[J m HofMarN]

Chapter 28: : That dirty guy and the fellow who threw fruit

THROSH!

That is the sound a watermelon makes when it's been lobbed through the hull of a ship. Don't believe me? Try it.

THROSH! Went another watermelon. Surly Wanderer looked on and smiled darkly.

"I've nearly used up all my spells for the day but I have a few apples left for any guards who get in our way." Said Phil.

SW nodded and moved down the corridor, shooting down anyone who got in his way while Phil killed anyone who didn't get in his way.

"So are we killing everyone or just a few people or just anyone we don't like? What exactly is our policy on that?" Phil enquired curiously.

"I don't really care. We just need to kill enough people so that we look evil, but not so many that we sink with the ship. Speaking of which stop ravaging them, that's unnecessary." SW said crossly.

"Sorry my lord, just I wanted to be thorough is all." Phil looked guilty as he pulled up his robes and they went up to the deck.

They surveyed the deck after killing the last watchman and began to decide which lifeboats to take. "I'll take this one for myself and that one will be yours, and this one will be for my luggage. That leaves one." SW said.

"Are we going to leave it for the crew and passengers?" Phil asked incredulously.

"No. That would be unsafe. We'll take it as a spare." SW cackled and they cut the ropes, sending all of the ship's lifeboats splashing into the water. They paddled away with their little fleet as the ship sank into the water and began to talk.

"Don't you figure we should have left some way for the pawns to survive? I mean we do kind of need them right?" Phil asked, showing his inexperiance.

"Of course we do, they're a necessity. Even without the life boats they'll do fine. Shore's only a ways off anyhow and they're adventurers, they always survive." SW explained.

"That's true... but then again they're idiots..." Phil quipped.

"Et tu, Brute." SW said with a chuckle.

"Etufee? No thanks I don't like French food." The wizard retorted. SW just shook his head and began to row.

"Why don't you explain our evil plan so we can have a bit of exposition?" SW asked.

"But you're the leader, that's your job!" Pouted Phil.

"I already explained it to you before you agreed to become my minion so now its your turn." SW said.

"But I don't want to!" Protested the wizard.

"Well what else are we supposed to do?" Asked SW.

"Oh very well!" Grumbled Phil. "We're going to put bombs in various buildings and then make them solve riddles while I speak in a fake German accent."

SW frowned.

"Or we could plant a bomb on a carriage and make them not solve riddles and just drive really fast."

"That's been done..." SW said, growing tired.

"Or we could plant a bomb on a boat and make them run around like idiots."

"That's just a crappy derivative of the last plan you suggested... Wait... That's not our blueprints at all that's just an old guide to some plays that are showing in Idiom. Damn you!"

The great wizard of god-like power had to paddle fiercely to escape a thrashing, and so the audience was left without the proper exposition.

[SimeSublime]

So what did we get there? Speed, Speed 2 and Die Hard 3? And I liked the "...while Phil killed anybody who didn't get in his way." line.

[Chyld]

Ooh! Plot twistulations! And melons going through hulls! It makes you wonde where the word "Hull" came from, for no discernable reason. Another good show!

[Slade]

Hehe, brilliant! I never saw them turning out to be evil. Chyld, it's because when a ships's Hull has a hole in it, it becomes cold due to the ocean getting in.

I guess Surly Wanderer has realized that Phil has no more magic than a dead fish. And the quote from Ceasar was excellent because it was first misused and then misinterpreted, making them both idiots! Huzzah as usual, JM.

[SimeSublime]

I should also like to add that I love the title for this chapter.

[J m HofMarN]

Chapter 29: The great city of Idiom

We arrived in Idiom after wandering around the outskirts of town fighting monsters to level up. We went to the inn and it instantly became night time.

Randylyl, who had gone to sleep missing his left eyeball after a harpy attack during our uneventful walk to the city, woke up just fine and a little bit surprised.

"How did my eye grow back over night?" He asked.

"Because we stayed at an inn." I replied simply.

"So just being in an inn made all our wounds heal up instantly no matter how severe or permanent?" He asked disbelievingly.

"Yep. Look at new arm!" Cried Pinecone gleefully as he stretched out a burly and well tanned arm where formerly there had been just a stump.

"So just by standing inside an inn we can heal completely in eight hours?" Asked our leader.

"Well, no, you have to pay them and then you have to go to sleep. I imagine that there are magical fairies at every inn and when they get a significant amount of gold they bestow their healing abilities on the sleeping occupants." Gilliam theorised.

"So how come its the same rate no matter whether you're half dead or not?" Randylyl enquired.

"Well, Yes." I said. "Wow, inn keepers must make a killing. That would also account for why we never see any hospitals as well. I think they also automatically empty your bowels and bladder since we never seem to run across bathrooms."

"Ok. First rule of Fight Club: Don't talk about fairies emptying my bowels during the night." Randylyl said authoritatively.

"I thought we were The League of Human Dignity..." Zorbilliam pointed out.

"No, we're the fight club now. It's a lot shorter and it won't get us sued by any disabled rights groups." Randylyl stated with finality.

We soon sallied forth into the city, and were amazed by what we found. It was full of complete idiots, especially in contrast to the mad intellectuals of Logikas. The biggest idiots in the city often went on stage to talk to other idiots about how crazy and stupid they were while an audience sat before them and stared, occasionally making stupid comments.

Every single shop sold the exact same weapons and armor at the exact same prices, and yet there were several different shops.

"Ummm... lets go back to the inn." Randylyl said.

"But we need to go see the king to get whatever silly thing it is he has to give us!" Crotch protested.

"Yes... but I stubbed my toe and need to heal."

A few minutes and one healing potion later the five of us were dragging our writing and angry leader through the courts of the Idiomian palace.

We came to the throne room after having to make two appointments, the second being necessary since the secretary forgot about the first one.

We walked up a hallway that had been built in a zig zagging fashion and finally entered the kings chambers.

"Hello" Called the king. "I am king Telethar. I'm told you're the latest group of cannonfodd.d...daring brave heroes who have come to visit my kingdom.

We agreed that this was surely true, though Randylyl looked upon this man with great distrust for some reason.

"I need you to go and do some busy work for me. Take this crazy guy in purple armor with you for no reason!" The king said as a burly fellow with short light brown hair popped up, wearing blazing purple armor and illiciting a cry from all of us except Randylyl.

"MEDDEUM!" We all yelled to the legendary hero.

"Is it true you once pole vaulted using a spear you were impaled on to get a boost for an attack?" Enquired Zorbilliam.

"Is there a reason why you wear purple laddy?" Asked Crotch suggestively.

"Did you really attack a dragon's toe because you couldnt reach any of its vital parts?" I asked, eager to hear the lore of the greatest swordsman ever.

"Did you really eat the toe of one of the dark gods on a dare for five gold pieces?" Asked Gilliam.

"You have big sword!" Cried Pinecone.

"Yes, no, yes and I killed it too, yes but I never got the money and yes, yes I certainly do."

Randylyl looked at Telethar and Telethar looked at Randylyl and while we were sitting before Meddeum and listening to his battle stories they had their chat, which was complicated and authoritative as chats between leaders tend to be.

"You're not from around here are you?" Asked Telethar.

"Touche." Replied Randylyl.

"What's your story?" Asked the king.

"Exiled from Logikas for hanging out with these guys. I can only go back when I get some random item from this kingdom. You?" Randylyl answered.

"I came here to end a great plague of idiocy that had been cast upon this land by an evil wizard. Failing that I just try to keep the people from poking eachother in the eye too often. I was going to send you on a lame and pointless quest but now that I know where you're from I have a better idea. The temple of evil isn't far from here and I need some adventurers to go there and do a job for me. If you can take care of it I'll give you something to prove that you've been here."

They discussed their plan and then Randylyl asked why the king had sent Meddeum with us.

"Do you really think I want him hanging around here?" The king asked with a raised brow.

[SimeSublime]

I loved the purple armour quote. Who wears purple armour anyway?

[J m HofMarN]

My friend's character, Meddeum. Who, by the way, did everything mentioned of him. I'm using Meddeum as the ultimate obscure reference since only four people know of him. And thanks for reading by the way.

[Chyld]

You do have to wonder about the whole thing with inns, though. I personally think its nanites. Another good show.

[Slade]

Hehe, those are the best kinds of obscure references! And it's nice that the king didn't fall prey to the curse of the wizard, too. Huzzah, another entertaining chapter, keep writing or I'll have the gnomes break your shins!

[J m HofMarN]

I was in the bathroom today, the location where most brilliant thoughts occur, when I came to a realization. Glamis is, as of this moment, turning thirty. I'm working on CH30 right now. This book was vaguely slated to end after about 40 real chapters. Considering that, I realized that I would have only ten more chapters to complete Glamis' entire quest. Therefore it looks to me like Glamis is going to run for around twenty more chapters at least.

Anyhow, someone who worked at Hoffman productions ltd recently leaked details of CH30 so, now that I've had that person killed, I'm going to release the details anyhow.

CH 30 is tittled "RE: sexy photos of ancient evil."

And, I can indeed confirm that one of the characters says something stupid in this chapter.

I bet that gets the rumor mills churning!

[SimeSublime]

Your PR company are the Gods themselves, man.

[J m HofMarN]

Chapter 30 RE: sexy photos of ancient evil: This chapter was edited by Chramis the great, son of Glamis

We set sail with a very small crew. Many of the sailors, even despite their inherent stupidity, refused to approach the evil island. They said they'd rather sail into the mouth of hell. Meddeum assured them that the mouth of hell was far worse because hell rarely uses mouthwash, and that he'd been in the mouth of hell once or twice.

The sailors who stayed behind agreed to wait for us to get off the island and drop off the supplies that the king had send with us. They did this only in return for Meddeum's autograph.

We reached the island of the temple of evil around noon time(1) and disembarked, dragging along several heavy packs. We made our way to the temple of evil(2), a great gaping door barred the way and a sign was posted on it. "RE: Sexy photos of ancient evil, open attached door for more" Crotch peered at it.

"Let's open it!" He yelled enthusiasticly.

"You should never open attachments on unsolicited temples of evil." Replied Randylyl.

As Randylyl spoke these words the door crept open, perhaps for the first time in hundreds of years, dislodging a great deal of plant life.(3)

We stood for a moment unsure of what to do as Randylyl gaped in horror. Suddenly a cry came from Meddeum.

"Charge!" He yelled, and we all followed. Before our leader could stop us we were in the temple.

"Charge!"(4) Meddeum yelled again as he began to slash at anything breakfable with his sword. We all smashed every pot we could find to get health for the battle with the ancient evil. Crotch defiled an altar.(5) And Pinecone started attempting to read from every book he could find in the place.

Randylyl finally yelled at us all to get out because he had a fool proof plan to draw out the ancient evil.(6) We reluctantly set down our spell books. "Awww but I like meddling in things men weren't meant to tamper with..." I protested as we left.

Randylyl was the last to leave, and on his way out he heard a voice.(7) "Don't leave. I've been here since last tuesday. It's really boring and I'm running out of gummi bears." Randylyl replied scornfully. "We'll release you in due time. The king has told me that your name is and we shall do a ritual to summon you and then have a really fun battle." The evil deity was pleased at this as we began to unpack and mix the necessary things for the ritual."Good, after that lets have some wine and be friends!"(8) Yelled the deity.

We prepared the foul and gooey liquid and set down a foundation of it. "This beings name is Joe. Joe the ancient evil. The Idiomian priests(9) unholied these stones so we could use them as sacrifices to him. Plop one on and then spread the goo over it while chanting the praises of
Joe." Thus did Randylyl command us, and so we did obey.

We chanted the praises of joe as we heaped up unholy rocks and foul goo in a great monument to him. When the monument nearly covered the door we stood back and let Randylyl put on the final sacrificial rock.

"Are we still going to drink that amontillado?" Came a muffled voice from within the temple.

"Yes, Joe, the amontillado... You dumb son of a bitch." Was Randylyl's reply as he put the last rock in place.

"Hey, isn't it funny how the sacrificial monument looks an awful lot like a wall?" Remarked Zorbilliam.(10)

We all agreed that it looked very much like a wall and asked Randylyl how it would work.(11)

"Well you see, all you have to do is just the mortar dry for a while and then the ancient evil will come out and I can hunt for him and kill him singlehandedly.(12) But it has to be done alone or else it won't work.

We all marveled at our leaders courage and congratulated him before returning to the ship and starting back for Idiom.

(notes)

(1) In an alternate text it says that they arrived shortly after lunch time. In one version of the story I found ketchup was spilled on this passage and could not read it.

(2) The temple of evil, by a map I found in my father's underwear drawer, is located just east of the beach near a bunch of juniper bushes. According to the map all the land to the north of the temple but west of the pirates hideout is called "Flavor country"

(3) Some of these plants might have included squeirean, a plant closely related to ivy, and telmerfle, a plant similiar to our irises. It is not known whether the red flowered varieties of telmerfle grew on the island of the temple of evil, but some texts lead us to believe that they did indeed. These texts date back to about 20 weeks after the world began, when my father was drunk and drawing some meaningless squiggles and heiroglyphs on a piece of toilet paper. When translated it reads "As Randylyl spoke these words the door crept open, perhaps for the first time in hundreds of years, dislodging some red flowered telmerfle and quiereon"(3.1)

(3.1) Quiereon was an alternate spelling of squeirean employed in some early versions of the narrative dating back to nineteen weeks and seven days.

(4) Meddeum's second yelling of the word charge is only refered to in the final version.

(5) A guy once told me that my father meant to say that Crotch peed on the altar. However some believe that given his dwarvish stature he might have just humped the altar. It is not known which my father meant to set down in the final text and so the debate rages on. I have simply used the word defiled as it was provided in a version that was translated to french and then translated back to english.

(6) I edited this all by myself!

(7) A marginal note to the text states "Always Joe sought the face of Randylyl."

(8) In another version Joe offers "Good, after that lets drink Amontillado and throw rocks at eachother."

(9) The Idiomian priests accidentally unholied the rocks during an accident involving a hen, some monkey sperm, and an attempt to create flying monkeys. The rocks were meant to weight them down.

(10) Would Zorbilliam ever own a dog? Howabout a cocker spaniel? They are a savage breed.

(11) Yes!

(12) An alternate text has Randylyl giving a lengthy speech about the persecution of Japanese Americans during world war two.

[J m HofMarN]

This chapter includes references to an Edgar Allen Poe story, my favorite piece of fiction on L&E, spam mail, and The Book of Unfinished tales. Thank you guys so much for reading and please do reply. I don't know if some of you will get the main joke of this chapter but for those that do (probably only Barend and a few others)

For the rest of you, I need cartoonists for a secret project. It may involve payment.

[barend]

ah,,, that chapter took me down a bumpy ride through memory white water rapids....

ye olde footnotes (ala unfinished tales), an obscure satirical observation if ever there was one, my estute friend.

bloody chris tokien... 41 footnotes in a three page chapter!!!

good show!