[Lord Aquaman]

[Frodo, Sam, Pippin and Merry sitting around the campfire]
PIPPIN: "You know, I was talking to this guy once, and he told me we shouldn't smoke pipeweed 'cause it'll give us throat cancer. Do you think that's true?"
MERRY: "Nah... they just don't want us smoken' pipeweed 'cause they know it makes strapping young hobbits like us randy."
SAM: "Doesn't pretty much EVERYTHING make us randy?"
FRODO: "Evil rings of power make me randy. And orc armor. And spider webbing."
SAM: "You've got some strange fetishes, Mr. Frodo."

[Aragorn & Arwen singing]
ARWEN: "Tonight, tonight, it all began tonight... I saw you and the world went away."
ARAGORN: "Today, all day I had the feeling a miracle would happen, I know now I was right."
A & A together: "For here you are, and what was once a world is a-"
ELROND [off camera]: "Would you two SHUT UP?! I'm trying to conduct important council meetings up here!"

GRIMA: "You weary your king with your war mongoring!"
EOMER: "War mongoring? War mongoring?! Now look you, my cousin's half dead! My uncle's turned into a creepy old zombie! My 32-year old sister's going through adolescent trauma! I'm hot, I'm sweaty, I'm tired, and I'm saddle soar from riding around slaying orcs and Urak-hai and I haven't had a decent bath in 3 MONTHS! Don't mess with me!"
PETER JACKSON: "Cut, cut! Eomer, what was up with the method acting there?"
EOMER: "I was just going with my feelings, man."

DENETHOR: "Do you know the muffin man, Faramir?"
FARAMIR: "Yes, I know the muffin man."
DENETHOR: "Well, I hear that blonde you've been seeing is promised in marriage to the muffin man."
FARAMIR: "She's promised to the muffin man? How can she be promised to the muffin man?! She's a princess for crying out loud!"

[The Rohhirm happen upon a bridge run by a creepy looking dude en route to Gondor]
CREEPY GUY: "Ye who wish to pass must answer me these questions 3!"
THEODEN: "Okay, I'll answer your-"
EOMER: "No, you are the king, we cannot risk you dying before the 2nd climax. I'll do it."
THEODEN: "No, we can't let you do it, you have to survive."
EOMER: "Then who'll do it?"
ROHAN RIDER #1: "How about him?" [pointing to Eowyn, disguised as a man]
EOWYN [speaking in fake deep voice]: "Who me?"
ROHAN RIDER #1: "Yes you. All in favor?"
ROHIRRIM: "Aye!"
RR #1: "All opposed?" [no response]
THEODEN: "Very well then, you shall go forth and answer the five questions-"
EOMER: "Three questions."
THEODEN: "Three questions as best you can. We shall wait here, watch, and pray for you."
EOWYN [deep fake voice]: "Uh... yes my liege." [Eowyn rides forward and confronts the bridge man]
CREEPY GUY: "What is your name?"
EOWYN [fake voice]: "Dernholm of Rohan." [whispering in normal voice] "Eowyn of Rohan."
CREEPY GUY: "What is your quest or immediate goal?"
EOWYN: "To fight before the wall of Gondor."
CREEPY GUY: "What is your favorite color?"
EOWYN: "White."
CG: "Alright, off you go."
EOWYN: "Oh. Thank you. Thank you very much." [Eowyn rides out across the bridge; the Rohhirm look stunned]
RR#1: "That's it?! That's easy!" [RR#1 rides forward confidently]
CG: "What is your name?"
RR#1: "I have no name, I'm just an extra. My friends call me Gary though."
CG: "What is your quest or immediate goal?"
RR#1: "To fight before the wall of Gondor."
CG: "What... is the capital of Asyeria?"
RR#1: "Huh? I don't know that!" [the rider is propelled off the ground by an invisible force and disappears over the chasm that the bridge oversees]
THEODEN: "I'm not gonna take that lying down! King Arthur wouldn't have taken that lying down! Captain Kirk wouldn't have taken that lying down!" [Theoden rides forward with Eomer following behind]
CG: "What is your name?"
T: "Theoden, King of Rohan!"
CG: "What is your quest or immediate goal?"
T: "To thwart the orc army invading Gondor!"
CG: "What... is the air speed velocity of an unladen Fell Beast?"
T: "Well that depends. Is it an African Fell Beast or a European Fell Beast?"
CG: "Huh? I don't know that." [CG is knocked off the ground by the same invisible force and falls into the chasm]
EOMER: "How did you know so much about Fell Beasts?"
THEODEN: "Well you have to know these things when you're king, you know." [the rest of the Rohhirm ride out across the bridge]

More to come in the near future.

[Just your average movie goer]

Sam - We better hurry. The black gate is almost closed.

Frodo - I do not ask you to come with me, Sam.

Sam - I know. I doubt even these elvish cloaks will hide us in there.

Frodo - Ready? 1, 2 -

Gollum - NO! Don't go that way!

Frodo - What the hell's up with you?

Gollum - Don't go that way!

Sam - Why not?

Gollum - Because it's a STUPID idea!


....


Gollum - Master must go inside the tunnel.

Frodo - Now that I'm here, I'm not sure I want to.

Gollum - It is the only way. Go in or go back.

Frodo (turning around) - Okay.


....

Eomer - How long since Saruman bought you? What was the promised price?

Grima - Er... about $3.50.


....

Elrond (speaking in Elvish) - Do I not also have your love?

Arwen (speaking in Elvish) - You have my love, father.

Elrond - Then please don't marry my surrogate son.


....


Eowyn - Where is she? The woman who gave you that jewel?

Aragorn - She is sailing into the undying lands with all that is left of her kin.

Eowyn (looking hopeful) - So you're single then?


....


Boromir - My father is a noble man.

Aragorn (suddenly laughing) - Who... Denethor? Oh, come on.

Boromir - Sorry. I mean, sometimes I like to pretend my father is a noble man.


....


(A large urak-hai warrior charges towards Merry and Pippin, raising his axe high in the air, ready to deliver the killing blows)

The said urak-hai warrior - Two alive and unspoiled halflings coming up!

[Just your average movie goer]

Saruman comes out onto his balcony, wondering what all the noise is, and sees the Ents demolishing Isengard.

Saruman (shaking his fist) - Hey you damn kids! Get out of my yard!

[Lord Aquaman]

Things the LOTR characters would never say.

FRODO: "Ow... this ring of power is heavy... hey Sam, could you carry it for a while?"

GANDALF: "Do you think I need to shave?"

ELROND: "Why do you insist on calling me Agent Smith? Who is this Agent Smith?"

SARUMAN: "I would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for you meddling kids!"

GRIMA: "Eowyn, I apologize for stalking you."

THEODEN: "Perhaps I should write out my will in case I don't survive the invasion of middle earth..."

DRUNK GIMLI: "Hey Legs, maybe it's the rum talking, but I love you, you big prissy elf pretty boy."
DRUNK LEGOLAS: "I love you too Gimli, you filthy little dwarf man you."

EOWYN: "I'm easy, but I'm not cheap."

ARAGORN: "You know, it's good to be the king."

RIDERS OF ROHAN [Singing off key]: "In war, we're tough and able! Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable! We do our best to fight with zest and impersonate Clark Gable! It's a busy life in Rohan-a-lot!"
STABLE BOY [Singing off key]: "I have to wash my hands-a-lot!"

GALADRIEL: "Does this angelic white dress make my butt look fat?"
CELEBORN: "No, of course not. It makes it look... ethereal."
GALADRIEL: "Aw, you're so sweet even after all these centuries..."

SAM: "Mr. Frodo, I love you but not in that way."

EOMER: "God I'm saddle soar..."

SAURON: "On second thought, lets not invade Gondor. It is a silly place ruled by a silly man."

BOROMIR: "Why's the rum gone?"

FARAMIR: "Dad?"
DENETHOR: "Yes?"
FARAMIR: "Up yours, ya [BLEEP]!"

MERRY: "Pipeweed, Pippy?"
PIPPIN: "No thanks, I'm trying to quit. And don't call me Pippy."

ARWEN: "Aragorn, promise me you won't give in to the temptation of any lonely, sexually repressed blonde women."
ARAGORN: "I promise."
ARWEN: "Say it like you mean it."
ARAGORN: "I did say it like I meant it. I'm not supposed to be overly emotional you know."
ELROND: "Don't worry, Aragorn's not a cheater. As a wise man once said, 'Know thy self.' And that man's name..." [looking over at Legolas] "Was tater nuts!"
ARWEN [waves]: "Oh hi tater nuts."
ARAGORN [affectionately]: "Tater nuts..."
LEGOLAS: "Hey, stop calling me tater nuts! Just because I shave my legs it doesn't make me any less masculine!"

GOLLUM: "It wasn't me! It was the precious!"
FRODO: "It's always the precious with you, isn't it Gollum? Look you have to stop blaming everything on the precious and start taking some responsibility for yourself!"
GOLLUM: "D'oh... stupid precious!"

This post has been edited by Lord Aquaman: 03 January 2005 - 12:41 PM

[Vwing]

Sauruman: Whom do you serve?
Lurtz: Ar-a-gorn.
Sauruman: Goddammit. Fine let's try again.

Sauron (through palantir): Build me an army worthy of Mordor.
Sauruman: What?
Sauron: Ahem. Build me an army worthy of Mordor.
Sauruman: I'm sorry I can't hear you.
Sauron: Oh, um, hold on. Service across middle earth my ass. Ok can you hear me now?
Sauruman: Perfect.
Saruon: Good!

Eowyn: I'm going to save you!
Theoden: You already have, Luke. You were right. You were right about me. Tell your sister you were right.
Eowyn: Um, who's Luke? What are you talking about?
Theoden: Oh, isn't this the deaths scene from Return of the Jedi?
Eowyn: No, it's from Return of the King!
Theoden: Eh. Same thing.

Boromir: I would have followed you to the end my brother. My captain. My king.
(Long pause)
Boromir: Hah, just kidding, hail Denethor, Steward of Gondor!
Aragorn: Why you little! *decapitates Boromir*

Frodo: You're forgetting the chief character! Samwise the Brave. Frodo wouldn't have got far without Sam.
Sam: Now mister Frodo, you shouldn't make fun, I was being serious.
Frodo: Oh, really? Heh, uh, then yeah, just talk about me, you don't really do anything.

Legolas: The eye of the enemy is moving.
Aragorn: What you mean that lighthouse?
Legolas: No, it's the Great Eye, all should fear it.
Aragorn: Why the hell should I be scared of a lighthouse? That's ridiculous. You know what, I thought it was like some big scary Dark Lord we were fighting that I needed to summon the men of the mountain for, but now that I see it's just a stupid little lighthouse, you guys can probably handle it yourselves.
Legolas: Can we at least keep Anduril, you know, just in case.
Aragorn: Uh...no.

[Despondent]

good responses. Vwing got the most