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Fallen Where in Icey gets all serious on you

#31 User is offline   Icey Icon

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Posted 26 January 2005 - 03:00 AM

Thank you for the comments, I've never read anything by Ann Rice (but have read about her writings off Fullyramblomatic) is it something I should look into?
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Posted 26 January 2005 - 07:26 AM

Yeah, her earlier work is quite good. But I'd stop reading before Memnock the Devil. Now, JM would disagree with me and tell you that Memnock the Devil is still quite good but I feel that this is where she really lost it.
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#33 User is offline   Icey Icon

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Posted 27 January 2005 - 02:44 AM

Will try to check some of her work out, my girlfriend has a couple of books by her. I'll nap 'em when I get the chance. But now, the sixth part of the Fallen, not entirely pleased with my work here.

My ears could detect no one beyond the door so I tried the door. I slowly pushed the door open looking out for staff or guards. No one was there and I entered the kitchen. I had just closed the door when I heard footsteps heading my way. Sounded like women's feet, gentle and fragile.
Quickly I headed down a flight of stairs going down into freezers, by tradition itself it seemed. It was something universal in these matters. All mansions had backdoor leading to the kitchen and if there was a flight of stairs somewhere, it always lead to the freezer.
I crouched in a corner there for a while, listening and waiting. Clangs of pots, opening of the refridgerator and then... chopping. I would have to shine, and I was going to have to make it quick and as silent as possible. I stood up to my full height and creeped up the stairs. I finally saw something of her, a pale woman with black silky hair. I closed in and the chopping suddenly stopped. I lost control, and darted at her, grabbing her mouth with one hand and her knife hand with the other. I jerked her once and embedded the knife into her neck. She wouldn't make another sound.
Wasting no time I hid her body in the freezer and using the clothing she had on, mopped up most of the blood she left behind. The guards would have to look very closely at the wooden floor to see the hint of crimson left behind. I helped myself to the kitchen knives, picking the two most lethal ones. One I held in my hand, the other one I strapped under my watch, semi-concealed by my jumper.

Again I relied on my ears to guide me past staff. No one seemed to be working there except an elderly man who mumbled loud enough to himself to make sure the Count would know if he'd leave the mansion. Someone I would not be able to kill.
I continued walking through the mansion, looking for files, for anything. I finally stumbled into a file room, several large cabinets were stashed up against a wall. Checking the labels it became obvious that the Count had files on everyone in this abomination of a village.
And then there were the plans of this settlement.
I heard the old buffoon walk up the stairs so I took the chance of making a photocopy. The infernal noise was louder than I had thought. The old man mumbled about something and then the Count spoke. "What do you mean old fool?" His voice was powerful and commanding. It was a deep voice that only time could craft. I quickly returned the plan to it's former place and stuck the copy into my front pocket, it tore in places but I had no time to lose. I snuck out of the file room as the Counts heavy steps could be heard heading down the stairway. I got back into the kitchen when I heard the Count speak again.
"You bumbling old fool! You let someone in my house to look at my documents?" The words were followed by a loud bashing sound. I could hear the old man hit the floor. My ears were not good enough to hear if he wept or not, but my mind filled in the details. Disgraceful.

I pushed open the door outside and stepped outside. I jumped and clawed at the wall trying to get a grip. The ground outside had been much higher than within. I caught myself saying "fuck." I felt like I had disgraced myself at that moment, not for falling into this pit, but for letting my tounge slip. I was glad no one was around to hear me, I hoped.
I would have to go out the front gates and that would be impossible without drawing attention to myself. My original plan to hold back the light had just fizzled into smoke, much like a burning candle that's out of air.
I walked along the wall and turned at the corner that would reveal me to the couple of guards. They didn't see me for quite a while. I was more than half way there when I was finally spotted. The one closer to me told me to stop, I didn't comply and when he raised his gun I threw the knife with lightning reflexes, puncturing his forehead. I picked up the pace and was in front of the wounded guard as he stood there in shock.
I tossed him into a wall and rammed the watch-knife straight into his neck. He caughed blood into my face before he fell to the ground. I could hear the Count's feet racing towards the front door but when he arrived at the scene, there wasn't a trace nor a shadow left. Excluding the shadow of my oldest friend.

I walked through town for a few hours before I sat down, I was more than hungry, I hadn't eaten since yesterday. I found a nearby ration shack. It was one of the many feeding pits of the village of sheep. I entered, expecting a filthy hole smelling like sweat with a fat hairy man behind the counter.
The man wasn't fat. I tapped on the counter and flashed him my broadest smile. "Good day. I would like my meal for the day."
The man eyed my suspiciously and put a large black book on the table, "got yer card?"
I removed my watch and put it on the table. "I'd like food for the rest of the week, in a couple of bags."
"Ofcourse mister Smith." It was good to know that greed was not a family member the flock had left behind.
Backtracking, I quickly found the home of the man that had shared his body and bed with my last night. I knocked on the door and waited. His wife came to the door, she looked me over, her eyes remaining on the couple of bags in my hands. "I don't work at home."
My facial exp​ression went from bored to insulted in a heartbeat, "do not mistake a benefactor for a sex starved baboon!"
"What are you talking about?" I saw him walking down the stairs behind her, I could see he was surprised to see me. Pleasantly surprised.
"What are you doing here?"
"I have a proposal for you, in light of your current situation."
He showed me in and we ate, almost finishing the contents of an entire bag. I learnt his name, Mark, and he lied to his wife how he knew me. Making up a lousy story of how we used to work together for a post house. His wife bought it, putting her on a pedestal with fifth rate citizens in my ideal world order. Below those that can only do physiical labour.
I put down my cards in a simplified version, leaving out the parts they could learn later on, if ever at all. I made it a big point that decent work would be something they could get with ease. It was a just system unlike this badly thought out mess. Mark was eager to jump on the wagon, but his wife did not trust me. They would decide tomorrow morning.
I left out the part that declining my offer would be the death of them.
They allowed me to sleep on their couch over the night.

At midnight I heard someone leaving out the front door, followed by light muffled sobbing coming from Mark's bedroom. What had happened was obvious, his wife had found the only thing greater than love. Greed.
It was last night all over again, the worse he seemed to feel, the better this thing between us was. His shattered heart and undying love for his wife seemed to be a part of my attraction. I did not fall asleep after drowning my lust. I waited for her to return home the entire night. An hour past dawn she finally came. I sold her a different deal to Mark's, she would be able to continue her business in our fortress with greater rewards for her work. It was like every single deal I had ever closed. I waved what looked like a juice steak in front of a hungry pack of wolfs and came back home in a fur coat.
I laughed to myself half an hour later when Mark told me that he had convinced her to agree. He reminded me of the saying "you can't have everything."
This will sound selfish and terribly egoistic, but all I lack is a heart and redeeming qualities beyond honesty. Know me for long enough and you will know it to be true.
Shortly after Mark's alleged great speech we packed the remaining food and headed up and past the hill. Beyond the stretch of the city the Smooth awaited. We loaded the van and got in and then home to go over our accomplishments over the last couple of days.
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#34 User is offline   Just your average movie goer Icon

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Posted 27 January 2005 - 06:32 AM

You're hard on yourself, mate. It's still good. My only concern is that the Lightbringer seems to solely assault and murder women. Now, I understand that he's not a good guy ~ however, I think he needs to kill some men to balance it out... because it makes the story have a very misogynistic undertone. Just my advice. Anyway, good work.
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#35 User is offline   Icey Icon

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Posted 27 January 2005 - 06:38 AM

Oh, he slashed up the guards real good too, those were male, even though I didn't point it out, which in hind sight I maybe should have. Thanks for the comment MG. smile.gif
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Posted 27 January 2005 - 08:19 AM

Ah, okay. That's good then... not that he's killing guys, I mean. But that he isn't singleling out female victims. Anyway, apart from that, no problems.
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Posted 28 January 2005 - 11:14 AM

The only critisisim I can give is the overuse of the word "door" in the first line. Otherwise it was excellent. Can't wait to see what happens.
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#38 User is offline   Icey Icon

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Posted 28 January 2005 - 03:00 PM

Holy crap! I only see that now! It looks like something I wrote when I was eight years old... only in English and with proper spelling. Hot damn! Thanks for pointing that out for me Sime.
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#39 User is offline   Icey Icon

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Posted 01 February 2005 - 03:08 PM

I apoligize for part 6 and it is horrible and utter shit, I will edit it later on, especially if there's a chance of me getting this published. Onto Part 7:

Halfway there Mark spoke out, "is the village far from here?"
"We are about halfway there, Mark." Masquarade answered him, still in disguise and not leaving his role for a second. "But a village is a bit of an understatement. It is more of a fortress."
"Fortress Major?" At the start of our drive he had convinced Mark that he was the Major in the military of one of the lesser countries of our times. His lies worked like magic. Sometime I wonder about Masquarade's words, that honesty is his only redeeming quality. During the Masquarade he changes identies without effort whenever he deems it's a good move. A part of me believes that he believes that he is whomever's name he flags at a time. Or maybe he's the hallmark of dishonesty. It's not a topic we had conversed about or propably ever would.
"Yes, it is built as a fortress, a bit like the castles of the middle ages. We have protective walls to ward off unwanted visitors, there are horrible people out there." Saying those last words he looked at me and smiled.
"So it is an independent colony on the same land that Mon&Theo are letting people to set up new lives."
"Do not insult us by likening our home to that of those lying dogs!" 'The Major' half stood up and bent forward over Mark, the Smooth drove over a rock and he fell back on his arse. "We are not in the business of lying to people and shackling them up to work for no other reason but the power to be able to do so! They are facist pigdogs."
Mark blushed, "sorry." It was then that it dawned on me that maybe he didn't stick to his wife solely out of love. Maybe, and that was a miniature maybe, there were insects with more of a backbone than him.
"Don't think incorrectly again, Mark. We might have to shoot you." Patric said from the front seat and grinned, seeing Mark's reaction he quickly pointed out the obvious. It would be easy using him as a pawn.

The gate opened and the Smooth rolled into our fort. We showed Mark and his wife to their new home and making a few adjustments with the men, finding needy men with something to offer a woman struck by a lust more human than anything. I knew it would utterly shatter Mark's hopes and it would be entertaining seeing if he'd break or bend to his wife's wants. Torment of the soul was my drug of choice.
Afterwards we, the dozen, marched off to a meeting room to go over what info Masquarade and I had gathered. I pulled out the torn and crumbled building plan, showed how they were planning or actually were digging undergroundpassages all around the place. Secret places that would be sealed and transferred now that I had cocked up and been detected. Atleast we now had a clue about one of their schemes, plus a handy guide to safe places some time into the future if building times were not rotated. Partially our survival required the Count's assurance that someone within the city had broken into his mansion. We would send Bull to fix that problem later that day. Our minds were at rest before the sun made it's appearence again.
Masquarade's trip had been more fruitfull, he had brought back a map from a cartographer working for the Count and various tidbits of info of different levels of importance. A couple of young VIPs were expected within a month. Propably replacement advisors, to help with the implementing of thoughtless obediance. An offset printing apparatus was being packed and shipped overseas, propably to fix the lack og newspapers. It had been a rather obvious hole in the new world's existance, absolutely no media. We would have to pull something like this too. Then there was also something that caught my personal fancy. The Great Wave of Katagawa was being shipped to the Count's mansion.
It wasn't something the Count would know how to appreciate or even like. It could only be some kind of a message or something.
For those that have not had the pleasure to view this beautiful piece of art, it captures the brute power of nature as a wave towers over a fishing boat. The wave itself has made countless appearances in the graphic medium, be they posters, paintings or comic books. It has even appeared in Tintin, the most well known comic of it's cultural area and time. Given a chance, I would make the wave disappear.

Our meeting was soon concluded after that, some of the others would be archiving the information along with comparing it to what was news here and the old world. Bull had set up a connection net that would let us browse the information pool safe and sound as long as we did nothing sensitive. It was nice having another line to hold onto in our secluded home.
Turning on my home terminal, I checked on the Great Wave. It was not nearly as stunning on my monitor as it was when I had it in front of me. Yet it was beautiful.
I just couldn't understand why it was coming to this land! There were no galleries, the Count was a people person and this was working class scum... There were no hidden meanings in that print, only the raw force of nature captured in a single moment. I turned off my terminal and Ash walked in, "evening Ash."
"You look different now than before you left to the city. Is it the woman?" Ash asked, not bothering with formalities. I could sense in his voice that it was all curiousity, no aggression.
I smirked as I answered him, "she's apart of it."
"I had thought your heart had died long ago, Lightbringer."
"Ash, I am an addict, and she has the effect that I can easily get a doze of it whenever I want." I paused at him and checked if he was following me. "I want nothing to do with her more than I have to. Her husband on the other hand..."
I left the line hanging there, Ash looked wounded. "You are a sick demented man."
"I know Ash, calling me human is a very long stretch. You can take solace in the fact that I have found no pleasure from your torment. Only respect and admiration." I grabbed him by the shoulders. "You are stronger than anyone I know or will ever have the pleasure of knowing. I am glad that I've never been or seen your dark side."
He lightly nodded as to tell me he had heard me. "It would be interesting seeing your good side once."
My grin grew, "one of the twins is always evil."
Ash gabed in surprise, "you're a twin?"
"Not to my knowledge, I just said that to jostle you a bit. My apologies."
"It's ok, that's just very unlike you."
I took Ash by the shoulder and walked with him outside and to the peer. The ocean sparkled like a sand of diamonds in the moonlight and sang soothingly. "I feel our fate changing Ash, do you feel it."
He shook his head, "no, if anything, I feel like I've strayed off the path of fate and am now lost."
"The idle time at home, doing nothing but handiwork and training?"
Ash nodded, "I lack real missions, personal accomplishments."
"It will take time, move our hand too quickly and we'll show them our full deck. We can't afford that yet, but you are doing fantasticly here. Your time will come, as all things, it is inevitable."

On that note I left him to meet with Mark. I met his wife in the doorway and greeted her with a nod, she had a satisfied smile on her face. I entered and found Mark sitting on the bottom of a cold shower crying uncontrollably. The sound made my trousers uncomfortable to wear, so I shed my clothes and entered the shower.
He was my crack cocaine and it was time to light my pipe.
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Posted 01 February 2005 - 07:12 PM

Yeah, that's a definite improvement over the last chapter. And it was nice to have a little bit of a character moment between Lightbringer and Ash at the end of it. Good work, mate.
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#41 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 02 February 2005 - 12:38 AM

Hmmm very byblical indeed. I think using the term lightbringer did go a tad over the top though, and as I recall Michael was the leader of the heavenly host, and not Gabriel. Gabriel is the angel of the anunciation, and the other two of the four main byblical angels loyal to god were Raphael and Uziel. Azrael, Sandolphon and Metatron complete the order of the seven who stand before the throne of God (eight before the fall of Lucifer Morningstar).... But I digress.

I'm rather curious as to where you'll take this now that the fallen have escaped their confinement. Over all I very much enjoy the story but I find that the escape from hell, or the asylum, was a bit too quick to illicit any manner of response. It's one thing to put a character into a precarious situation but you have to give them a spot of motivation and it can't seem too easy. That's my only real complaint. Anyhow, keep it up, for some reason the term "oppressor of the mall" just made me laugh, and I'm really liking this.

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#42 User is offline   Icey Icon

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Posted 02 February 2005 - 03:17 AM

Thanks for the comments smile.gif

I'm far from knowing anything about 'the teachings' as I'm more interested in polytheistic religions, so the Biblical connections are what I remember from TV tongue.gif still, this is great info that saves me resource if and when I edit all of this mess. The reason for using this and not just going all unconnected is twofold. One, my friend pointed me at a link where someone makes the point that Lucifer and Jesus are one and the same by quoting the new Testament (Alpha and the Omega, the lightbringer and the Morningstar or something similiar) and the tale of Lucifer is truly the greatest story of a minion's fall ever told.

I also really do agree with you on the escape from the Asylum (that was not going to be a metaphor of hell, I'm saving that for something much bigger innocent.gif ), I made a bad call there. It was not going to be a very tough task for them and not a danger to them. But it was rushed and that's ugly and inexcusable.

And on the motivational point, I'm getting to that very soon.

Thank you all for reading and commenting again, it really means a lot to me, and I do hope you will continue enjoying my little tale.
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#43 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 02 February 2005 - 03:07 PM

Hey no problem, this is some really good stuff and we've all got to do our part to encourage the writers around here. It's really cool to see people actually writing serious fiction here and thats something I definately want to help along.

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#44 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 04 February 2005 - 09:16 AM

I've never heard much about the angels, or the fall. All the religious education at school was based around the more well known parts of the bible. I remember asking about it once, and the RE teacher didn't eve know where the information was written. I tried reading Paradise Lost once. I think I got through two entire sentences before giving up. It was well beyond my understanding of English. I wish they would rewrite things like that in normal English. It doesn't have to rhyme. I mean, trying to write a story in poetry was a stupid idea in the first place. When I read Dante's Inferno it had a synopsis at the start of every chapter. Thats the only reason I understood what was happening. But I'm geting distracted here, so if anybody could point me to some good sources, it would be appreciated.

Your were right, Icey. This chapter is much better then the last. Struck me as more organised and thought out. It flows a lot better, and to be honest I like the interactions between the advisors. It's good to flesh their characters out.
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#45 User is offline   Icey Icon

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Posted 06 February 2005 - 04:26 PM

I'm taking up just linking to the stories because... I don't really have a reason. Well for editing abilities maybe.

http://www.deviantar...ation/14900721/

Enjoy. smile.gif It's great getting comments folk. I am very thankful.
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