[J m HofMarN]

Chefelf5 News has just received a startling report from the American Society for Fake Statistics: In a recent poll by the ASFS of 100 reports of Americans killed in lightening strikes it was found that 100% of people surveyed died in lightening strikes this year!

Against numbers like these there can be no argument. It is very likely that we are all doomed. What can you do to protect your children and yourself? Well, based on our statistics, it's very likely that you're already dead, as shown in this file photo:



Regardless of whether you're a psychic kid who has not yet been struck by lightening, or are already dead and just don't know it, one thing remains clear. You can stay tuned to Chefelf5 News for round the clock coverage of this story as it develops.

[J m HofMarN]

TERRORIST alert! TERRORIST alert! TERRORIST alert!

The Chefelf5 News team has just learned that our supreme leader, George Bush the Second, has raised the terrorist alert level from "mistreated highschool kid with trenchcoat" to "dark skinned guy with a beard carrying a suitcase" what does this mean to you? Will your children be safe now that the threat level has been raised? Howabout your pets? Do you even have pets? If not, perhaps you should get some before terrorists blow up your local ASPCA, with all the puppies and kittens inside. That's right, even the one your son really wanted to get last time.

You could die at any minute. Terrorists ARE lurking outside your house. Your children are not only not safe, but they're likely already dead. Or converted. In our eleven oclock hour we'll show you how to weld all your bodily orifices shut so that your family (now turned into terrorist drones) will be unable to inject anthrax into you. If they havn't already. By the way, it's important that you not panic. Terrorists can smell fear.

What can you do to protect the puppy your son really wanted to get last time from Osama Bin Laden and kids in trench coats? You can stay tuned to Chefelf5 News for further updates. Other than that?

We don't know.



WE. DON'T. KNOW.

Goodnight, and God help us.

[J m HofMarN]

Tonight Chefelf5 news asks the question: Why aren't your children safe? Don't they deserve to be safe? I suppose you think this doesn't apply to you because you don't have any children hmmm? That's interesting, because in a recent survey of soap opera characters by the American Society for Fake Statistics it was found that almost everyone has a child that they either don't know about or are trying to keep a secret from their lover. Fifty percent of the time amnesia is involved.

Could you be an amnesiac parent? And how does that effect your child's safety? In another study by the ASFS it was shown that roughly eleven in five children have been molested by convicted sex offenders. In fact YOU could be a convicted sex offender yourself.



Is it possible you're molesting your children you didn't know you had without even realizing it? And what about the health effects on your child? The molestation may have given them lead poisoning. And the lead may have contained the flu virus. Are your amnesia-bastard-michael-jackson-molested-lead-poisoned children immunised against the flu? Probably not. So what can you do?

Stay tuned for more.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 13 April 2005 - 05:11 AM

[Just your average movie goer]

You're on a roll, mate! These are great.

[Slade]

Haha! I haven't laughed out loud like that in ages, mang. Thanks for that.

[J m HofMarN]

School shooting kills 20, Warrants issued for Marilyn Manson and Pac Man

Chefelf 5 news brings you an exclusive report on the most recent wonderful opportunity for coverage of a very major story. Fuck was the camera on? Ok ok start again.

Chefelf5 news brings you -sniff- a heart rending report on the most recent tragic school shooting. OH WHY GOD WHY! THEY WERE SO YOUNG! TAKE ME INSTEAD! TAAAAKE MEEEEEEEE!

Sorry, this sort of thing just really gets to me -sniffle- Ok. Well we have some details on the crimes now that we've been allowed to share with you. The child's parents, Phil and Jill Sleezebaggano, had been vacationing in Aruba for the past year but had left their AK47 to babysit. Reached for comment Phil had this to say:

"Umm yeah I'm pretty sure we have a son, but don't quote me on that."

Mrs. Jill Sleezebaggano was more helpful: "Yes, Toby called us a few months ago and told us that the kids at school had tattooed an obscene word on his forehead and anally raped him. We didn't think it could lead to THIS though. I mean it's high school, kids are going to get teased."

Friends of young Toby were shocked, with one child mentioning his love of video games. "He used to go home and play pac-man to help forget about the injuries he'd received the previous day at school."

We managed to reach Dr. Phil Slefflemayer, a noted expert on drawing conclusions, for his input.

"Well you can clearly see what led to this. Pac Man is what we call a gateway game. It typically leads to listening to Marilyn Manson and once that happens a school shooting isn't far off. Examining the young man's actions you can see a clear similarity, almost as if he was mimicking the plot of the game exactly.



Pacman walks around eating white dots and fruit and being chased by ghosts, and Toby ran around his school shooting people and then killed himself. It's almost eerie how alike these two actions are.

The babysitter gun was recovered at the crime scene, but the police have not yet commented on its condition.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 14 April 2005 - 02:50 AM

[J m HofMarN]

NRA offers help to beleagured schools

We have here Charlton Heston of the National Association of Zealotrous Idiots who Shoot stuff. Or NAZIS for short.

CH: I'm sorry, but that's NRA.

JH: My mistake, now I understand you have a solution to this terrible problem?

CH: Yes, well as you know my group has suggested putting guns in classrooms, but we didn't feel that that would give teachers the firepower they need to keep classrooms peaceful. We proposed nuclear weapons, but there aren't enough of them to have one in every school, which would conflict with the president's No Child Left Alive act.

JH: Fascinating. So what did you come up with?

CH: Well, we were all watching Saving Private Ryan, and we realized that since world war 2 was over there'd be a lot of stuff left over, so we proposed a new model for school buses that would allow them to comfortably shuttle students to and from school, as well as massacre anyone who looked suspicious. Here's an artist's rendering.



Now teachers can finally guarantee student's safety, unless the attackers are able to create a "sticky bomb" by putting a charge into a sock coated in axel grease and attaching it to the school bus' treads.

JH: You are a genius and a patriot sir, thank you for sharing your time with Chefelf5. Any parting words?

CH: Yes. I'd like to say to the children of our nation that you should never solve your problems through violence. Now why don't you come for a PR photo with me and I'll let you hold my rocket launcher.

JH: Sure!

[Just your average movie goer]

Sweet, JM HofMarN delivers Charlton Heston his just desserts ... in true satirical style. Very nice.


Yes. Very nice indeed.

[Laughlyn]

Nice stuff Dude, very brass eye (if brass eye never reached your part of the world, pat yourself on the back for being in tune with the best of the late 90's british docu-satire).

[SimeSublime]

Have to say that I'm liking these. Now to try and think of something myself to contribute.

[Slade]

These things are too hilarious to be written by mere mortals. Other docu-satire that's British and worth taking a look at: Look Around You.

This post has been edited by Slade: 14 April 2005 - 03:05 PM

[J m HofMarN]

Chefelf5 Exclusive: George Lucas persues new career

Seeking to recoup losses after unsuccessfully making some movies but successfully destroying the childhood memories of millions, noted director and arrogant prick George Lucas has undertaken a new career as a rock star. Rather than perform on stage Lucas sings from a hay bail with a barbed wire fence infront of it. Here's a photo of the man himself looking out over a crowd.



His reinvention hasn't been without a few bumps in the road. Besides the frequent attempts on his life by lovers of the original trilogy he's also had to deal with problems at his concert. Insiders report that Lucas is frequently drunk during performances and ends up making up new lyrics to his hit songs such as "'Cuz I'm George Lucas, mutha [expletive]" and his REM tribute "Losing my Imagination". The life of a rockstar hasn't helped Lucas' famous contempt for his audience much either.

In one recent performance he is rumoured to have drunkenly urinated over much of the front row. Complaining audience members were rebutted by an angry tirade from the artist formerly known as Lucas:

"[expletive] you all! I'll [expletive] on whoever I want cuz thats my [expletive] artistic vision! I'm not just doing this because I'm [expletive] drunk, I always intended to! And you better [expletive] well like it because it's my [expletive] creation! [expletive] [expletive] if I feel like it I'll [expletive] in your [expletive] mother's mouth and you'd better [expletive[ sit there and like it cuz I'm George Lucas mother [expletive]"

Looking for a professional take on bad behavior by rock stars we sent a reporter to interview Courtney Love. He is missing and presumed to have been sold into slavery in exchange for drugs. We recovered his camera a week later and we'd show the footage but what she did to him makes the Blair Witch Project look like The Blair Witch Project 2.

[Just your average movie goer]

I love it. And the Courtney Love bit at the end was just brilliant.

[Slade]

Statue Vandal Strikes Again




Florence, Italy - In a shocking turn of events, the second statue in three years has been brutally defaced by the application of clothing to cover its nude portions.

Sometime last weekend, a still unlocated criminal broke into the Galeria dell'Academia in Florence Italy and placed a pair of Jeans on Michelangelo's statue of David. This museum is just one of hundreds left, and like all museums, is filled with lots of crap no one really cares about. Except for the curator of the museum, who we were unable to contact because she died last year in her apartment and no one noticed. Her bones had apperently been picked clean by her fifty starving house cats, and despite the axe found in the back of her head, foul play is not suspected. The police have been questioned concerning the vandalism to the statue.

"Well, we thought it was former United States Attorney General John Ashcroft up to his old tricks again." Florince Police Chief Bento stated inbetween bites of a heaping plate of spaghetti. "But mama mia, he had an alibi." According to one of his aides, Ashcroft was busy snorting cocaine at the reported time of the incident. Ashcroft was labeled a prude and a total nutcase three years ago for having the breasts of the statue of Lady Justice covered up while he gave a speach in front of it. We can only assume the temptation to rape the statue would have been to great to withstand.

Detective Chumps Grimbo has hypothesized that this is the work of a copy-cat vandal. "I think that this is the work of a copy-cat vandal." He says. "We see stuff like this all the time. People idolize people in positions of power and imitate them as a form of flattery. One time two kids saw Chuck norris light a man on fire and kick him out of a three story window into a storehouse of flammable chemicals on Walker: Texas Rangerand then tried it themselves. It just sickens me that people will actually stoop to such depravity in this day and age. We drag in twenty people a day for tearing tags off of matresses because they saw it on that Grand Theft Auto game." Grand Theft Auto is a video game series where one is allowed to commit any sort of crime he can think of and then get away with it. As of such, it is insanely popular in backwards countries like the United States and shunned in countries like Chekistan because they can not afford televisions.

Strangely enough, there was absolutely no evidence left at the scene of the crime. The jeans placed on the statue are completely generic and made by child slave labor in Taiwan like most clothing worn by our highly advanced western civilization. "The guy was good. Too good..." Officer Barvlowski thinks that this is no copy cat. "This was clearly an attack by a highly skilled burgler with cyber-ninja like skills." He states. Only a very few groups in the entire world could plan an attack so perfectly that an underpaid down on his luck hard boiled detective couldn't solve. The NRA, The 5th Union Chapter of the American Legion, NASA, and the Mormons.

Charlton Heston was unavailible for comment becuase he was busy shooting Arab-Americans, but an inside source says that the style was entirely wrong for an attack. Past reports of NRA dealings normally involve bullets and/or high explosives. NASA's attack would have failed miserably by equipment malfunction and would have taken three years in order to put into effect. And the 5th Union Chapter was at bingo night on the night the visual defecation took place.

However, we at ChefElf5 News only had to wait moments for a group of Mormons to stop by the station and attempt to show us the truth of the one true God, though they did not seem to have any idea who would have commited the crime. "We don't know who did it, but we're thankful." A woman with fifty children trailing behind her said. When pressed for information, her companion, a man with three women around his two arms added, "Having nudity is entirely unnatural and the complete opposite of what God's will on Earth is. People should never look at one another naked, ever. Genitalia are the devil's creations!"

We asked God for a comment. "What? No! I made genitalia, and I'm proud of them. Nothing else so bizarre as copulation could be seen as so beautiful by humans! I mean, have you ever watched two people reproducing? I can't help but laugh every time I see it. And I didn't make clothes, I don't care whether you all wear clothing or not. You were born naked, but you're also hairless and need warmth." We were interrupted when Colonel Sanders arrived with a fresh batch of popcorn chicken and began feeding it to God.

"We have no leads as to who could have done this." The Florince police department said. "But since it happened at a museum, we don't have the resources to investigate further. But do not worry, the moment our pasta shops and television stations come under attack, we will serve and protect!"

Police are still looking for clues as to the purpurtraitor of this heinous crime. Any information about the incident should be turned into the Florince Police Department. Rewards in pizza will be offered for leads that result in successful arrests.

This post has been edited by Slade: 18 April 2005 - 12:08 AM

[J m HofMarN]

Breaking news: black people!

This is a live report from Chefelf5. We're here in a gated community in suburban Alexandria Virginia where two black males have just been sighted. We have a witness here, Mrs. Margee Butternut, who was on scene when the event occured. What can you tell us Margee?

MB: Well, I saw them in their car, and they drove past me, they weren't going too fast or anything but like, just fast enough to be suspicious, and one of them had this look in his eyes.

JH: Can you describe the look?

MB: He just had this hungry look in his eyes, like he was thinking about eating something. He looked really hungry. I mean he could have been thinking about eating me!

JH: You're very brave to have survived this harrowing encounter, thank you. Once again, two black men sighted here recently, community very traumatized. Lots of people here are still trying to cope with this. It's a difficult time you know, what with the children and all. The poor children.

What should you do if you see the suspects? First of all, don't approach them, they're definately armed. Also, don't look at them, because they will kill you. Remember, they're black and extremely dangerous. They're believed to be driving a red car, probably of japanese make. We dont have an idea on the manufacturer but amid the frightened whimpers we've gathered that it has an "a" in it.

Once again, to recap, the suspects are black males and are considered armed and extremely dangerous, like so dangerous that they might kill the president. Can we maybe get an interview with the president out of this? Sorry, I got off track there. Anyhow, good night, and god help us all.