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1: I don't respect the sanctity of marriage, or hold any romantic feelings for you at all! Why marriage then? Why, because it's what sensible people do. You see, I don't want a partner for the creation of offspring, or love making, or to cook(see next reason), or any of that. I would much prefer a wife who would be content to sit in the living room with me in seperate arm chairs reading completely different novels while occasionally sipping scotch (or your liquer of choice, I'm flexible you see) or making dry and vaguely accusative or humorous comments and frequently using the word "quite".
You see, I intend to be wealthy and bourgeoise and intellectual and I want a partner who shares the same intention. We will naturally have to have a servant, perhaps named Lane, who we could often involve in our petty disputes at his/her own expense. Also, I would certainly have no problem with my significant other cheating on me, so long as I were allowed to make vaguely accusatory and dry comments about the potential infidelity while sipping scotch.
2: I'll be the bitch! I can cook and wash dishes, in fact its been my job for some time. I work in a high class restaurant doing both at the current time. In fact, I'm considering applying for elf certification so that I can be deemed a chefelf, or perhaps at least a sous chefelf. So you see, it would be like marrying your brother. Wait, that dosnt work terribly much in my favor, but I certainly will cook*. That's always good right?
* Until we hire Lane, at which point he shall do all of the cooking whilst I drink scotch and read.
3: I look good in a suit. Yes it's quite true, although I will not wear one without a great deal of badgering. I look good in most anything, and that's not just me being vain. I could likely wear only a soup spoon and still look quite fetching. Also, I use the word fetching as an adjective. That's not a quality thats easy to find in a guy. Fetching.
4: I am twenty one, which means I am of legal age to procure the scotch that we will drink while making dry and vaguely accusatory comments at eachother or reading.
5: I've read all of your articles, even that one you did about Amber in some early morning class. Of course by that logic I'd be equally qualified to marry Jacques or Chefelf (sorry, Paul and Yahtzee, but I havnt gotten to all of yours)
6: You (presumably) are a female, and I (lest my pants betray me) am a male. Therefore we will not be damned to eternal fires if we marry. I don't think that my competitor has ever stated unequivocably that he is in fact a male and therefore it is possible that God will come down from heaven and torture you both for all eternity. Unsettling, isn't it?
7: According to Slade, you have nice gams and a sponge-like proboscis and your antennae are quite receptive. I don't know why this matters in any way whatsoever!
8: I'm willing to use the word "darling" However, if I'm addressing you as darling and you use the words "Guy in the elevator" as your reply, I reserve the right to make you sleep on the couch even though, like the Clintons, we'll probably have lots of other rooms, but its just the symbolism that counts.
9: I'm a bit of a late comer to this but that works to my advantage. You see, by Raka proposing to you before me he is clearly designated as the least wanted suitor. Perhaps he could even be considered as an evil prince, or, if parents are involved, the arranged spouse for you as part of some sort of effort to forge an alliance between house Redcloud and house Raka. I however am under no such compunctions. If Raka wanted to marry you, and you didn't, then not only would I duel him to the death(see next reason) but I would not even require you to marry me afterwards because i'm into womens lib and all that. Also, to put the question of the person competing with me for your heart aside, let me just mention something. Raka sent a lot of gifts to chefELF. Sauron gave gifts to ELVES too. Infer from that what you will.
10: I own a rather large sword. I've participated in swordfights and can hold my own. Now, naturally I don't expect there to be too much swordfighting at our wedding (I would prefer to keep this to a minimum) but, should someone ever insult you, I could surely challenge them to a duel and likely beat them. Also, the king of Greece is my brother, so if you were ever dragged off to a small city on the Hellispont I would be very capable of raising a fleet and causing a needless and bloody conflict just to get you back. Now that's devotion!
11: I think that I'm clearly a ninja. I'm quiet, I don't make much noise and I can move swiftly. Assuming you're a pirate that would make us very incompatible, which means that we'd be bound to fight a bit before falling in love. Assuming you're a ninja as well we'd be most compatible because we could go on missions together against the hated pirates. Or perhaps solve mysteries from our van with our pet cat (I dislike dogs, but am willing to negotiate about pets) We could even go to a newly founded space colony and be space ninjas. Can Raka offer you that chance? I think not.
12: Scotch.
In conclusion, I love your sponge-like proboscis. Won't you be my space ninja?
This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 15 February 2005 - 05:56 PM
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