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The Sounds of the Subway Wednesday, February 2, 2005

#1 User is offline   Chefelf Icon

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Posted 02 February 2005 - 10:35 AM

I was standing in the subway station after work one night, idly reading my book as I waited for my train. Due to a giant fire a week or so ago the trains have been running exceptionally slowly, so I've had plenty of time lean against grimy subway walls and catch up on my reading. The giant fire destroyed a large part of the subway's relay system and suspended a great deal of service. The longer waits mean longer periods of quiet in the usually bustling stations.

The other night it became very quiet. I thought to myself that I couldn't quite remember a time when I'd heard it so silent here in New York. For the first time in a long time I did not hear the sound of street traffic and there was no sound of train activity anywhere in the station. The few people there were shuffling around silently. I smiled and put my book down for a moment to simply enjoy the silence.

Then, all of a sudden…

BRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!

The loud sound startled me for a moment. It took a second before I realized that it came from a man standing about 15 feet away from me. More specifically: from that man's ass. It was the loudest, most shameless fart I've ever had the misfortune of hearing in public. Not since junior high school sleepovers have I heard such a loud, lengthy flatulency. This gaseous outbreak was not met with the standard pre-teen giggling one would expect but rather it was met with the horror of all those around.

The length of the fart must have been closing in on two seconds when it was finally silenced. In this situation I would have thought that possibly the owner of this gas had been caught as off guard as the rest of us and pinched off the release after an amount of time no greater than half a second. However, this man did not seem bothered by the prospect of announcing his smelly discharge to the entire population of the subway station.

I was the person in the station standing closest to this man at the time of his bowel explosion. Under normal circumstances I would have become worried that perhaps others in the station thought it was me who was the owner of that stink bomb. However, due to the lengthy time and volume of his action there was no mistaking exactly where it had come from. Everyone in the station had already pinpointed its exact location halfway through his performance.

I did the adult thing and simply returned to reading my book. I made sure to carefully avoid any sort of eye contact with the gentleman particularly because he looked like he was most likely a member of the New York branch of the Hell's Angels. The Hells Angels that elect to use the Metropolitan Transportation Authority of the State of New York. It's nice to see bikers that are so ecologically-minded.

This fellow was surely a treat but I can't decide if he was more or less shameless than the man who rode opposite me for 110 blocks on the subway last month that did not go twenty seconds without belching loudly. I calculated that in my ride home he must have belched at least sixty times.

What is it that drives these men, these Brothers of Flatulence? While ordinary people may be embarrassed by public displays of gas release, these men -- nay, heroes -- soldier on, spreading their smells and sounds all over the world as if to rally more people to their cause. Some may scoff, others may turn away in horror, but I salute them.

Bravo, gentlemen.
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#2 User is offline   Lefty Icon

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Posted 02 February 2005 - 04:39 PM

perhaps you've never heard the term "Bronx Cheer."

Well, now that you've heard the geniune article, what need you, terms?
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Posted 02 February 2005 - 05:41 PM

I really liked that article. tongue.gif

You've got a great style that doesn't need Lucas to kick around to prove worthy. smile.gif
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Posted 02 February 2005 - 09:35 PM

QUOTE (Despondent @ Feb 2 2005, 05:41 PM)
I really liked that article.  tongue.gif

You've got a great style that doesn't need Lucas to kick around to prove worthy. smile.gif


Perhaps I can use this arcile as "Reason #31" to hate The Revenge of the Sith. If the rumors are true I may only need to replace "that guy" with "Yoda" and there you have it.
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#5 User is offline   Jane Sherwood Icon

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Posted 09 February 2005 - 05:00 AM

Is it bad that I actually did respond to this with the standard preteen giggling fit? For several minutes?

I suppose that's because I didn't have to smell it...
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#6 User is offline   Chyld Icon

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Posted 09 February 2005 - 07:18 AM

Ah, gas. We've had some entertaining wind attacks round here, such as my roommate clearing an entire landing in the second week, and my best mate literally trying to suffocate me on the bus once. Ah, good yet thoroughly stinky times...
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