[Mad Rabbit]

Bravo! The one good thing about being away so long is having so much to read when getting back! Amazing JM! I am orgasmic with joy! LOL

[J m HofMarN]

You are most welcome Rabbit, I've been hoping you'd return for a long while now and tonight's chapter shall be written in your honor.

[J m HofMarN]

Chapter 26: The trial of the century of the week

A recess was called as the prosecutor fumed over his mistreatment. In the mean time the media circus ensued as town cryers and gossips mobbed both parties. The defendant' counsel took the hotseat first.

"Mr. Randylyl, what can you tell us about the accusations of child molestation against your client?" Asked one of the gossips from Cormalon.

"Wrong trial of the century." He replied curtly. "That was last week."

The next questioner appeared from Roshunyon. "What can you say about the accusations of instrument molestation against your clients?"

"I don't think that's a very serious charge at all and certainly not anything to focus on." Randylyl said patiently.

"Well what about the accusations of rape and necrophilia and sexual perversion and..." Randylyl cut the poor town crier from Illythyria off.

"Damn it! It's always 'Rape this' or 'Molest that'! Aren't there any questions not involving sexual misconduct?" He leered at them and they whithered beneath his gaze, withdrawing all their questions. Finally someone was brave enough to continue the inquisition.

"Mr. Randylyl, is there anything at all that might excuse your clients heinous actions?"

Randylyl smiled, having been hoping to answer this. "They were molested with musical instruments by their necrophiliac sexual pervert parents while they were children." He nodded gravely and a wave of sympathy went through the gossips. Randylyl smiled slyly.

Next it was the prosecution's turn.

"Mr Prosecutor, is there really any hard evidence that adventuring has a negative impact on society?" Asked one of the Logican gossips.

"Well... No..." He replied grudgingly.

"I think the real question is why is it that adventurers are allowed to seduce our children into killing people." Said a woman from The Warrior Village.

"You go girlfriend!" Yelled a bulky dark skinned woman, seemingly from nowhere.

"Hold on there." Broke in Randylyl. "If you're so concerned with your child's well being might I ask you where your children are at the moment, ma'am?" He asked politely.

"Right where they should be, at home doped up on ye olde Ritalin and perusing my stack of literature and my weapons cabinet." She said with a nod. All the Logican town criers considered Randylyl's point thoroughly proven and so the interviews continued.

"Mr. Prosecutor, is it true that you'll be seeking the penalty of death by catapulting?" Asked one of the interested parties.

"Yes, that's very true. They have comitted high crimes against logic and sanity and I feel that the world would be a better place without them. Moreover, their counsel called me an ass."

A murmur went through the crowd and the interviews dragged on a bit longer until the trial resumed. The judge called the court to order and began to call witnesses. Randylyl called some guy named Calo who had been living in his pool house and the prosecutor accused him of being biased. The prosecutor called a member of the naked elf patrol but Randylyl accused him of being an elf supremacist.

Finally the closing arguments began.

"Your honor," Began the prosecutor. "Randylyl and his friends and those like them are guilty of wasting time that is beyond quantification. They put foolish ideas into people's heads, and they cause people to waste their time with idle day dreaming and thoughts of things that do not truly exist. They cause violence by displaying it so readily. There is no visible beneficial effect measurable in their existence. They're no more than a farce, an absurdity, and its best they disappear from our world. May the DEE EM have mercy on their souls."

The judge nodded thoughtfully and turned to Randylyl. "Counsel, you may begin now." Randylyl immediately took advantage of the offer.

"Your honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I believe that my clients, their lifestyle, and the ideas involved in it indeed do play a part in society. Stories of fantasy and adventure may not teach people things they can use in their work place. Heroes may not pay taxes or cure plagues, but you have to look beyond that. The adventures of my friends captivate people and bring them out of their plague infested, rat crawling, tyranny ridden lives. Can you put a price on that?" The jury noddded their agreement and, heartened by this, Randylyl went on.

"I know they may act childish at times." He looked to Pinecone trying to pull off Crotch's beard as Crotch tugged savagely at his ears. "I know that they may not always behave as we would." As he said this he gave a disdainful glance at me as I tried to headbutt the chains that held me into submission. "I know they're not always predictable or governed by the laws of physics." He looked on with surprise as Crotch and Pinecone's struggle made a part of the cieling cave in atop Gilliam, who somehow managed to come out unscathed.

"However I've been with them ever since last Tuesday, and they have a good side as well. They lugged me across two continents in a misbegotten attempt to heal me just because I was their friend. They fought a horde of elven supremacists to save me. Loyalty, toil for the greater good, courage, I've seen all these things manifest in them despite their lack of any semblance of common sense. These qualities are sorely lacking in modern society." He paused to sip a glass of water.

"It is reality that we must blame for the downfalls of our world. It is reality that people seek to escape by reading of the exploits of people like my friends here. Can you really blame all violence on Bards who play music about the dark gods? Can you really blame it on adventurers who fight against the dark gods?" The jury once more murmured and signalled their agreement.

"No. It is because of people who truly do these things that they continue to happen. It is because of people like the king of Rosmundar who is making pointless war on a neighboring kingdom. It is because of rogues who beat up younger children and steal their milk money. It is because of assholes like the prosecutor here that violence continues. Therefore I ask you to acquit."

The jury was ready to read their verdicts in moments and the court rose to greet the tidings.

"We the jury, find the defendants, "The League of Human Dignity" Not guilty of crimes against logic." Randylyl knew better than to celebrate yet." However, we DO find them guilty of all the other horrible things they've done." The foreman sat down as the prosecutor began to dance a little jig and the judge prepared to render his sentence.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 07 March 2005 - 11:51 PM

[Slade]

Hehe, beautiful as ever, JM.

[Chyld]

Not quite so laugh-out-loud as the other chapters, but every word spoken true. As I assume that was the point, good stuff!

[SimeSublime]

I really liked Randylyl's closing statement. Using the class's to sterotype people, and the party's actions throughout.

I find it odd though that the citizens of Logika refer to the Dee Em as the Dee Em, though. I thought they'd be less religious. That being said, there has been obvious evidence of the Dee Em's existance, so I guess it does make sense.

[Slade]

Yeah, the Dee Em lets you know he's up there making sure you don't cheat your character sheet and your skill checks. Unlike some deities... Not to mention any names or anything, of course...

[J m HofMarN]

Yes that's true, this chapter didn't have quite the humor content of the previous ones but I did ensure that it had at least onee good joke with Randylyl's bit of hypocritism with the reporters. The next chapter is going to have some shocking moments in it, as well as more humor.

[J m HofMarN]

Chapter 27: The plot thickens, but still contains lumps of flour because it was not mixed properly

"Based upon all the evidence that has been shown it is undeniable that The League of Human Dignity has killed a great many people." The judge stated as he madee a preamble to his judgement.

"Therefore, it makes sense that they should be punished to the fullest extend of the law. However, the defense made a point that has failed to be well recognized. The seamen..." He paused to let the court chuckle. "The seamen were from Rosmundar. Rosmundar is, as well all know, about to launch a completely insane war on a nearby kingdom under the pretense that they have something called WMDs." The court murmured as this was a topic of particular worry around much of the world.

"As such, their actions against the navy of Rosmundar, and the elven supremacists, are not wholly to be considered cold blooded murder. The Rosmundarian navy was set to bombard Roshunyon and therefore the sinking of one of their ships might actually be considered a good deed. And surely the slaughter of a bunch of ignorant elves who were threatening a Logikan citizen is just peachy keen as well."

The prosecutor began hopping around angrily now. "You can't just let them go! They're idiots!" The judge rolled his eyes a bit.

"You're right. There must be some form of punishment, however, to be fair, I will do it by their own laws. Therefore they must travel to Idiom on an adventure and bring back some random and expensive object from King there. Only then will they be absolved of wrong doing, and they must fly hence."

"So let me get this straight." Said the angry attorney. "You're going to let them go free after they've murdered untold hundreds of people and orcs, and you're going to declare them completely innocent just as long as they bring some random item? What the hell do you call that? I know it's certainly not justice!"

"No, I don't call it justice. I call it a side quest." Said the judge, as we were released.

"Three cheers for justice!" We all cheered before Randylyl hurried us to some horses that had been stocked with provisions and weaponry. We thanked Randylyl profusely and then set off.

Along the way towards Idiom we decided to sing a happy little religious type tune. It did not seem to make Randylyl terribly happy but it surely raised our spirits.

"What if the DEE EM was one of us
we'd have to keep him happy so he wouldnt kill us
He'd drink mountain dew like one of us
and have to keep an eye on all our rolls

if the DEE EM had a face what would it look like
and if he had bad acne
would his pimples mean that you would have to believe
In things like dex checks and Tolkien, and all the final fantasies.

and yeah yeah the DM kicks ass
and yeah yeah the DM wears glasses
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

What if the DEE EM was one of us
we'd have to keep him happy so he wouldnt kill us
He'd drink mountain dew like you and me
always hide behind his DM screen
trying to keep an eye on our rolls
like a nerdy guy who always says "pwned"
wondering how many figurines he owns
down in the basement of his mothers home
Nobody calling on the phone
except for his friend who looks like a gnome"

After this there was silence and so Randylyl began to question us as to what happened to "That dirty guy and the fellow who threw fruit."

We all grew sad at his mention of them and Zorbilliam replied in a somber tone. "They were drowned, my friend."

"Drowned?" He asked. "S.W. was the most capable member of the party, and Phil, assuming he actually was a mage, could have easily escaped. Tell me more about what happened."

And so I unfolded the story. "We woke up one night and the ship was taking water through a watermelon sized hole in the hull and a lot of the guards were spattered with apples or arrows or blood. We went to the top decks to looks for life boats but they'd all been cut free by some sort of bladed weapon and were drifting about a half a mile off stern."

"So what you're saying is that Phil and Surly Wanderer got tired of your idiocy, sunk the ship, took all the life boats and left you for dead?" Randylyl asked.

"No. I told you, they drowned. What would give you a crazy idea like that?" I asked disbelivingly.

"Call it a hunch." He muttered.

[SimeSublime]

*Gasp!*

[Chyld]

Side quest! Side quest! Good show!

[Mad Rabbit]

Excellent as usual JM! I do have one question, is the Dee em song a parody of an existing song?

[J m HofMarN]

Yes, actually it's Joan Osborne "What if God was one of us". As heard in a few films, I believe it was sung in "Bruce Almighty" once or twice.

I told you guys there'd be a few plot twists, and hope this one caught you off guard. Also, did this hcapter measure up to the earlier ones in humor content and fun? I'm trying to get back to the light hearted roots.

[Slade]

I think it did. Any time Glamis opens his mouth, it gets light-hearted. He's just that kind of guy.

[SimeSublime]

I don't think you can get more lighthearted then that song, JM.

I was wondering what was going on. I noticed the distinct lack of Phil, and actually re-read the shipwreck chapter three times trying to work out where he went. I figured there was some reason, hence I made the post about him and the balif monster, figuring if he was missing for a minor reason you would state why, but if it was something major you'd ignore my comment. In all honesty, though, I didn't notice the absence of SW. Shame on me.

Regardless, I don't think they'd just get up and leave the rest to die. Just have to wait and see.