[J m HofMarN]

I did a horrible job editing this book, you're right. I really only put spaces between paragraphs after a set number of lines and didn't have time to choose where the locate them. As for the lengthy and clumsy sentences that's something I've noticed as an especial problem with some of my earlier novels and I do intend to edit it all (or rather hire someone) when I have a chance.

[J m HofMarN]

Here's chapter five, wherein the action gets even better and I end it with a major teaser. I've also edited it so the sentences end with the paragraphs and the indentation isnt just random. Yay!

Chapter 5

[Just your average movie goer]

Really good work, there. Chapter Five is the easily the best of them so far and the best written. You've really settled into your style here - everything is of a more consistent standard. The dialogue is good, the sentences are more direct and conservative. There's a number of really good lines in there too.

And the ending of the chapter was very strong. We have a very important piece of drama and suspense exactly where it was needed. It couldn't have been better timed.

Oh, and I can't say I feel sorry for Boudicca either.

Good work, mate.

[J m HofMarN]

Yeah she tended to be a bit of a tool, though really her contemptible child was the one who got it the worst. I think its kind of a theme in this novel, and the trilogy as a whole, that this character is dealing with his past which keeps coming back at him. This is seen also in the dealings of the elder vampires with the young ones, and by the end of the second installment you're going to see a much different group of blood drinkers running things, and a much different tone I think.

[Just your average movie goer]

Which will show that Chris actually changed things for the better. I'm looking forward to it, mate.

[J m HofMarN]

Chapter six, attack!

CH6

[Just your average movie goer]

Wow. It's all happening now. A splendidly exciting and quite eventful chapter. Good work, mate. It'll be exciting to see what happens next.

[J m HofMarN]

Great to hear, so you don't have any questions about the backstory yet? That's definately a good sign. If theres anything you're curious about though tell me and I'll try to answer that question in the text when I rewrite it.

[Just your average movie goer]

The backstory seems to slowly flesh its way out over all the chapters and works very nicely. It feels quite natural... like it's just part of the convincing world you've created that gives the main story its depth.

So if your goal with this novel is to see if it can stand alone, I think you've succeeded in that.

[Slade]

I haven't read the novel yet, but as always, I will offer my editing services free of charge (if I like you, otherwise it's 10% book sales (kidding!)). I am an anal perfectionist hidden behind a laid back lazy guy, but do to my passion for language, I can edit the fuck out of anything you give me. Editing "fuck" out is your job though. Comments as soon as I read it.

[J m HofMarN]

Slade- I might just take you up on that. This novel needs a good bit of editing for grammar and horrendous mistakes, but the story as far as I can tell is good.

[J m HofMarN]

And here's chapter 7, the second to last chapter I'll be posting. Chapter 7

[Just your average movie goer]

Well, well, well. The showdown with Chris and Livia. That was a splendidly exciting chapter and no mistake.

It wasn't just that the fight was exciting but the build-up you created before it began was very tense. You set up a big climactic scene here and it delivered in no small way.

Very well done. Bring on the finale!

[J m HofMarN]

That's marvelous to hear. Also, did the fact that Septimus was behind this come as a bit of a surprise or did it always seem rather obvious? Septimus will get his in the next chapted so I was just kind of wondering. I think the ending will be a bit of a surprise, since I try to keep at least some of the plot from being very obvious.

[Just your average movie goer]

I was surprised. So that's one reader already.

I think you're doing a good job with the surprises. The editing needs some work. But the plot is intricate and the story is generally well told.