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The Lord of London second in the London Nights Trilogy

#1 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 14 January 2005 - 12:51 AM

I'm posting the second book first because I want to see if the story can stand alone and be interesting. I also find that the first one is kind of plodding and too focused on the main character whereas this one is more plot motivated. If people like Chris well enough I'll post the first. It's a silly way of doing things but if I stopped being erratic and eccentric that would be rather odd considering I've made a habit of it... Well, enjoy.

The Lord of London: Chapter 1 by J. M. Hoffman

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#2 User is offline   Just your average movie goer Icon

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Posted 14 January 2005 - 07:48 AM

Very good, mate. I am impressed and gripped. I really like the premise of this story - a mortal vampire hunter taking lordship over all the vampires in London.

I'm also wondering if Boudicca is supposed to be the lady of the same name who fought the romans in Britain nearly two thousand years ago. Interesting if she was - and her last name is that of King Arthur.

The social commentary about the modern world is very good also. If I didn't know who was writing this story, I would have figured it out when Simon went to Palestine. wink.gif

You had a very nice piece of dialogue in there too - "The wolf will become the shephard." That line has a lot of class. A very beautiful line that I'm sure people who read this novel would love to quote.

Overal comment - it's strong stuff, quite involving and you really establish this dark underworld in a very convincing manner. I could really picture it.

Also, it doesn't seem to require the first book to stand on its own. So you succeeded there.

Lastly, I really liked that part when they read the real note Simon had written. That was a nice touch of laughter at the end of the chapter. It's good to have humour in stories, no matter how dark they may become.

Really good work, mate. I look forward to seeing the rest of it.
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#3 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 14 January 2005 - 08:37 AM

I'm a too tired at the moment to give your chapter the attention it deserves. As such, expect a comment in the near future wink.gif
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#4 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 14 January 2005 - 01:44 PM

Movie Goer- that is most excellent news, it means I've done all that I set out to do with this story. The first novel will likely be posted after I post as much of this one as I feel comfortable posting. And as for you pointing out Simon I'm glad you caught that. Simon plays a fairly large role in the first novel and he's going to have his own story told soon. I wove his history into that of various revolutions around the world and even did research on Hamas to see if I couldnt place him around Gaza when they were founded. He's one of my favorite characters. Chapter 2 will be up soon.

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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#5 User is offline   Just your average movie goer Icon

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Posted 14 January 2005 - 10:20 PM

Looking forward to it. smile.gif
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#6 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 15 January 2005 - 12:47 AM

Ok chapter two is incoming, but first let me post the individual link to CH1, this is the link to use if you want to read 1 without having to scroll a lot.

Chapter 1: The Lord of London

and here is 2

Chapter 2

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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Posted 16 January 2005 - 08:58 AM

I'm battling through the second chapter now. It's very long for a single chapter though. Personally, I like a chapter to be long enough to be engaging but short enough to finish in a five or ten minute sitting.

However, I do like what I've read so far. It's an interesting premise of getting a warrior and putting him in a position where he needs to prevent a war.

I will read the rest of it soon but my eyes are really tired today so it won't be tonight.

Anyway, good work.
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#8 User is offline   Jordan Icon

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Posted 16 January 2005 - 10:35 AM

*steals the first two chapter, stamps copyright on them, places contract on JM's life.

hi.
Oh SMEG. What the smeggity smegs has smeggins done? He smeggin killed me. - Lister of Smeg, space bum
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#9 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 16 January 2005 - 10:59 AM

I've read the first chapter and I quite like the premise. MG has beaten me to the most of it, but I have to say I quite like where it's going. Sure, I want some more background, but that will come in the later/earlier novel, correct?

I'm curious as to when you wrote this, as it seems different to your usual work. The sentences are longer, and seem a bit clumsier. For example with "Suddenly it dawned on me that he was speaking of me." the repitition of the word 'me' halts the flow of the sentence.

I'll read the second chapter at a later date, as I'm too tired at the moment. I'm glad that I came to the screening room a bit earlier tonight so that I wouldn't be too tired to read the first chapter. Good job.
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#10 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 16 January 2005 - 11:42 PM

Sime- This is written circa turn of the Millennium. You can tell because the Intifadah was still young. The older book (the first one) actually looks better than this because it's been edited. I intend to look over the second novel soon.

JYAMG- Oh yeah I rather noticed that, not sure what I was on when I wrote this. Actually if you find a place where I could split it up tell me so and I'll do that because I know it needs it.

Jordan- Thanks for that semi-review... thing... yeah.

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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Posted 17 January 2005 - 05:13 AM

If I was writing this, I think I probably would have put a chapter break after the incident outside the house with the young vampires.

Then you can have the meeting that followed afterwards in the next chapter.

What do you think?
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#12 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 17 January 2005 - 10:23 AM

Midway through the second chapter now. It's good stuff. Like MG said though, its a bit of a hike to get through it all at once. I quite like Algoreth's dilema at the start. To follow his Lord's orders that may lead to chaos, or to instigate chaos to preserve the order. Nicely done.
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#13 User is offline   Icey Icon

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Posted 17 January 2005 - 11:05 AM

Finally got around to reading this, and I must say that I will be interested in seeing where you will take us. My only beef is that in the beginning I felt like I was forcefed information, but found it forgivable because of the perspective.
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#14 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 18 January 2005 - 02:13 AM

tlol ch3 This is the latter half of CH2. I took JYAMG's advice and split it up and also for your reading pleasure here's a whole new chapter.Chapter 4

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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Posted 18 January 2005 - 10:51 AM

Good stuff, mate. I'm glad you split the chapter. It's a lot more manageable now. However, no offence intended, I think you should try to edit these chapters before putting them up. They're all a little wordy and some of the sentences are clumsy. There's also a few cases where there's too much information.

The story is good, with an interesting premise and an involving delivery. The sentences just need a bit of a trim, that's all. Also, I think it'd be a little easier to read if you made sure that your paragraphs ended with the end of one sentence.

For some reason, I'm seeing half a sentence at the end of one paragraph and the other half at the start of the next one. It's a little irritating to the eye and also it makes it difficult to find places to pause.

Anyway, enough of the criticisms. I think you've got some good stuff in there. I especially like the depth of this underworld you've created. It's very convincing.
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