[J m HofMarN]

(this is a continuation of part 1 so read that if you havnt already)

Chapter 23: The search for WMDs

Upon entering the city of Rosmundar we were immediately taken to the king, because that's what happens to people when they enter a city. Randylyl murmured in his malaise that it was strange that a kings main job was to greet passers by and have children kidnapped.

"He's getting worse." Said Phil. "We have to get him to Logicas soon.

We all nodded gravely and then went before king Bilbob of Rosmundar.

"So" He said in a friendly manner. "What brings you guys here?"

"A whale." I answered.

"I'm afraid we don't have any of those. Perhaps you're the adventurers that were prophesised..." He mused.

"Yup that's us. I don't know what prophecy we're supposed to fulfill but we'll definately do it." Said Phil eagerly.

"Well in that case go paint my fence." He ordered.

"What? But we're adventurers! What does this have to do with the prophecy?" Demanded Zorbilliam.

"Well you see, my royal painter was feeling rather lazy and I told him if he didn't paint my fence I'd skin him alive. That's when he prophesized that some adventurers would come from a far away land to paint the fence." He nodded, looking over to a man in cover alls who was sipping a margarita.

The man, who we rightly assumed to be the royal painter, nodded. "Tis true it is! Look, even as I have foretold the adventurers have come to paint the fence!" And the whole court marveled at his foresight.

"Well, if it be an adventurer's work..." I sighed.

"Let's paint some fence laddy!" Cried the dwarf.

We attacked the fence savagely with paint brushes and soon had it entirely finished. Exhausted, we returned to the king's hall where we were hailed as heroes.

"So now that we've completed our quest and defeated the evil fence, can you send us on our way to Logicas?" Asked Phil politely.

"Well I suppose we could. But we need help with more than just fences." He said, gesturing to a map of the continent we were one. We all noticed a large frowny face drawn to the North above some strange looking tunnel-like symbols.

"War?" Asked Pinecone, stating what was rather obvious.

"Yes, we have gone to war with the kingdom of Roshunyon because they have W M Deis." He said solemnly.

"What's W M Deis?" Asked Zorbilliam, for he was well versed in governmental subjects but had never heard of such a thing.

"Oh, she's my daughter, Winnifred Magdalene Deis. We just call her W M Deis for short.

"So you've had her for a really long time, but now that a kingdom you don't like has her that's unacceptable right?" I asked.

"Yup." Answered the king happily.

"What are these things around the kingdom you're fighting?" Asked Gilliam.

"Oh they're nothing at all and have no importance to my decision to declare war on Roshunyon." The king nodded and then nearly jumped as Crotch examined the map.

"Aye! These are mythril mines laddy!" He cried.

"Yes, as I said. Mythril mines that have nothing to do with my decision to go to war."

We all looked at him for a moment and then nodded, seeing the truth of his statement except for Randylyl who began beating his head against the wall we had leaned him against. "Now lets all have a beer!" The king offered kindly.

We were interupted by one of the kings advisors charging into the room.

"Your majesty! Why are we sending troops to Roshunyon!?" He asked, out of breath.

"Because they have W M Deis!" We all chorused.

"But recent intelligence states that another, and far more dangerous kingdom has W M Deis and that Roshunyon has never had her." He said, waving some very official looking papers around.

"But that's impossible, I have guaranteed proof that they have her!" The king said, quite stunned by this new and obviously faulty intelligence.

"What sort of guaranteed proof?" Asked the advisor warily.

"The royal painter told me so one night when we were drunk." He answered.

"But my lord, there's a huge banner hanging from the evil fortress that says they have W M Deis, and we've had search teams in Roshunyon looking for her for weeks and they've found nothing and the only reason you thought she was there was because of a drunkard with paint smeared in his hair." He stopped to let his words sink in.

"Bla bla bla bla bla we're going to war with Roshunyon." Said the king.

In the hall there was nothing but the sound of our drunken cheering and Randylyl bashing his head against the wall.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 22 February 2005 - 04:10 AM

[Just your average movie goer]

Keyboard trouble has kept me from participating on the forum for the better part of the past week. I read this a while ago and really wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed it but I couldn't.

However, I'm surprised that nobody else has written a response to it before me, after it's been up for a week. Come on, people! This is the kind of thing that led to my "Ah... bugger it." approach to the Starry Nights sequel.

Anyway, now that I'm finally able to comment, JM... thank you for another fun-filled chapter. I really enjoyed it.

I'll try to drop by and check on things here occasionally but it's not going to be anywhere near as often. But rest assured that when I do stop by, I'll definitely be checking out the adventures of Glamis.

[J m HofMarN]

Movie Goer, would my finances allow I would have bought you a new keyboard and considered it inadequate recompense for the pleasures of your occasional company. You are the angel of encouragement, and when this book is published I'm going to remember to dedicate it to you, without whom it would surely not exist.

[Chyld]

I reckon everyones either a.) lazy or b.) confused by the change of thread. I'll have to admit a.). But good stuff, as ever. You do have to wonder about all those ancient prophecies...

[J m HofMarN]

Chyld- that's why I made sure to post a link to this in the old thread. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I forgot to post all the references so let me make a note here that this one references wmds (naturally) and that one novel where they paint the fence, I can't remember if it was Tom Sawyer or Huck Finn

[SimeSublime]

What do you mean a week, Movie Goer? It's been three days! Three days, wherein I have only had access to the internet for no more then 5 minute intervals. So, sorry I didn't catch up earlier. I've only been home to sleep recently. Regardless of what happens, I'm with you till the end, JM. This is simply excellent work.

[J m HofMarN]

Thanks Chyld and Sime, your help means a lot to me, I mean really it does. I will have a new chapter up tomorrow and am already working on ch 25 because the next two chapters are going to be very important.

[J m HofMarN]

( references to Titanic, Alive, and Aesops fables are here. )

Chapter 24 The journey to Logicas

We set sail for Logicas from Rosmundar in the finest ship the Rosmundavian navy could providee. This was of course due to our promise to return later and participate in the occupation of Roshunyon. And so it was that we sailed south for Logicas.

We passed several uneventful days while making the obligatory jokes about seamen on the poop deck. One night however after some poorly timed shark baiting we woke up to realize that our ship was begining to sink. In retrospect, it had been a bad idea to write in large letters on the hull "Noone can sink this ship, even the gods."

We climbed to the top of the ship as it continued to drift into the mirky depths. Some band was playing horrible classical music and we considered it our duty to slaughter them and ravish them. We also ravished their instruments in some cases where we got carried away.

Finally the ship sank and we were left floating on whatever wreckage we could get. I used a grapefruit! Then the sharks came. You'd think that dropping loads of chum would fill them up but no, it only makes them hungrier. One by one the crew members all started to disappear.

I looked over to Zorbilliam who was using Randylyl for a flotation device. "When do you think they'll eat Gilliam?" I asked.

Gilliam blanched with horror as he realized that his time on earth was soon to be over. We watched expectantly as the sharks began to circle around him. "Ummm... is it too late to mention that I'm an indispensable part of this group?" He asked.

We all just shook our heads and then in a moment he splashed and disappeared beneath the waves. Satisfied that he had finally expired I took to looking over the remaining four party members. Randylyl was still being used as a raft by Zorbilliam.

A ways off I could see Pinecone and Crotch clinging to a piece of floating furniture and to eachother. "I'll never let go" Said Crotch. I was glad to see that the mandatory elf-dwarf bonding had begun. However the rest of their converation went down hill as Crotch contininued:

"I'll never let go of this board cuz its mine and no pointy ears is taking it from me!"

"Stupid dwarf!" Cried Pinecone.

What ensued was a flurry of axe swings and whackings with a bow that left the makeshift raft in splinters and the two combatants bobbing up and down in the water. Time passed. Hours, maybe days. "We're going to have to start eating the dead..." I said grimly.

"We can't!" Cried Zorbilliam.

"Why not? Because of the moral and spiritual dilemma that arises when we consider eating our own kind to be our only means of survival?" I asked.

"No, because they wouldn't taste very good." He replied.

He was right. They were raw, and not very tastyat all, but it had been a long time since lunch, and they were just floating there anyhow. Some of them made odd noises like "stop" or "why are you eating me" but we paid it no mind. When you've been in the water that long your mind starts to play tricks on you and you have to drown it out to keep your sanity. I then started worrying about freezing to death until Randylyl murmered something about how we had sunk nearly at the equator and that it was as warm as bathwater.

Suddenly, just as we were about to despair, we saw a ship off in the distance. I thought it was a mirage at first. Then I thought it was a ship for a second. Then I thought it was a mirage again. Then Pinecone cried out "Look at the boat!" In his less than intelligent voice and a cheer went up.

Standing on the bow and drinking a glass of champagne was Gilliam. We were helped on board and thanked them profusely for saving our lives, asking them how they came upon us.

"Well you see," Said the captain. "We got a distress call about two hours ago from your ship that it was going down."

"Wow, it was only two hours ago?" I asked, picking my teeth with a finger bone from one of the sailors.

"Yes." He replied rather nervously.

"But what about Gilliam?" Crotch demanded. "Why is he still alive laddy?"

"Well you see." Began Gilliam. "I was pulled down by a shark with a hook in its mouth and it opened its mouth wide and I got the hook out."

Zorbilliam interupted. "And then the shark took you to safety out of gratitude?"

"No. Not really. It tried to eat me but then the hook started pulling on me. It turns out it was attached to a fishing pole and I was pulled on board this ship. They're from Logicas and they said they can take us the rest of the way there."

"Aye." Said the captain. "It's about half a nautical mile, you can see it over there."

"Damn." I replied, having missed the rather large city in the background.

We reached Logicas and immediately asked for help for Gilliam and Randylyl. "We can see that your friend is Catatonic." Siad the Logican healers. "But what's wrong with this one?" They asked, gesturing to Gilliam.

"His breath is minty fresh with death!" I said with a nod of my head.

"Riiiight." Came the reply from the healers. "You're a loonie."

"What... intelligent speech..." Murmured Randylyl as he opened his eyes.

"It's clear that this one has a very advanced case of idiocy poisoning. We'll take him for observation. As for the other, give him some garlic to clear up that problem."

We all thanked them profusely as they carted Randylyl off and then looked back as the coast guard returned from the ship wreck.

"Good god!" They cried. "The bodies have all been eaten or violently murdered or raped, or some times all three! What sort of monsters would do such a thing!?"

"Oh, we did that. Thanks for collecting the corpses we forgot to loot them." Said Zorbilliam as we all ran over to the bodies and began looking for useful items.

It was a great surprise when, rather than letting us take our booty, they clubbed us and began to drag us off to the local jail.

[SimeSublime]

The grapefruit line was brilliant. The way it was thrown in, as if an afterthought, coupled with the enthusiasm, made me laugh quite a bit.

[Slade]

Haha, awesome! Another wonderful chapter in the Epic and Mystical Journey of Glamis the Great! They're stuck in Randylyl's town now, no more randomly walking into people's houses and taking everything due to being an adventuring party!

[SimeSublime]

Personally, I think that Logika could proove their greatest challenge.

[J m HofMarN]

You're completely right about that, Logikas is going to be a lot different than the previous chapters. I can't say how but the story is going to start really moving now.

[SimeSublime]

I remember you mentioning before that Randylyl will lead the group, so I'm getting quite curious.

[J m HofMarN]

Chapter 25 The Trial of Glamis

The trial began at a sensible hour in the afternoon shortly after everyone in the city had gotten up. It was thought to be most intelligent to hold important events in the afternoon so people wouldn't have to get up too early. The remaining adventurers, consisting of myself, Gilliam, Zorbilliam, Crotch and Pinecone, sat in the docket while the charges were read out by the prosecution.

"Your honor, the defendants are accused of crimes against logic and sanity, as well as innumerable counts of theft, murder, and rape most of which we probably don't even know about."

"I object your honor!" Came a voice from the door. We all turned our heads to see Randylyl standing there and a gasp went up amid the court room as he continued. "We prefer the term 'ravishing'."

"Duly noted counsel." The judge said, before motioning to the prosecutor to continue.

"They have also abducted the person here who, I can only assume, is acting as the defense attorney..." The prosecutor sat down, dismayed by this new turn of events and the judge gestured to Randylyl so that he might make his case.

"Your honor." He began. "I know that my friends may occasionally do things that seem absolutely silly and even dangerous or criminal. I know they may drink over much and be too quick to reach for the sword. I know they have different ideas that don't quite gel with our own. Never the less, I intend to prove thoroughly that their chosen lifestyle has a place in society, and that it is indeed necessary to the aforementioned society." A hush went through the court room as Randylyl sat down. I quickly gave him the thumbs up.

"Good job, we'll be out of here in no time!" I said before being smacked in the back of the head by a bailiff-monster. Normally he'd have been slain but the officers who must have mistaken us for outlaws had borrowed our weapons.

Randylyl just looked away as the prosecutor began to make his rebuttle.

"My case is simple your honor." He said gravely. " In addition to killing several people and probably being responsible for the sinking of the ship that came out of Rosmundar, this group has also forced us to change our laws so that sex with a stringed instrument is illegal.

"Ach laddy! I can explain. I thought it was a tuba." Said Crotch, blushing beneath his beard."

"Your honor, I move that my clients be gagged to prevent them from saying anything more to incriminate themselves." Randylyl said as he glared at the dwarf.

"But they're your own clients! I object!" Said the prosecutor.

"But they're idiots!" Randylyl stated.

The judge looked at us, then at Randylyl, and before long we all had pieces of cloth tied tightly into our mouths.

"The prosecutor may now begin his case." Said the judge.

"Thank you your honor," He began. "It has already been proved by their obvious confessions that the five defendants have violated nearly every law known to man. However, since the laws of Logikas forbid killing people for most crimes (since that punishment cannot be fixed if they are later found innocent). However, we do employ the death penalty for high crimes against logic and sanity, and I have evidence to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the five defendants are guilty of such crimes."

The judge nodded and listened as our accuser continued. "First of all, it is completely insane to just wander forth from ones home and claim that one is on a quest to save the world. However I must also point out that the defendants are indeed corrupting the youth with their actions. It's well known that children who meet adventurers, read about them, or play games mimicking their actions will all go on to shoot their classmates with rapid fire crossbows."

"Objection!" Cried Randylyl. "If violent games were the reason for violence comitted by children wouldn't most violence be done using swords rather than bows? And more over I believe that school violence has a lot more to do with parents who are too busy employing the services of tavern wenches to care and thus just toss their kids some of ye olde ritalin and then leave them alone."

"Good point counsel, the jury will disregard the prosecutors argument, cuz it was dumb." The judge said matter of factly.

"You bloody bastard!" Cried the prosecutor. "You've gone and turned to their side. You're as crazy as they are, why next thing we know you'll be going off and ravishing people and smashing pots!"

"May I ask the prosecutor a question your honor?" He asked politely, not at all flustered by the slew of angry accusations against him.

"I hardly see why not." The judge said good naturedly, obviously curious as to what sort of rebuttle would be attempted.

"Tell me, have you or have you not read many fantasy books during your lifetime?" He calmly inquired.

"Naturally, I have not." Replied the prosecutor.

"And are you, or are you not, an ass?" Randylyl concluded.

"Why how dare you! Objection!" The prosecutor bellowed.

"Objection over ruled. I find it difficult to believe that you're not an ass." The judge pointed out as the prosecutor sat down petulantly.

[SimeSublime]

Bravo. Though it is a little lacking without Phil, and his powerful spells. He'd teach that balif monster a thing or two.