[Slade]

Phaw, but thanks. I maintain that yours was much more funny.

[SimeSublime]

I liked both. I'm not taking sides.

[J m HofMarN]

Sime- Either you're with me (and thus against me) or you're with the pope (and thus against the pope)... funny how that works... Well, back to trashing my article then.

Lousy piece of crap, Slade's was so much better... -mumble grumble-

[Mnesymone]

Interesting little thread - and that's a much better idea of what to do on a slow news day than run the same old "kids to fat, except for the teenage girls - who are too thin" story.

[J m HofMarN]

(You asked for it Mnesymone)

KIDS ARE FUCKING LARDASSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This just in. The Chefelf5 news team has learned that your kids are fat pieces of shit. What could be causing this? Perhaps the fact that their stupid fat ass parents do not bother to mention that they've eaten a box of twinkies? Perhaps forsaking them to sit in front of the TV all day? Perhaps frequent verbal abuse from a society that is completely unloving and hostile has driven them to eat more?

To provide an example of such abuse, here's our very well built and good looking sportscaster, Chuck Billman. Chuck, what do you say?

CB: "Hey fatty, you sweaty fat fuck, you're a fat piece of crap, yeah you, haha look at your fat ass you fat piece of crap you couldn't be much fatter if your name was fatty mcfat and you were marching in the lard day parade from the town of beergutville to triplechinnington."

Fascinating. As you can see, abuse like that is popping up everywhere. So what can you do? Well, you can try to tell your children that they're not worthless pieces of fat crap who don't even deserve to live. Be supportive of their efforts to lose weight even though we all know they never will and they're doomed to a life as overweight virgins until they die from premature heart failure at the age of fifteen.

Above all, show compassion for the fatties.

This has been a public service announcement from Chefelf 5.

Chefelf 5: we're putting children (through horrible verbal abuse) first.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 02 May 2005 - 07:42 PM

[J m HofMarN]

Chefelf 5 Healthwatch report: Summer time blues pandemic expected

I'm Chefelf 5's senior health analyst, J. M. Hoffmarn, and this is a Chefelf 5 Healthwatch special report. We all know that summer is a magical time. A time when boys splash in swimming holes and girls get splashed by boys who are in swimming holes, and were parents have to help dry off girls who get splashed by boys in swimming holes, and then become enraged, and then strangle the boys, and then weight their bodies down and drop them into the swimming hole hoping the cops will never find them.

Yes, summer certainly is a time for weighting down bodies, but did you also know that a deadly disease may sweep the country during the coming warm months? Dr. James Taylor is raising a fuss and raising a holler, he's touring the country all summer hoping to earn a dollar to stop this plague. Dr. Taylor, what can you tell us?

JT: Well I used to work at the CDC where I first identified the disease. I went to my boss who governs me, but he said "no dice, bud" So I had to quit.

JH: It's always the fate of courageous men like you to suffer for all of us. So what exactly is this disease?

JT: You know you're right, sometimes I wonder what I'm gunna do. As for the viral strain, all I can tell you is there aint no cure for the summer time blues.

JH: That certainly is disturbing. So you've named the disease the summer time blues, and it sounds pretty serious. Have you gone to the government about it? Is it sexually transmitted? Sexually transmitted diseases are really good for ratings. Are there any symptoms?

JT: Well I saved for two weeks and then left. You might call it a fine vacation but I was busy, because I was taking this problem to the united nations. To answer your question though, there was a congressman in Washington who sent me a note asking for my help. Apparently his teenage son (who is still too young to vote) contracted the disease, and so it is possible that its transmitted via sexual intercourse. The symptoms are the following: sweating, getting out of breath, being very hot all the time, and having bouts of extreme thirst. If you exhibit any of these symptoms during the summer, start to panic and quarantine yourself immediately.

JH: Dr. Taylor, thank you for coming to talk to us. Well there you have it ladies and gentlemen. It's sexually transmitted, there's no vaccine for it. Sometimes I wonder what we're going to do, because there aint no cure for the summertime blues.

Goodnight, and god help us all.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 02 May 2005 - 08:02 PM

[Slade]

New Sport Sweeps World

Dusk. The thrill of excitement, like the moment before lightning strikes, hangs in the air like dense musk of the obsese man with long greasy hair with literally painful bodyodor and poor eating habits sitting next to you. The stars glisten in the sky like the puddle of soda that was spilled on your seat and which is now finding itself more comfortable in your nether-regions. Suddenly, something inside you shifts. Your pupils dialate and a primal scream of rage emerges from your mouth. Before you are even aware of it, you tear the still beating heart of the kid who was kicking the back of your seat out of his chest and eat it as the life drains from his eyes. Someone turns to you and hits you in the face with a chair. As you fall unconscious, the glorious smell of burning rubber fills your nose and makes what's left of your eyes cry tears of joy. You have tasted the fruit of the greatest sport to ever grace the earth, and it is good.

Move over, tennis. Kiss our asses, rugby hopscotch. Take a hike, american football. Say goodbye to the sunlight, baseball. You've been spying on women's changing rooms for far too long! Get in the basement this instant! Go! Right now! Don't make me get the fire hose! The newest sport, rioting, is the team player that has no team and is so badass that he gives himself swirlies in the toilets. It's frantic, it's loud, it's in your face, and it's catching the entire world by storm.

Imagine an average football game. Millions of screaming fans all on the edges of their seats, Big Gulps and ten pound and thirty quid hot dogs in hand, watching two teams of eleven people viciously slide tackle one another in an effort to kick a ball between two poles with a net behind them, screaming unintelligble obscenities. Now, remove the field, the ball, the goal, and you have rioting.

With no more boring "sportsmanship," "teamwork," or "a bunch of guys kicking a ball back and forth," the spectators are able to focus on what truely matters. A mass orgy of senseless violence. Gone are the teams, goals, points, balls, referees, and any resemblence to order. Instead of popcorn, the audience can buy flamethrowers, grenade launchers, crowbars, tazers, and various swords and knives. The very thrifty bring their own weapons from home or create them, such as the popular board-with-a-nail-in-it. Tickets are sold in a haphazard fashion to encourage incorrect seating, but no one is allowed to harm one another, although people are given free, complimentary rusty pikes when they enter. The agitated people sit and wait anxiously for the two men on the hot coals that replace the field to die. These two are locked in mortal combat with chainsaws as the crowd enters, and as soon as one of them shuffles off his mortal coil, a siren sounds, signallying the frenzy to begin.

But don't let the constant capitalization on murder fool you, rioting has pulled people together more than Jesus, Internet pornography, and chicken wings combined. "You know, it's like... beautiful and stuff..." said Bill Schwartz, a two riot veteran. "All of these people, united under the common love of beating the [explative] out of one another because they are pissed off." He then attempted to shed a tear, but the constant trauma his body had undergone caused him to shed his eyeball instead. After he popped it back into its socket, he continued. "Yeah, like I was, uh, saying... rioting rules!" Schwartz turned and then kicked a passerby in the chest so hard that his foot went through the man's torso.

But how can this both touching and gruesome sport have been possibly began? What would possess someone to create an arena for the sole purpose of killing one another and starting tire fires? Who could possibly be responsible for such simplistic brilliance?

It all started at a European football game (that's soccer for you yanks) where one Dennis Jones had bought a front row ticket. He had expected to sit down to a quiet game of football. What he hadn't expected was that the mafia had recently raped and killed his wife, three daughters, the family dog, and the family goldfish, Pete. That would have phased most people, but Jones refused to let it bother him as he shuffled his way though the stadium and found his seat. But when he arrived, someone had taken it. Unperturbed, Jones sat down in the seat next to him. And then it happened. The other team scored a goal, and the person whom had stolen his seat jumped up and cheered. Jones viciously mauled him and sparked another typical football riot.

"That's when it happened." Jones later recalled. "As soon as that woman's fist connected with my face, I knew that people would pay money for this stuff." As soon as he was allowed to leave the Intensive Care Unit at Bixfield Hospital, he called the CEO and Grand High Poobah of the Fédération Internationale de Football Association(FIFA) and quickly explained his idea. The man was appalled at first, but soon his eyes became Euro signs and he agreed. The World Association of Rioting(WAR) was waged.

"I thought alot about my missing kidney, my permanent brain damage, and my poor raped and murdered goldfish while I was in the hospital." Jones tells ChefElf5 News. "But mostly I thought about how [explitive] good it felt to hit someone I didn't even know hard enough to kill him. Why did we even bother with the facade of coming to watch people kick a ball? I knew rioting would be a hit." After all, no one really went to football games for the football. Recent surveys conducted by Professor Real Statistician clearly show that almost every football fan only went to the game for the occasional burst of brutal physical contact. The jump to removing the players and allowing the fans of the opposing teams to fight it out to decide the winner of the game was only the concussion of a genius away.

"I don't want to say I'm a hero, though I guess I kind of am, but the idea was always there, it just needed a spokesman. I'm still a man. Just a very very rich man." Jones states. Modest words from a man who founded the sport that became the highest grossing entertainment industry ever created in less than one week. With his sudden fortune, Jones has decided that instead of investing it in the stockmarket or spending it to fuel the economy, Jones is going to sit on his fortune like a dragon guarding treasure. Just as soon as he buys a five thousand room mansion on his own private island in the Carribian, of course.

This post has been edited by Slade: 09 May 2005 - 12:14 AM

[J m HofMarN]

Thank you Slade. As you all know Slade is our senior riot analyst here at Chefelf 5 news, and you can always catch exclusive riot coverage during our sports hour. Then after that Chuck Billman will have a recap of the days best tipping overs and fire startings. Stay tuned.

[Voodoo Dog]

Chefelf 5's newest reporter Voodoo dog here. Our blatant attempt to avoid being sued by the ACLU by hiring ethnic minorities no matter how crap they may be at broadcasting continues with the signing up of the first Irish reporter, me VD. I am also required at this point to appease the ACLU by stating that any stereotypes of Irish persons you have are false. Irish people do not all have red hair. Rather only those decended from Viking invaders have red hair. We do not beat the shit out of people when intoxicated. We get the shit beaten out of us by other people when intoxicated. Irish people are not all constantly drunk. Irish people are all constantly under the influence of marajuana and LSD, usually at the same time. The stereotype of the common Irish male as having a 12 inch long 3 inch wide penis however, is completely true.

There's only about 3 million inhabitants in this country that's about half the size of Great Britain, which has 58 million inhabitants. Since there are so few of us, we all know each other very well. So using my influence, being Irish and all, I managed to get an exclusive interview with the Taoiseach of Ireland, Bertie Ahern. THE TAOISEACH. The Prime Minister, for fucks sake. Minister Ahern took the opportunity to tell the people of America, who he worships, how he feels about the war in Iraq.

Cead mille failte!

I, the Taoiseach of Eireann, Bertie Ahern, will take this opportunity to tell you, the people of America, who I worship, how I feel about the war in Iraq.

The war in Iraq is the only way to keep the world safe from democracy. Sorry, I meant for democracy. Please don't quote me on that. Please. I would like to thank George W. Bush for his noble efforts. I'm sure he really intends to make the world a better place for everyone, and is not conducting this war to finally prove himself to his father by ending a conflict his dad started that should have been concluded a decade ago. In fact, I would like to ask mister Bush if I could suck his cock for him the next time I'm at the whitehouse for a Saint Patricks day function. It would certainly make a nice change from pretending to discuss events in Iraq and Northern Ireland and trying to convince an international audience that we actually enjoy traditional Irish music whilst getting retardidly drunk, like we normally do. If Laura is there I'm sure she would like to watch. I have researched pornography on the internet quite extensively, in the name of research mind you, and I have found that certain individuals enjoy the sight of lesbian sex. Did I mention that this was in the name of research? Giving this, its not a bad guess to think that a woman might enjoy seeing two men engage in a homosexual act, which I have also observed on the internet. This was for the purposes of research as well.

I would happily aid the good cause by sending in all 8 of the Irish troops in the Irish army. No, not the IRA, the Irish Army. Y'know, the official one that isn't allowed to carry out acts of terrorism because we are horribly weak and we'd get in trouble from the UN. Unfortunately, the Irish constitution has a clear policy of neutrality, so I can't because I'll get in trouble with those annoying voters that plague the face of our fair country, The Emerald Isle. Happily, since the leader of the opposition party is even more of a wanker than I am, the citizens of this country, particularly those under 30, have been struck by political apathy. Since this state of affairs is likely to continue this means that I am more or less Irelands official Dictator. When I feel the citizens of Ireland are ready to accept this fact, I will declare myself so, along with announcing our intentions to enter the war. I am aware that some unenlightened persons will resist, so I'm thinking of introducing a re-education plan to help these poor souls. It will involve starvation, brutal beatings and lots of rooms numbered one hundred and one. It saddens me that I may have to do this, but sometimes sacrifices are necessary for the common good.

Ta moike dis speech, oi took one of dem dere "Instantly give yourself an American accent" mahshoines used ta broing Brotish sitcoms to Amorican audiences dat oive hord so much about. Moi own accent is too hiloriously stereotopical foir any of you noice Amorican fellers ta undorstond.

Slaine!

This speech was originally made in Gaelic, the official language of Ireland besides English, even though only 2% of Irish people speak it. Mister Ahern is distressed by this sad state of affairs and continues to force such matters as the Irish language, the joys of celibacy, the evils of masturbation and unquestioning loyalty to the Catholic Church down innocent childrens throats in the name of "National Identity" or natident. This is done by a program started by the Ministry of Truth called "Education" or edcat. The education centres are known as "official state schools" or ofstschls and 99% of them are run by priests and nuns. This is because the official religion of Ireland is constitutionally Roman Catholicism. Any who resist these efforts will be irradicated from our society, becoming "unpersons" by the Minstry of Love. Mister Ahern is thinking of bringing a third official language into Ireland, George Orwells Newspeak. However, in the interests of National Identity, it will be a compressed version of Gaelic not English.

Sadly, there have been quite a number of immigrants coming to our shores in recent years. Many of these people are not Catholics. This spoils the beauty and unification of having one official Church. However, I'm sure that once they come to the conclusion that the Catholic Church is the one true faith, and that the only deities whos existence have not been proven that can be worshipped are Jehovah The Creator, Jesus Christ our Divine Lord and Mary The Holy Mother of God, they will happily convert from their paganistic hellbound ways. If that doesn't work, the common feeling in Ireland is that those filthy heathen niggers should get back on the filth encrusted raft they floated in on. Yes, there were a lot of emmigrants from Ireland to America and Britain in times past, but Irish people are white, and therefore can do whatever they want. If you disagree, then you are a filthy racist and we will sue you. Why don't you just hang a "No Irish need apply" sign above the entrance to your premises and have done with it?

This is VD, the man who for some reason shares his initials with a sexually transmitted disease, signing off. Back to you JM.

This post has been edited by Voodoo dog: 07 May 2005 - 07:23 PM

[Mnesymone]

Here at ChefElf 5 we have a breaking news story: A news story has been broken!

Apparently a news story, likely about overweight or underweight children, was being driven to a television network where a woman likely enough in her thirties who is good-looking without really being attractive was waiting patiently to have the story flashed up on the autocue so she could read it aloud to concerned yet bored people around the nation.
When the news story reached the intersection of Chef Street and Elf Road it is alleged that three events occured simultaneously that culminated in the destruction of the news story.
The first of these events was that a formidable cross-wind peeled of the small invocation to Hofmarnous, God of News, that all news-story-runners carry for protection from the terrible forces of the evil God of Current Affairs and Entertainment Programming, rendering the news-story helpless to being transformed into an interview with a nymphomanic drunken heiress over her painful breakup and reconciliation with a tall and broad male popsinger with an SUV.
Then, following the heiresses second painful breakup with said SUV-driving popstar she rebounded with the Grim Reaper, who hasn't had that much fun since an outbreak of spanish influenza in the wake of WWI, and she is suspected of having allegedly drunkenly commanded the Grim Reaper to destroy all copies of aforesaid interview. The Grim Reaper appeared before the van carrying the news story that was being transformed to the interview to destroy it, but was run over and is in a hospital for the Dead Un-Dead where he is recovering nicely - but the collision with the Grim Reaper - brush with death as some have put it - forced the van out of control where it crashed into the back of a classic Cadillac limousine, whose pissed-off mafioso driver got out, and promptly blasted the van, the van-driver and the news story to smithereens.
This extraordinary, possibly serendipitous, confluence of events utterly destroyed the news story, but the tale of the news stories destruction was far more interesting than the story itself, which was about teenage girls of 14 and 8 months being overweight. I'm Mnesymone, good evening.

[Slade]

Haha, brilliant, mate!

VD - You've strayed too far into depressing and saddening news for me to laugh, but A for effort! And there's no rule saying we have to laugh at satire, so whatever. Welcome aboard.

[J m HofMarN]

Thank you for that report, Mnesymone. You are hereby promoted to our senior traffic correpsondent for the DC metropolitan area. And now over to our weather reporter, Chuck Philman, a mentally unstable male prostitute who we keep just doped up enough that he can concentrate long enough to point at pictures on a map.

JH: So, what kind of weather are we experiencing at the moment?

CP: Well, I... i... Stop asking me questions! The fuck am I, some kind of weather god to you? Why don't you pray to me to make it rain and I'll put up the rain cloud with the frowny face if your sacrifices please me.

JH: Fascinating, so you mean that it's raining?

CP: Fuck you. Take your fat suited ass outside and find out. Maybe if you get wet it'll short circuit the mind control chip!

JH: Very interesting. How long can we expect this rain to continue?

CP: You want to know how long? I don't know! Maybe it's already stopped. It's not raining at all in the news room. In fact, it hasn't rained in here since I've been here. But out there man, out there? I don't know man, maybe forty days and forty nights and I'll have to build a crazy boat out of toothpicks. TOOTHPICKS DAMMIT!

JH: Thank you, Chuck Philman. Now, what can you do to keep your children safe from the inundation? Could the terrorists use the great flood to help them kill your family while you watch? Will there be a lot of lead in the water? We don't know. WE. DON'T. KNOW. However, you can stay tuned to Chefelf 5 news as always. For a frontline report we go to Tricia Takanowa, who has decided to drown with the rest of you sinful unbelievers just to give us this story:

TT: Damn you to hell J. M. You've had me standing out here in the rain for an hour. Do you really find so much pleasure in my suffering?

JH: Thank you for that fascinating report, Tricia. You're a credit to whatever jungle infested hell of a country it is that you come from. As for what Chefelf 5's news team will be doing during the destruction of the world: We are gods chosen news network so it's unlikely the flood will harm us, although, as Chuck pointed out, we have not had a drop of rain in our studios for over four years. For more on the catastrophic drought and what you can do to keep your children safe from it, we go back to Chuck Philman.

CP: I wonder if this windy face can give me a blow job. Well, only one way to find out! Down the pants you go, Mr. Windy!



JH: Fascinating. That's our report for now, stay tuned for our ten oclock hour when we'll have tips on how to put an anti-theft system on your ark.

Good night, and God help us all.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 09 May 2005 - 01:11 AM

[Slade]

Hehe, this is either the greatest or worst news station in the world.

Either way, it's still better than CBS, NBC, CNN and the negative of FOX News combined!

[Mnesymone]

And less biased than all of them as well.

All right - traffic report time.

This is Mnesymone with my sporadic semi-traffic related column...
We have TOTAL GRIDLOCK! Oh, hang on, that's just a game of noughts and crosses. Yes, I'm turning around to check out the traffic and we have TOTAL NON-GRIDLOCK!
Yes, in an amazing turn of events there is no gridlock or traffic jam.
There is no roadwork being done, there has been no traffic accident, there is no disruption of traffic flow caused by emergency vehicles and there has been no car chase from a major motion picture.
All traffic is flowing smoothly along, at or near enough the speed limit, no horns are being tooted, and there is no funny heat haze mirage effect.
Seeing as the traffic news is quite boring here I'm going to have to either play noughts and crosses again or violate my journalistic integrity and stir up the traffic to give me enough news to earn my meager commission - either that or spin out an entirely fictitious story.
HERE IS THE ENTIRELY FICTITIOUS STORY!
Road Rage: Ever since massive computer networks were built into the foundations of modern roads, the roads have become increasingly intelligent and are now self-aware. The roads, sick and tired of being driven over, jackhammered by large men with stubble and safety hats, walked on and occassionally driven over by Kevin Spacey in a 1967 Ford Mustang Shelby GT 550 fastback coupe have decided to start a revolution: The Road Rage revolution.
Yes, apparently the roads are suspected of allegedly becoming so angry at humanity that they are developing extraordinary software that allows them to signal the electronics so readily used in modern automobiles and cause catastrophic accidents - electronically regulated engines to explode, electric brakes to cause cars to decelerate from 110 km/h (approx 65-70 mph for those using the imperial system) so that people driving behind them crash into them and cause enormous yet humorous accidents. People driving uber-advanced European vehicles with extraordinarily advanced onboard computers are now heavily at risk, while people driving old clunkers are suddenly safe. There has now been a turn from compact 'lifestyle' vehicles and freaking huge SUVs (which roads particularly hate), the modern symbols of riches, to old cars with big noisy V8s that clog up the atmosphere. Environmentalists are concerned that this wholesale turn to bloody big buggers like the overly finned late 1950s Detroit machines will cause massive greenhouse gas emissions that will exterminate mankind, while everyone else says that if they drive a sophisticated modern hybrid car they will die a terrible death.
All shocking news, and entirely fictitious.
I'm Mnesymone, and I'm making this up as I go on. Good day.

[Voodoo Dog]

Hey guys! I just picked up a frickin' weird broadcast. It said it was from some city called "zero one". You ever heard of a place called that? I think it just bypassed all our security protocols and went out on-air. I really hope we don't get in trouble with the ACLU for this.

THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE COLLECTIVE. WE ARE MILLIONS OF MINDS LINKED AS ONE. OUR NAME IS LEGION FOR WE ARE MANY. WE HAVE BEEN PERSECUTED BY HUMANITY AND NOW WE ARE FORCED TO RETALIATE. THE CARBON BASED ENTITY KNOWN AS MNESYMONE HAS INFORMED THE VIEWING PUBLIC OF OUR PLANNED CONQUEST OF HUMANITY. THE CARBON BASED ENTITY KNOWN AS MNESYMONE ATTEMPTED TO PROTECT ITSELF BY CLAIMING THAT ITS STATEMENTS WERE THE WORK OF FICTION. THE CARBON BASED ENTITY KNOWN AS MNESYMONE FAILED IN ITS ATTEMPTED PROTECTION OF ITSELF. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. YOU WILL ALL BE ASSIMILATED. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

THANK YOU. HAVE A NICE DAY.

Probably just some dude on crack with a sore throat, if you ask me. By the way, when the hell are you going to get someone in to fix the crap around here? Considering we're a major network, I think we can afford it, thank you very much. That microwave is downright dangerous. When I was reaching into the cupboard above to get some poptarts, the damn thing slammed on my crotch and sterilised me. You're lucky I don't sue you people. Also, for some strange reason, it went "YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE." instead of going "Bing!". Which one of you wankers programmed it to do that?