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Jar Jar Binks Flunks Star Wars Missile Test
Rated 3 out of 5 (from 21 ratings)Rated 3 out of 5 (from 21 ratings)Rated 3 out of 5 (from 21 ratings)Rated 3 out of 5 (from 21 ratings)Rated 3 out of 5 (from 21 ratings) Written by Jack Van Gump
U.S. Defense Department Blames French–Made Components for This Week’s Failure
Washington—--A test of the U.S. missile defense system failed this week when the "smart" missile programmed to intercept a mock ICBM apparently became frightened and declined to launch from its island base in the Pacific. The failure of the missile, code-named JarJar Binks, marks the second failure in as many months of the $130 billion missile defense shield. The problem was initially believed to stem from ground support equipment on Kwajalein Island not the missile itself. However, the AI system supporting the missile test had other comments regarding the failure. “All my systems were working just fine, thank you. It’s just that the interceptor missile was too big a wimp to blow itself up like it was programmed to do,” said Skynet, from an undisclosed location. Ironically, the target “enemy” missile, a hot-air balloon with a targeting transponder and giant bulls-eye, launched without incident.
A spokesman for the Missile Defense Agency was quoted as saying "We'll just keep trying and testing until all the money runs out.” Which may be sooner rather than later. Each test costs millions of dollars, jeopardizing Bush’s campaign pledge to have the missile defense system fully operational by the end of last year. While defense department officials had little more to say about the causes of the failure, many observers expressed alarm at the current state of the technology used in the defense shield. “I’m not sure which worries me more: a sentient missile that’s afraid to self-destruct or a nuke wielding supercomputer that gives interviews,” said one defense contractor who declined to be identified.
The missile failure was simply the latest in a series of governmental failures that cast doubt on the oversight provided for high technology projects. The Justice Department is scrapping a crucial FBI software system that cost more than $150 million and was supposed to enable FBI agents to track huge case files from multiple locations. And problems have also been reported at The Cheyenne Mountain Operations Center. Built from a mismatch of foreign-made parts, with primary programming outsourced to software engineers in Bangladesh, the Center provides early warning of ballistic missile or air attacks against the U.S. and Canada. But, last year, a computer glitch resulted in scores of F-15 and F-16 fighters being scrambled to intercept a “hostile target”, which ended up being just a large flock of geese. “The most embarrassing part was we didn’t even hit a single freaking goose,” said one unidentified pilot. “But, we sure scared the hell out of Calgary!”
The date of the next missile test has yet to be announced. Authorities close to the project reveal the missile has escaped and is seeking asylum in France claiming, “If me be returnin, the Bosses will do terrible things to me! Tewwwwible things!”
Rated 3 out of 5 (from 21 ratings)Rated 3 out of 5 (from 21 ratings)Rated 3 out of 5 (from 21 ratings)Rated 3 out of 5 (from 21 ratings)Rated 3 out of 5 (from 21 ratings) Written by Jack Van Gump
U.S. Defense Department Blames French–Made Components for This Week’s Failure
Washington—--A test of the U.S. missile defense system failed this week when the "smart" missile programmed to intercept a mock ICBM apparently became frightened and declined to launch from its island base in the Pacific. The failure of the missile, code-named JarJar Binks, marks the second failure in as many months of the $130 billion missile defense shield. The problem was initially believed to stem from ground support equipment on Kwajalein Island not the missile itself. However, the AI system supporting the missile test had other comments regarding the failure. “All my systems were working just fine, thank you. It’s just that the interceptor missile was too big a wimp to blow itself up like it was programmed to do,” said Skynet, from an undisclosed location. Ironically, the target “enemy” missile, a hot-air balloon with a targeting transponder and giant bulls-eye, launched without incident.
A spokesman for the Missile Defense Agency was quoted as saying "We'll just keep trying and testing until all the money runs out.” Which may be sooner rather than later. Each test costs millions of dollars, jeopardizing Bush’s campaign pledge to have the missile defense system fully operational by the end of last year. While defense department officials had little more to say about the causes of the failure, many observers expressed alarm at the current state of the technology used in the defense shield. “I’m not sure which worries me more: a sentient missile that’s afraid to self-destruct or a nuke wielding supercomputer that gives interviews,” said one defense contractor who declined to be identified.
The missile failure was simply the latest in a series of governmental failures that cast doubt on the oversight provided for high technology projects. The Justice Department is scrapping a crucial FBI software system that cost more than $150 million and was supposed to enable FBI agents to track huge case files from multiple locations. And problems have also been reported at The Cheyenne Mountain Operations Center. Built from a mismatch of foreign-made parts, with primary programming outsourced to software engineers in Bangladesh, the Center provides early warning of ballistic missile or air attacks against the U.S. and Canada. But, last year, a computer glitch resulted in scores of F-15 and F-16 fighters being scrambled to intercept a “hostile target”, which ended up being just a large flock of geese. “The most embarrassing part was we didn’t even hit a single freaking goose,” said one unidentified pilot. “But, we sure scared the hell out of Calgary!”
The date of the next missile test has yet to be announced. Authorities close to the project reveal the missile has escaped and is seeking asylum in France claiming, “If me be returnin, the Bosses will do terrible things to me! Tewwwwible things!”
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