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Glamis, book 2 Part 2 of my satirical fantasy novel

#136 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 06 April 2005 - 08:35 PM

Ah thanks, I'm really glad you liked it. There are under twenty chapters to go now and the party will be splitting up soon. I'm glad you liked the gag with the running, it really gets to me that someone has to actually anounce "RUN!" when its the obvious thing to do in a situation, but theres just no way around it.

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#137 User is offline   Chyld Icon

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Posted 06 April 2005 - 09:15 PM

I like the idea of slovenly redneck elves. I don't know why, it might just be the unfamiliarity.

Is it alright if I keep cutting and pasting "good stuff! keep going!" after every chapter? As thus far, it'd be correct on absolutly every account...
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#138 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 06 April 2005 - 11:07 PM

Chylde- yeah I've always wanted to do some kind of off beat elves, with the high elves I took their stereotype to an extreme so I figured I'd reverse the wood elves stereotype. And sure, just try to alternate so I wont notice.

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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#139 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 07 April 2005 - 02:12 AM

So Richard Nixon can be summoned by anybody then? The horrors that will bring upon Landlandia would be terrible indeed.

Personally, I like to think of them as Australian Elves, rather then redneck elves. Possibly Bogan Elves. And the Godzilla/Clinton references were nearly as good as plugging the ozone layer with smog.
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#140 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 07 April 2005 - 06:38 PM

Chapter 47 The great tower of watch

We were passing through another forest (certainly not one inhabited by elves!) when we began to hear rustlings in the bushes. Suddenly stones and ropes began to fly and we were horribly knocked about. Meddeum was the last to fall.

When we awoke it was to find a great many forest creatures scampering about and we realized that we were thorougly tied up.

I awoke to see a great many small mammals crawling about. "Get off me you little bastards! What do you think you are, the rats of NIMH?" I demanded.

"Aaaaah there's liliputians everywhere! Help help! They're taking vengeance on me for the time I killed the cleric for being short!" Meddeum cried in terror as he woke up, his screams in turn waking Crotch.

"Ach laddy! It's Brian Jacques worst nightmare!" He cried in despair. Soon the rest of the party was woken.

"Hey now stop wrigglin about won't ya!" Said a mouse wearing a cloak

"You tied us up you bastard we're allowed to wiggle as much as we please!" Randylyl shot back angrily.

"We're only holding you because we suspect you of being spies for our enemies." Said the mouse as some badgers and squirrels and other such rodentry stared at us.

"Well somehow I don't think we are. Can you let us go?" I asked.

"Me not know how to spy!" Pinecone added on.

"Well that may be so, but we can't let you run free, you might stomp all over Mosswall!" Said the badger.

"Oh and when I get free just see if I don't stamp on every barrier and spore bearing plant I come in contact with!" Zorbilliam said wrathfully.

"Awww but how can you do that when we have such cute little baby animals about?" Asked a small gerbil, holding up a cute little baby gerbil.

"It's easy." Replied a new voice. "Because it's fun!" At these words the forest creatures seemed to panic as a horde of weasels and stoats and ferrets and rats and foxes and cats charged down upon them in an epic battle, during which we were freed and allowed to run off, not daring to look back upon the animalistic carnage behind us.

We stopped long enough to catch our breath but then were greeted with the sight of flames on a distant hill towards the sea. "If it's not one thing it's another!" Randylyl cried in exasperation. With that general sentiment we ran towards the flames.

When we reached the sight there was just a pile of ashes and a very smokey guard. "Hello." He said cheerily. "Welcome to the great tower of watch."

"This dosn't seem to be much of a great anything." Randylyl said suspiciously.

"Well it was once!" The guard said defensively. "It was the highest wooden tower ever built."

"Why would anyone build such a tower out of wood?" Asked Randylyl.

"So it can be burned, of course!" The be-sooted guard replied.

"Why would you want to burn the great tower of watch?" Our leader enquired.

"To signal that the trouble we've been watching for is on the way, of course." The guard said as if it should be obvious.

"Well what's to happen if there's more trouble? How will you watch for it now that you've burned down your tower hmmm?" Randylyl asked, growing impatient.

"I would imagine that any battle worth lighting the signal pire for would be the final battle so it won't be needed again anyhow." The guard said with a grin and Randylyl sighed.

"So the orcs have reached Tranden?" Meddeum asked.

"Yip. Several weeks ago actually." The guard said airily.

"Cool!" Meddeum cried happily. "Let's go look at the bodies!"

"Can I come along with you?" Asked the guard.

"No." We all replied.

"But I've got nowhere else to go..." He pouted and went off to sit amid the ashes of the signal pyre/tower.

"That's why you shouldn't take up residence in signal pyres." Said Zorbilliam sagely. "But at least he has done some good, we know to make for Tranden now."

"Well..." Thought Randylyl. "I suppose we should try to save the gnomes... But Robear and the Wanderer have to be stopped as well..."

"We must split up!" I declared. "Randylyl and myself will go to face Robear and the Wanderer. The rest of you must march into the west and gather an army to go to the aid of Tranden. It is likely that we may never meet again. In some cases it is very likely that we may never meet again." I looked pointedly at Gilliam. "But let it be said that this parting was well made. I have grown to see all of you as brothers. I hope that we may all return in victory and discuss the stories of our adventures."

I looked to Randylyl for further flowery parting speeches, but all he said was. "Bah, get a move on, something tells me we'll see eachother again so there's no reason for a big speech. Don't ravish anyone, keep your weapons sharp and your voices soft, and we'll all meet up in Illythia."

We all nodded and shook hands as we parted ways. Then I remembered I'd left one of my swords with Zorbilliam and I had to chase him down to get it back and it was really embarassing.. But then we parted ways for real.

( Authors note: Richard Nixon can only be summoned by those with pure evil in their hearts, or the designated villain. As such very few can perform this feat, and the spell components are the blood of a thousand virgins and one dog.)

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 07 April 2005 - 06:41 PM

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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#141 User is offline   Just your average movie goer Icon

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Posted 07 April 2005 - 07:41 PM

Jolly good show, old chap. I saw several nice little references in there, although I forgot the name of the film where "But I've got nowhere else to go..." comes from.

My favourite lines were

QUOTE
"In some cases it is very likely that we may never meet again." I looked pointedly at Gilliam.


and

QUOTE
"Bah, get a move on,"


Great stuff. smile.gif
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#142 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 07 April 2005 - 11:41 PM

Ahh, poor Gilliam. Always dissapointing the party. Interesting way to respond to the prior RN comment. I'd type more, but my finger appears to be bleeding.
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#143 User is offline   Rissa Icon

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Posted 08 April 2005 - 10:44 AM

Wow. I just read Book 1 and up to here in two sittings. This is way cool! I can't really think of any compliments that wouldn't look like I was copying and pasting off someone else, so... yeah. Glamis rules. Keep it up.
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#144 User is offline   Chyld Icon

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Posted 08 April 2005 - 11:41 AM

Ah! Redwall referencing! I read the first one of those when I was about 10, and never again because either I was lazy, or it was boring. Not sure which. And you do have to love the wooden tower burning. Burning! BURNING!!

...sorry, about a decade in the Scouts turned me into a pyromaniac...
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#145 User is offline   Slade Icon

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Posted 08 April 2005 - 04:24 PM

I thought that was Redwall! I just couldn't remember if Also, mucho mucho props for both Nimh and Gulliver's Travels! Liluputans. You could also say that it was an Earthbound reference, because there's a landmark called Liliput Steps... Either way, it has do do with little feet on little people.

Helena - Don't be such a Grumps McGurt! Tom Clancy has written the same novel 14 times, and he still gets #1 best sellers! And video games where he can create the same plot five or six more times! The trick is to sell out fast and put lots of useless highly detailed information into your book.

However, I am doing my best to edit Glamis, but I'll admit I don't know what the publishers are looking for, so I can't quite go at that angle unless I learn what they want and how to circumvent it. But I'm gonna edit the hell out of this book, bring up everything I can about it until it's as flaw free as I can make it.

JM - Did you give me the entire book 1 that you'd already gone over a few times? If not, please do some editing before I get the next one so I don't have as much work to do, and so I don't bring up complaints that you've fixed after I worked on it. Lets do lunch and talk about it.

This post has been edited by Slade: 08 April 2005 - 04:26 PM

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#146 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 09 April 2005 - 03:27 AM

Movie Goer- I'm glad you like it all, I really do aim to please though I've been a little slow getting them out recently due to work. Looking at my paper though I can see that we have ten to fifteen chapters remaining to be written before the effort is finished. It really is so cool writing and having all of you guys around. I don't deny that Glamis isn't entirely finished. I've tweaked the first threee chapters a lot and shifted some of Glamis' sarcastic comments to Randylyl.

But what really gets me is that all of you, everyone who's dropped a post here, has taken a very solitary occupation (I was holed up alone for almost the whole time I was writing my first novel) and made it an incredibly friendly and ingratiation thing. Glamis was about a journey, but writing it has been a journey as well, and all of you have been my party mates and friends on that journey. And, Movie Goer, if I were dragged into a chasm by a Balrog, you would be the ranger who I would ask to lead the party out to the light of day. Thanks, to all of you.

Sime- Look after your fingers, you're excused from posting for a while, but if you stay gone too long Chylde's name is going to go before yours in the credits haha.

Rissa- Hey it's superb to have a new reader, I'm very glad that you had the tenacity to read it all so quickly, but If I kept you in your seat for 24 chapters at a time I consider that to be the greatest compliment you could pay me.

Chylde- Yeah, both Brian Jacques and the first half of the chapter were for Redwall. I read several of his books but they were SO forumulaic.

Forest creatures have trouble.
Baby forrest creatures = cute.
Weasels and carnivorous animals= evil
quest ensues to end trouble.
trouble ended, carnivorous animals killed.
baby forrest creatures continue to = cute.

Slade- I thought it was rather obvious really, and I'm glad you got all three of those lit references all together, great job!

And yes, you have hte most current copy of book 1. I've only done work on books 2 and 3 lately and it now all conforms to my vision for the novel. Hmmmm shall we meet at Mortimer's or Jellyby's? on the lane?

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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Posted 09 April 2005 - 07:01 AM

Well, I'm glad we've all helped out. However, I think that we're all a pretty friendly bunch of people down here in the Screening Room.

I'd say this is the most down-to-earth forum from the NightLife Label...

Good company...

Good times.


QUOTE
And, Movie Goer, if I were dragged into a chasm by a Balrog, you would be the ranger who I would ask to lead the party out to the light of day.


Why thank you. I would do my best.
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#148 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 09 April 2005 - 07:08 AM

Chapter 48 The meeting with Shaftimus

"Why does this wall have to be so long?" Randylyl asked

"Because it's the great seaward wall. If it were shorter it wouldn't be great." I guessed.

"Well it sure didn't do much good against Robear." Randylyl said sarcasticly.

"I suppose they never counted on orcs being able to swim..." I thought outloud.

"I don't think the orcs counted upon it either. That Robear is awful crafty..." Randylyl said as we looked over the wall. The mountains stretched out as far as the eye could see but over them we could see a bright orange glow. It was the neon sign that hung above the fortress of evil that for some reason said "Live nudes".

"Ah what a dreadful place. Are we really going there?" I asked.

"Well I guess we have to. I still don't know why you'd go through all of this..." He said, looking at me thoughtfully. "At first I figured you were after the treasure like me, then I figured it might be for the ravishings, then I thought maybe it was just for the glory. But we've had all of those things and you just keep going, even to the doorstep of the evil fortress."

I thought on this for a moment before I responded. "Well of course I do. I mean it's not as if you can just quit or anything. Lots of guys have jobs and they don't quit just because they have a bad day. Well a bad day for me means being captured and tortured with pendulums and hourglasses and whips and dungeony stuff. But you have to keep pressing on just because it's what you love to do."

"Glamis." Randylyl began in an awed tone. "That was really profound. I guess it's sensible, even logical, just to take the good with the bad and accept whatever comes your way and try to have fun with it. It would be kind of silly to reject a whole lifestyle or a kind of story just because it seems silly to me. Maybe my lifestyle seems silly to others." Randylyl said the last bits more to himself..

"I don't know why anyone would consider you silly for being an adventurer. Why we're the oldest profession in the world, theres been adventurers since tuesday! If they did call you sillyyou could just ravish them and that'd shut them up." I replied with a smile.

"You... you think I'm an adventurer?" Randylyl asked in disbelief.

"Well you've been with us all this time havn't you? I definately think you're one of us!" I declared happily.

"Yeah, yeah I guess so. Sorry for all that nasty stuff I said, insanity and all that you know." Randylyl's voice had softened a bit, and I detected very little of the old madness in him. Perhaps he had ravished someone while I wasn't looking and that set him straight.

We were enjoying our friendly and camraderous moment when a dark skinned fellow in full armor approached and looked to us. "Hello there." He said cheerfully.

"I bet you're Shaftimus, the famous black adventurer!" Randylyl said in a half-playful manner. I was about to point out the fact that there are no black adventurers, because it's a staple of our world to be poor in the area of diversity. Just like how women are always treated either as objects or as saucy wenches who hate being objects. However the man replied before I could.

"Yup. That's me." He said. "Are you guys the Knights of the Old Rep..." I cut him off here.

"Now wait just one minute! There aren't any black adventurers! This is madness!" I cried.

"Well there sure is one!" He shot back angrily.

"Glamis, it's like we were saying earlier, just accept whatever comes your way and try to have fun with it right?" Randylyl chuckled as he offered the man his hand.

"Well you're a sensible guy. Hey I havn't met many people who are ok with integrating the old adventuring business, so I think I'll help you out. I can get you into Robear's fortress if you want." He said helpfully.

"That's actually precisely where we're going. We'd be glad for your help!" Randylyl grinned, though I still wasn't sure about breaking the rules of the genre.

"I'll meet you there." He said as he looked down south.

"You're going to try to cross the mountains?" I asked with a raised brow.

"Oh, oh what's that supposed to mean? What you think I'm going to cross the mountains with my increased physical prowess that I get from being black? I guess next you'll want me to dribble a basketball while I do it huh?" He said in a tone of indignation. I quailed back in fear of a law suit.

"Sorry man just messing with you. It's one of my powers and all." He grinned mischieviously as Randylyl chuckled.

"So you're not offended or anything and you'll still help us?" I said hopefully.

"Offended? You guys have been making fun of yourselves for fifty chapters, I'd be offended if you were the only ones who got to act like idiots!" He laughed as he spoke, and we all shook hands.

"Do you have any advice as to where we should go after we part?" Randylyl asked.

Shaftimus thought for a moment and then replied. "Yeah. There's rumoured to be a hidden city somewhere northeast of here. You could try to find that and by some sequence of unlikely and contrived events we could meet at the evil fortress at the exact same time after you've visited every other possible location on the map and you'd arrive just in time for me to get you in so you can thwart Robear.". I liked the plan.

Randylyl was about to say something when he just shrugged a bit. "What the hell. We'll see you at the evil fortress. We all nodded and Randylyl and I started North while our friend headed South.

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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Posted 09 April 2005 - 07:17 AM

Yeah, I enjoyed that, mate. There does need to be a bit more diversity in the fantasy genre, doesn't there?
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#150 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 09 April 2005 - 12:05 PM

QUOTE
...map and you'd arrive just in time for me to get you in so you can thwart Robear.". I liked the plan.

I loved that bit. Just reminding us where Glamis stands in the world. And its good to see Randylyl finally coming around. It really is.

Was this a stab at white adventurers in general, or a bit of a joke about Drizz'le(sp?)as well? What with them assuming he was Shaftimus just because he was black.
Oh, and the Shaft reference was good, but the joke about Barends LotR's was even better. Sure, noboy else will get it when they read the novel, but we all know its great.

QUOTE
But what really gets me is that all of you, everyone who's dropped a post here, has taken a very solitary occupation (I was holed up alone for almost the whole time I was writing my first novel) and made it an incredibly friendly and ingratiation thing. Glamis was about a journey, but writing it has been a journey as well, and all of you have been my party mates and friends on that journey.

Thats really touching to hear. Although I may not come here first, the Screening Room is my favourite forum on the site. A brilliant atmosphere and excellent tales to join it. Lead on, JM!
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