[J m HofMarN]

Cast of Characters

Just your Anakin Skywalker - An idealistic youth who wants to help win the war for the republic

O. W. Kenobi - A Jedi knight who trains JWAS

ChefYoda - Leader of the old Jedi council

Count Jariten - Fallen Jedi cast out of the order for espousing silly ideas.

Lucas the Hutt- Gangster who sells spice to children after using CGI effects to make it look cool

Chancelor Barentine- The dark lord of the Sith who infiltrates the republic and eventually takes over.

Amelena- JYAS love

M: A ring girl and servant of Hannibal.

Boba Fett- Someone who has no business being in the movie.

King Number two- King of Alderaan (owner of R2 and C3-PO)

Admiral Hannibal- An evil maniac

Despondis- A jedi knight

Darth Gonk- The dark lord's apprentice

Vewingav- Yet another Jedi knight





Star wars Episode 1: A falling star pilot


Opening scroll:


The galactic republic has been at war for many years with the Hannibalian army. Admiral Hannibal, believing the republic's rulers to be antisemite fascist christian jewish communist nudists, has spread chaos and confusion throughout the galaxy with his incomprehensible propaghanda and nazi-like shock troops.Believing his chance to be at hand he has set a trap for Chancelor Belorem to try to turn the war in his favor...

On the forested moon of Idrit 5 a quiet man named O. W. Kenobi sits in his hut, meditating upon the summons he has received to travel to Dagobah, for the first Jedi council in ages. Unfortunately, O. W. realises he dosn't have a ride...

Meanwhile far above, the supreme chancelor of the galactic republic is traveling back towards Corruscant, the seat of republic power. From the dark side of the moon emerge two squads of deadly Elephant gunships, the signature fighters of Hannibal's forces. With the Republic wing assigned to guard the supreme chancelor is legendary pilot Just Your Anakin Skywalker, who will soon play a greater role in this conflict than any could have imagined...


-The scene opens on JYAS in his fighter. All his comrades have been shot down during the battle.-


JYAS: Hello? HK47? Njamilla? Corvax? Mike? Paladin? Am I the only one left?

Hannibalian pilot: Prepare to die! Your chancelor bears a striking resemblance to hitler if you squint your eyes and look at him just right while drunk!

JYAS: What the hell are you drunk? You don't know who you're messing with!

-JYAS performs a loop and takes down the fighter and many others but suddenly Hannibalian bombers decloak and destroy the chancelor's ship, the shockwaves knocking JYAS' fighter out of orbit and down to Idrit 5-

JYAS: Well there goes my raise...

-He manages to land his fighter before passing out and being found by a strangely clothed man.-

O. W. Kenobi: Hello there! Is anyone alive in this thing?

JYAS: Wibble... Wibble...

O. W. Kenobi: That was quite a landing you made, would you happen to be the famed Just Your Anakin Skywalker, the hero of the republic navy?

JYAS: Yes, and who might you be? You look like one of those Jedi of legends.

O. W. Kenobi: The Jedi are more real than you think. Ever since the last war with the Sith we have hidden ourselves away upon various worlds to await the second coming of the Sith, meditating and training in solitude to prepare. Before each Jedi dies he must take on a pupil to carry on his knowledge.

JYAS: I can't believe it.

O. W. Kenobi: Check this out then. -He draws his lightsaber-

JYAS: Where do I sign up?

O. W. Kenobi: I cannot very well train you, I sense much anger within you and master Yoda might be better for the job.

JYAS: Is Yoda an obscure character noone's ever heard of who gets injected into this film for no good reason and creates a great many inconsistencies?

O. W. Kenobi: No, he is the one who trained me.

JYAS: Then perhaps it would be wiser if you trained me, as Yoda has already had an apprentice.

O. W. Kenobi: Fair enough. Your first lesson is to run to some caves and make up a lightsaber.

JYAS: Righto. -He runs off for a while and comes back wielding a red lightsaber. O. W. smacks himself in the forehead.-

O. W.: Somehow I get the feeling you're going to be the death of me...

JUAS: Did I do bad?

O.W.: -Quickly pops in a green crystal.- There, that's better. Ok now I'll do a ton of boring training that can just be passed over in a montage, at the end of which you'll be a full fledged Jedi. Also there's some stuff about the dark side I should probably go into detail about but the Sith are moving and there isn't much time.

JYAS: Alright, I'm a Jedi now, so why the hurry?

O. W.: As I said the dark side is rising and the council has agreed to meet on it. We are not yet sure precisely what they're up to but I have the feeling that whatever happened up there has something to do with it. All living Jedi are going to travel to Dagobah to meditate upon what is happening. You don't mind if we take your starfighter, do you?

JYAS: Sure, let's go.

-They fly to Dagobah where the other Jedi of the council are already present. Vewingav, Despondis, Chefyoda and various others greet O.W. and JYAS-

Chefyoda: Good to see you all it is. Especially good it is to see that you an apprentice have, O. W... But smell evil he does.

O. W. He's fine, how have things been since I moved out?

Chefyoda: Been the same without you, my hut has not.

O. W. I am glad to be back my master. This is Just Your Anakin Skywalker.

Despondis: Ah yes the republic war hero. I heard you got into a spot of trouble over Idrit 5.

JYAS: I was lucky to have survived, Hannibal's ships attack without mercy.

Vewingav: I believe that is what we were called here to discuss. Is it not, master Chefyoda?

Chefyoda: It is. I have felt a great disturbance in the force. The time of the second battle with the Sith is at hand.

O.W.: I have felt it as well. You believe it is this maniac Hannibal?

Chefyoda: No. I can sense nothing of him. They are elsewhere, on Corruscant.

Vewingav: I have sensed them there as well.

O.W.: I disagree. I find it entirely possible that Hannibal is the lord of the Sith. Perhaps he found some sort of way to hide it.

Chefyoda: The stupidest thing ever I have heard that is.

JYAS: I believe you master.

Despondis: I am not certain. In any event I am sure that Hannibal must be stopped. Perhaps we may allow O.W. and the padawan to attempt it?

Chefyoda: A bad feeling about this I have but a choice I have not. Go, and may the force be with you. The padawan and you only may go. Stay here and meditate the rest of us will.

O.W.: Thank you my master. I only wish I knew where to start.

Vewingav: One of this council has turned rogue and joined up with Lucas the Hutt. If he is falling to the darkside he may have been contacted by the Sith. Perhaps you should investigate him.

JYAS: Sounds fascinating.

O.W.: I agree. Let's be off. Will you be coming along to do battle with him, master Chefyoda?

Chefyoda: Kidding are you? Realize how stupid that would look do you?

O.W.: I am sorry, my master. We shall make haste to find this Jedi. -Exeunt O.W. and JYAS-

Chefyoda: Up for scrabble, who is?

Vewingav and Despondis: Me!

-Our heroes travel to the mountainous world of Cidren where they have sensed the presence of Count Jariten. Surely enough they find him hastling the locals.-

Local: We no need Lucas' spice flakes. Our children get sick from eating.

Jariten: You'd damned well better buy them and like them. Or else me and my lightsaber might get angry.

Local: Curse you. We have no choice.

Jariten: Excellent. I will bring the goods to your town where you can hand over the cash. You made a wise decision. -He pops open a holo-communicator as the local walks away.- Lucas, I have completed my task. Soon the memories of all local food will die out and everyone will be forced to eat your spice flakes or spice flakes with raisins.

Lucas: Excellent work. Say, who are those two behind you.

Jariten: Oh hell.

-A lightsaber battle ensues and the communicator is crushed.-

O.W.: Give it up Jariten, you're no match for us.

Jariten: Ah, slaves of the council I see. Your old ways are quickly becoming extinct. You don't realize that it is the future we must think of. When I tried to tell the council about how we could live in this aeon they shunned me. They excommunicated me simply because I thought it would be cool if we all lived in a tower and floated around in things that looked like levitating beanbag chairs and made smart ass comments at everything people said. And now they have sent you to destroy me!

O.W.: All of those things would be stupid but we havnt been sent to kill you!

Jariten: Gah, then what are you doing here?

JYAS: We were sent by the council to-- Yarghable!

Jariten: -Force pushes him into a wall- I just remembered, I don't like dialogue during duels either.

O.W.: You are of the dark side, there is no hope for you now. I will destroy you!

Jariten: Never!

-They fight and finally it comes to a standstill. Jariten suddenly holds up his lightsaber.-

Jariten: Very well. Kill me if you must. If I destroy you the council will only send more. I'll die now, with honor.

O.W.: We told you already we're not here to kill you. The council sent us to find out what you know about the rise of the Sith.

Jariten: The Sith? I may have differing views from the council but I do not align myself with the dark lord. Are you saying he has arisen?

JYAS: -Groaning and dusting himself off- We're not sure. We were hoping you might know. I have a sneaky suspicion that it might be lord Hannibal.

Jariten: Lord Hannibal? He was at Lucas' palace a while ago accusing my boss of writing erotic science fiction.

O.W.: Do you believe that he could be the dark lord?

Jariten: It is hard to tell. I sensed the darkside in him but I have not been at peace since I left the order. The force no longer speaks to me as it once did and this Hannibal will surely destroy me if he finds me. I do not know what to do.

O.W.: You could join with us.

JYAS: Master, can we trust him?

Jariten: I have no love for the council but your cause is a worthy one. Perhaps...

O.W.: We have no choice, Anakin. We must travel To Eduin and face Hannibal ourselves.

Jariten: Would that be wise? The Jedi have not made their presence known for centuries.

O.W.: You have seen the darkside in him. We must strike while we still have time before he declares himself as the dark lord and begins to hunt down the Jedi. If he gains anymore space he will be able to start taking over planets with Sith temples on them and his power will grow while he destroys the Jedi one by one.

Jariten: Very well I will wield my saber with the order once more. Perhaps this is how it was meant to be.

JYAS: I am with you, master.

-They fly to Eduin and use the Jedi mindtrick to enter his base.-

Guard: Hey, you can't come in--

Jariten: -waves his hand- You don't want to kick us out of this base. You want to be a lumberjack.

Guard: I want to be a lumberjack...

JYAS: I never knew the force could be so much fun...

O.W.: The force should not be used for personal enjoyment.

Jariten: Say what you want, but when I made the last guard think he was a cucumber sandwhich I could swear you laughed.

O.W.: Bah! Let's get on with this.

-The party sneaks into the wings of the building where Hannibal is addressing his troops.-

Hannibal: After RW's death, Bayreuth became a focal point for anti-Semitic and right-wing individuals, encouraged by Cosima. This culminated in the Glacial Cosmogony or the Universal Ice Doctrine and world history in terms of conflict between races. The son of Richard, Siegfried, was more balanced, ruling out racial exclusivity at Atlantis (or Thule), but he died in 1930. Clearly mythology is no toy for children. The flood of pseudo-scientific pamphlets and treatises became overwhelming. SF, read by the social classes that were not reached by pseudoscientific and philosophic pamphlets, also succumbed to such irrationality. in the course of its further development the Talmudic-Tschandalic Empire succeeded in harnessing the intelligence of the Aryan Christians to its purposes by way of the Practical race-metaphysics are concerned with research into the history of the races before their earthly development cycle (pre-terrestrial) ... into the future of the races following their earthly period (post-terrestrial), and finally with research into the extra-sensory, extra-terrestrial, cosmic forces that influence racial development in the present. Lanz derives these
insights from his "theozoology" and secret society of Free-Masons. Naturally, the various crashes of the oon onto Earth in Glacial Cosmogony always occurred at times of racial and ethical turpitude.

Troops: Hail Hannibal! Down with the freemason toys of Cosima and Bayreuth! Hooray for post terrestrial race metaphysics!!! Viva la ethical turpitude!

Jariten, O.W. and JYAS: Force help us...

Jariten: What can men do against such reckless insanity?

JYAS: We have to stop him.

O.W.: We cannot rush in, feel the force flowing through you and let it calm you.

JYAS: No I mean we have to stop him I can't take another speech like that!

Jariten: Get your game on, this is gunna be one bumpy ride.

Hannibal: Thanks to the active propaganda of this society, the idea of space travel grew so popular that moon-rockets became a regular item in carnival parades, and Fritz Lang was stimulated to make the film The Woman in the Moon (1928) for which he asked the Society for expert advice on the age of supra-rational magic." Heinrich Himmler and Wirth were first nurtured in occult-science groups of a secret society kind. These groups and their obscurantism were of considerable significance in the early development of the remains of Atlantis, which had been destroyed by cosmic events, were discovered in space, admonishing the German astronauts to reconstruct the legitimate Aryan (i.e. German) global empire, to return to racial purity, to a leadership mystique and to irrationalism called "Aryan science--- What are you doing? Get out of my Racial Bureau of Asgard!

O.W.: Prepare to die!

Hannibal: I think not. The rules say that your campaign of disinformation found praiseworthy the efforts of Government Building Counsellor.

JYAS: Gargh! I'll show you government building counseling!

-They fight and hannibal wields a lightsaber shaped like a star of david. JYAS takes a wound to the shoulder and flys back as Jariten and O.W. try to hold off Hannibal and his troops.-

O.W.: Anakin! Run! Tell the council!

JYAS: -Looking on hesitatingly as the fight rages- I cant leave you!

Jariten: Get out of here kid we'll be fine!

JYAS: -Runs off and disappears in a speeder, chased by Hannibal's troops but finally loosing them all and landing infront of an out of the way settlement where Amelena helps him off his speeder bike and hides it and tends to his wounds and such.-

Amelena: What happened to you?

JYAS: I'm a Jedi knight, I was wounded fighting Hannibal.

Amelena: That Hannibal! He dragged my whole family off to fight in his stupid war and I was the only one who stayed. Say, you're pretty hot.

JYAS: You sure are direct.

Amelena: I can be a little more direct if you like. Let's get you bandaged up for the moment though.

-The scene returns to the battle with Hannibal and Jariten and O.W. are defeated and quickly captured and put in little floaty prison things.-

Hannibal: What if I were to tell you that The protectors of the Republic and its free society are the Jedi Knights. This institution, too, has become highly multicultural. As seen in Episodes I and II of Star Wars the Jedi council has many different species represented on it. Coincidentally, the Jedi council has become corrupt. Also, I'm going to take over the universe as a home for walking carpet master race.

Jariten: please please please be joking

O.W.: AAArgh no more!

Hannibal: I have business to attend to I'll leave you two in the hands of my loyal servant, M. -He walks off and a woman with mercury oozing from her mouth and some strange rings in her pants comes in, already ranting.

M: She lost all of her children the day she was born. Eight years later mercury fillings were inserted into her lower bicuspids and an amazing amount of body electroconductivity and a tolerance for electroconductive wavesplit at the physical level. Electrical voltage at higher than normal levels could pass through her human body. This was largely due to the influences of astrology on the rare day she was born. Then it was forced into the sun by complicated math and physics by N.A.S.A. This means that the sun, which was now newly-fueled and hotter, would offer sunlight for many more years, but in the early years of this feat, some or all of the ice caps are expected to melt. Could they discover new techniques of quantum electrodynamics? What if a new form of brainwashing or mesmerization were possible? Would you know where to turn if you were the first person honest enough to report it?

Jariten: Oh dear sweet mother of force!

O.W.: What the fuck is a wavesplit???

-Meanwhile at Amelena's place JYAS is sitting up in bed talking with Amelena.-

JYAS: My family on Corruscant hated that I went to join the republic's forces. My father and mother had just died and my brother wanted me to stay and work the farm but I just couldn't. It seemed like I had to do something more, ya know. I'm sure they'll be even less pleased when they find out that I've joined Obi Wan on some fool idealistic crucade.

Amelena: I wish my family was like that, they'll probably all get killed in a battle for Corruscant or Dantooine or something...

JYAS: I hear you, it sucks being alone in this universe.

Amelena: -As their eyes meet- Well... Maybe we don't have to be... -She approaches his bed-

JYAS: Amelena no we can't. I have to go rescue O.W. and Jariten as soon as I get healed and after that we'll probably never see eachother again...

Amelena: We'll always have tonight though, if you want...

JYAS: Well then, here's to tonight. -The scene dims out and fades back in outer space a few weeks later where Hannibal's fleet has assembled and is heading for a republic base-

Hannibal: Attention republic nazi jews! All your base are belong to us! You have one chance to survive. Surrender within 29 parsecs. Make your time.

Base captain: What you say!

-The scene returns to Amelena bidding a tearful fairwell to JYAS-

Amelena: Please don't go Anakin...

JYAS: I have to, I can feel my friends suffering... Goodbye Amelena.. We'll meet again, I can feel it. -He rides off as Amelena falls ot the ground in tears and the scene switches to the floaty prison insanity chamber-

M: One day only M. and some dangerouns government scientists/beaurocrats still knew what had been done. Only telephone operators know how silenced we have become. And some savers are by default, because only they know. Whether or not the planet will drown depends upon her survival, but the experiments with time continued unashamedly, slowly killing her.

-The scene switches to JYAS tricking the guard into pulling his lip over his face and swallowing-

JYAS: Damn I love this Jedi deal. -He continues into the base as M's ruthless torture progresses-

M: Only extreme wavesplit prevents travel through time, but geo-orbiting satellites for radio and television can stream electricity from the sky into a human being to override natural wavesplit She should never be killed because all human life depends upon her astrologically-charted body and the new science. But the government wants her locked up forever.

O.W. and Jariten: Can't... handle... much... more...

JYAS: -Bursts through the door- Die ring girl!

M: Kill me! All you'll do is melt the polar icecaps and return Saturn to the original orbit. Don't get any closer or I'll use my wavesplit on you. I have a lot of electroconducaaaaahhhhh! -JYAS slices her in half-

JYAS: Now that's what I call wavesplit, biatch! Come on, we have to go stop Hannibal! -He frees them and they have a quick reunion and then go to a hangar, seeing that the only ships they can use are one-seaters-

JYAS: I have to go, I can feel it.

Jariten: I'm not getting stuck here either.

O.W.: I guess that leaves me then... I don't like it but I suppose someone should stay here to look after things. I'll catch up ok?

JYAS: One last thing, there's a woman named Amelena. She'll help you but make sure she's safe alright?

O.W.: I'll do all that I can. Fairwell.

-O.W. goes to join up with Amelena while the other two fly off to join the battle for the republic space station.-

Jariten: So what's so special about this station they're after?

JYAS: It's the one that guards one of the main trade routs for the republic. I found out their plans while I was raiding their base, they're going to try to capture merchant ships to use as troop transports for an invasion of Corruscant. If we don't stop them this'll be the end of the republic.

Jariten: I'll do what I can. I used to pilot a spice freighter for Lucas sometimes so I know a few moves.

-Meanwhile in Hannibal's commandship Hannibal talks to the base commander on the holo-screen-

Base commander: I don't know what you mean about releasing the seleucid greeks from bondage but I'm telling you there's no way I'll ever surrender.

Hannibal: Very well then. I shall be as a snail crawling across a straight razor blade...

Lackie: My lord, what orders do you have for a lowly sectarian triumverate frog sack?

Hannibal: If you listen close...you can hear them squeal... yup...the will of the force... They can eat a hundred times their own weight in five minutes.You know, you can only catch them at night. They make this horrible high-pitched noise. Sort of a tiny little scream.

Lackie: I'll take that to mean you want me to send all of our fighters to the front and leave our rear completely undefended like a hungry hungry hippo!

Hannibal: Precisely!

Jariten: All their fighters are preparing to attack. This is our chance!

JYAS: Release all ordinance on my mark... On target... Steady... Steady... MARK!

-The two fighters drop all their bombs into Hannibal's command ship and it explodes, offering barely any time for Hannibal to escape. Without his brilliant strategies the Hannibalian fleet was soon forced to retreat and toe their injured leader home.

Time passes. News of the victory and the selection of a successor the chancelor Belorem spreads to Eduin where Amelena and O.W. celebrate. The Jedi Council reacts as well:

Chefyoda: I fear that this is only the begining.

Despondis: I fear that I cannot think of a word with two Os, an M, an I, an N, a U and an S in it.

Next we see JYAS and Jariten awarded medals by republic officers as Chancelor Barentine watches from his palace on the opposite side of the square.

Barentine: I sense something in the young one... Perhaps I may put him to some use. Lackies, go fetch him for an audience with the supreme chancelor... Alone.

-A bit later-

JYAS: They've invited me to meet the supreme chancelor, this is great.

Jariten: Be careful, I don't like this, don't go my friend.

JYAS: Ah what's the worst that could happen. -He chuckles and slips off as Jariten watches him go and the scene cuts to Barentine's office-

Barentine: Ah, welcome young Skywalker, we meet at last. Come in, I'm sure there is much we can discuss.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 24 November 2004 - 08:27 AM

[Just your average movie goer]

BRILLIANT! Utterly brilliant!

It has a much, much, much better plot than the prequels, is highly entertaining and absolutely side-splittingly hilarious. I was laughing out loud (literally) so many times during it.

I love how well you've portrayed the rantings of Hannibal. He is the perfect villain... and you also provide a rather sympathetic portrayal of our poor misguided friend Jariten.

The banter and the jokes were first class... lots of great references (you even fit in "The Dark Side of the Moon" ... so nothing's untouched!)...

Oh, fantastic, fantastic work. That was one highly entertaining read.

AUTHOR!!! AUTHOR!!!


PS - Amelena's Asian, right? You know my tastes in women.

[SimeSublime]

I have to say that your use of Hannibals arguments hurt my head, but I liked it regardless. Unfortunatly, I got some bad news mid-way through and it kinda spoiled the second half.

One nitpick:

Amelena: I wish my family was like that, they'll probably all get killed in a battle for Corruscant or Dantooine or something...

Dantooine was destroyed 4 thousand years before this peice.

[J m HofMarN]

Then what is the rebel base doing on it in ANH?

[SimeSublime]

Oh, I didn't realise that. Malak must have just destroyed the Jedi accadmy there then. And I thought Dantooine was a new planet created for KotOR. Please tell me that Taris, Manaan and Korriban were orrigional?

[J m HofMarN]

Yes, all three of those are original. KotOR was a great game but you really aught to watch the OT more often. They worked in a line from Leiah in KotOR, that's how I remember Dantooine still exists.

[jariten]

i actually have a proper part and everything! proof that i'm not univerally hated then

loved Hannibals speeches

[Helena]

Ahahahaha! Oh, Chefelf, why don't you have an 'ROTFL' smiley? That was... just brilliant. Cruel, but brilliant. And I loved every single line of Hannibal's dialogue.

Hannibalian pilot: Prepare to die! Your chancelor bears a striking resemblance to hitler if you squint your eyes and look at him just right while drunk!

Anyway, keep it up. I can't wait for Darth Gonk to make his entrance.

[J m HofMarN]

I'm really glad you guys like the Hannibal rants. I went through a lot of pain to cut and paste from his actual words. I had to read through eight full pages of insanity scrawl so I'm glad it's appreciated.

Helena- thanks for not killing me for using you as Amelena.

Jariten- No problem at all, I thought it was really cool how we all suddenly worked together and put aside our differences during that little conflict and I wanted to capture that spirit, and stick up for the underdog as a habit.

[J m HofMarN]

Hi there. Not much for thanksgiving but I do have something. I really couldn't fit Boba Fett into the writing so I made a little action sequence to showcase him. Unfortunately none of the actors would agree to be seen with him so I went offsite and hired Pokey the Penguin to costar. The results really reveal a lot of Fett's character. Special thanks to Havelka for not killing me.

[Just your average movie goer]

That is great work, my friend. I can really understand Boba Fett's relentlessness now....

[J m HofMarN]

Young Jedi
Young Jedi for sale. aff Check out the deals now!

Google has hit a new low. I'm terribly sorry they're advertising this on my feature but there's nothing to be done about it...

[Madam Corvax]

Well, for me Google is advertising "Videospiele". I wonder why it keeps displaying ads in German for me. Not everyone in this part of Europe speaks German.

I loved the penguin, JM. Very sweet.

[Icey]

Awwww, that was great!! Took me two tries to finish, but that's doing all your reading in class for you.

Most will propably disagree with me on this one, but I thought the best line was....

"What you say?"

[J m HofMarN]

Star Wars Episode 2: Twilight of the republic

Eight months have passed since the defeat of the Hannibalian military at the battle of the tradeways. On Eduin, Hannibal readies his fleet for a final invasion, this time planning to assail corruscant directly. O.W. and the now heavily pregnant Amelena, sensing they must soon leave Eduin, decide to split up and flee once her children are born. Little do they know that Hannibal has plans for their children as well...

Meanwhile the Jedi council is in turmoil over whether to reveal themselves to face the twin threats of Hannibal's forces and the Sith who are now thought to have taken over the republic. Debate rages about whether to assail the republic leader before he reveals himself and whether the council will be able to focus on him without first addressing the threat posed by Hannibal...

On corruscant JYAS continues his friendship with Barentine despite Jariten's misgivings. Unable to sense the darkness within the chancelor and not knowing the insidiousness of the dark side, JYAS is enthralled by the chancellor and soon agrees to become the high protector of the republic, the first time a Jedi has taken up such a position in centuries. Seeing events coming to a head Jariten makes one last attempt to stop JYAS before he must swallow his pride and ask the council for help...


-The scene opens on a cheering crowd on Corruscant. The camera moves over the crowd as cries of "Long live the Chancelor!" are heard and, more ominously,"Death to Hannibal" and "Death to the enemies of the republic!" ring out. We see chancelor Barentine on a balcony addressing them.-

Barentine: People of the republic! Too long have villains plotted against you. Too long have you lived in unknowing peril. Hannibal is not our only enemy. And it is my responsibility as chancelor to hunt down all those who would harm the republic, even if they are not yet known! My responsibility, and that of the new high protector of the republic!

-The crowd breaks into cheers and Barentine smiles as he turns around and the scene switches to a hallway. Anakin walks down, his exp​ression is much more confident, even arrogant, and he wears a luxurious flowing cloak. Jariten, looking largely unchanged, ducks out from an unoccupied office and snatches Anakin by the collar, pinning him to a wall. Anakin draws forth his green lightsaber and immediately goes for Jariten's neck but Jariten swiftly draws his red blade and blocks it, only lowering the blade when recognition dawns past the rage in Anakin's eyes-

JYAS: What the hell do you think you're doing? You're not permitted here!

Jariten: And did that never strike you as odd? How many times have I warned you to be weary of Barentine?

JYAS: He's far wiser than you, you're merely a fallen follower of some archaic religion.

Jariten: -Astonished- You have turned from the ways of the Jedi?

JYAS: Barentine has taught me many new things. He told me you wouldn't understand and I should have believed him. The Jedi do nothing but scheme constantly. You know it as well as I do! What have the Jedi done to help stop Hannibal? What did the Jedi do to protect Chancelor Belorem? If they're so powerful they should have protected everyone. That's the price of power isn't it? It must be used in defense of the weak.

Jariten: The council have their ways. Even if I do not always agree with them they know what they're doing. There are greater dangers approaching than Hannibal. Protecting the weak? You're a fool Anakin. You think your powers make you strong? You think what Barentine has taught you makes you strong? We're all weak and susceptible to deception. I see that now. Remember what I said, there are greater threats approaching. -He starts for the door but Anakin holds out a hand and levitates him into the air-

JYAS: What are you talking about? What dangers do you know of? You had better not be concealing information from the chancellor.

Jariten: -Agitated- Of course I'm concealing information from the chancelor it's the chancelor I came to warn you of!

JYAS: Get out... Get out before I kill you.

Jariten: Listen to me Anakin you don't know what you're getting into I've felt it!

JYAS: Out! -Guards approach, escorting Jariten from the room as Anakin storms out of the room in the opposite direction, the camera following him as he comes to stand beside Barentine, the crowd cheering and the view switching to frontal as his angry and downcast eyes turn from the crowd and his face curves into a smile as Barentine sets a hand on his shoulder-

-Meanwhile, in Hannibal's base-

Hannibal: Joseph isn't to say or suggest that I was making any comparisons between past history and the politics of second, revised version of George, he liked it, and the logo went to finish without any further previous logos Walt Disney used this process in his garage when he put his first family to work, "inking" his pencilled drawings of Oswald the Lucky Rabbit, Mickey Mouse and, later, Donald Duck. Put out an all points bulletin on a pregnant woman traveling with a man.

Lackie: Why?

Hannibal: Isn't it obvious? She constitutes the pack of the true beasts of prey, the pack of the talented, which will dominate the growing herd of the others in one fashion or another.

Lackie: Yes, oh master of fruit rollups.

Strongbah spy: Trousers browsers functional bumps I have a fanny rump! -quietely writes down what's being said while continuing to mumble nonsense- Don't buy into that crazy conspirast JM because he'd just tell you some lies about antivampires to hide you from the TRUTH. I'm here to convince every one the truth, but they're either linked to the Masons or brainwashed by them!

Hannibal: That's the kind of performance I like to see. Consider yourself a colonel.

-The scene next switches to O.W. and Amelena meeting at the secret rebel base.-

Rebel leader: Because most of Hannibals troops are completely insane it was easy for us to have some of our operativess infiltrate his base by talking about Evita Peron, Freemasons and various other lunacy. They have discovered that his plans occur in four steps which I shall detail using impressive holographic technology.
Step 1 involved Hannibal talking about forest hermits beating people with pokers and the international invertebrate conspiracy to overthrow and kill all animals with backbones. Naturally noone cares about step 1. Step 2 involved taking over a jump point near some remote planet that will allow his ships to travel behind republic lines, to Alderaan. He's using a new model of ship and we've gained a photo of one of them.



O.W.: If they reach Alderaan they'd be within striking distance of Corruscant! We can't let this happen!

Rebel leader: Hold on Obi Wan. His third goal is to land his troops on Corruscant and take over the republic.

Amelena: Than what is his fourth goal?

Rebel leader: He plans to cover the planet in REALLY stupid, random posters like these.








Amelena: -On the verge of hysterics- OH NO! Obi Wan! We can't let him do this it'll be the end of civilaztion!

Obi Wan: We'll stop him, calm down remember your children... As soon as you give birth we'll head for Alderaan to warn King number two and the rest of the republic. If only the communications out from this planet weren't being monitored...

Rebel leader: Obi Wan, because of your knowledge of the ways of the legendary Jedi we're putting you in charge of this operation. We will do whatever we can to return sanity to the republic from here and to defeat Hannibal. I must warn you however. Hannibal knows of Amelena's pregancy and any pregnant women traveling off the planet will be looked over most closely.

Amelena: We have very little time, I'll leave as soon as I give birth. They won't be expecting me to take my child with me but Obi Wan, we'd better split up. I'll head to Aderaan to meet with the king, you go to that mysterious planet they'll be making the jump near and see what you can do.

Obi Wan: Say, what is the name of this planet they're going into hyperspace near anyhow?

Rebel leader: It is called Tatooine.

-The scene switches to a launch pad where Jariten is preparing to board his ship. However out of nowhere several republic police approach accompanied by Darth Gonk, who looks very similiar to regular gonk except painted red and black and with a light saber duct taped onto the top.-

Darth Gonk: Gonk! Gonk!

Jariten: You have no power over me, Sith scum!

Darth Gonk: Gonk! Gonk! -Charges forward and then reverses, stabbing randomly in a rather comical fashion. The guards attack as well and Jariten soon dispatches them all and then disarms Darth Gonk-

Jariten: Wait a second. You're not Darth Gonk, you're just regular Gonk with face paint and a light saber!

Darth Gonk: Gonk...

Jariten: I've no time for this, I must warn the council. -He enters the ship and blasts off. As the wind whips about from his escape Barentine appears, dressed in Sidious' robes and looks to Darth Gonk-

Barentine: You know the price of failure, Gonk. Soon I shall have a new apprentice.

Darth Gonk: Gonk you...

Barentine: Gonk me indeed. I must go speak with young Skywalker, fair well Gonk.

-The scene moves to Jariten floating about in space heading towards Dagobah and talking to himself.-

Jariten: How foolish I was. I should have gone to the council sooner... I don't know if there's any hope for Anakin now and it's my fault. Master Despondis was right the whole time. I never should have left and if I hadn't maybe this wouldn't be happening. Rargh!!!

-Jariten's cry of anguish is soon met with a female one and we see Obi Wan holding Amelena's hand as she gives birth. The scene then cuts to Barentine telling Anakin about Jariten leaving.

Barentine: He has turned on you my friend, as Jedi are wont to do. In time you will come to understand. I am sorry, I know this betrayal must be painful to endure...

JYAS: Why? Why would he just... DAMN IT!

-He covers his face with his hands breathing heavily as the scene switches back to Amelena, also breathing heavily but soon calming as the doctor announces the birth of twins. While Amelena and Obiwan look to them we see Anakin raise his face with an evil and wrathful glint in his eyes.-

Barentine: Do not fear my apprentice. Jariten is a friend of Lucas the Hutt, he cannot claim the moral high ground -- the high horse of morality that Lucas the Hutt rides only has three legs and one eye...and tends to walk in circles alot...and walks under alot of low branches...

-Anakin nods and storms off evily-

-A senator enters, and it turns out to be senator Jordan-

Senator Jordan: You wanted to see me my lord?

Barentine: Ah yes, sit down with us. I think we should talk about the defense of our fine republic. The universe is a dangerous place after all.

Senator Jordan: I quite agree.

-The door closes and we're whisked off to another scene on Eduin-

O.W.: We'll rendezvous on Alderaan

Amelena: Alright Obi, be careful... Obi?

OW: Yes?

Amelena: I want you to take Luke with you. I'm not sure Alderaan is the place for him, somehow... I feel it... I'll bring Leiah with me.

OW: Tatooine is hardly a place for a child Amelena.

Amelena: Please Obi Wan? You can leave him with Anakin's parents. I'll take Leiah to Alderaan with me. That way if something should... if something happened to one of us at least...

OW: Don't talk like that. I'll see you on Alderaan. -They part ways, each charrying one of Amelena's children and the scene follows Obi Wan to Tatooine-

Obi Wan: I'm too late, they've already taken the necessary coordinates... Perhaps the locals can help... -He guides his ship down to the planet quietely well outside of any villages and lands near the location of Owen and Beru's house. The two come out of their dwelling.-

Obi Wan: Are you the Larses?

Owen: We are. Who are you? You're one of those offworlders aren't you?

Obi Wan: I'm a friend of your brother Anakin's.

Owen: I thought you looked like the kind to hang around him. You're probably the one who dragged him off for all I know.

Obi Wan: Please, I don't wish a part in family quarrels. I've been sent here to ask you to take care of your nephew Luke. I need to be going as quickly as I can. The fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance.

Beru: You're certainly a friend of Akin's, you sound just like him.

Owen: Yes, always on about saving this or rescuing that. We'll take care of the child, but please, don't come back here.

Obi Wan: -He hands Luke to Beru- I won't, if I can help it. I suppose there's noone around here who could help me in this war?

Beru: Ah, he looks just like Anakin did when he was small... Oh, the Hutts run things around here.

Obi Wan: There's no love between the Hutts and the Jedi. Fairwell. -He returns to his ship as the couple looks on holding Luke. The scene switches to Alderaan-

Amelena: Your majesty. I didn't merely come to seek child care.

King number two: Really now?

Amelena: I came to ask your aid in delaying the attack on Corruscant. Hannibals forces will come out of hyberspace very near to this planet.

King number two: Alderaan is a peaceful planet with only minor defenses. I can only protect you, I can't fight a war for you. If you wanted someone to do that you could go find some Jedi.

Amelena: Anakin... I suppose you're right.

Operator: Your majesty? We're getting a hailing frequency from admiral Hannibal my lord.

King Number 2: Right, put him on screen.

Hannibal: There is no room here for your logic anymore. You must join us in the posting of random conspiracy theories or die. Soon you will see the true power of my faux real architecture conveyed through Charles Lippincott, who was handling the publicity for Max Miedinger for the Haas Type Foundry in Switzerland. However, there existed an earlier typeface that was designed and put into use by me.

King number 2: Uh ... get back to me on that. So far, all I see is an incoherent collage. -turns off the screen- What a fucknaut. Alright Amelena, we'll help you. Our planetary defenses may not be much but we'll try to slow them down. The majority of our troops are clones, we'd been unsure about whether it would be ethical to use them for civilian policing and such but now I suppose we'll need to send them into action. Let the clone wars begin...

Amelena: Here we go!

-Obi Wan's ship lands and King number 2 and Amelena rush out to meet him.-

OW: I left Luke with Anakin's family, he should be safe there though they don't much care for me. What's going on here?

Amelena: Leah is safe in the palace and the king has agreed to adopt her until Anakin and I sort things out.

OW: Wow, so I'm going to be a general fighting for Leah's father in the clone wars then? Who'd have fought!

Amelena: I wish I could stay with her longer...

OW: What do you mean? You're not coming with me.

Amelena: The hell I'm not! I'll either go with you and fight or you can stay here and hold me back!

OW: I just cant win sometimes... Alright. Let's go ready the troops. Thank you your majesty.

King number two: No problem.

-The scene switches and Obiwan and Amelena are on the bridge of a small cruiser with a few other vessels and fighters around. Obiwan begins giving commands.-

Obi Wan: When their cruisers come out of hyper space hit them with the heavy bombs and run. We can't fight them if we're loaded down with anti-ship munitions but we can scatter the fleet and give Corruscant time to prepare. Everyone do your best to come out alive!

-A lengthy space battle ensues as the small bombers from Alderaan fight the armada of Admiral Hannibal. The scene cuts out at a particularly tense moment and turns to the council on Dagobah-

Vewingav: Master Yoda, we cannot wait much longer. We must attack the leader of the Sith before he declares himself as emperor!

Yoda: Defeat him and Hannibal both, you think we can? Wait to see the outcome of the clone war, we must. Fall in to Barentine's trap we would if we rushed in.

Despondis: It looks like we may have to.

Vewingav: I'm almost certain that it's Barentine pulling the strings here. I mean, look at what happened to his predecessor. Could him and Hannibal be working together?

Despondis: The whole death of chancelor Belorem seems odd to me- Open canopied vehicles, expert marksmanship, who's the assassin?, grassy knoll, leaked autopsy photos, Getting the body out of Dodge, pronto and hiding in desparation in a darkened theatre hoping things will get better.

Yoda: Hell are you talking about, what the?

Vewingav: Sorry about Despondis master Yoda, that Hannibal fellow's been getting to him.

-Jariten walks in through some brush, speaking right on the end of Vewingav's words-

Jariten: It's not Hannibal we need to worry about my friend.

Despondis: Is that you? Jariten?

Jariten: Master.

Yoda: Returned to us, have you?

Jariten: I have my old friend. And I bring news. The dark lord of the Sith is on Corruscant. I have felt his presence and I'm sure of what he's up to now. Anakin is on his side. What news of Obi Wan?

-The scene returns from Obi Wan as the Hannibalian fleet scatters and tries to persue the bombers. Finally Hannibal, enraged, orders his fleet to reform quickly and the Alderanian fighters begin to return home. A heartfelt hug is shared between Amelena and O.W.-

Vewingav: We received a transmission from him. He is on Alderaan preparing to stall Hannibals troops. Fear not, the force is with him.

Jariten: I fear for all of us, but you're right, sometimes one must have faith.

Desponds: I can see that you have returned as a master, my old padawan. I will be glad to join you once more in battle.

Jariten: It will be an honor, my master. You mean to go to Corruscant then?

Yoda: Risen the Sith have. The time to reveal ourselves, now is. Got to Corruscant, we all will. Decided there our future will be...

-The scene turns now to Obi Wan, speaking to Amelena in the hangar bay-

Obi Wan: I think now is the time for your reunion with Anakin...

Amelena: Aren't you happy for the chance to see your old pupil again?

Obi Wan: I don't know. I've got a bad feeling about this...

-Later, on Corruscant, the senate is in session when suddenly Hannibal comes on the giant holographic viewing device-

Hannibal: Attention republic senate: Jar-Jar defeats the robotic invaders to protect half of the planet. Fortunately, there can be interspecies mating with such groups, so friendship of white humans is possible with such "walking carpets." Although the mixed-race clones (Stormtroopers) tend to be good fighters, they are usually defeated by hard-fighting white humans. from Greedo to Walrus Man: my ships are still heading for Corruscant.

Senator Jordan: I heard what hannibal said. It sounded smart due to the elegant delivery. I'm pretty sure it was some manner of threat so we should make a stronger military.

Senator who often watches movies: What the devil is wrong with you? Why are you siding with these fools?

Senator Jordan: Sith are my new party since they have not had majority in a long time.

Senator who often watches movies: We cannot enlarge the military to such insane numbers as you and chancelor evil... I mean Barentine propose. And what's this appropriations bill for bulky white masks and ineffective plastic armor? This will raise the deficit to unheard of levels!

Senator Jordan: We need to get spice out of this war inorder to pay off the debt. We will never leave till that's done.

Senator who often watches movies: But isn't it written in history that the Jedi have always protected the republic from the Sith?

Senator Jordan: The Jedi hate the Sith because they are Sith. They don't want them there. It was Yoda and crew who started the fight.

Senator who often watches movies: But did not the ancient Jedi master Yoda say...

Senator Jordan: "I'm sure Yoda loved us too. I think if we sided with the Jedi, and then started helping them remove the Sith, then you guys would think Yoda is a bastard simply because the republic would be on his side. It's a fad to hate anything endorsed by the republic. Damn those bastards to hell."

Senator who often watches movies: Don't say silly things, Jordan.

Senator Jordan: I believe it is time we put this to a vote. With the imminent invasion it's most certain that it will pass -he smirks and Barentine nods to him-

-The scene closes and we next see Jordan and Barentine looking out over the familiar scene of storm troopers and imperial cruisers before the credits roll-