[SimeSublime]

Actually, it was Mad Rabbit who described Chaz as the Anti-James Bond, not myself. And the constant violent rejection has been sort of done to death in 8-bit Theatre. Sure, it seems funny at first, but it grows old fast.

[Slade]

Oddly enough, my story (written before this one) has a character named Chaz... Although he's not an asshole.

Speaking of which, my story is now done. Finally. It's 18 pages long in MS Word Doc format at 12 point Times New Roman font. However, since the only computer with internet acess from home has been out of comission, and my school computer lacks a modem, I can't upload it for you all to read. This is the first time I've been online since Friday morning, and I can't even check my mail. Keep up the good work, Rabbit!

You other people, write your stories and get them up here!

[Mad Rabbit]

Thanks for the kind words Slade! I'm looking forward to your story, I'm sure it won't disappoint!

Well I finally got a rewrite of part 6 that I like! There were many elements in the previous chapter that I did not care for. I didn't intend to make Chaz a complete ass, full of bravado maybe so I toned down his attitude quite a bit, (the sexist part of it anyway). Besides we have enough unlikeable characters in this story so far, and Julie needs to interact with someone oher than complete bastards at some point. I also decided not make him a CIA agent. I thought that he provided to many answers about what was going on too fast, and I really think Julie should be the one to discover the answers to what is happening around her, rather have it explained to her.

I also didn't like the fact Julie was more or less the useless heroine, she did nothing during Chaz's fight with Jason. This is after all her story. One other thing that bugged me after I wrote part 6 was Julie killed Jason in cold blood, and in the back no less. Granted Jason did try to kill her and he did kill Martin, but I don't want to write about a person who goes around shooting people in the back, regardless if they might deserve it or not. I think it makes it harder to sympathize for her. So I should have the rewrite up soon. I think it will be vast improvement,

[Mad Rabbit]

Ok folks, disregard Part 6 and put this in it's place. I like it a lot better and I hope you will as well.

Julie Colton Versus The Albino Gymnastic Death Brigade.

Chaz kept his weapon trained on Jason as he sidestepped towards Julie, who was still breathing heavily from her battle with Jason.

“You O.K., sweetheart?” Chaz asked keeping his aim on Jason.

“Just… fine.” Julie answered between deep breaths.

Jason eyed the pair of them, grinning. He was clearly at a disadvantage, but he remained calm as if he had the upper hand. He reached up to pull something out of his breast pocket.”

“Hey! Keep your hands where they are, asshole!” Chaz shouted at Jason.

“Relax Mr. Brunswick.” Jason said soothingly as he pulled his handkerchief out, waving it to show how harmless it was.

Julie watched Jason dab the wound Martin had given him. Even though Chaz had come to the rescue, seeing Jason act so cool and in control did little to give her any sense of relief. With the craziness surrounding the day, she wasn’t all that sure if Chaz was someone to be trusted, either.

“Mr. Brunswick, may I ask whom you work for?” Jason asked politely.

“The cities finest of course.” Chaz said proudly.

“Since when did they start issuing firemen side arms?”

“The POLICE smartass! I’m a cop!” Chaz growled.

Jason’s smile widened. “A policeman?” He threw his head back laughing. Julie cringed listening to him. “I was almost worried for a minute.” Jason said as he regained his composure.

“We’ll see how funny you’ll think it is, when I put a bullet in your ass.” Chaz said angrily. Jason turned his attention to Julie, Chaz’s threat fell upon deaf ears.

“Julie, it seems that you have the devil’s luck.” Jason said as he put the handkerchief back into his breast pocket. “I was planning on killing you quickly, but with all the trouble you’ve given me today, I think I’ll treat myself and make sure you suffer a world of torment before ending your miserable little life.”

“Hello!” Chaz interjected. “Aren’t you forgetting something? Handsome fella with the big gun aimed at you!” Chaz waved the point of his revolver for added effect.

“Do you mind Chaz? I’m trying to have a conversation with Miss Colton. You are a very rude man.” Jason scolded.

“You got that right numb nuts. Let me show you how rude I can get.” Chaz said as he reached behind his back to produce a pair of handcuffs, which were attached to his belt. “Now we can do this one of two ways, the easy way…”

“…Or the hard way.” Jason finished the sentence rolling his eyes. “Really, must all you macho types speak like that?” Julie herself shook her head embarrassed by Chaz’s tough guy talk.

“That’s how they teach us to speak at hero school.” Chaz answered. “So what’s it going to be? Easy or Hard?” Chaz stepped closer to Jason gun in one hand, cuffs in the other.

“Oh, I think this will be quite easy.” Jason said as he suddenly did a front handspring, kicking Chaz Square in the chest, knocking him into Julie. They both fell to the ground, Chaz landing on top of her.

“Don’t worry babe, I got this under control!” Chaz said as he lay on her back.

“I can see that.” Julie answered sarcastically, pushing his weight off of her.

Chaz struggled to his feet, trying to get a good shot at Jason, only to have his weapon kicked from his hand, sending the revolver flying under a refrigerator filled with energy drinks. The two men now stood face-to-face circling each other. Julie went crawling to safety behind the service desk.

“Mano a mano, eh? I like this dance.” Chaz said as he threw a left hook.

Jason dodged the blow easily, as he did the splits and put his fist into Chaz’s crotch. Chaz doubled over and fell into the fetal position, holding himself.

“That was low.” Chaz said gritting his teeth,

Jason pulled a nasty looking dagger from a sheath concealed under his pant leg at the ankle. “You’ll have to forgive my dirty tactics Mister Brunswick, but a they say, all’s fair in love and war.” Jason grabbed him by the hair, pulling Chaz’s head back to reveal his neck. “Honestly though, I’m ashamed of your performance, Miss Colton put up more of a fight than you have.”

“It ain’t over until the fat lady leaves the buffet line, Jack!” Chaz growled as he suddenly grabbed Jason’s knife arm, sprung to his feet and flipped Jason into some awaiting shelves. Jason fell to the floor, losing grip of his knife as jars of Dolphin Safe Tuna Extract came crashing down around him. Chaz staggered back trying to walk off the pain inflicted from Jason’s blow.

Jason rose from the pile of destroyed health products slowly, while Chaz readied himself for another attack. “Bravo Mister Brunswick, that was a brilliant move. It seems that you won’t disappoint me after all, shall we continue?”

“By all means, let’s!” Chaz agreed.

Chaz threw a wild haymaker to Jason’s head, which was easily avoided. Chaz threw it such force that he stumbled forward when his punch missed its mark. Jason took advantage of the opportunity, grabbing Chaz by the back of his collar and belt, sending Chaz head first into the service counter. Chaz fell face down to the ground, nursing his head as he rolled over onto his back. Jason gave him a vicious kick to the ribs for his effort.

Chaz grimaced as he held tightly to his ribcage, Jason turning his back to search through the rubble of the shelves, which Chaz had thrown him into. Julie came from behind the counter helping Chaz to a sitting position.

“Don’t worry, honey. This is all going to plan.” Chaz forced a smile.

“I’d hate to see what things would be like if they DIDN’T go as planned.” Julie said trying to help Chaz to his feet; his weight was too much for Julie to lift.

“There you are!” Jason said triumphantly as he now stood wielding the knife he dropped. He turned around grinning an evil grin. “Sorry to keep you waiting!”

“Hey, no need to rush on my account.” Chaz said, his back against the service desk.

Julie crawled backwards on her hands at Jason’s stepped forward; she stopped next to where Martin’s motionless body lay. Jason gave a kick to Chaz’s head, being to weak to defend himself, Chaz rolled with the blow. He now lay on his side on the ground dazed. Jason rolled Chaz onto his back and sat on his chest, straddling him, pinning Chaz’s arms under Jason’s knees.

“I’m usually not in this posistion after just one date.” Chaz said weakly, as Jason brought the point of the blade close to Chaz’s eye.

“You’re not going to get a second date with me I’m afraid.” Jason replied. “Farewell Mr. Brunswick.”

Jason raised the dagger above his head, Chaz saw his life flash before his eyes then he felt Jason’s weight leave his chest. Julie had tackled Jason from behind and both were now rolling across the floor their bodies entangled.

Jason rolled on top of Julie; he held the dagger in one hand trying to drive it into Julie’s neck, Julie had a grip of Jason’s wrist with both hands, trying to prevent that from happening. “You are beginning to annoy me Julie.” Jason spitted.

“And you need a breath mint!” Julie spit back as she released hold of Jason’s wrist with one of her hands, gouging his right eye with her thumb. Julie was able to move her head in time as Jason’s knife came crashing to the floor sticking straight into the tile. Julie clawed at Jason’s face as she brought her legs up from under him, kicking Jason off of her. Julie scrambled to her feet as Jason screamed in pain; his hand covered the eye, which Julie had just gouged. Jason got to one knee before Julie sent a jar of All Natural Salamander Juice crashing against the side of his head. Rage filling every pore of her body.

Jason was on the floor on his hands and knees, Julie tried to kick him, but Jason had not taken leave of all his senses. He dodged the attack and swept Julie’s leg causing her to land flat on her back, the wind being knocked out of her. Julie looked up at Jason who now stood over her. His makeup was now in patches revealing that underneath it, his skin was a ghostly shade of white. Julie noticed his eyes were also mismatched in color, the left one was blue, and his right was bright pink, as Jason’s foot came to rest across Julie’s throat.

“A fine performance Miss Colton, I commend you for your bravery, but this has become tiresome.”

Julie tried to respond, but was to busy gasping for air as Jason’s weight became heavier on her neck.

End of Part 6

[J m HofMarN]

Now that's more like it! A tremendous improvement Rabbit, great job. I think Chaz works a lot better as a cop and keeping it mysterious adds a lot more to the story as does the cliff hanger. I think you were cutting yourself short in the old version by revealing so much and I'm glad you took my advice. This was a great chapter for action and I hope to see more.

[Just your average movie goer]

Agreed. A much finer effort this time around and it's good that you had the stamina to go back and re-do it. I know from experience that this is not an easy thing to do. I've always got that little voice of laziness in the back of my head that says "Ah, bugger it. It's too much work. Let's play guitar instead."

But you did it. You went back and came out with a much better piece of writing. It shows you are commited. Good work, my friend.

[SimeSublime]

Excellent work. And I have to say that I loved the "All Natural Salamanda Juice"

This post has been edited by SimeSublime: 24 December 2004 - 06:52 AM

[Slade]

Hurrah! Wonderful, an excellent improvement! I like Chaz much more now. He kinda has this 6 foot 7 inches, lovable oaf from Brooklin thing going on.

JYAMG - Hehe. If guitar is easy for you, I can't imagine the chore it must be to write. I have trouble reaching my fingers to the correct chord. Trying to do an F without a bar is impossible because I can't seem to bend my fingers properly.

Anywho, I have Internet access for the time being, so as soon as I think up a title for my story, I'll post it and a link. It's actually 19 pages after more editing, 106k, word document format. I hope everyone is using a newish copy of Word or it won't work... Although I could make it a vanilla text document if I get complaints that people can't read it... Once I post it, let me know if it's any good, criticism is helpful too. I'm not sure how consistant some of my characters are, dialogue wise.

Grr... titles are always the hardest part of writing for me.

[Just your average movie goer]

I have trouble reaching my fingers to the correct chord. Trying to do an F without a bar is impossible because I can't seem to bend my fingers properly.

I was the same when I started out. Everyone is. Your fingers actually go through a bit of physical change when you learn to play guitar and before you know it, it'll be a piece of cake. Then you can start to have fun.

Although, I don't want it to distract you from your writing though...

Looking forward to reading this short story of yours. It may take me a little while though as I've just had laser corrective eye surgery so I can't read things on the computer for long stretches of time. But I'll get there.

[Slade]

Well, I ended up taking the lazy route because I don't know what else to call it. So here, for your viewing pleasure (or displeasure), is Martin Chuzzlewit in: The End of the World or Something, by me. click here to download it.

Edit: Crappy forum psuedo-html needed to be fixed...

This post has been edited by Slade: 28 December 2004 - 09:59 PM

[SimeSublime]

It's after midnight at the moment, and I have work tomorrow morning. I promise I'll read it when I have time, so don't feel bad about my lack of comment

[Just your average movie goer]

Well, well, well. I have just had the honour - nay, the priviledge - of reading your story, Slade. It was truly a marvelously entertaining piece of short fiction. Your hard efforts have yielded some truly impressive results.

I loved the beginning - it was beautiful. The story works well on many levels. I loved the self-reflection and the magic realism. You've got this great knack for deadpan delivery when describing absurd unbelieveable situations ~ it reminds me of the style of Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Very cool.

You've also got a lot of great commentary on some of the big social problems of our time, along with plenty of references to the News Desk and things we all talk about here.

Erotic science fiction - you covered it. And in the end, you gave us a great parody of a certain movie genre that others may probably be more familiar with than myself.. but a parody I enjoyed none-the-less.

Bravo, Slade. You did a very fine job.

[Slade]

Oh my, I never expected such high praise. I thank you humbly. I'm glad you were entertained. That was my only goal. Anything else that happened was either subconscious or unitentional :-P.

Erotic science fiction - I know, I created that character deliberately because JM mentioned that he wanted someone to do that. I tried to sort of start to slip into the genre and then have the narritive get wrenched away back into the absurdity or whatever else the rest was.

In jokes/references - I stuck a bunch of references to some of my earlier website work in there, as well as forum stuff. I couldn't help myself. Also, I often found myself creating something out of sheer absurdity, just to get a chuckle, and then having it turn into a plot point later on. It's cool how that worked out. It's always interesting to me to find out what will happen next because I often don't consciously know. Two of the characters are very obviously parodys of a certain sci-fi show I enjoyed in my youth, but there's another reference in their names. Ugh. I'm sorry, now I feel like sounding dreadfully self-absorbed and conceited. When I stick a reference to something in, I don't like to tell people what it is, but here I am yammering away and all. Ok, this paragraph is over.

Who is Gabriel Garcia Marquez?

And also, where's the next chapter of Julia Colton Versus the Albino Death Brigade?

[Just your average movie goer]

Gabriel Garcia Marquez is a Colombian author who won the Nobel Peace Prize for literature. His most famous work is probably One Hundred Years of Solitude, which sort of chronicles the violent history of his country through the story of an imaginary location where events mirror those of the real world.

It's full of magic realism and he makes it convincing by just telling you everything that happens in that deadpan delivery that you used in your work. He'll be describing something perfectly normal and then tell you that one of the characters just floated up into the sky. But he won't change the style of the prowse or make a big deal about it. He'll just state it as if it were a simple fact and carry on as if nothing happened. It's quite a clever way of telling the story.

[Slade]

Ah. I've never thought of it as clever, I just did it because... I don't know, I thought it would be a funny thing to do? I tend to do that with all of my writing that is of this sort (which is at the moment this piece, a short story entitled A Slice of Heaven, and another story which has been lurking half or maybe a quarter finished for over a year. It's one of those pick up, work on a little bit, go do something else for 6 months deals which I should really get around to finishing up...) Urgh. It's late, and I don't want to yak on about my writing. Makes me feel pompous and arrogant, and I don't like that one bit. Somebody else read my story and tell me what you think. Or better yet, write one!

My humble thanks again to you, JYAMG