[SimeSublime]

It's hard to find good peasants these days. It really is.

My favourite:

Randylyl said, trying to cover the fact that we were here to overthrow and murder their leader.

"What brings you here?" He asked.

"We're here to overthrow and murder your leader." I said

And of course the Dragon had to be red

[Slade]

The punch line to that chapter was great. But what was the deal with SW? Did he walk by, and then the dragon just happened to be behind him, and he didn't notice Randylyl and Glamis?

[J m HofMarN]

Ah JYAMG, you're always the first to post. Makes me wonder how I ever got on while you were away. I'm really glad you liked it. I nearly burned myself out trying to fix my internet and doing those three news stories, but I pushed a bit and I'm glad this chapter was worth it.

Yeah I'd almost completely forgotten to do something with "a little too quiet" I'm very glad you liked it, I know some of the previous chapters were kind of lacking.

Chyld- I am currently basking if you hadn't noticed, thanks for your great comments. The peasants by the way are kind of communists, as we'll see later on.

Sime- Ah, it's great to know I wrote a winning chapter. There's going to be more like this as I start to use up all the jokes I reserved for the end.

Slade- They were on the vertical line of a T SW passed by on the horizontal line going towards the left. Randylyl and Glamis were hiding behind some barrels on the corner. When SW had passed by the road they were on they came out to follow and attack him, but the dragon had landed between them and SW and blocked their path. SW, by the way, was heading Northwest towards the evil fortress. Hope that clears it up.

[J m HofMarN]

Chapter 52 Meddeum takes the lead

While I was hurtling through the air Meddeum and the rest of the party were busy cutting a swath of destruction over the mainland. In true warrior fashion he led the others in ravishing every woman they came across and smashing everything that could possible contain items.

The five brave souls had been wondering aimlessly for a while until they came to a windy hill dotted with wind mills.

"Hey Meddeum, I'll give you five gold pieces if you charge those windmills." Zorbilliam offered.

"I'm not stupid!" Meddeum replied with a roll of his eyes.

"Come on, they might be giants laddy!" Crotch said coercively.

"They worship the dark gods!" Gilliam added.

"HEY!" Meddeum cried in indignation. "I may seem like a complete idiot whos only use is taking and dealing out hits, but I have a heart you know! Just because I'm an adventurer dosn't mean you can't hurt my feelings! I still have my dignity! You bastards act like I'm dumb enough to just randomly assault anything that moves!" Meddeum glared at them all with an injured look on his face.

"But they said your armor was gay." Zorbilliam said, barely hiding a grin.

"CHAAAAAAAARGE!" Meddeum cried. The others watched on, expecting to see him knocked over by the sails on the windmill. Instead scraps of fabric and wood began to fly at them. They got rather worried when chunks of stone started falling from the massive dust cloud created by Meddeum's assault.

When the dust cleared the windmill had been reduced to rubble and a man sat in the remains trying to pull up his pants, having apparently been using the bathroom when the attack began. "The hell did you do that for?" The stranger demanded.

"It needed killing!" Meddeum returned.

"No it didn't it was a fine windmill!" The man yelled back.

"Well if it didnt want to die it shouldn't have worshipped the dark gods." Meddeum said matter of factly.

"And called your armor gay." Zorbilliam added.

"Bloody adventurers!" The man cursed as he stormed off.

"Hmmm I wonder where he thinks he's going..." Meddeum mused before pointing to Pinecone. "Kill!" He commanded. Pinecone drew his bow and fumbled for an arrow for ten minutes before finally trying to fire one and ending up punching Gilliam in the face.

"Speaking of wondering where people are going, shouldn't we be going somewhere?" Zorbilliam asked as he helped to steady Gilliam.

"I have a vague recollection of helping some gnomes." Meddeum said as if he weren't all clear on it.

"Maybe we should head to Tranden then." Gilliam suggested as he put the corner of his cloak up one nostril to stop the bleeding.

"Nope. We have to use common sense here, and common sense is why I'm the leader. We'll go to the warrior village to recruit an army so we can fight Robear's forces. I'm sure we'll get there in time, we've only spent a few weeks wandering aimlessly. Come on!" He yelled encouragingly and the party followed. The journey was uneventful until they reached the warrior village.

"We're raising an army to fight the orcs. Join us, for glory!" Meddeum offered. The people just shook their heads. He looked around disaprovingly and tried again.

"We must ride to the aid of Tranden, to save the gnomes!" His inspirational offer fell on deaf ears as the people went about tie dying things and knitting flowers into headbands.

Meddeum looked around and conferred in whispers with the rest of the party before making his third and final attempt.

"Robear plans to outlaw marijuana!" He cried. A hush went over the people gathered nearby. Before long they had put the tie dyed clothing down and picked up molotov cocktails, rocks, and black banners. Meddeum smirked in victory and lead his horde of enraged hippies west towards the sea.

[Icey]

Ooooh, brilliant!!! Finally read the whole thing and it ends with my favorite paradox of all! Enraged hippies!

But over the course of all the chapters, the part I loved the most was the trial. The trial made me laugh like no other piece of literature that is not connected to Douglas Adams, Terry Pratchett and Gaiman has done. Brilliant stuff JM, brilliant!

[Just your average movie goer]

Poor Medeum... although I must admit, it was highly amusing with the gang tricking him into attacking a windmill.

Thanks, mate. I enjoyed that chapter. It was also good to give the secondary characters some time in the spotlight.

Good fun, as it always is.

[Slade]

Hehe, Don Quixote and taking away the marijuana. NEVER mess with an enraged hippie... Yay for the warrior village coming back into play, and having Pinecone punch Gilliam while trying to fire an arrow was most excellent. Top notch.

[Chyld]

Well, that windmill battering had me giggling like an itchy bear cub again.

[SimeSublime]

I liked the windmill attack, but the punching of Gilliam was by far the best. Had a good laugh at that. Being stupid enough to return to the warrior village to recruit fighters brought a smile to my face as well.

[J m HofMarN]

Movie Goer- The secondary characters have two chapters left in the entire book, so I gotta make them count. We're getting very close to the end, in fact the final battle with Robear is today's chapter.

Slade- Its really great to know I'm still in good form I was really worried I'd hit a slump.

Chylde- I didn't know itchy bear cubs giggled, but I'm glad you liked it.

Sime- Yeah Pinecone isnt too skilled with his shooting you see. And thats one of the funny things, Meddeums actions could be considered stupid, or it could just be that he hates the gnones and is in no hurry to help them.

[J m HofMarN]

Chapter 53 The final confrontation with Robear

The dragon was hurtling through the air at unnecessarily high speeds as I struggled to hang on. I finally devised a cunning rouse to get the dragon's attention, even though I was on it's back and it couldnt have defended anyhow.

"Look over there! Wealthy land owners are controling funds!" I cried.

"Where? Where?" The dragon asked.

"Here!" I cried as I steadied myself and stabbed deep under the scales in his back.

"There's no wealthy land own... Oh, I see. Down I go then." The dragon said as it began to spiral down towards the earth. I hung on for dear life and finally the ground stopped coming towards me with a resounding splat.

I exited my impromptu parachute/landing pad and beat up a generic guard. Once he was good and unconsious I stole his clothes. With my newfound disguise I snuck around Robear's fortress looking for a chance to cause some havoc. However what I found near the gates on a post was much more interesting. It was a flyer saying something about challenging me to a contest of some sort, likely archery. I immediately unveiled myself and called out a challenge to Robear. The lord of all that is indecent soon appeared with an amused look on his face.

"You're more cunning than I could have dreamed. Not only did you have the guts to come to face me alone, but you realized that my dragon friend here would immediately fly to the fortress if there was trouble. You even did the old stealing a guards clothes thing and still managed to be just in time for my contest." He stated, clearly impressed.

"Yes, yes that's exactly what my plan was." I replied confidently.

"I was worried none of you could read but I put up the flyers all over anyhow. So I've lured you in. Well then, let's go to the fair grounds." He offered.

"So I suppose you put out the offer of an archery contest hoping to draw me out?" I asked as I followed him.

"Well, sort of..." He said as attendants came and handed each of us a large slurpy. I shrugged and began to drink as we approached the line. I found it odd that the targets were on the ground nearby. The stands instantly filled to watch the epic battle. I saw the princess on Robear's side, no doubt under heavy guard. The anouncer piped up and interupted my planning to rescue her.

"Alright, you all know the rules. Each contestant stands on the line and whoever pisses further wins the pissing contest."

"The what???!" I demanded indignantly.

"Pissing contest." The announcer repeated.

"I'm not competing in any stupid pissing contest!" I yelled.

"Well if you don't think you can beat me..." Robear said condescendingly.

"Draw, varmint!" I yelled, as I finished my slurpy and opened fire.

The crowd stared in quiet awe. Try as I might I couldn't seem to shoot further than Robear. Finally it was over. "Damn you! My slurpy was only half full! Cheater!" I cried. But it was too late, for I was soon dragged off to the dungeon of unspeakable horrors. There I was greeted by the evil torturer.

"Hello Glamis, I'll be your tormentor today." He said as I was chained to a wall.

"Heya." I replied, not wanting to be unfriendly despite the circumstances.

"If you hadn't noticed we just equiped our dungeon. Robear will be in to gloat over you soon but for now let me show you the cool stuff we've got." He said proudly before pointing to a pendulum.

"That's a pendulum, it swings and stuff. Very scary." He said in a hushed tone, as if he didnt want to awaken its ire. Next he pointed to an hour glass. "And this is an hour glass, it has sand in it and is very suspensful. Oh and here theres a ummm bed looking thing with some ropes on it. And over there are some cages with bones in them, but they came with the place, and this is a whip, I use it to make cracking sounds!" He said happily as he snapped it.

I leveled my gaze on him for a moment. "You have no idea how any of this stuff works do you?"

"No..." He said bashfully. "I'm really just an advisor. But if you could moan a lot I'm sure Robear would give me my old job back." He said with a bit of hope in his eyes.

"I'll see what I can do..." I replied.

Robear soon appeared to revel in his victory over me. Said he:

"You made a good effort. I'm just glad we can put all this behind us."

"Damn you and your gloating Robear!" I cried.

"Well if thats how you're going to be you can stay down here til you cool off!" He replied cooly.

"Bah this isn't how you're supposed to treat me anyhow! Aren't you obligated to feed me, give me a uniform, and then leave me in an easily escapable trap?" I asked.

"I think that rule only apllies to spies." The inept torturer pointed out.

"Damn." I muttered. Robear breezed out of the dungeon, no doubt to go ravish the princess, and I was left to pretend to be miserable so the poor torturer wouldn't get fired.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 15 April 2005 - 05:03 AM

[Icey]

I can't but feel sorry for the poor Advisor/Torturer, has no idea how to do his job, but tries his best without achievement. And the pissing contest: Brilliant, how cunning of Robear to only give him half a slurpy. The cunning cunning Communist fiend.

[Helena]

Sorry for the lack of comments recently - now that I'm back in Germany I don't get all that much time for web-surfing. Suffice it to say that the new chapters are great, as always...

[SimeSublime]

That poor princess, being ravished by Robear. It just isn't right

[J m HofMarN]

Icey- yeah, I find that most torturers in fantasy movies are pretty much like that, but its funny even without the piss take. And Robears cunning will soon have to directly deal with Glamis and his army.

Helena- Very glad to see you're still reading, and I hope Germany is treating you well. You hear that, Germany? Don't make me come over there!

Sime- Nope, not right at all.