[Madam Corvax]

Oh, I see... By being nicer you mean giving me biggest boobs ever in Starry Nights. How very sweet of you

[Just your average movie goer]

That is a high honour. However, you're getting much more license this time around. The main thing was the piece of genius in getting you into the story again after having written you off in the last one. It's like one of those Flash Gordon gimmicks. It's like...

er, sorry, JM. I won't steal your thread anymore.

[J m HofMarN]

JYAMG- I've got plans for Gilliam, you can bank on that they involve someone named Montoya and a very lost elf.

Chyld- I'm glad you picked that up, it was strongly paraphrased. You might not believe it but those two sentences are pretty much lovecrafts best work out of like thirty stories. Oh and take your time with the publishing, Slade's taking his time with the editing and I'm taking my time with the writing so it all works out.

JYAMG Again- Mostly dead and so long boys have fun storming the caastle are both TPB. You're paying for add space here, right? haha.

Madam Corvax: I'm glad you liked that. I wanted to do more with it actually. And you have to go see the princess bride sometime. By the way, can you buy a hammer so we can all call it "M C Hammer?"

And there will be no talk of breasts in Glamis, this is a very clean and decent novel, except for all the ravishing...

Anyhow, brace yourselves for chapter 43. The next chapter will be the last one in this book.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 31 March 2005 - 07:16 AM

[J m HofMarN]

Chapter 43: They're off to see the wizard!

We soon arrived before the high gates of many-towered Muthos. The city was gleaming and beautiful and nearly pulsing with magical energy. The houses were all made of white stone and were usually round with conical roofs. Even the least of them were two stories tall, and the greatest were much higher.

At the gates we found Phil, who blanched with horror as soon as he saw us. He attempted to run but Pinecone tossed his bow and it knocked Phil on the back of the head. We dragged him into the city with us and rented a room at an inn.

We all sat down and decided upon a plan for the interrogation of our former leader. First we put a sigh around his neck that said he hated elves. Then we locked him in a closet with Pinecone. Intermittently when his anguished screams ceased while he caught his breath we'd ask if he was ready to talk.

After about five minutes we opened the door and he crawled out, complaining about the inability of his kind to take hits and begging us to get the elf away from him. We happily obliged and just let Pinecone and Crotch take their feud out into the city. Meanwhile we commensed our interrogation.

"What are you and S.W. working at, wizard?" I demanded.

"I can't tell you, he'll kill me!" Phil pleaded.

"Well, yeah, that is generally how things work. And then in your death throes you'll end up telling us everything." Meddeum explained.

"But I don't want to die... Alright alright I was sent here to mess with the council of the wise but that's all I can say!" Phil said, his voice cracking as he spoke.

We all huddled together and began to plot.

"We can't kill him cuz we're heroes. Normally we'd have to let him go, but we can't do that either..." I said in utter confustication.

"We could keep beating him til he talks." Gilliam suggested.

"We could have him drawn and quartered." Zorbillian stated, eager to go harness the horses.

"Or we could do this..." Randylyl said. That was actually all he said he whispered something unintelligible and we all nodded as if we understood so as not to seem daft. Then he turned to Phil and told him he was our leader once again and we would go before the council. Phil seemed to be in better spirits now and so we all started off for the great tower of the Muthosian wizards.

When he stopped we were at the foot of the highest tower in Muthos. Crotch and Pinecone ran up to meet us.

"Hey you guys, we ran into an old man in a pointy hat covered in owl dung! He invited us into his house and turned us into all sorts of animals and then ran off into a cave with some old tart! He kept talking about how he was living life backwards!" They said breathlessly.

"If he were actually living backwards in time than he's likely forgotten that you ever came to see him. And no more playing with creepy old men." Randylyl said sternly. The two rebuked adventurers just followed us into the tower.

We came to a huge chamber filled with men in robes and we were escorted to the floor. At this point Randylyl put his plan into action. His plan was ingenius in its simplicity. First he kicked Phil in the ass sending him skidding into the middle of the tribunal and then yelled out: "That guys been pretending to be a wizard and burning down villages!"

The wizards looked at Phil and then a forest of staffs seemed to sprout into all of their hands.

"Do you deny this?" Asked their leader.

"Is the law on my side if I say yes?" Phil asked.

"No." The magus answered.

"No sir! I do not deny it sir! But I cast spells sir!" Phil said in a panicked voice.

"Are you sure you're not lying to head-magus Griffindor?" Asked another mage.

"Perhaps, Hufflepuff, we should let him try to cast a spell to prove it." The leader suggested.

"Very well!" The other mage said. "What spell components will you need for your magic, wizard?"

"Ummm... I'll need an army of wizard slayers and a portal to the other side of the world." Phil said.

Hufflepuff pointed to two robed men nearby and commanded them. "Ravenclaw, Slytherin go fetch him his... Hey wait a minute!" The caster said, realizing he'd nearly been decieved.

"Your staff is broken." Griffindor said, as Phil's staff shattered, giving off fragments of wood and straw as it did.

"Hey! That was just a broom handle!" Cried Ravenclaw.

"Zap him! Zap him!" Slytherin yelled and in mere moments Phil was charred beyond recognition. We went down to speak to him since he was dying and that's when villains always give up their best information.

"Phil, tell us what's going on, before it's too late. S.W. has betrayed and murdered you so you've got nothing left to lose laddy." Crotch said, managing to put some sympathy into his voice.

"No he hasn't. You guys have. You twits... Argh... I'm not telling you anything." He said defiantly.

"Well fine than, suit yourself." I said ominously. "But you know the laws of dying henchmen." I grinned down at him.

"You don't mean..." He said in horror.

"Yup. You won't be able to die til you tell us what we need to know to continue the quest." I said. Randylyl looked at me, not sure what to make of this tried and true law so I began hacking off Phil's body parts just to prove it but he tried to play cool.

"It's just a flesh wound!" He claimed.

"Your arms off!" I replied.

"No it's not! Damn it just let me die!" He screamed angrily. After a while I got tired and Phil, to his credit, refused to talk for about an hour until he realized that he really couldn't die until he gave us some useful information. Finally he croaked out. "Alright alright I'll tell you."

We gathered around and he began to unfold the details of his sad fate to us.

[Madam Corvax]

Humphf, this does not look like the last chapter at all. Unless it will be very long. Actually I am looking forward to it if there are any more references to HP , becuase taking a piss out of Harry Potter should be relatively easy and even dumbest people like me can get it.

JM, how large a hammer are we talking about? I am sort of cleared of funds this month, so don't ask for anything too big, ok?

Ans frankly speaking, I am most grateful there are NOBOOBIES in your novel. Not that I mind them, but you know, just for a little variety it is nice to have a T&A-free novel.

[Chyld]

On the other side of that fence... no boobies? The superficial teen in me is upset... ()

And ooh, ooh, I found a reference! Monty Python!

Gotta love that interrogation scene too...

[Just your average movie goer]

I can't believe it's nearly over. But all good things must come to an end sooner or later.

I enjoyed that one, mate, as usual... and I'm looking forward to the last big hurrah.

Good stuff.

[SimeSublime]

Those Harry Potter references were well done. Especially seeing as you haven't read the books.

But my favourite part was putting him in the closet with Pinecone.

[J m HofMarN]

Madam- Ah, sorry I was just playing around. This chapter I'll post WILL BE THE LAST CHAPTER... of book 2. And you're definately not stupid. Some of these references are horribly obscure. You've gotten some of them and that's plenty to enjoy the book. I'm sure you'll recognize the next video game reference.

Hmm.... not sure, just a picture of one will do. I'm glad you're with me on that, staring at people's bodies when I've never met them just kind of creeps me out in an odd way.

Chyld- The other side of the fence is the wrong side. And if you're not on my side of the fence, you're on the other side. And hey, I do mention wenches and ravaging a lot, and I did say bosoms once or twice. And yeah, I think I've referenced Monty Python twice so I might have to stop that.

JYAMG- The next book will be that last hurrah, after a little bit of building up to it. I've actually decided to base the names for the 3 books of Glamis on what the party is called at the time, so the first one will be "The League of Human Dignity" and the second will be "The Fight Club" and the third will be...

Sime- I'm glad you liked it, basking in the glow of peoples approval is what keeps me from going mad. Do you think Crotch is gay? Should it be revealed whether he is or not or just left ambiguis?

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 01 April 2005 - 03:32 AM

[J m HofMarN]

Chapter 44: Confessions of a wannabe wizard

"S.W. said he needed a wizard to help him in his plans. He said the rest of you were all too selfless, or in Randylyl's case too crazy." The wizard began as Randylyl glared at him.

"I didn't want to betray you all, but he promised me ultimate power." He explained.

"You mean a ring that would allow you to control the destinies of all?" I asked curiously.

"No, metamagic feats!" Phil replied.

"Noone would burn down a whole village just for some extra abilities." Slytherin said accusingly as he poked at what was left of Phil with his staff. "Admit it! You only pretended to join SW because you wanted what he had. You were planning the whole time to betray the Wanderer at just the right moment and take his power for yourself after letting him deal with the heroes."

"No, he really isn't that smart." Randylyl stated flatly.

"Thanks, I think. Yeah I was pretty much just a lacky. Though now that I think about it it would have made me a more interesting character if I'd had my own motivations and stuff... oh well." Phil said. "Can I die now? I think my spleen just collapsed under the weight of the remains of my gall bladder..."

"Yeah yeah soon as you tell us enough so we can stop SW." Gilliam said as he poked the fallen mage's colon with a stick.

"Alright alright I'll talk... He said that he was going to kill you all in order to become more powerful and gain some sort of thing called EXP. Once he has a bit more of that he says he can become immortal."

"NO!" Cried Ravenclaw. "We can't allow that."

"Why?" We all asked.

"None know of it except the council. My knowledge came from the DEE EM himself. I was told that someone tried to do this once before, even before tuesday, and that to end this quest for power something called "serverresset" occurred. Even the wise don't know what that is but I'm sure it's bad."

"He said something about that. He said all the normal people would be destroyed and have to start over again, but if he could reach some place called "savepoint" he would be able to survive." Phil explained.

"So Wanderer is going to damn all the world just to gain his power? The fiend! Dosn't he realize that part of this world belongs to me!?" Zorbilliam grumbled.

"Tell us oh treacherous one, where is this savepoint that he intends to access?" Asked Griffindor.

"It's in... It's... gagh... khoff... weeze..." And with that Phil passed into the realm of the dead.

"Why is it that every time someone tries to tell us a bit of crucial information as they die the place or person is named gaghkhoffweeze?" Meddeum wondered.

"Beats me, but I guess our best bet is just to go ruckus the evil one and hope S.W. shows up." Randylyl said.

"Good idea, that would make for a really interesting climactic battle." I said.

"Yeah, especially with the invasion of Tranden having been about to occur for the past month or so laddy." Crotch said. We all smacked our foreheads except for Meddeum who just grinned.

Hufflepuff stopped further discussion however. "The invasion won't occur til you guys get there. In fact the orcs are probably all going to just eat eachother while they wait. We need you to go search out Surly Wanderer and prevent him from achieving his goals. The best place to find him is probably in the south, at the evil fortress. None can pass the great seaward wall except thos honored by the republic of Muthos."

"It wouldn't hurt if we knighted them since they're going on a mission of likely death for us." Griffindor suggested.

"But our term in the republic is quickly coming to an end, and the new leaders might not like them. The republic will be a different place by the time they return." Cautioned Slytherin.

"Very well than, we'll have to specify. Kneel, Randylyl, Glamis, Meddeum, Pinecone, Crotch, Zorbilliam and Gilliam." Requested Griffindor as Hufflepuff tapped our shoulders with a sword he had.

"And arise as knights of the old republic." He said as we looked around the chambers and bowed.

"Now you must go south, and seek far greater peril than you have ever encountered. Your road is long and hard, and return is an uncertain chance. The possible ways to die before you outnumber the ways you might live afterwards. Yet, if you persevere, and see this task through to the end, you shall live in legend forever and be the saviours of landlandia. You seven brave souls are the hope of the world, and all those upon it. You are the promise of dawn during the darkest midnight. You are... Already out the door... damn it." Griffindor muttered before going off to attend to some wizard business.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 01 April 2005 - 05:43 AM

[J m HofMarN]

And that's it for book 2: The Fight Club. Stay tuned in this thread for book three: Knights of the Old Republic.

by the way, did anyone catch the mystery science theater reference in a past chapter?

[Just your average movie goer]

I looked but I did not find it. I've only seen one Mystery Science Theatre movie though so I may not be the best bet. Perhaps Sime will get it.

Well. A wonderful chapter again. There was quite a lot to enjoy in that one.

This was my favourite line:

"No, he really isn't that smart." Randylyl stated flatly.

Beautiful.

[Helena]

Even I managed to get most of the recent references. Looking forward to the rest.

And... Knights of the Old Republic? Now that sounds familiar somehow. Can I hope for some references to the game in the next book?

[SimeSublime]

Oh, excellently done. I have to agree with MG on the favourite line. I can just imagine the way he would say it.

The metamagic feats were neat, but as a wizard, shouldn't Phil already get a bunch of those? Then again, Phil isn't much of a wizard.

The server reset was an interesting touch. Especially seeing as that implies an online setting.

And hell, they're still putting off saving the damn gnomes. Huzzah!


And sorry to disapoint MG, but I've never seen a single MST3K, so I'm even worse off then you.

[Madam Corvax]

I don't know it if is deliberate on your part, but some bits reminded me of the elegies from early middle age written in Olde English. We did Grendell and Wanderer in college two years ago and the style is a bit familiar.