[Slade]

<quote>...My ass is on the line...</quote>
Literally... Ker-zing! *waits for cymbol crash*

Nubile: Sexually mature and attractive. Used of young women.

It's always used (of?...the hell?) with young women. ALWAYS...

Yeah, you don't know for sure you'll fail until you try. I have yet to get e-mails from anyone requesting a romatic relationship with me. In fact, I never get e-mails from anybody. Ever.

[Slade]

Scorpio - You will attempt to make a joke and instead kill a previously popular and humorous internet thread. Also, you'll choke on corn bread and die tomorrow unless you glue yourself into your shoes. Stop running from your problems - you'll only die tired. Look to the future; It can't be much worse than now, right?

[Jane Sherwood]

Here's my own little attempt at it. Take a guess on which ones I ran out of ideas for.

Aries: The entire world is out to get you in some way. I’d advise you get them all before they have a chance to strike first.

Taurus: Don’t panic when you find that mutilated dead hooker hanging by her neck in your closet. Rest assured that Mitch, your alternate personality whom you are completely unaware of, will take care of everything for you. It would be wise to buy a house with a bigger backyard, or invest heavily in air fresheners.

Gemini: Do not trust in the stars - they just like to mess with your head and make you paranoid. They think it’s funny.

Cancer: You will never be happy or successful in life unless you follow the advise of total strangers who claim they know how to read the stars. Trust me on this, I can read the stars.

Leo: Try to find time this week to really commune with nature. And by that, I mean you should make special tongue-friends with any toads you come across, and then take off all your clothes and run screaming through the woods. If you don’t, then nature will take it upon herself to commune with you...in the form of a really, really big angry bear.

Virgo: Don’t listen to what they say – you really can fly. It’s just a matter of flapping your arms fast enough. Prove everyone wrong by practicing your unique skill by repeatedly launching yourself off the tallest building in town.

Libra: You will die. At best you have about fifty to sixty years left. Better get your priorities straight before you bite the big one!

Scorpio: They’re all going to laugh at you.

Sagittarius: A freak accident involving a cup of spilled coffee and half-eaten ham and cheese sandwich at the nearest military base will send a heat seeking missile skyrocketing toward your house. Now would be a good time dig that bunker in your backyard.

Capricorn: Don’t ask me why, but you are now Public Duck Enemy Number One. The only way to appease the angry waterfowls is with an offering of several loaves of fresh bread. Leave it on the ground seven feet away from them and back away slowly. If you make any sudden movements, or they don’t like the type of bread you have offered them, they will nibble your face off.

Aquarius: Beware of subliminal messages. If you believe let your guard down for horoscopes just one second, they’ll get you.

Pisces: At some point this week (maybe more than once) you will get drunk off your ass and wake up with a hangover.

[Slade]

:-D I laugh muchly. Kudos to you, Jane. It sure would suck to be that Libra!

[Chyld]

Pisces:  At some point this week (maybe more than once) you will get drunk off your ass and wake up with a hangover.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Sweet Monkey Tuesdays! She can see into the future! She can see I'm going out on Friday, to get drunk off my as...

Hang on a minute...

[SimeSublime]

So, this Mitch guy will sort it all out then? Thats a weight off my mind. Thanks

[Just your average movie goer]

I loved your effort there, Jane! That was a great laugh. My favourite bit was...

Libra: You will die. At best you have about fifty to sixty years left. Better get your priorities straight before you bite the big one!

And the Subliminal Messages were great too.

[Despondent]

I liked Cancer. et al. Great predictions, Jane.