[Just your average movie goer]

It's occurred to me that I may be in the wrong business... getting stressed out teaching unmotivated children, working for peanuts and the rest of it.

Why would I waste my time doing that when I can make a very comfortable living writing HOROSCOPES!

Yes, horoscopes. They're everywhere... in magazines and on the net and millions of people must read them. But what's even scarier is that people get paid to write them. But I mean, how hard could it be?

I think anyone could write a horoscope, even me. Look -

JUST YOUR AVERAGE MOVIE GOER presents STAR GAZING - YOUR FORTUNES REVEALED....


Aries - Today is going to be a big day for you... possibly. Maybe you might even get a promotion at work. Or maybe not.

Taurus - If you really care about the people who love you, then today you should get a haircut. They're half-price at my local salon this week.

Gemini - It is important that today, you drink lots of water and breathe in and out continuously. Otherwise, you will die.

Cancer - Today, you could win a large sum of money in a lottery. But honestly, the chances are pretty slim.

Leo - Do not got outside today. If you do, you will surely be run over by a truck.

Virgo - The stars seemed alligned in a rather conventional manner today. So do not attempt to fly by leaping off tall buildings. The power of the stars will not help you.

Libra - All the signs point to one thing. You must go out and buy leopard skin lingerie, unless you are male of course, in which case you should stay at home or you will surely be run over by a truck.

Scorpio - Today, you will lose your car keys. It is unavoidable. Just put your house key on a seperate key ring right now, take a taxi to work and cut your losses.

Sagittarius - According to the stars, today you could meet the love of your life. Although, frankly speaking, the chances aren't really any better than they are on any other day.

Capricorn - You will spill paint all over your carpet today. Don't ask me how and don't try to prevent it for there is nothing you can do. All I can say is that you should be prepared to fork out the cash for some new carpet.

Aquarius - You will be stuck on a train today. Somebody will sit down beside you and tell you their whole life story. It will not be interesting. You will feel bored and uncomfortable around this strange person. Look to your inner self for guidance, pretend that you have to get off at the next stop, jump off the train and run to another carriage.

Pisces - All the signs point to one thing. You have foolishly bought this magazine to read this horoscope. It will not help you and the newsagent won't refund your money. All I can say is ... thank you.

[Chyld]

Pisces - All the signs point to one thing.  You have foolishly bought this magazine to read this horoscope.  It will not help you and the newsagent won't refund your money.  All I can say is ... thank you.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Oh bugger! I haven't even left my room today and I'm wasting money on magazines!

[looktothesky]

I like reading horoscopes.
They're entertaining, and ... well, I don't know why I read them.

[Slade]

Heh. If you want to know about horiscopes, check out Wierd Al's Horiscope Song.

"And some of you may find inconcievble or at very least a bit unlikely that the relative positions of the planets and the stars my have some special deep signifigance or meaning that exclusivelyapplys to only you, but let me give you my assurance that theses forcasts and predictions are all based on solid scientific evidence so you would have to be some kind of idiot not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true."

And he does it really fast and in one breath. That takes practice.

Yeah, horiscopes are always so vague you couldn't really use them even if the celestial bodies effected events on Earth...

This post has been edited by Slade: 24 November 2004 - 07:08 PM

[Just your average movie goer]

That definitely sounds like Weird Al, alright. He is a funny guy. I'll keep my eye out for the song.

[Jane Sherwood]

Gemini - It is important that today, you drink lots of water and breathe in and out continuously.  Otherwise, you will die.

Oh! I knew I was forgetting something!

And Slade, that quotation made me go into a single-minded fit to find that CD. I now have that song on a continuous loop. (Wow...it's been ages since I've listened to this...now I remember why I loved it so much!)

This post has been edited by Jane Sherwood: 24 November 2004 - 09:03 PM

[Just your average movie goer]

Wow... people are reading my horoscopes. Yes, I definitely should do this for a living. I mean, can you imagine being paid for doing that? Now, that's easy living!

By the way, I love your avatar, Jane.

[Just your average movie goer]

Here. I'll try another one just to see how damn easy it really is.

JUST YOUR AVERAGE MOVIE GOER presents STAR GAZING - YOUR FORTUNES REVEALED.... Issue 2


Aries - If you want happiness in life, perhaps you could actively work on trying to achieve your goals. In fact, I recommend that to all our readers, regardless of your star sign.

Taurus - I told you yesterday and I'm going to tell you again... get a haircut. Otherwise things are going to get real bad in hurry.

Gemini - Buy a new car today. In fact, buy a real expensive one. According to the allignment of the Gemini constellation, you should be able to afford it. If not, get a loan and work at McDonalds for the rest of your life to pay it off. Anyway, just buy it!

Cancer - Someone very dear to you will tell you what they really think of you. If you're a nice person, you should be fine. If not...

Leo - Did you go outside yesterday? No, good. Anyway, if you went outside yesterday, you clearly wouldn't be reading this now because you would have been flattened by a truck. So can you go outside now?

Unfortunately, no. You can't. The truck warning still stands. Just be patient for a few days.

Virgo - Bad news. You're going to lose all your money. Either that or I might just be reading your constellation wrong. It just looks a little different today, that's all.

Libra - Don't watch TV all day. That's just a freakin' waste of time. And no, it doesn't have anything to do with the allignment of the stars. It just is a waste of time.

Scorpio - Today you may find that something really wonderful happens. Or you may not. But you never know, do you?

Sagittarius - You will definitely meet your true love today. It will be the first person of the opposite sex that you see during the day (of appropriate age and not a blood relative, of course). Buy them a really expensive ring and propose to them on the spot. Then tomorrow, write a letter to me and tell me how it went.

Capricorn - Your constellation just drifted out of the skies altogether. You're on your own from now on, guys. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you.

Aquarius - Do not eat McDonalds today... it's just plain rubbish.

Pisces - Donate a large sum of money to Just Your Average Movie Goer. Do this and you will find yourself greatly awarded in later life.

[Just your average movie goer]

Anyone else want to give it a try to see just how damn easy this is?

[Madam Corvax]

JYAMG- you did miss your vocation. Honestly. You should he a horoscope writer.
Just make sure you don’t put anything bad in them. One company here included horoscopes in bags of peanuts and was silly enough to put things like “You will have a loss in your family” and people got mighty upset about it and threatened to sue the company.

On the other hand it is incredibly hard. Imagine you have to do it for twelve signs day in day out? And you should be careful to repeat these things at sensible intervals in case some meticulous reader collects your horoscopes and compares.

[SimeSublime]

Dammit man, I got a hair cut last week and regretted it. I'm not doing it again, regardless of what you say *angry*

[Jane Sherwood]

But I don't have a license. What am I supposed to do with a brand new expensive car without a license or any idea how to use it?

Also, thanks, JYAMG. ...You heard the man, Chyld. Pay up.



Something I just remembered from listening to "Horoscope" on loop: would you believe that I used to be able to sing that really long part in one breath perfectly? You can? Well would you believe I once knew all the words to "Albuquerque"? Yeah. Too bad the CD's scratched and I can't hear the first two minutes anymore...

[SimeSublime]

I could sing the whole long bit in one breath as well, which was made harder by the fact that I didn't have a list of lyrics and had to learn it by ear. Sadly, I don't know Albuquerque. I'll have to search my harddrive to see if I still have the Weird Al songs.

[Icey]

Icey's totally scientific and 98% accurate horoscope.

Aries - You will discover that your loved one is a blood relative, if you knew that already then you are sick.

Taurus - A gorgeous woman will come to you, looking for love. Except if you are a man, then your best friend's wife will kick him out and he'll have to stay at your place for the next few weeks.

Gemini - You can expect a law suit today if you drink anything that might be considered a liquid. I reccomend eating lots and lots of Mexican or Thai food.

Cancer - You can expect finding a large sum of money inside your couch. Yes, you will finally find your wallet.

Leo - Take a walk outside today, it will rain the entire time, but you'll get very ill so you won't have to show up for work for quite some while.

Virgo - Avoid blood banks, there is one single needle in your local bloodbank that has been used by someone with HIV before.

Libra - I don't know what to say about you, but my gut says maybe.

Scorpio - Commit suicide right now, or you'll die in the future.

Sagittarius - You will talk t someone you've met before today. He will picture you naked the entire time you're talking to him.

Capricorn - You will drive over your cat by accident, spill coffee over your pants and drop your wedding ring down a sewer drain.

Aquarius - You will have sex with the person you love the most tonight. Yourself.

Pisces - You will take this horoscope seriously and tell all your friends that you know what's going to happen to them with a knowing smile on your face.

[Supes]

Icey's totally scientific and 98% accurate horoscope.

Capricorn - You will drive over your cat by accident, spill coffee over your pants and drop your wedding ring down a sewer drain.

Well, I almost ran over a duck, I spilt coke on my pants at dinner and my divorce came through last week. So far you are the closest Icey.

Having said that:

Capricorn - Your constellation just drifted out of the skies altogether. You're on your own from now on, guys. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you.

I did get a feeling that I was a one of a kind today, so I'm going to give you points fr this one JYAMG.

This post has been edited by Supes: 25 November 2004 - 07:54 AM