[J m HofMarN]

JYAMG- Well if you've seen the movie you'll know. It's ch36 or 37, I had someone speak some of the lyrics from the MST3K opening song. I'm kind of surprised that some of the simplest lines illicit the best response, I'll have to stop trying so hard with my jokes and just work on style. Did you notice the reference to the discrepancy between the LOTR movies and the books?

Helena- I'm glad you got most of those, good job. I should have a reference comprehension quiz after I finish this. Sadly though there wont be many more KOTOR references. I try to keep things to one reference per book movie or game.

Sime- Phil never was a wizard at all so its ok. The serverresset sounds like some horrible apocalyptic thing, but I'm actually going to bring it into the general storyline under that impression.

Madam- I try to make the humor sound British but I hadn't thought of it being particularly Grendelish, really I didnt like the epic too much. However I might have to reference that and I think I need to add in a reference to the old Mario, which I have an idea for. I think that's all I'm forgetting, I've got a piece of paper here listing all the other references I'll do.

I'm sorry there's no chapter today, I've been doing a chapter every day for a while now and I'm a bit burned out from work as well. However, here's a few spoilers for the next chapter:

The name will be "The warrior village isn't a very good name"

the party will be traveling in a southwesterly direction to reach their destination.

They will not help any gnomes.

There will be a reference to someething crazy my friend came up with.

And one major spoiler not for this chapter, but in the future Glamis will get married.

[SimeSublime]

Ahh! Spoilers! Run in fear!

[J m HofMarN]

Chapter 45: The warrior village is not a very good name

We journeyed for many moons to reach the warrior village, where we might hopefully begin to gather a force so that we might assail the evil fortress. Being tired and near to death we paid for a room at the local inn with some of the ample funds dropped by the monsters we had slain on the way.

I was awoken in the middle of the night by Meddeum. I tried to stab at whatever had woken me up but when I heard it clinking off armor I looked up. "Meddeum?" I asked in sleepy confusion.

"Yeah it's me! I've been power-sleeping!" He said enthusiasticly.

"What does that mean?" I asked curiously.

"It's when you only sleep for four hours and then you wake up well rested and twice as strong!" He said with a smile.

"I don't want to powersleep. Power sleeping kills." I said before dipping my head back into my pillow.

Meddeum was gone when I woke up.

We went out into the town's market place where most of the burly men were to be found, or so we hoped. However when we looked about we found that most of the men, and wenches also, were fairly scrawny and effeminate.

"Hello, are there any warriors here?" I asked a passing house-wench.

"Neanderthal!" She turned up her nose and scuffled off after yelling this word at me. Just then Meddeum reappeared.

"We have to get out of here! This place is insane!" He cried.

"Nonsense, I'll find out what's going on, calm down." Our leader soothed. Randylyl mounted a raised platform and began pleading our cause.

"People of the warrior village! I am Randylyl, leader of the Knights of the Old Republicans. I have come to gain the aid of the warriors of your village in a--" But he was interupted by a man in the crowd.

"There aren't any warriors here."

"WOT?" Cried Randylyl along with the rest of us.

"We're pacifists." Explained a man.

"Well that's not going to help you defeat Robear when he comes up here!" I replied.

"Sure it will. Total pacifism is the only way to end all war. Robear will just come through, implement his reforms and then leave without doing any harm. And best of all we'll have shown the world that total pacifism works." Said the village's queen as her long sandy blown hair floated along in the wind.

"But if you're into pacifism than why the devil is your village named the warrior village?" Demanded Zorbilliam.

"Yeah!" I agreed.

"A city dosn't change its name from pleasanton to drearyville just because it's not pleasant, does it? A lamb's name dosnt get changed from Fluffy to Baldy after its been sheered does it? You don't change your name from Dave to Delila just because you find out you have female sexual organs do you?" Asked one of the men from the village.

We all looked at him strangely for a while.

"So there's no warriors at all here, laddy?" Crotch asked.

"No." The town all stated quite clearly.

We were on our way out in minutes without even buying any souvenirs, especially since all the souvenirs they had were peace sign necklaces and things that had been tie dyed.

"That was bad!" Pinecone stated as we continued our escape to the South.

"Hmmm we need to find some help if we're going to take down the evil fortress." Randylyl said.

"There's a forest up ahead, I bet it's full of elves. Elves don't like Robear, we could ask them for aid." Said Gilliam.

"Don't tell me you're still planning to ravish an elf." Randylyl glared at him.

"No... Well... Yes... but it's still a good idea to ask them for help." Gilliam replied.

"Oh alright!" Randylyl ascented, and we started for the large clump of trees.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 04 April 2005 - 09:36 PM

[Just your average movie goer]

That was brilliant, mate. I liked the thoughtfulness of the Queen's argument about Pacifism to Randylyl. And once again, there were laughs a plenty throughout the chapter. I particularly liked the Dave/Delila gag and your stab at power walking and other power-nonsense.

Good times.

[J m HofMarN]

Ah great to hear, there shall be a new chapter tomorrow, probably early morning. And actually that wasnt a stab at power walking, it was a reference to Meddeum's player, who actually has power slept before and swears by its benefits.

[Just your average movie goer]

Ah. A little bit of a private joke then.

Oh yeah. JM, why don't you catch up on Starry Nights? Everyone's been fully clothed for the past few episodes.

[Madam Corvax]

It's funny the way you crack jokes like that right after the bickering in the SW forum. Although it does stand out by itself, too. It's sjut so much more funny in the context.

Just curious: does power sleeping really kill or is Glamis just a wimp for not trying it?

[J m HofMarN]

Ah, bickering amongst themselves and making fun of fools is one of the chief occupations of clever people during their spare time, so I get a great deal of my material from real life, though never quoting it verbatim. Most of it is just inspired and then I make it absurd.

Power sleeping does indeed kill. I was talked into trying it.

[J m HofMarN]

Chapter 46: Robear continues to be evil

Robear was sitting upon his dark throne, which was really just a chair, at a great table, which was really just one of those bothersome extendable tables that it takes thirty people to extend in order to have Christmas dinner, and someone has to sit too close to uncle Joe because of the weird structure of the legs.

But Robear was not having Christmas dinner, nor was Christmas even celebrated at all in any part of the world. Robear was holding a council of his most trusted advisors. Unfortunately almost all of them were off trying to storm Tranden.

So instead Robear had the princess, his advisor/torturer, the leader of the evil men of Carmalon, and one of the orc captains who had gotten tired of waiting around for the heroes to show at Tranden. And so the council of unholiness began.

"Alright, where do we stand? I'll start with you, Comrade Winnifred." Robear said, looking to her.

"Well I've finished planning the wedding and asked the advisor to act as our legal joiner. I've had a red and black tuxedo ordered for you and a dress for me, and the flower girls will all be orcs, and your best man can be a troll. Oh, but there is the matter of those damned adventurers, they've escaped conviction for rape and murder twice now and are rumored to be armed and dangerous and heading here." She said with a worried look.

"Don't worry about them, I have a plan but before I explain it I'd like to hear from Comrade Defarge." Said the dark one.

The leader of the evil humans stood up and nodded to everyone. "Hello, fellow Jacqueses. I am happy to report that the revolution has fully triumphed in Carmalon and that all remnants of the old tyranny are gone. Reform is proceding according to the mandates of you, oh glorious leader." With this he sat down and the advisor rose.

"We have built as many schools and hospitals as to be appropriate given the number of Carmalon's residents. A sewage and water system is being constructed now. Most industry has been nationalized except a few hold-outs. The proletariat there are all quite happy thanks to you, glorious leader." He said reverently before sitting down.

"And what of the liberation of Tranden from the bounds of bourgeois oppression?" Robear asked of the orc captain.

"When I left the people's army of orcs was still encamped and ready to attack. It should be taken as soon as the heroes arrive so the battle can start. After that if they survive your plan is ready to be implemented." Was the reply.

"Just what is this plan?" Comrade Winnifred asked.

"I intend to lure Glamis out under the impression that I'm offering a contest to win your hand. However I'll marry you before it occurs. He didn't fall for my DDR challenge but I have an offer he can't refuse. BWAHAHAHAHA!" Lightening struck again as some of the orc guards in the room cowered in fear. A stray bolt of lightening suddenly collided with Robear and he went into a spasm, jumping up from his chair and drawing his weapons, a hammer and sickle. The guards called for help and ran to their lord.

However, the lightening had aggravated his ailment and his spasm was so wrathful that it made him begin whirling around and killing his own men. The first two guards that approached him fell dead. He got his senses about him and stared in horror. "Oh I am sorry I didn't mean to do that!"

"Do what your vileness?" Asked anther guard as he came in. SPLAT went his head under a blow from the hammer wielded in the posessed hand of the evil master. "I really didn't mean to do that, it was an accident!" More guards poured in.

"Oh no no get away I'm having a ceisure you fools run!" He cried. The orcs obeyed their lord and charged into the corner of the room. "No not over there!" He screamed, too late for the orcs to hear as they fell into one of the many bottomless pits that were everywhere in the evil fortress.

Hearing the clamor even more guards streamed in as Robear continued to slaughter them while they dumbly stared on. All the while he screamed out in Anguish. "No! No get away! Oh damn it move you twits! I really dont mean to do this you know! I'm not evil or anything! Please dont stand infront of me! Oh I'm dreadfully sorry." Splat went another one of their heads.

"I really am sorry! Your health plan will cover this I assure you! You're all going to be heroes of the peoples republic!" He said trying to comfort those that lay dying.

Finally the fit left him to wrestle with his guilt. And we close our chapter now that the obligatory villain-killing-own-henchmen scene has occured.

[Just your average movie goer]

Ah, yes. The good old villain-killing-his-henchmen trick.

And nice to see bottomless pits are still in use. I don't know where the world would be without them.

[Madam Corvax]

Oh well, I suppose it is funny, with all the communist symbols and "people's republic" and hammer and sicke and all.

Sad thing is that I do remember when people called each other "comrade" over here. Because it indicated how old I have suddenly become.

I hope Glamis and his friends will give Robear a good licking pretty soon.

[SimeSublime]

Personally, I liked the reference to Jacques. The man was a lengend.

[J m HofMarN]

Movie Goer- Thanks for reminding me, I mean to have Robear use his for a trashcan. The book is very quickly starting to wrap up, so look for a lot more excitement to come.

Madam Corvax- I'm surely not making fun of communism, so much as I'm using its idealistic ideology as a foil to the blatant greed of the worlds kings and queens. Robear will of course die, though I'm not entirely sure how yet.

You dont seem at all old Madam, nor do you seem too young.

Sime- Oui, oui Jacques number three!

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 06 April 2005 - 02:55 AM

[J m HofMarN]

Chapter 46 The elves of the emerald forest

We soon approached a great forest, but there was trouble on the horizon, for there was smoke billowing out from the canopy.

"Hmmm, this does not bode well for the elves..." Thought I as we entered. A rather portly elf came out to greet us. Portly might be too kind a word.

"A fat elf!?" Gilliam cried out in horror.

"Elf not sposed be fat!" Pinecone yelled.

"Never has the world known such blasphemy!" Screamed Meddeum in terror.

The elf simply gulped down some beer and then threw the can at a passing deer before continuing on his way. We approached the elven city more cautiously now.

Finally we were taken to the palace of the elf king, into which wood was constantly being tossed to burn in a great kiln. Fouled water flowed out of various drains and there was a general rank smell about the place.

"What's happened here!?" I asked. "Orcs taken over? Evil wizard? Dragon? Richard Nixon?" I asked fervently in my worry for the village.

"No, we just got a bit tired of always playin at being bloody hippies all the times. Elves like stuff too you know. All this wrapping food in leaves and being friends to the animals, why it's nonsense!" He said, as he had an omlette brought in made from the eggs of some no-doubt endangered bird.

"But what about the environment, surely it can't stand this abuse! What about the trees?" Randylyl asked heatedly. "You bad elf!" Pinecone added in.

"Oh you sound just like that Lorax tosser. Well when the trees start scratching my back I'll start scratching theirs! Now let me feed my beer gut." He said dismissively.

"Wait just one minute now! Robear is trying to take over the world and you're an elf, you've got to help us. We're supposed to be all united and stuff!" I said petulantly.

"Well if you want to we're going to be roasting a bengal tiger at my place later tonight and--" He was about to continue his offer but our leader cut him off.

"Bastard! Lazy ignorant git! I hope the hole you punched in the ozone fries you all!" Randylyl screamed indignantly.

"That's impossible, we plugged it with smog!" The king yelled back defiantly and then turned to a good looking she-elf standing beside the door. "Courtney! Show these gentlemen out!" The female, who I assume was his daughter, gestured us towards the exit and Gilliam stared at her chest for an improper amount of time.

"Do you like them?" She asked. "Real silicone implants. Very expensive since all the silicone has to be extracted from koalas!" She smiled a mindless grin as she escorted us out and we started on our way, knowing we could get no help from these lazy bastards.

"Man that princess sure was hot, eh Gilliam?... Gilliam? Oh buggery!" Randylyl yelled as his face screwed up in worry. "Find him! He's as much of a menace here as Godzillathar is to Tokyonia or King Bill Clinton is to a ye olde interns convention!"

We split up to search for him at Randylyl's behest. I checked the garbage dump, the strip mine, and the hole they'd punched in the ozone, but Gilliam wasn't present in any of these places. I returned to the place where we had decided to meet up beneath the largest smokestack in the emerald forest. We found Zorbillian dragging Gilliam back and began our inquest as soon as we had hold of him.

"Gilliam!" Randylyl said reproachfully. "Even I know that the elves do not take kindly to humans and elves falling in love."

"Oh, we're not in love." Gilliam explained with a smile.

"So it was just casual sex? That's even worse!" Groaned Meddeum.

"Oh it was casual for me, she seemed to get a bit worked up over it though." Gilliam explained cheerfully.

"You don't mean..." We all looked at him in horror.

"Yup!" He said happily.

We were suddenly aware of two things. One is that Gilliam had ravished the elven princess. The second was that the elves were not terribly happy about this, as evinced by the lynchmob charging after us. We waited for Randylyl's order and he stared at us.

"What are you waiting for? Noone has to say it for you all to know what to do!" He cried angrily.

We continued to stare at him blankly as the mob approached, and we could see that they had tied several small animals to sticks and were using them as torches.

"Well it couldn't hurt you know. You ARE the leader and all." Gilliam said.

Finally Randylyl knew he had to do the proper thing as he let out a sigh. "Oh, alright! How's this for leadership:"

"RUN!" He yelled. No sooner had the words left his mouth than we were all charging south for the relative safety of the open plains. We were very glad for his guidance that day and given the great distance they'd have had to run the elves were too lazy to persue us and just slung some beer cans after us.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 06 April 2005 - 06:47 AM

[Just your average movie goer]

That was one of the best ones you've written in a while, mate. I loved all of that. The Richard Nixon bit was brilliant. And it was great having Glamis looking everywhere for Gilliam, including that hole that had been puched in the ozone layer... and that big pause before Randylyl decided to bugger it all and make a run for it.

Brilliant!