Just your Anakin Skywalker - An idealistic youth who wants to help win the war for the republic
O. W. Kenobi - A Jedi knight who trains JWAS
ChefYoda - Leader of the old Jedi council
Count Jariten - Fallen Jedi cast out of the order for espousing silly ideas.
Lucas the Hutt- Gangster who sells spice to children after using CGI effects to make it look cool
Chancelor Barentine- The dark lord of the Sith who infiltrates the republic and eventually takes over.
Amelena- JYAS love
M: A ring girl and servant of Hannibal.
Boba Fett- Someone who has no business being in the movie.
King Number two- King of Alderaan (owner of R2 and C3-PO)
Admiral Hannibal- An evil maniac
Despondis- A jedi knight
Darth Gonk- The dark lord's apprentice
Vewingav- Yet another Jedi knight
Star wars Episode 1: A falling star pilot
Opening scroll:
The galactic republic has been at war for many years with the Hannibalian army. Admiral Hannibal, believing the republic's rulers to be antisemite fascist christian jewish communist nudists, has spread chaos and confusion throughout the galaxy with his incomprehensible propaghanda and nazi-like shock troops.Believing his chance to be at hand he has set a trap for Chancelor Belorem to try to turn the war in his favor...
On the forested moon of Idrit 5 a quiet man named O. W. Kenobi sits in his hut, meditating upon the summons he has received to travel to Dagobah, for the first Jedi council in ages. Unfortunately, O. W. realises he dosn't have a ride...
Meanwhile far above, the supreme chancelor of the galactic republic is traveling back towards Corruscant, the seat of republic power. From the dark side of the moon emerge two squads of deadly Elephant gunships, the signature fighters of Hannibal's forces. With the Republic wing assigned to guard the supreme chancelor is legendary pilot Just Your Anakin Skywalker, who will soon play a greater role in this conflict than any could have imagined...
-The scene opens on JYAS in his fighter. All his comrades have been shot down during the battle.-
JYAS: Hello? HK47? Njamilla? Corvax? Mike? Paladin? Am I the only one left?
Hannibalian pilot: Prepare to die! Your chancelor bears a striking resemblance to hitler if you squint your eyes and look at him just right while drunk!
JYAS: What the hell are you drunk? You don't know who you're messing with!
-JYAS performs a loop and takes down the fighter and many others but suddenly Hannibalian bombers decloak and destroy the chancelor's ship, the shockwaves knocking JYAS' fighter out of orbit and down to Idrit 5-
JYAS: Well there goes my raise...
-He manages to land his fighter before passing out and being found by a strangely clothed man.-
O. W. Kenobi: Hello there! Is anyone alive in this thing?
JYAS: Wibble... Wibble...
O. W. Kenobi: That was quite a landing you made, would you happen to be the famed Just Your Anakin Skywalker, the hero of the republic navy?
JYAS: Yes, and who might you be? You look like one of those Jedi of legends.
O. W. Kenobi: The Jedi are more real than you think. Ever since the last war with the Sith we have hidden ourselves away upon various worlds to await the second coming of the Sith, meditating and training in solitude to prepare. Before each Jedi dies he must take on a pupil to carry on his knowledge.
JYAS: I can't believe it.
O. W. Kenobi: Check this out then. -He draws his lightsaber-
JYAS: Where do I sign up?
O. W. Kenobi: I cannot very well train you, I sense much anger within you and master Yoda might be better for the job.
JYAS: Is Yoda an obscure character noone's ever heard of who gets injected into this film for no good reason and creates a great many inconsistencies?
O. W. Kenobi: No, he is the one who trained me.
JYAS: Then perhaps it would be wiser if you trained me, as Yoda has already had an apprentice.
O. W. Kenobi: Fair enough. Your first lesson is to run to some caves and make up a lightsaber.
JYAS: Righto. -He runs off for a while and comes back wielding a red lightsaber. O. W. smacks himself in the forehead.-
O. W.: Somehow I get the feeling you're going to be the death of me...
JUAS: Did I do bad?
O.W.: -Quickly pops in a green crystal.- There, that's better. Ok now I'll do a ton of boring training that can just be passed over in a montage, at the end of which you'll be a full fledged Jedi. Also there's some stuff about the dark side I should probably go into detail about but the Sith are moving and there isn't much time.
JYAS: Alright, I'm a Jedi now, so why the hurry?
O. W.: As I said the dark side is rising and the council has agreed to meet on it. We are not yet sure precisely what they're up to but I have the feeling that whatever happened up there has something to do with it. All living Jedi are going to travel to Dagobah to meditate upon what is happening. You don't mind if we take your starfighter, do you?
JYAS: Sure, let's go.
-They fly to Dagobah where the other Jedi of the council are already present. Vewingav, Despondis, Chefyoda and various others greet O.W. and JYAS-
Chefyoda: Good to see you all it is. Especially good it is to see that you an apprentice have, O. W... But smell evil he does.
O. W. He's fine, how have things been since I moved out?
Chefyoda: Been the same without you, my hut has not.
O. W. I am glad to be back my master. This is Just Your Anakin Skywalker.
Despondis: Ah yes the republic war hero. I heard you got into a spot of trouble over Idrit 5.
JYAS: I was lucky to have survived, Hannibal's ships attack without mercy.
Vewingav: I believe that is what we were called here to discuss. Is it not, master Chefyoda?
Chefyoda: It is. I have felt a great disturbance in the force. The time of the second battle with the Sith is at hand.
O.W.: I have felt it as well. You believe it is this maniac Hannibal?
Chefyoda: No. I can sense nothing of him. They are elsewhere, on Corruscant.
Vewingav: I have sensed them there as well.
O.W.: I disagree. I find it entirely possible that Hannibal is the lord of the Sith. Perhaps he found some sort of way to hide it.
Chefyoda: The stupidest thing ever I have heard that is.
JYAS: I believe you master.
Despondis: I am not certain. In any event I am sure that Hannibal must be stopped. Perhaps we may allow O.W. and the padawan to attempt it?
Chefyoda: A bad feeling about this I have but a choice I have not. Go, and may the force be with you. The padawan and you only may go. Stay here and meditate the rest of us will.
O.W.: Thank you my master. I only wish I knew where to start.
Vewingav: One of this council has turned rogue and joined up with Lucas the Hutt. If he is falling to the darkside he may have been contacted by the Sith. Perhaps you should investigate him.
JYAS: Sounds fascinating.
O.W.: I agree. Let's be off. Will you be coming along to do battle with him, master Chefyoda?
Chefyoda: Kidding are you? Realize how stupid that would look do you?
O.W.: I am sorry, my master. We shall make haste to find this Jedi. -Exeunt O.W. and JYAS-
Chefyoda: Up for scrabble, who is?
Vewingav and Despondis: Me!
-Our heroes travel to the mountainous world of Cidren where they have sensed the presence of Count Jariten. Surely enough they find him hastling the locals.-
Local: We no need Lucas' spice flakes. Our children get sick from eating.
Jariten: You'd damned well better buy them and like them. Or else me and my lightsaber might get angry.
Local: Curse you. We have no choice.
Jariten: Excellent. I will bring the goods to your town where you can hand over the cash. You made a wise decision. -He pops open a holo-communicator as the local walks away.- Lucas, I have completed my task. Soon the memories of all local food will die out and everyone will be forced to eat your spice flakes or spice flakes with raisins.
Lucas: Excellent work. Say, who are those two behind you.
Jariten: Oh hell.
-A lightsaber battle ensues and the communicator is crushed.-
O.W.: Give it up Jariten, you're no match for us.
Jariten: Ah, slaves of the council I see. Your old ways are quickly becoming extinct. You don't realize that it is the future we must think of. When I tried to tell the council about how we could live in this aeon they shunned me. They excommunicated me simply because I thought it would be cool if we all lived in a tower and floated around in things that looked like levitating beanbag chairs and made smart ass comments at everything people said. And now they have sent you to destroy me!
O.W.: All of those things would be stupid but we havnt been sent to kill you!
Jariten: Gah, then what are you doing here?
JYAS: We were sent by the council to-- Yarghable!
Jariten: -Force pushes him into a wall- I just remembered, I don't like dialogue during duels either.
O.W.: You are of the dark side, there is no hope for you now. I will destroy you!
Jariten: Never!
-They fight and finally it comes to a standstill. Jariten suddenly holds up his lightsaber.-
Jariten: Very well. Kill me if you must. If I destroy you the council will only send more. I'll die now, with honor.
O.W.: We told you already we're not here to kill you. The council sent us to find out what you know about the rise of the Sith.
Jariten: The Sith? I may have differing views from the council but I do not align myself with the dark lord. Are you saying he has arisen?
JYAS: -Groaning and dusting himself off- We're not sure. We were hoping you might know. I have a sneaky suspicion that it might be lord Hannibal.
Jariten: Lord Hannibal? He was at Lucas' palace a while ago accusing my boss of writing erotic science fiction.
O.W.: Do you believe that he could be the dark lord?
Jariten: It is hard to tell. I sensed the darkside in him but I have not been at peace since I left the order. The force no longer speaks to me as it once did and this Hannibal will surely destroy me if he finds me. I do not know what to do.
O.W.: You could join with us.
JYAS: Master, can we trust him?
Jariten: I have no love for the council but your cause is a worthy one. Perhaps...
O.W.: We have no choice, Anakin. We must travel To Eduin and face Hannibal ourselves.
Jariten: Would that be wise? The Jedi have not made their presence known for centuries.
O.W.: You have seen the darkside in him. We must strike while we still have time before he declares himself as the dark lord and begins to hunt down the Jedi. If he gains anymore space he will be able to start taking over planets with Sith temples on them and his power will grow while he destroys the Jedi one by one.
Jariten: Very well I will wield my saber with the order once more. Perhaps this is how it was meant to be.
JYAS: I am with you, master.
-They fly to Eduin and use the Jedi mindtrick to enter his base.-
Guard: Hey, you can't come in--
Jariten: -waves his hand- You don't want to kick us out of this base. You want to be a lumberjack.
Guard: I want to be a lumberjack...
JYAS: I never knew the force could be so much fun...
O.W.: The force should not be used for personal enjoyment.
Jariten: Say what you want, but when I made the last guard think he was a cucumber sandwhich I could swear you laughed.
O.W.: Bah! Let's get on with this.
-The party sneaks into the wings of the building where Hannibal is addressing his troops.-
Hannibal: After RW's death, Bayreuth became a focal point for anti-Semitic and right-wing individuals, encouraged by Cosima. This culminated in the Glacial Cosmogony or the Universal Ice Doctrine and world history in terms of conflict between races. The son of Richard, Siegfried, was more balanced, ruling out racial exclusivity at Atlantis (or Thule), but he died in 1930. Clearly mythology is no toy for children. The flood of pseudo-scientific pamphlets and treatises became overwhelming. SF, read by the social classes that were not reached by pseudoscientific and philosophic pamphlets, also succumbed to such irrationality. in the course of its further development the Talmudic-Tschandalic Empire succeeded in harnessing the intelligence of the Aryan Christians to its purposes by way of the Practical race-metaphysics are concerned with research into the history of the races before their earthly development cycle (pre-terrestrial) ... into the future of the races following their earthly period (post-terrestrial), and finally with research into the extra-sensory, extra-terrestrial, cosmic forces that influence racial development in the present. Lanz derives these
insights from his "theozoology" and secret society of Free-Masons. Naturally, the various crashes of the oon onto Earth in Glacial Cosmogony always occurred at times of racial and ethical turpitude.
Troops: Hail Hannibal! Down with the freemason toys of Cosima and Bayreuth! Hooray for post terrestrial race metaphysics!!! Viva la ethical turpitude!
Jariten, O.W. and JYAS: Force help us...
Jariten: What can men do against such reckless insanity?
JYAS: We have to stop him.
O.W.: We cannot rush in, feel the force flowing through you and let it calm you.
JYAS: No I mean we have to stop him I can't take another speech like that!
Jariten: Get your game on, this is gunna be one bumpy ride.
Hannibal: Thanks to the active propaganda of this society, the idea of space travel grew so popular that moon-rockets became a regular item in carnival parades, and Fritz Lang was stimulated to make the film The Woman in the Moon (1928) for which he asked the Society for expert advice on the age of supra-rational magic." Heinrich Himmler and Wirth were first nurtured in occult-science groups of a secret society kind. These groups and their obscurantism were of considerable significance in the early development of the remains of Atlantis, which had been destroyed by cosmic events, were discovered in space, admonishing the German astronauts to reconstruct the legitimate Aryan (i.e. German) global empire, to return to racial purity, to a leadership mystique and to irrationalism called "Aryan science--- What are you doing? Get out of my Racial Bureau of Asgard!
O.W.: Prepare to die!
Hannibal: I think not. The rules say that your campaign of disinformation found praiseworthy the efforts of Government Building Counsellor.
JYAS: Gargh! I'll show you government building counseling!
-They fight and hannibal wields a lightsaber shaped like a star of david. JYAS takes a wound to the shoulder and flys back as Jariten and O.W. try to hold off Hannibal and his troops.-
O.W.: Anakin! Run! Tell the council!
JYAS: -Looking on hesitatingly as the fight rages- I cant leave you!
Jariten: Get out of here kid we'll be fine!
JYAS: -Runs off and disappears in a speeder, chased by Hannibal's troops but finally loosing them all and landing infront of an out of the way settlement where Amelena helps him off his speeder bike and hides it and tends to his wounds and such.-
Amelena: What happened to you?
JYAS: I'm a Jedi knight, I was wounded fighting Hannibal.
Amelena: That Hannibal! He dragged my whole family off to fight in his stupid war and I was the only one who stayed. Say, you're pretty hot.
JYAS: You sure are direct.
Amelena: I can be a little more direct if you like. Let's get you bandaged up for the moment though.
-The scene returns to the battle with Hannibal and Jariten and O.W. are defeated and quickly captured and put in little floaty prison things.-
Hannibal: What if I were to tell you that The protectors of the Republic and its free society are the Jedi Knights. This institution, too, has become highly multicultural. As seen in Episodes I and II of Star Wars the Jedi council has many different species represented on it. Coincidentally, the Jedi council has become corrupt. Also, I'm going to take over the universe as a home for walking carpet master race.
Jariten: please please please be joking
O.W.: AAArgh no more!
Hannibal: I have business to attend to I'll leave you two in the hands of my loyal servant, M. -He walks off and a woman with mercury oozing from her mouth and some strange rings in her pants comes in, already ranting.
M: She lost all of her children the day she was born. Eight years later mercury fillings were inserted into her lower bicuspids and an amazing amount of body electroconductivity and a tolerance for electroconductive wavesplit at the physical level. Electrical voltage at higher than normal levels could pass through her human body. This was largely due to the influences of astrology on the rare day she was born. Then it was forced into the sun by complicated math and physics by N.A.S.A. This means that the sun, which was now newly-fueled and hotter, would offer sunlight for many more years, but in the early years of this feat, some or all of the ice caps are expected to melt. Could they discover new techniques of quantum electrodynamics? What if a new form of brainwashing or mesmerization were possible? Would you know where to turn if you were the first person honest enough to report it?
Jariten: Oh dear sweet mother of force!
O.W.: What the fuck is a wavesplit???
-Meanwhile at Amelena's place JYAS is sitting up in bed talking with Amelena.-
JYAS: My family on Corruscant hated that I went to join the republic's forces. My father and mother had just died and my brother wanted me to stay and work the farm but I just couldn't. It seemed like I had to do something more, ya know. I'm sure they'll be even less pleased when they find out that I've joined Obi Wan on some fool idealistic crucade.
Amelena: I wish my family was like that, they'll probably all get killed in a battle for Corruscant or Dantooine or something...
JYAS: I hear you, it sucks being alone in this universe.
Amelena: -As their eyes meet- Well... Maybe we don't have to be... -She approaches his bed-
JYAS: Amelena no we can't. I have to go rescue O.W. and Jariten as soon as I get healed and after that we'll probably never see eachother again...
Amelena: We'll always have tonight though, if you want...
JYAS: Well then, here's to tonight. -The scene dims out and fades back in outer space a few weeks later where Hannibal's fleet has assembled and is heading for a republic base-
Hannibal: Attention republic nazi jews! All your base are belong to us! You have one chance to survive. Surrender within 29 parsecs. Make your time.
Base captain: What you say!
-The scene returns to Amelena bidding a tearful fairwell to JYAS-
Amelena: Please don't go Anakin...
JYAS: I have to, I can feel my friends suffering... Goodbye Amelena.. We'll meet again, I can feel it. -He rides off as Amelena falls ot the ground in tears and the scene switches to the floaty prison insanity chamber-
M: One day only M. and some dangerouns government scientists/beaurocrats still knew what had been done. Only telephone operators know how silenced we have become. And some savers are by default, because only they know. Whether or not the planet will drown depends upon her survival, but the experiments with time continued unashamedly, slowly killing her.
-The scene switches to JYAS tricking the guard into pulling his lip over his face and swallowing-
JYAS: Damn I love this Jedi deal. -He continues into the base as M's ruthless torture progresses-
M: Only extreme wavesplit prevents travel through time, but geo-orbiting satellites for radio and television can stream electricity from the sky into a human being to override natural wavesplit She should never be killed because all human life depends upon her astrologically-charted body and the new science. But the government wants her locked up forever.
O.W. and Jariten: Can't... handle... much... more...
JYAS: -Bursts through the door- Die ring girl!
M: Kill me! All you'll do is melt the polar icecaps and return Saturn to the original orbit. Don't get any closer or I'll use my wavesplit on you. I have a lot of electroconducaaaaahhhhh! -JYAS slices her in half-
JYAS: Now that's what I call wavesplit, biatch! Come on, we have to go stop Hannibal! -He frees them and they have a quick reunion and then go to a hangar, seeing that the only ships they can use are one-seaters-
JYAS: I have to go, I can feel it.
Jariten: I'm not getting stuck here either.
O.W.: I guess that leaves me then... I don't like it but I suppose someone should stay here to look after things. I'll catch up ok?
JYAS: One last thing, there's a woman named Amelena. She'll help you but make sure she's safe alright?
O.W.: I'll do all that I can. Fairwell.
-O.W. goes to join up with Amelena while the other two fly off to join the battle for the republic space station.-
Jariten: So what's so special about this station they're after?
JYAS: It's the one that guards one of the main trade routs for the republic. I found out their plans while I was raiding their base, they're going to try to capture merchant ships to use as troop transports for an invasion of Corruscant. If we don't stop them this'll be the end of the republic.
Jariten: I'll do what I can. I used to pilot a spice freighter for Lucas sometimes so I know a few moves.
-Meanwhile in Hannibal's commandship Hannibal talks to the base commander on the holo-screen-
Base commander: I don't know what you mean about releasing the seleucid greeks from bondage but I'm telling you there's no way I'll ever surrender.
Hannibal: Very well then. I shall be as a snail crawling across a straight razor blade...
Lackie: My lord, what orders do you have for a lowly sectarian triumverate frog sack?
Hannibal: If you listen close...you can hear them squeal... yup...the will of the force... They can eat a hundred times their own weight in five minutes.You know, you can only catch them at night. They make this horrible high-pitched noise. Sort of a tiny little scream.
Lackie: I'll take that to mean you want me to send all of our fighters to the front and leave our rear completely undefended like a hungry hungry hippo!
Hannibal: Precisely!
Jariten: All their fighters are preparing to attack. This is our chance!
JYAS: Release all ordinance on my mark... On target... Steady... Steady... MARK!
-The two fighters drop all their bombs into Hannibal's command ship and it explodes, offering barely any time for Hannibal to escape. Without his brilliant strategies the Hannibalian fleet was soon forced to retreat and toe their injured leader home.
Time passes. News of the victory and the selection of a successor the chancelor Belorem spreads to Eduin where Amelena and O.W. celebrate. The Jedi Council reacts as well:
Chefyoda: I fear that this is only the begining.
Despondis: I fear that I cannot think of a word with two Os, an M, an I, an N, a U and an S in it.
Next we see JYAS and Jariten awarded medals by republic officers as Chancelor Barentine watches from his palace on the opposite side of the square.
Barentine: I sense something in the young one... Perhaps I may put him to some use. Lackies, go fetch him for an audience with the supreme chancelor... Alone.
-A bit later-
JYAS: They've invited me to meet the supreme chancelor, this is great.
Jariten: Be careful, I don't like this, don't go my friend.
JYAS: Ah what's the worst that could happen. -He chuckles and slips off as Jariten watches him go and the scene cuts to Barentine's office-
Barentine: Ah, welcome young Skywalker, we meet at last. Come in, I'm sure there is much we can discuss.
This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 24 November 2004 - 08:27 AM