[J m HofMarN]

Chapter 49 The hidden city

"I think that's the hidden city!" I said as we moved over an open plain towards a high town.

"It couldn't be, it was too easy to find." Randylyl said matter of factly.

"For us it was, but not for just anyone!" I stated proudly.

"There have been signs for the past ten miles pointing in the direction of the hidden city..." Randylyl muttered.

"Those were to mislead the ignorant." I replied with a sense of certainty.

"You couldn't mislead anyone, it's right infront of us in the open just about in the middle of the continent!" Randylyl shot back heatedly.

"Exactly! It's so well hidden that they can afford not to even hide it at all!" I spoke with satisfaction in my voice and Randylyl just shook his head and chuckled as we approached the gates and knocked.

"Not nobody gets in to see the wizard not nobody not no how." Said a small gnomish gentleman as he slid open a small peep hole in the great doors.

"Oh I'm sorry, we wanted the hidden city, not Muthos." I apologized and then turned to leave.

"Hold on a second." Randylyl said. "They're faking it, Muthos looked way different remember?"

I looked to him and thought about it before nodding. Just as I did the thick doors creeped open and we were ushered into the city. "You have proven worthy of entering. May your stay be a peaceful one and your first child be a masculine child."

"We're just friends thanks." Randylyl said with a raised brow.

Meanwhile, in the city's rulers office:

"Our treasurey is empty, and granary stocks are dwindling my liege." An advisor said mournfully.

"Well we've survived this long by letting people 'discover' our 'hidden' city and then buy tons of souvenirs to prove that they've been here, I don't see why our economy can't survive on what's propped it up since tuesday."

"Times aren't like they were then. There's a lot going on in the world and people just don't have time to go and wander in search of hidden cities, and I think everyone in the world has been here already and been told that they're the first person to pass through our walls, so the originality is wearing off. We need publicity. Maybe you could ravish someone." The advisor suggested helpfully.

"No, what we need is a war, a really good excuse to leave our hiding and make ourselves known. Just as he said this a breathless attendant ran in.

"My lord! There are two adventurers here demanding your aid in a battle for the fate of the world. I tried to tell them we had a very tiny military given to the fact that we're a hidden city but then one of them threatened to ravish me so I promised I'd come and tell you that they want to see you." She said in a hurried voice.

The king just grinned to his advisor. "Show them in. We shall go forth from our walls in the name of this worthy quest (whatever it happens to be) and it may be that we go forth for the last time. But do show them in, for we shall aid them." He nodded solemnly and the attendant turned, only to be stopped as the king added a further order.

"Oh, and see if you can sell them any of the 'I found the hidden city and all I got was this lousy T shirt' shirts." He said with mirth.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 10 April 2005 - 03:27 AM

[SimeSublime]

I hate those shirts, they were never funny to begin with. I don't see the point of there always being a Hidden City, and like you pointed out, its usually not even hidden very well. And no satire is complete without a Wizard of Oz reference.

[Just your average movie goer]

What are you talking about? Everyone loves hidden cities!

Yes, it's good to be back in the Screening Room after talking to some of the idiots in the Star Wars forum. I don't know how you do it* **, JM.

* Argue with those idiots on such a regular basis without smashing your computer.

** Continue to produce such good entertainment here in the Screening Room, day in, day out.


Also, I loved the "We're just friends." line.

[Slade]

Cheers for Live Nudes, Wizard of Oz, and Randylyl is finally losing his senses, or coming to them... A strange turn of events.

[J m HofMarN]

Sime - Tolkien started the whole hidden city thing with Gondolin, which was a bad-ass place. Glad you liked the wizard of Oz reference. I think if I ever do get published I'm going to get a world record for being sued by the most people. Luckily I intend to cite them in an index of references and it'll probably be just free advertising, so hopefully I'll get by. Hopefully. If not, learn how to bake a saw into a cake bloody quick.

Movie Goer- Ah it's nothing really, there are only two people I really dislike in the SW forums and Civilian is somewhere inbetween. But the people who act like twats are great to laugh at, and everyone else there is great to laugh with. As for the stuff here, a lot of my work dosnt even go here. The poetry I write is scattered around my room in various piles, and even then I still consider myself lazy in some way.

Slade - Randylyl's been metamorphosing since the trial in Logikas, where have you been? I'm not sure what the end will be fore him, but it'll be interesting to find out!

Everyone: I miscalculated. There are probably around fifteen to twenty chapters remaining, not ten as I originally thought. These won't just be filler and I had been planning on them. I needed to make a few references that I cant do without expanding the plot, but the climax is still coming up soon.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 11 April 2005 - 06:07 AM

[J m HofMarN]

Chapter 50 The floating fortress

In no time we had secured the aid of the kings army and passage to the floating fortress, from which we could reach Carmalon. Not only that, but the king showed me a ton of really cool souvenirs I could buy so I could show everyone we'd found the hidden city. I was dragging them onto the ship as Randylyl and I talked.

"Don't you consider it odd that the king gave us his whole army without even knowing what we're fighting for?" Randylyl asked curiously as he watched me try to heft the large sack on board.

"Well this is the final battle and all. Everyone's sending an army probably." I replied.

"Well if noone knows whats going on and they're just doing it because its what's expected how are people going to know who to kill?" He enquired with a hint of mirth.

"They just will!" I cried defensively, finally shoulderbutting the massive bag full of souvenirs onto the deck, accidently crushing a gnome as I did so. I hopped aboard and the ship set sail for the floating fortress. We got lost and had a really nifty battle with a whirlpool and some kind of weird tentacle monster that ate half our crew, but other than that the trip was pretty uneventful.

We arrived at the floating fortress and were astounded at its vast size. There were great battlements everywhere and it seemed like a city made of boats, only taller and more majestic.

"What the hell keeps this place afloat?" Randylyl asked to himself.

"Special tubes underneath filled with suspension of disbelief and a small amount of air, but mostly the first one." Replied the lord of the fortress as he approached to welcome us.

Randylyl blinked and the fortress lurched down, seemingly under his weight.

"Oh man... Don't tell me you're doubting the fortress' ability to float.." The lord said.

"I'm not!" I replied cheerfully as all eyes turned to Randylyl.

"Don't tell me you don't have any faith left in the ways of our world! Every time you fail to suspend disbelief the DEE EM kills kittens!" The ruler said to our leader.

"Well if you had met our party's wizard you wouldn't be able to suspend disbelief either." Randylyl shot back as our ankles began to get wet.

"Come on now, buck up!" I said. "All you have to do is sing along to a happy little song!" And we all joined in singing.

"I believe we can float
I believe we are like a boat
just quit thinking about it night and day
and the fortress wont sink away
I believe we are less dense than water
if you'll just stop making sarcastic mutters
I believe we can float,
I believe we can gurgle gurgle..."

The last lines were stopped as the fortress completely disappeared below the waves.

"Damn it, you could have just told me to think happy thoughts, I hate sing alongs." Randylyl said as he grabbed onto a barrel.

"How come?" I asked as I paddled back up to the surface.

"Because they're always lame attempts to show unity between diverse members of a party near the end of a narrative." He stated with disdain.

"Hmmm maybe you're right... You want to start swimming for Carmalon?" I asked.

"Guess we'd better. But if anyone asks, Robear did this." Randylyl nodded conspiratorially to me, though I felt I needed to object.

"Well that's all fine and good, but you're paying me back for all those priceless souvenirs that sunk."

"I can't pay you back, you spent all the party's funds on them!" He cried angrily.

"You know, if you'd stop focusing on petty details like that we wouldn't be in this mess." I advised. Randylyl just glared at me as we began to tread water and head for land.

[Chyld]

I got the Scyla and Charbys (sp?) reference! Go me! Trying to slip Greek mythology past me, tut tut.

Aside from that, I really liked that chapter. Powered by suspension of disbelief and some air indeed. Plus, 50 chapters! Hurrah!

[Just your average movie goer]

Cool chapter, once again. I liked having a go at the concept of singing as some kind of act to bond characters together.

And I liked the bit about every time someone fails to suspend disbelief, the DEE EM kills a kitten. Great stuff.

[Slade]

That saying is universally applicable and priceless.

[J m HofMarN]

Chyld- Ah its good to know other people have read Odysseys. Good job! Yeah fifty chapters is definately a milestone.

Movie Goer- Thanks mate, it took me a while to get into the spirit of things with that chapter but once I had the funnies started to flow. Oh and sorry for not going to see SN but my comp has been merciless today.

Slade- Yeah I figured you'd like that one.

Everyone- sorry there's no update, computer troubles and whatnot. However I did manage to use my other computer to send the rough draft of the audiobook to Slade so he can give it a review. Slade by the way is the axe wielding lunatic who will be slashing up my formerly pristine and beautiful work. No, actually he's going to strain his brain to make this novel and my first book look something like presentable, so many thanks to him.

[SimeSublime]

I read floating city as in floating in air, and was a bit disapointed that Articulate Jim didn't make an appearance, but worked out my mistake when their feet got wet. Sinking the city and blaming it on Robear was excellent, but the the best bit:

I cried defensively, finally shoulderbutting the massive bag full of souvenirs onto the deck, accidently crushing a gnome as I did so

[J m HofMarN]

Haha, you really hates you some gnomes man.

[J m HofMarN]

Chapter 51: Telling of the horrors visited on Carmalon by Robear's henchmen

We reached Carmalon in a few hours. The place actually looked quite nice. I mean it hadn't been ravaged as bad as I figured it would. In fact it was a pretty nice town.

"It's quiet." Randylyl said.

"A little too quiet..." I mused.

"No, no it's only a little bit quiet." He replied curtly.

"Awww you ruined the mood." I protested as we moved farther into the town.

We finally found the village's leader, who went by the title of Comrade Defarge. We called out a greeting and he returned it in this fashion: "Hello citizens."

"Hello to you as well ummm citizen." Randylyl said, trying to cover the fact that we were here to overthrow and murder their leader.

"What brings you here?" He asked.

"We're here to overthrow and murder your leader." I said with a smile. Randylyl just glared at me and kicked me in the shin, as if to remind me I'd missed something. "Oh yes, and steal his girlfreind." I added in cheerily.

"Riiight. And why would you want to do that?" He asked in disbelief.

"Because he's evil, duh!" I stated. "Come on, dosn't anyone want to defeat the evil tyrant?" I persued, looking to the assembled peasantry.

"We sent a party delegate to vote for him." Said one of the men.

"The dragon he sent gave my family enough money to buy corn so we can last out the winter." A woman pointed out.

"We already had a revolution this month!" Cried another peasant.

"But how can you stand Robear's cruelty?" I pressed on. "He dosn't ravish your women, he dosn't tax you to starvation, he dosn't execute and interrogate you at random. And you call yourselves filthy peasants? For shame!" I pointed my finger at all of them, but they didn't seem to get the point.

I was out of ideas but Randylyl joined me in the defense of our cause. "He's ruining the stability of this world for one thing. You can't just completely destroy a way of life."

"But the system of oppression by the royalty is horrible! People were starving every day in the streets before the revolution! Some crazy ass wrote 'blood' on my house with some spilled wine! Things like that don't happen anymore now. Why on earth would you want to return the old autocracy to power?" He asked heatedly.

"Ummm... cuz Robear is evil?" I ventured.

"Bah! I'm calling the dragon to deal with you guys!" He yelled before stomping off. Randylyl and I were about to slay him when we heard something. Someone was approaching down the street on all-too-familiar silent footfalls. "Quick! Behind this convenient obstruction!" Randylyl ordered.

We watched the streets for a moment, and just as we were hidden none other than Surly Wanderer walked by.

"They'll never escape me. Once I reach Robear's fortress I will surely PWN them. Hwahahahaha!" He cackled and lightening struck a nearby building. We drew our swords and stepped out from behind the convenient obstruction only to find a large red form blocking our paths.

"Dragon, I presume..." Randylyl said, trying to hide a bit of fear of the massive beast.

"That's comrade dragon to you." It said as it shoved a pile of gold and precious jewels at my companion, and then offered me another one. "These are for you, part of our wealth distribution program.

"WHAT!?" I demanded. "You're a dragon! You're supposed to horde gold, not give it out!" I shoved both piles back at the dragon and grabbed a jewel out of a peasant woman's hand, tossing it back at the creature that gave it to her. "Make with the hording!" I cried.

"Oh now look what you've done, I'm going to have to count that all over again I do hope you're happy!" The creature said in annoyance.

"YAR!" I yelled as I charged at it with my sword. The battle began and Randylyl was soon embroiled in it as well as the dragon thrashed about, trying to destroy us to protect its horde, no doubt. Randylyl was flailing its front furiously while I made my way around the back and climbed up its tail to make the death blow. However things did not go as planned.

"Bugger this! I'm telling Robear!" The beast roared as it took flight. All I could do was cling to its spines and look back as Randylyl receded into the distance. I was alone now, thousands of feet up in the air, holding on to my foes back for dear life. And I had just realized that I had to go to the bathroom.

[Just your average movie goer]

There's a cliffhanger for you!

Great chapter, mate... as always.

I loved the dig at the whole "It's quiet. Too quiet." line and the happy communist community of Robear.

The line about them already having had a revolution that month was brilliantly timed and the friendly dragon was just the iceing to top the cake.

Mucho gracias, amigo.

[Chyld]

Allow my eloquent praise to slip for a bit, this requires the ineloquent variety... that was fucking funny! Allow me to quote:

"It's quiet." Randylyl said.

"A little too quiet..." I mused.

"No, no it's only a little bit quiet." He replied curtly.

"Awww you ruined the mood." I protested as we moved farther into the town.

Then the whole thing with the dragon... quality. And the (I presume) communist peasents... I'm simply loving this chapter.