[Slade]

That was fucking awesome. We have some talented news anchors here.

[Mnesymone]

Indeed it was, your moderatorness.

[J m HofMarN]

Crazy environmentalists irked by new air freshener.

Chefelf 5 news now brings you a story as part of our continued commitment to addressing environmental matters by pretending they don't exist.

This week, Glade air freshener corp, in an attempt to court the drivers of SUVs, has released a new line of air fresheners and angered some of those zany environmentalists who like to talk about mythological creatures like global warming or endangered species. This reporter thinks that if endangered species actually existed, there'd be more of them.

Anywho, the air fresheners come in an assortment of fresh scents, such as "April Rain", "Tropical forest" "Yummy fruit" "Huffinstuff" and, the one that has raised the ire of the crazy liberal tree huggers, "Silent Spring"



The air freshener in question is scented with DDT and inserts into the gargantuan death spewing tail pipes of humvees and other such vehicles. As soon as the vehicle is activated and exhaust comes out of the port the air freshener activates, filling the air with a sweet scent while also killing off any song birds or other animal life in a mile radius.

"I am lovink zee scent of zee aea freshena" Stated governor Arnold Schwarzeneger.

"Finally, I can drive my SUV without having to worry about any bothersome wildlife chirping or getting under my tires. I don't mind telling you that the blood is hard to clean off!" Quipped the Marquis SainteEvremonde, another SUV driver. When it was later discovered that he had in fact run over a child, he tossed a five dollar bill out the window and snorted some coke.

Environmentalists, however, were not content to snort coke, and have begun a campaign to plug up the exhaust pipes of any vehicles using the air fresheners using organically grown environmental friendly potatoes grown by Uruguayan natives.

When notified of the plan, governor Schwarzeneger vowed that even if they did manage to make him choke on his own noxious fumes, "I'll be back"

[Slade]

Haha. Awesome possum as usual.

[Mnesymone]

And appallingly realistic too.

[SimeSublime]

I just loved the Silent Spring reference.

[J m HofMarN]

It really DOES sound kind of like an air freshener.

[J m HofMarN]

Soft drink lines introduce new flavors

Summer is hot, sultry, moist, and oh so slick and humid. It just makes you want to suck up all the hot wet fluids and flick your tongue around in them and and... Sorry, I seem to have spontaneously orgasmed. And now back to the news.

Yes, summer is hot. And to capitalize upon this the Capulets and Montagues of the beverage world, Coca-Cola (slogan: Slave labor and monopolies in poor countries taste good) and Pepsi (slogan: We shamelessly rip off Coca-Cola) are unveiling new lines of summer beverages.

Coca Cola, in response to the threat posed by Dr. Pepper cherry vanilla flavor, has unveiled Coca Cola cherry vanilla flavor, which they swear is different than just mixing cherry coke with vanilla coke. Pepsi followed suit. Not to be outdone Dr. Pepper revealed its new flavor, Dr Pepper cherry vanilla lemon lime chocolate surprise.

Sprite's new Remix gimmick has gone into overdrive, as they have created a beverage that will cater to "artists" who perform remixes. The actual drink is the same, but the plastic bottle will be laced with diamonds.

Not to be outdone, Fanta grape soda has unleashed a new ad campaign. While not altering the drink they have developed a new slogan. "Fanta: Just try it, please, we swear it dosnt taste like ass sweat" In a similiar move, Mountain Dew has released their new beverage, Mountain Dew Penis. By simulating the taste of man meat they hope to market to the gay male and straight female population, while depending on dares and pranks to sell to straight males. Mello Yellow was expected to do the same, only they'll call theirs Mellow Yellow Wang.

Energy drinks have packed their products with yet more unpronouncable and likely deadly herbs, spices, rocks, minerals and animal parts. We will bring you exclusive coverage on lawsuits stemming from the effects of these drinks as court papers are filed.

And that's news to me.

[Slade]

NO NEWS TO REPORT

CHEFELFIA, The Internet - It has been a rather slow news day here at ChefElf5. We like to pride ourselves on reporting the news as it happens, giving you what you need to know in information chunks digestible even to the most television-induced atrophied brain. We're well paid, well dressed, well spoken. We have an acceptable amount of minorities to keep the authorities off of our backs and we're always sure to tell you about what we're told by the global corporation that owns our station says you should be hearing.

That being said, I'm afraid that absolutely nothing is going on right now. I'm standing here in front of a plain brick building that a few people might know as the library. It's not being taken down or turned into a shopping mall. no one is attempting to rob it or burn its books, and there are no men dressed as super heros protesting above it. The situation is the same at the bank, the pasta shop, and the tattoo parlor. Absolutely nothing is going on. Here's a dog in a tutu reporting live from outside the mall.

Dog: *Woof woof woof bark bark growl woof woof sniff*

Slade: But when?

Dog: *Bark bark bow wow*

Slade: Thank you for that bit of information. Turning now to our very own asian reporter Tricia Takinowa at the bar across town. Tricia, what's the situation like over there?

Tricia: Well, Slade, it's the same thing that's been happening all over town. Absolutely nothing.

Slade: Nothing at all?

Tricia: No. As you can see, even the sexually deprived are not even out here, even though as the large green neon sign states, there are Live Nude Orcs inside.

Slade: Fascinating...

Tricia: Don't patronize me, we both know the only thing keeping us awake is the obscene amount of amphetamines in our systems.

Slade: Right. Do you have any idea as to what's caused this?

Tricia: Well, we're unsure. We've asked people and they've simply shrugged at us and replied "Meh." We were hoping that extraterrestrial hamsters had begun abducting people and forcing them into weightloss programs, but that's not it. Local satyr detective Martin Chuzzlewit had this to say.

*Cut to clip of Trisha and Chuzzlewit.*

MC: Damn it all, I don't know! Why are you people always trying to call me an alcoholic! I can stop drinking whenever the hell I want to!

Trisha: No, Detective Chuzzlewit. Why do you think that there is no news to report?

MC: Everyone's inside because it's cold and windy?

Trisha: Thank you, sir.

MC: Don't mention it, doll. Hey, are you free later tonight, if you know what I mean?

Trisha: Detective Chuzzlewit, I -

*Cut back to Trisha.*

Trisha: And there you have it. The weather is poor. Wait! This just in! There is an ant slowly moving its way down Main Street! I've got to go. Back to you, Slade!

Slade: Thank you, Tricia. Nothing to report. Just... me... sitting here... talking to the camera... with nothing to say... Well... this is awkward... *Slade checks his watch.* Only twenty more minutes to go... *sigh*

This post has been edited by Slade: 01 May 2005 - 11:42 PM

[J m HofMarN]

Slade- As I said on AIM when you asked me if your story was good, I ask you once more to delete it. It's making my story look bad in comparison to it! Seriously though that was some great skit writing.

[Slade]

Phaw, but thanks. I maintain that yours was much more funny.

[SimeSublime]

I liked both. I'm not taking sides.

[J m HofMarN]

Sime- Either you're with me (and thus against me) or you're with the pope (and thus against the pope)... funny how that works... Well, back to trashing my article then.

Lousy piece of crap, Slade's was so much better... -mumble grumble-

[Mnesymone]

Interesting little thread - and that's a much better idea of what to do on a slow news day than run the same old "kids to fat, except for the teenage girls - who are too thin" story.

[J m HofMarN]

(You asked for it Mnesymone)

KIDS ARE FUCKING LARDASSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This just in. The Chefelf5 news team has learned that your kids are fat pieces of shit. What could be causing this? Perhaps the fact that their stupid fat ass parents do not bother to mention that they've eaten a box of twinkies? Perhaps forsaking them to sit in front of the TV all day? Perhaps frequent verbal abuse from a society that is completely unloving and hostile has driven them to eat more?

To provide an example of such abuse, here's our very well built and good looking sportscaster, Chuck Billman. Chuck, what do you say?

CB: "Hey fatty, you sweaty fat fuck, you're a fat piece of crap, yeah you, haha look at your fat ass you fat piece of crap you couldn't be much fatter if your name was fatty mcfat and you were marching in the lard day parade from the town of beergutville to triplechinnington."

Fascinating. As you can see, abuse like that is popping up everywhere. So what can you do? Well, you can try to tell your children that they're not worthless pieces of fat crap who don't even deserve to live. Be supportive of their efforts to lose weight even though we all know they never will and they're doomed to a life as overweight virgins until they die from premature heart failure at the age of fifteen.

Above all, show compassion for the fatties.

This has been a public service announcement from Chefelf 5.

Chefelf 5: we're putting children (through horrible verbal abuse) first.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 02 May 2005 - 07:42 PM