snapped his fingers and rotated his buttocks anticlockwise. My penis turned into a cucumber, my pubic hair turned into a nest of cobras and my armpits turned into condoms. I am now the most sought after image by certain groups on the internet.

VD: "Still got it!"

JC: *giggles* "I'm not exactly a has been yet, now am I? Remember, those snakes are living creatures and should be taken care of. The almighty LORD does so declare."

VD: "It's been an honour and a privilege Mr. Christ."

JC: "Not at all my son, not at all."

This is VD, recently born again Christian, signing off. Can I hear an amen brothers?

[1337]

Another series of starwars is possible goin to be made its goin to be based on the character bounty hunter and his journeys

[Voodoo Dog]

Fair enough, but you should probably have posted that in the Star Wars forum. This thread is for SATIRICAL news. You could do an interview with Boba Fett where he says "Why do these bastards of fans keep hounding me? I was only in the fucking thing for five minutes!" or something. Better luck next time.

[J m HofMarN]

Someone quick kill that post!

And VD, just curious but does everything you post involve the word penis? I laughed once from that when you said that you were now the most saught after image on the internet, good gag.

[Slade]

Kudos I say.

Don't forget, Jesus also saved the world from the Blaintologists.

[rock_dash]

Tomorrow, Junior Intern Man, aka, Rock Masamura will report on an alleged drunken brawl between Legolas of 'Lord of the Rings' fame and cartoon legend Foghorn Leghorn.

Details at Eleventeen.

[Mnesymone]

Good show VD - how in heck did that other guy get his way in here... hmmm this was what I was talkikng about when I made that thing in the suggestion box - I fear the screening room will soon become an island in a sea of strange young fellahs... incidentally VD - you haven't lost your disturbing touch.

[Mnesymone]

On that note.

STAR WARS ROCKS FOUNDATIONS OF CHEFELF!

In the leadup to and even now after the release of Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, the land of ChefElf.Com has been invaded. Gushers and bashers and fanboys have swarmed in, pouring into the forum in their dozens (dozens? doesn't sound quite so cool as hundreds but it is factually more accurate.)
The Star Wars Fan Convention was so heavily swamped with spoilers, reviews and other shite that Chefelf, lord of ChefElf.Com was forced to create a separate forum for Revenge of the Sith - but even that could not contain it... the forum for all that it is piss-young has blossomed to six pages already, and its banks have been burst by the swarms of pre-release posts. Jedione managed to leave the Star Wars Fan Convention and invade the lobby, and it took great efforts of the moderators to wipe clean the damage he dealt. Also, many people who showed up some time ago to gush and fanboy around like great gushing fanboys but were roundly kicked out have returned, and are beginning to circulate around the forum.
Even the Screening Room, long protected by its veil of secrecy and 56k unfriendliness, has been breached. We applaud the efforts of our leader here at ChefElf 5 to counter the breach by flooding the Screening Room with random little topics but if JM was serious about some of those things well I for one will have to laugh. ChefElf 5 itself has been affected by the flood - our defenses were breached and someone managed to thrust into the midst of our harmless thread this particular pearl of wisdom: "Another series of starwars is possible goin to be made its goin to be based on the character bounty hunter and his journeys" for which we were all eternally grateful... thats some of the stuff I'm talking about when I say we need a moderator here.
In the midst of this all, Heccubus, most powerful of ChefElfs minions and mightiest of moderators who is normally known to moderate to the extent that little is left standing in his fiery wake has been unable to cope with the sheer numbers of the spoiler-toting review-posting gushers and fanboys.
"There's too many of them!" He was heard to remark as he smote one with thunder from a high mountain while calling a great fireball to blast another.
Giant striding titan of posting Barend was the first to cash in on the interface between pre- and post-ROTS, not that he needs to since he is already freaking huge, and was able to temporarily distract the countless (actually not particularly countless) fanboys, but even the Paranoid Battle-Droid himself, for all his sydneyness was unable to hold their attention for long.
In the midst of this all, this humble (actually rather vain) Soothsayer was unable to do much so I sensibly went and hid, seeing as discretion is the better part of valour and cowardice is the better part of discretion. The swarms of weird posts cropping up will temporarily cut me off from my Rememberer's Takes, and unless I gain the moderators ability to nuke the bajeezus out of random rubbish I'll have to stay down until the furor stops.

This is Mnesymone, and I hope we get a moderator to defend this innocent little forum soon or the attacks stop.