[J m HofMarN]

Making you sound intelligent isn't that difficult of a task Slade, you do it well enough on your own.

[Slade]

Well, as long as I can fake it well...

[electricprune]

Pardon me for being irritating and whiney, but "What about my story?" Is it that unappealing/intimidating because it's in a big word document? It really doesn't take all that long to read, the format is just unwieldy, file size. Or did you read it and were so unable to find constructive criticism that you just ignored it?

Ok. I'm done. I don't mean to be too much of a jerk here, I'd just like to see other people's opinions of my work.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'm just lazy Slade. I'm one of those annoying "skimmers" and have a tendency not to read the whole thread. I have a tendency to just comment on whatever comes to mind. I did have a chance to read it today and was quite impressed. The erotic robot Helga was brilliant.

I know, we all like attention dear fellow. Didn't mean to overlook your fine work.

[Just your average movie goer]

I'd like to say two things to our mutual friend, JM...

Welcome back, mate.

and

Thank you for a very nice literary review of my story. It was fun for me, and I'm sure for Slade as well, to read our feedback in the format of something more akin to a book review in a good magazine. Once again, I am glad you enjoyed it.

[Slade]

Hooray! Thanks, glad you liked it. It would be nice to see the Rabbit show up again though...

[J m HofMarN]

Not a problem at all Movie Goer, reviews from people like you and Slade have kept me going through bad spots in my career(now that's a wild exageration) so I'm happy to reciprocate.

[SimeSublime]

Research shows that my story is not feasible. As such, I'll turn it around. Yeah, that aughta work. Now I just have to write the damn thing.

[Mad Rabbit]

Sorry I've been gone for so long folks! My computer got fried and I didn't have the funds to get it repaired right away! It looks like there's been some action in this thread as of late! I haven't had time to properly look over the new submissions as of yet, but I can't wait to read them when I get the time to go over them fully. Just dropping you a line that I haven't abandoned the forums.

[SimeSublime]

Hmmm, although I love reading, I'm remebering now that I find writing to be quite the chore. A pity really.

[Slade]

Uh... feasability has nothing to do with the Tales of Martin Chuzzlewit, unless you want it to. I had a satyr detective and robot from the erotic fiction genere as the first two characters in the narrative...

But if you really dislike writing, then we can't force you to do it.

[J m HofMarN]

Welcome back Rabbit, and welcome to my quotes Slade.

[Just your average movie goer]

But if you really dislike writing, then we can't force you to do it.

What are you talking about, Slade?

We CAN force you to write, Sime. And what's more, we WILL.

(ackward silence)

Okay, you're right. We've got nothing. It was just a big bluff.

[SimeSublime]

Well, thats not quite true. I hate starting things. As long as I have momentum, it's usually allright. Just getting started. I have an idea, but I'd much rather watch Scrubs is the thing. But I said I'll make one, and I really do want to contribute, so I'll see what I can do...after Scrubs.

Oh, and welcome back Rabbit. After my little rant, I hope you don't feel like me and do keep up with the story.

This post has been edited by SimeSublime: 10 January 2005 - 10:06 AM

[J m HofMarN]

I figure since I didnt put any limit on how many stories people could contribute and neither of my fellow erotic science fiction enthusiasts have chimed in (jacques and Anon Blonde) I'm going to have a crack at that idea, and let this be a lesson to the rest of you that its acceptable to post multiple stories. And now here it is...

Martin Chuzzlewit and the erotic space pirates!

"You're not pirates!" I stated certainly.

"But we are." Said the slug woman who was slowly baring her primary carapace to me.

"You kidnapped me for no reason and didn't even rob me!" I shouted. This was quite true. I had tried to tell them that I was on a very important mission to Wmtnchkw to teach the native Wmtnchkws about nouns but they didn't buy it. My house had been boarded by a motley crew who my family and I assumed to be space pirates. We fully expected a lengthy battle with lazers and phasers and tasers and possibly razors. Instead they took over our stereo system and jammed "Welcome to the Jungle" while they dragged our confuzzled selves off.

"We took you prisoner. That's what erotic space piracy is all about- seducting people. We're going to have alien sex with you and then you'll become one of us." She said.

"Ok, listen... Sorry I didn't catch your name while you were dragging me kicking and screaming after the razor battle." I said, trying to be civil despite my situation.

"My name is Arzelhat." She said putting a sultry tone in her voice as she smeered green gel over her already moist Andrewjackson glands.

"Ok. Arzelhat. Listen, I'm sure you're a very nice... slug... thing. But you're not a pirate. Pirates don't just drag people from ships and have sex with them. Do you drink grog? Say "Yahr" or loot ships?" I asked sensibly.

"Well... No." She answered with a frown.

"So all you do is pretty much just beat people up and have sex with them?" I continued my inquisition.

"We like to dance sensually." She said with a winning smile spreading over her putara, which combined with her words sent a shiver up my spine.

"Ok. Aside from that?" I said as I tried to keep the look of disgust off my face.

"Well... Yes that really is just about all we do." She said, crestfallen.

"Then you're nothing but a bunch of dastardly space rapists." I smirked in victory as I spoke.

"We are not!" She protested in a flustrated manner. "We only make love to people we capture from our piracy."

"But you don't pirate anything! All you do is go about molesting innocent travelers. You're bloody galactic sex preditors!" I cried.

"No we're not! We're pirates! Look, we have wanted posters!" She shoved a bunch in my face, which were inexplicably written in English and I began to read them. They all had "Pirates" written on them in red paint which was obviously an addition the original writers had not intended. I started reading off the charges. "Sexual predation. Illegal stimulation of Andrewjackson glands. Sexual assault. Statutory rape. Sex with inanimate object. Sex with inanimate object. Lude conduct with inanimate object. Public display of affection for inanimate object. Corruption of a housecat. Corruption of an inanimate object. Rape. Rape. Rape. Rape. Rape. Space rape. Galactic rape. Improper acts involving Uillumma openings. Sodomizing the prime minister of Rogel Alpha. Captial wibbling with a minor. Capital wibbling with an or miner. Aggravated sexual assault on peebles. Agravated sexual assault on peebles pupae. Sodomizing the prime minister of Rogel Alpha a second time..." I looked at her in utter disgust as she pointed to where she had painted on the word "Piracy."

"Nice." I said.

She smiled and nodded. "We're pirates!"

"I bet the prime minister of Rogel Alpha dosn't think so." I said dryly.

Suddenly a squid like creature entered and asked why I wasnt being erotic yet.

"Because I utterly dislike space rapists." I replied.

"But we have many alluring things to entice you. You can't hold out forever." Said Azelhat sensuously.

"Like what!?" I cried. "You're a bloody slug and your friend has more tentacles than I have hairs on my head. What could possible lure me to do anything uncouth with either of you and how would we even manage given our different physical structures. Are we all even carbon based here?"

"Well... No. But we have brought things we captured from your house to help to, as they say, get you in the mood." Said the tentacled one as she slithered in what a blind person might have thought was a sexy way.

"Do you mean that you think pornography would send me into some sort of catatonic state of sexual obsession to the point where I would not realize I was being violated by a slug and a fragging octopus!?" I demanded, looking distrustfully as Arzelhat went to a cabinet and began bringing down some items.

"No." She said as she turned around. "We have far more erotic items."

"Like what!?" I asked in annoyance.

Arzelhat then revealed to me that a table had been laden with spam, baseball cards, an Al Gore 2000 campaign button, a copy of Scientology, and some sandpaper. I smacked myself in the face hoping to put a few of my brain cells out of their misery.

"I see you are tempted by the forbidden pleasures of sandpaper." Said the octopus thing.

"I hope this works." Stated Arzelhat. "Otherwise we'll have to use that simulation room that makes them think they're in a barbershop restaurant.

"That's not enticing at all! It's bloody stupid you'd get hair in the food!"

"Oh there wouldn't be any food but you." Said the squid grinning at me and showing her Compaq membrane.

"How is that sexy!!" I demanded.

"If you don't like that idea you must be gay. We have some nude photos of F. Scott Fitzgerald if that would be more to your liking." She said with a grin.

"F. Scott WHO?" I asked. "And I'm not gay, I just don't like interspecies galactic sex." I said with a firm nod.

"But we're so enticing." Said the slug woman as she dripped something on me from her Andrewjackson gland.

"THATS NOT ENTICING!" I yelled. "I probably just got trabies or space lice! Oh god I'm SO taking a shower!" After returning from the ships bathroom I decided to start a new line of conversation.

"Is there any actual non-insane motivation for you doing this?" I inquired, trying to ignore the non-aphrodisiacs allayed on the table.

"Well... Our planet is under-populated, yes that's it." Said madam slug.

"And you believe that it would be easier to conceive by running around the galaxy raping people than by finding a consensual partner on your own world?" I glared at them as I made my point, thinking this was all a terrible inconenience for such a half baked scheme.

"We're pirates, we don't rape people!" Said squiddy defensively.

"Space rapists! Space rapists!" I teased until she ran off in tears.

"Well I hope you're happy!" Scolded Arzelhat. "You've made agsaadfisplofsafasdyfafusafashojadseghaewupughaehnjnhgajwhefpajepihgauehguphaerg
haporihgoiashgajgdkahlksdhgpaiohguiawhpeguanurhgauiwbhfuipahbegpuhtuahwpuihgtpiaw
ehuipawhegpuhnauiwphefuahhuepwhguiapwghap asldhgakshdgajslhjdsahgljashdgajskgnjlaksghdajsklgalgdsjhakghn cry."

I looked at her dumbfounded for a moment at the supidity of that name and then decided to continue on the offensive. "So as I was saying do you have any reason to do this?"

She looked around as if trying to think of something quickly. "Well... there is an asteroid heading for my home planet and human sperm might be able to stop it."

"Do you have any evidence to back up this insane theory? What kind of planet is this if the best solution to a crisis your scientists and government officials can figure up is 'Let's throw gyz at it.'"

"Well, you see, we were thinking that human semen travels really fast and that if we could get enough humans to climax at the same time while aiming at the asteroid it would create a wall of--"

"STOP TALKING!" I pleaded as I clapped my hands over my ears.

Arzelhat sighed as her ridiculously long named colleague returned and asked if there had been any progress.

"Nope." She replied.

"Oh darn, surely my home planet will be destroyed without his love-seed." Said the tentacled one.

"Hey wait I thought it was your home planet that was in peril!" I cried, pointing to the slug with the naked carapace.

"Oh bugger this go get those Cardosian rufies." She yelled to her friend.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 10 January 2005 - 04:49 PM

[Despondent]

that's great J m. What a monster you've created here.

Sorry I haven't contributed. I'm a little like Electric Prune in that I don't read a whole lot, but kind of skim. The imagery outings capture my imagination, but I start to drift off in story posts. This has nothing to do with their being great either. When I was a kid they said I daydreamed a lot. I think now they just say "Attention Deficit Disorder" and medicate. (sigh) I still have trouble focusing. Chuzzlewit thread? I don't have time to post there.

but keep up the good works, everybody. I'll try to work up sump'n soon.