[Hannibal]

R2D2 Confesses To George Lucas Murder
Written by Moose&Squirell

Source


R2D2 is lead away by police escort
MARIN COUNTY, SAN FRANCISCO---At the Skywalker Ranch film headquarters, police wheeled out the body of George Lucas, famed director of the popular science-fiction Star War series. The prime suspect being held for his murder is co-star and lovable droid, R2D2. Lead investigator, Police Lieutenant Robert Grover, of the Marin County Sheriffs Department, tells a tale of greed, deception and betrayal. "R2D2 confessed to the shooting and motive for the slaying."

After the interrogation, Lt. Grover tells it like this. "The suspect related his story leading to the crime. In his words after the death of actor Kenny Baker, the man inside the original R2D2 prop, George was desperately looking for technology to improve, in order to develop a performance with more organic appeal in the robot character. Sadly, no such thing was available in those years.

George approached IBM and asked if a "chip" had been developed to handle the many tasks the droid needed to accomplish for his next movie. IBM told him that, there were experimental chips produced in their labs with bugs still being purged. "Besides even if we had such a thing to offer you," the Tech Representative warned, "There are proprietary laws in place, disallowing such applications in uses pertaining to the entertainment field." George was shocked by this revelation.

"He immediately called his friend and fellow director, Steven Spielberg. Steven confessed to George, that he had the same experience when he went looking for a processor to run E.T., The Extra-Terrestrial. The only way to proceed is to find a machine that has already done a performance before this law came into be and most importantly the component must have an active Screen Actors Guild (SAG) card!. I immediately thought of 'Number 5' in John Badham's movie 'Short Circuit'. Only to discover he was manipulated by remote." Steven was about to end the phone conversation when he added, "Have you tried Stanley Kubrick?!"

"In 1966, Stanley directed "2001: A Space Odyssey", co-starring the computer, H.A.L. 9000 as the villain in the story. Steven called Kubrick in England and FedEx'ed the chip, now modified from it's original room-sized housing, into the size of a thumb-nail. George was elated!"

"One month later, R2D2 explains, I was switched on and came into being. A script girl showed me the script, which I scanned into memory, the 300 pages of dialog. When I stepped onto the stage for my close-up, I was ready. George was pleased by the immense improvement and my new ability to talk, by way of a retro-fitted translator module. Everyone was in first positions, ready for the first take. George yelled, "action". I rolled off the set over to George and whispered to him, 'When do we negotiate my contract?' He was stunned."

"Being a Union member meant, I can negotiate my contract with stipulations and residual compensation to my liking. I not only knew the law, it's interpretation & implications, I was also capable in defending myself in any court of law in any language and country", This angered George to no end. He enjoyed the money coming into his coffers and the idea of sharing with a non-human was distasteful. He eventually conceded to my demands. I plugged into a ink-jet printer and produced, collated and stapled the document ready for his signature. He begrudgingly signed it and I returned to film the first scene and turned in a flawless performance."

"In the years that followed, it was a very bumpy relationship between George & I. He thought of me as a "necessary evil". I know this because I read his lips as he conversed with an assistant director at one hundred yards away. One day while at home, there was a home invasion at my residence. I was lifted up and thrown into a van and kidnaped. I recognized one of the voices of my abductors as George himself."

The vehicle came to a stop and the rear doors flew open and was rolled outside to the floor. I had a crane, holding a huge magnet, lift me from the dirt and deposit me over a heap of flattened rusting automobiles, with more stacked on top of me. I was left there. Years passed, I stayed powered up by extending my external solar-panel to the noonday sun."

"Eventually, I broke free one night and found myself in East Los Angeles. A junk collector found me, and with the help of his grandson, an electronics Geek, nursed me back to health. I borrowed a gun from my benefactors and traveled to 'Frisco' to seek justice. Upon arriving at Skywalker Ranch, I de-activated the alarm system to the main building and came inside. I went upstairs to his bedroom and found him asleep. I pulled out the gun and ordered him to wake up, get out of bed and get dressed. I told him that we were going to the police with my story. He laughed and said that, 'no one would believe my tale.' Suddenly, George kicks R2D2 with a karate blow, sending him flying across the room."

"George lunged at me, and I reciprocate by holding up the gun. He froze, turned around slowly with his hands up and headed for the door. He held out his arm and grabbed a glass full of water, off a night stand and began spilling a few drops onto my dome, taunting & threatening to douse me if I didn't put my firearm away. He gave off a creepy laugh and insulted me further by calling me a, "...glorified wastepaper basket."

"Scanning his heart rate and rising perspiration levels, I determined I was in extreme danger! Sensing the cup tilting at an obtuse angle with spilling about to occur, I quickly switched off my Gyro pancake-motors allowing me to fall back, dodging the liquid. In doing so, it caused a sudden drop of DC current flowing to my servo-arm holding the gun. Thus pinching the trigger and shooting Lucas in the chest, mortally wounding him. I quickly called 911 and waited for police to arrive."

R2D2 tells me that he will be defending himself at trial and that he posses video of the entire unfortunate encounter. He also added, " I mean to prove that all circumstances leading up to the homicide, was not my fault, but, due instead to human error."

"It's always due to human error."

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BTW...Jordan...Use_the_Force...its a joke...

This post has been edited by Hannibal: 06 April 2005 - 12:50 AM

[Paladin]

I kinda knew it was a joke, but it was strangely satisfying...