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The epic and mystical journey of Glamis the Great A novel

#31 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 16 November 2004 - 10:43 PM

We broke camp in the morning, but were able to duct tape it back together soon after. We started off and marched all day, singing various interesting songs to pass the time which won't be detailed here.

Along the way we found a screen made from the mane of a lion with a picture of a naked woman on it. Some sort of porn I suppose. Naturally Crotch laid claim to it. And we all teased him about it a bit.

Just before dusk we reached a tiny village near the central mountains. We wanted to go and sleep in a dark abandoned cave but Randylyl would have none of it and we figured we'd give the crybaby his way and stay at an inn, since he needed to heal anyhow.

As we reached the outskirts of the town we saw a sign bearing the towns name, which was "Intwentiwonohoneadeewarwazbegining" A rather odd name for a town but I didn't think much of it. As we drew closer we saw a great deal of running about going on and general chaos. Smoke rose from the center of the village as if there'd just been an explosion. The captain of the village guard was standing at the gates and I called out to him "Captain, what happen?"

"Somebody set up us the bomb!" He replied in rather poor grammar.

Suddenly from a ways off someone waved a flag as if to signal that the village was under attack and Randylyl pointed it out deftly. "We get signal!"

I looked around for a way to return the signal and grabbed up the painted screen that Crotch had. Crotch stared at it as I waved it in the air and became obviously aroused and Pinecone found it to be a great opportunity to pick on the dwarf.

"Mane screen turn on?" He asked the dwarf with a hearty laugh.

Crotch sputtered but held his tongue, not wanting to be ravaged again by the elf.

Suddenly some lunatic ran by, followed by a great many guards.

"All your base are belong to us!" He cried, before adding in. "You are on the way to destruction!"

Gilliam looked at him curiously. "What you say?" He asked.

"You have no chance to survive. Make your time. Hahaha." The lunatic called out.

Finally the guards captured the man, who's name turned out to be Zig.

The captain of the guard approached angrily and glowered at him. "Move Zig" He said, pointing towards the outskirts of the village and then turning to the prisoner. "For great justice take off every Zig!"

Zig understood the meaning of these words, he was banished forever and ran off into the wilderness as I went to go question the captain about the strange occurence and handed crotch back his pornography.

"What was all that about?" I asked him. "Man was bad. Worked for Robear did he."

I suddenly realized that we were in a village where everyone spoke poorly translated English, and proceeded to warn the party about this as Phil's interest was kindled and he went to question the guard.

"What was he doing bombing this town?" Phil inquired.

"He was tried to kill our lord simply because he will ravaged a few people and tax all us into starvation. He is be nothing but one of Robear's trouble starters!" Said the captain scornfully.

Phil nodded gravely. "So I see that the reach of the evil one has effected even places this far North. We must be weary. Thank you for your time, captain."

"You talk me anytime you will like." Replied the gramattically challenged one.

"Ummm yeah." Replied Phil, as we went off to find an inn to spend the night and we all followed him. We finally came to "Teh In" And decided it looked like an alright place even though the "e" was backwards.

For some reason they let us all stay in one room. Let me tell you it was hell fitting eight people into one bed!

Quote

I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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#32 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 16 November 2004 - 11:07 PM

(( please ignore my last post, this bastard forum wouldn't let me edit it to add in some stuff I forgot. If anyone can please delete it or tell me how to edit posts ))

We broke camp in the morning, but were able to duct tape it back together soon after. We started off and marched all day, singing various interesting songs to pass the time which won't be detailed here.

Along the way we found a screen made from the mane of a lion with a picture of a naked woman on it. Some sort of porn I suppose. Naturally Crotch laid claim to it. And we all teased him about it a bit.

"Haha stupid dwarf. Does your mane screen turn you on?" Pinecone asked?

Crotch threw an axe at him and missed. Pinecone retaliated by using his berserker skills on the poor dwarf and beating the crap out of him with his bow. We finally seperated them when Phil threatened them. "I'll turn this quest around right this minute if you don't stop!"

They both pouted before nodding and as we continued on I helped Crotch patch up his wounds.

Just before dusk we reached a tiny village near the central mountains. We wanted to go and sleep in a dark abandoned cave but Randylyl would have none of it and we figured we'd give the crybaby his way and stay at an inn, since he needed to heal anyhow.

As we reached the outskirts of the town we saw a sign bearing the towns name, which was "Intwentiwonohoneadeewarwazbegining" A rather odd name for a town but I didn't think much of it. As we drew closer we saw a great deal of running about going on and general chaos.

Smoke rose from the center of the village as if there'd just been an explosion. The captain of the village guard was standing at the gates and I called out to him "Captain, what happen?"

"Somebody set up us the bomb!" He replied in rather poor grammar.

Suddenly from a ways off someone waved a flag as if to signal that the village was under attack and Randylyl pointed it out deftly. "We get signal!"

I looked around for a way to return the signal and grabbed up the painted screen that Crotch had. Crotch stared at it as I waved it in the air and became obviously aroused and Pinecone found it to be a great opportunity to pick on the dwarf.

"Mane screen turn on?" He asked the dwarf with a hearty laugh.

Crotch sputtered but held his tongue, not wanting to be ravaged again by the elf.

Suddenly some lunatic ran by, followed by a great many guards.

"All your base are belong to us!" He cried, before adding in. "You are on the way to destruction!"

Gilliam looked at him curiously. "What you say?" He asked.

"You have no chance to survive. Make your time. Hahaha." The lunatic called out.

Finally the guards captured the man, who's name turned out to be Zig.

The captain of the guard approached angrily and glowered at him. "Move Zig" He said, pointing towards the outskirts of the village and then turning to the prisoner. "For great justice take off every Zig!"

Zig understood the meaning of these words, he was banished forever and ran off into the wilderness as I went to go question the captain about the strange occurence and handed crotch back his pornography.

"What was all that about?" I asked him. "Man was bad. Worked for Robear did he."

I suddenly realized that we were in a village where everyone spoke poorly translated English, and proceeded to warn the party about this as Phil's interest was kindled and he went to question the guard.

"What was he doing bombing this town?" Phil inquired.

"He was tried to kill our lord simply because he will ravaged a few people and tax all us into starvation. He is be nothing but one of Robear's trouble starters!" Said the captain scornfully.

Phil nodded gravely. "So I see that the reach of the evil one has effected even places this far North. We must be weary. Thank you for your time, captain."

"You talk me anytime you will like." Replied the gramattically challenged one.

"Ummm yeah." Replied Phil, as we went off to find an inn to spend the night and we all followed him. We finally came to "Teh In" And decided it looked like an alright place even though the "e" was backwards.

For some reason they let us all stay in one room. Let me tell you it was hell fitting eight people into one bed! We talked for a while before going to sleep and Phil gave us some more advice.

"Things will get tougher from here on out." He said as he grappled for space with Zorbilliam.

"Well of course they weill!" Cried the insane one. "We're in a frickin inn at the moment doing absolutely nothing how could things not get tougher compared to this?"

Zorbilliam smacked him with his sword, rather cranky from the day's march and wanting to go to sleep as S.W. stared out the window.

I looked over to Phil curiously and asked "Why did Zig want to blow up this town's ruler?" Phil turned to me and shook his head. "I can scarcely fathom it. Robear is a mad man. So are his followers."

"You mean like Randylyl?" I asked as the crazy person in the bed with us gave an exasperated grunt.

"No." Replied Phil, looking to Randylyl. "Not quite that mad. Robear seeks to overthrow and ruin all the beloved corrupt monarchies of the world. That is why he must be stopped. Do you understand?" I nodded a bit.

"And I suppose S.W. is the scion of one of thos monarchies who is in hiding from Robear?" I asked, thinking I was being quite perceptive.

"No, actually I met him in a dark alley. He was ravaging a woman in a rather surly manner and, being too polite to interupt, I waited til he was finish to ask him if he'd like to be our party's Surly Wanderer and he said yes. He has an ancient lineage though."

"More ancient than tuesday you mean?" I inquired.

"Ummm, yes, somehow, in a manner of speaking." Replied the wizard mysteriously, a bit befuddled. "Let's get some rest."

I took his council to heart and layed down to sleep on the bed, which looked like a giant game of homosexual twister.

Quote

I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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#33 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 17 November 2004 - 03:42 AM

Great work, mixing Sci-fi with Fantasy.

Noticed this though:
QUOTE
"That's odd, I had always been under the impression that sorceresses were hideous." I pointed out.

But a sorceresses prime attribute is charisma!
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#34 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 17 November 2004 - 06:59 PM

An excellent point, I shall have to change that to witches, which is what it was originally to mean.

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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Posted 17 November 2004 - 07:03 PM

Good stuff, mate. I would have responded earlier but the forum turned all stupid on me last night.
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#36 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 19 November 2004 - 04:04 AM

I want to pause from the writing to thank you guys again for all your comments, without you I wouldn't have even gotten this far. I've fallen into one of those fits of ennui and depression that tends to occur when I've been alone too long (especially without hte light of this forum) but when I go back to work this weekend I'll feel a great deal better and be able to produce more. Keep up the critiquing and thanks again, all of you reading this are as responsible for the story's existence as I am so thanks muchly.

Note to self : Include "how are you gentlemen" in AYB dialogue. Also, start numbering your chapters.

Note to Chefself: Allow editing in the screening room, please!

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 19 November 2004 - 04:07 AM

Quote

I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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#37 User is offline   Madam Corvax Icon

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Posted 19 November 2004 - 04:26 AM

JW - the forum is now back on-line, you can always turn for comfort here (even reading old threads is fun, as I discovered yesterday, when I wanted desperately to post something, but I could not).

Please do not feel alone, I cannot speak for eveyone, but I am right with you.
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#38 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 19 November 2004 - 06:18 AM

Funny that going to work will break depression, but I know what you mean. This forum, and your(including JYAMG and Barend here too)stories are a great way to cheer up.
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#39 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 19 November 2004 - 06:41 AM

Thanks Madam and Sime. This forum really is great and its absence was one of the problem. Work just gets my mind off things and gets me out of the solitude of my room, I read in a Kesey book that its helpful to be around other people and thats what work does. Really I'd be fine just sitting alone in my room as long as I have the forums and my varied friends on instant messanger. I think I feel up to making another chapter, I'll do that tonight hopefully.

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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Posted 19 November 2004 - 06:57 AM

Anyway, it's good to hear your feeling better. I blame the forum downtime for your depressive episode. That's the problem right there.
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#41 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 19 November 2004 - 07:57 AM

I awoke and began the task of disentangling myself from everyone else on the polka dot bedspread. First I put my right hand on a blue circle and flipped over Randylyl, positioning both my feet on a red circle. Then things got tricky when I had to place my right hand on green and my right foot on yellow.

When I had finally finished I found that Zorbilliam had also escaped the bed and decided that I should learn more about what he had done in the three days before we met. "Hey, you want to go talk over breakfast? I'll buy." I was hoping to entice him with this last part but I'd forgotten a prime rule of adventuring.

"Why would you have to buy breakfast? We're adventurers, the only things we pay for are medicine, equipment and lodging in shoddy rooms which we're all supposed to be able to fit in." I smacked my forehead for the stupidity of my answer.

"Good point. And even the equipment we buy is vastly inferior to what we find on our way around anyhow." I said sagely, having been an adventurer ever since my father died on wednesday.

"What do you mean?" Asked the fallen monarch.

"I'll show you on the way to the eatery." I replied. He nodded and we moved out into the streets where I immediately stumbled over a suit of armor and put it on. "See what I mean? For some reason stuff like this just pops out of nowhere wherever we go. And you should see the loot from when we get in a fight!"

Zorbilliam seemed interested in this and so the next passers by we saw we attacked. Since the monsters were unarmed we made quick work of them, especially since they were only two women doing their laundry. Regardless of this small difficulty since we slew them they immediately developed hordes of gold and valuable items on their bodies, by much the same means as the armor had appeared.

The village people soon gathered around, planning to linch us but I simply waved a hand and told them we were adventurers. The villagers let out a universal nod of understanding and disappeared with many shrugs of shoulders and remarks about how lucky they were to have adventurers about.

Zorbilliam and I washed off our weapons and then walked over the bodies into the cafe. We sat down at a comfortable table and began to eat our fill of coffee and eggs benedict.

"So, where do you come from?" I asked casually.

"Carmalon. My family ruled there for a long time before I was deposed on thursday and came to join the quest to stop Robear." He replied, speaking the name of his enemy bitterly.

"How was your country until it was stolen from you by the great enemy of us all?" I inquired curiously.

"Oh it was a utopia I tell you!" He said, his eyes gleaming with tender memories. "I remember on tuesday I celebrated the begining of the world by offering some of my table scraps to the starving peasants. Of course they had to fight to the death for them you know but it was a grandiose show. And we always had people to behead for stealing food and then there were always people trying to overthrow me I had to torture."

"Sounds lovely. I'm sorry it had to come to such an abrupt end." I said sympathetically.

"Oh there's more, so much more than I can ever tell. We had a contest every day and the winner didn't have to give me all his days earnings. Of course he was drawn and quartered the next day for tax evasion but it really helped make the filthy peasants happy. And you know, when you care about your filthy peasants they really show it."

"How so?" I asked curiously.

"Well every decent kingdom tortures and taxes its populous into starvation but I really wanted to take a personal hand in the misery of the masses. On wednesdays I would whip the prisoners in the dungeon personally."

"You didn't!" I said in disbelief.

"Oh yes, by my very own hand. Like I said you could really tell they appreciated it. When they tried to assassinate me they always used the finest arrows. I went through thirteen body doubles since tuesday." He said fondly.

"You must be the greatest ruler ever!" I exclaimed. "What about royal ravagings?"

"Oh I'm very proud of that system. Whereas most monarchs go out to find people to ravage I actually had them come to me every night in line. I usually only had time for one thrust before the next one came but, like I said, you could still tell the women appreciated the attention. Why some of them even spit at me. Of course they were killed afterwards."

"Naturally." I nodded.

"But of course. Well anyhow things were going great until they overthrew me and exiled me. I can hardly think what my dirty rabble must be doing without me. I'm sure they're lost, utterly lost without their beloved leader." He mourned.

"Curse the name of Robear the Red!" I cried.

"Curse him!" Came the return from my companion.

After finishing our breakfasts we walked out after telling the waiter that our food was free since we were adventurers. He asked for a tip so I impaled him and said. "Here's a tip, get that spear out of your belly. HAHAHAHA!" Of course he was clearly extorting money from us so it was ok and we all had a great laugh about it, even the waiter.

As we walked out I chuckled and looked to Zorbilliam. "You know, I never even knew I wielded a spear." I mused.

"Neither did I." Said he and we both had a fine laugh about it.

When we returned to the inn we found that everyone was ready to continue on and so we started out of the quaint little town of Intwentiwonohoneadeewarwazbegining and headed north for the river of misery. Randylyl was in a rather foul mood. "Do you fools realize that if we'd just take the Eastern road we wouldn't have to ford any rivers at all?" He asked.

"Do you realize that you're insane?" Asked Gilliam.

That shut Randylyl up until we reached the horribly swelled river of misery and began to ford it. Gilliam soon disappeared beneath the waves and we all mourned his loss for about ten seconds until Randylyl broke the silence, trying to speak and avoid drowning at the same time.

"I burble blurble told you we should have burble taken the eastern road blurble blurble." His head fell below the water, giving Phil a chance to chide him. "And I told you" He said as he began to be washed away by the deadly undertow. "That it would be too blurble blurble perilous!"

When we reached the other side we grabbed a long pole to fish the soaking wet wizard out of the river and recover Gilliam's body. However before we could he had found us. I couldn't help but be a little disappointed that one of the party members who was supposed to die had somehow survived and was in dry clothes and high spirits to boot.

"Hey guys, I found a really creepy castle we can spend the night in!" He said gleefully.

Randylyl drew breath to speak and SW quickly shoved him back into the river as we all began to follow Gilliam.

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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Posted 19 November 2004 - 08:06 AM

I love the way that the peasents were refered to as 'monsters', and the whole Tuesday thing is working really well.
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#43 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 19 November 2004 - 08:27 AM

I'm glad you like that. I thought it would be a really great bit of irony seeing as how most fantasists build huge backstories (though none can compare in substance to Tolkien)

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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Posted 19 November 2004 - 11:12 AM

I love the whole Tuesday thing as well. It's great... and it's cool how it's always worked into the story somewhere.

But my favourite part about this was the reference to all these computer games where you just find valuable items lying around EVERYWHERE and everyone you kill has a shitload of valuables on them. That was brilliant.

I'm enjoying this a lot, mate. And I'm also happy to see Randylyl still going strong, alive and well. smile.gif
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Posted 19 November 2004 - 12:08 PM

Chapter Nine: In the house of Lord Darkskull Blackmoonroseblood

After Randylyl cleared the water from his lungs he muttered something about how he was going to go home as soon as he got some decent loot.

We walked for the rest of the day and finally came upon a dark and dillapidated castle just as the sun was setting. Wolves howled in the distance. Phil was hard pressed to decide whether it would be more fun to sleep outdoors or to brave the castle.

"We shall journey into this castle." Phil said with a nod.

"H0|d" Said Surly Wanderer. "1 $3n$3 a gr3a7 3v1| here. And an 0m1n0u$ p0w3r. W3 mus7 b3 w3ary."

We all turned, amazed by the fact that the normally silent adventurer had spoken and certainly willing to heed his warnings.

We advanced into the castle casually and were received by a pale servant who said that his master was waiting for us in the dining hall.

We all sat down and a pale assed guy with stringly black hair came out wearing a black satin robe. His fangs and eye shadow glinted in the candlelight as he spoke. "Hello I am Lord Darkskull S. Blackmoonroseblood. Would you care for some bloodwyne?"

Everyone at the table excepting lord assface quickly turned to the fellow beside him and snickered through their nose. Phil finally came out as the spokesman for the party. "Umm yes. I would like some." He stopped to snicker. "Bloodwyne. But could you perhaps repeat your name, we mortals are somewhat forgetful."

Lord Greysunirisurine quickly poured out a glass of wine with blood in it and then sat down gracefully. "Of course. I am Lord Darkskull Blackmoonroseblood." We all fell over laughing with the exception of S.W.

"Just how did you come by that name. Is it Italian?" Asked Randylyl the mad with a hint of mirth to his voice."

"No, I gave it to myself. My name used to be Steve."

"And you find whatever you just said was your name somehow easier to use? How long does it take you to sign a check or introduce yourself. Don't people think you're an idiot?" Asked Randylyl as we all tried to hide our laughter.

"Shut up!" Replied lord Barkmulch.

"Fair enough, but if it had been me I'd have stuck with Steve, Steve." We all fell to laughing again.

"What are you laughing at!? How dare you mock Lord Darkskull! I'm very gothic and deep! I listen to The Cure!" He said petulantly.

This only drew more uproar from us but eventually we were able to stop and Phil said that he had cast a laughter spell on us and we weren't at all laughing at his exceedingly lame gothic type name. "Sorry about that Lord Parkhull Moonrosebloodblack." I said as I tried to suppress a chortle.

"Darskull Blackmoonroseblood!" He corrected angrily.

We all once again tried desperately to avoid laughter and dug into our food. At the end of the meal our host offered to read us some of his poetry. "Certainly lord" He had to stop to laugh. "Fartbull, go ahead." Said Crotch. "DARKSKULL DAMN IT!" He cried angrily as we all hid our laughter.

Once he calmed down and we had finished eating he began to read some horrible gothic poetry, each line worse than the next. Here is something like it, only not as horrible, for if I told the entire thing I doubt the constitution of just your average novel goer would be able to handle it seeing as we barely survived it ourselves.

"Oh my mysery
It is myserable
insyde of me
I'm not amyable
because I'm so darque
and gothique
I dont walk in the parque
or get chycques
but I have black face paint
and a satin robe thats black
and varyous other stuff that aint
whyte or any other color that isnt black
I randomly replace I with Y because its so cool
and I like to use que in place of the letter k
but I hate my life
and I long for death
and I read depressing poetry
and I get blood breath
oh the night is so darque
darque like my heart"

At this point we could stand no more and we fled. Our party was mad with the horror of lord Arsetool's poetry. I found myself alone in a bedroom and three scantily clad vampiresses soon approached.

"Oh, I suppose you're going to seduce me and make me one of the undead so I can stop using the letter I and write whiney poetry. I'm onto you bitches!" I cried out.

"Good heavens no!" They sighed. "We were just looking for our clothes. We had to wash them after the trip up from the local school where we were teaching about safe sex with vampires."

"Safe sex with vampires?" I inquired curiously.

"Oh yes." They replied in unison. "Vampirism is an STD you know. It's very important to use protection when having any sort of relations with a vampiress. We were showing the school children how to apply fang-doms to their fangs incase they ever became vampires and got the urge to bite people. Peer pressure is a leading cause of biting among our kind... That and the insaciable thirst for mortal blood."

They smiled and continued on with their educational presentation, showing me how to apply fangdoms to my canines. "Fangdoms may work well but the only one hundred percent effective way to prevent vampirism is abstinence. If your date starts pushing to bite you be assertive, she'll understand."

After that they showed me a video titled "Duke bloodyfistserpant tried to get some". I think it did an excellent job of showing ways in which a teen can avoid the pressure to "put out" their blood when pressed by a vampiric seducer. "Thank you." I told them. "That was most enlightening."

They nodded and smiled. "No problem, we're here to help." And with that they were gone and I went back to the hall where the rest of the party had by now regained their wits. Lord Jethrotull had been savagely beaten to death and then burned and we were just about to leave when another one appeared. "Hello I am."

SW cut him off. "1 kn0w wh0 y0u ar3, Count Blooddrippingfrozentamponpopsicle."

"That's McBlooddrippingfroazentamponpopsicle, fool! And you must be... Ah yes... You and I are the last aren't we. Well you know what they say, there can be only one." The vampire said as he unsheathed his REALLY cool katana from his REALLY cool black trenchcoat.

"Yes, and I already called it." Said SW.

"I wonder, do your friends know what you're after, lost one?" Asked count name too long to bother with.

"All of y00! G3t 0u7 0f h3r3!" Cried SW.

"Fool. You cannot hope to defeat me. I am a -3 generation neotrangite vampire. Your blood will be as a ummm... tasty thing to me." Cackled whoever the hell that guy is.

"I am |3373R than y00!" Cried the vampire. "I shall bite you and it'll really really hurt!"

"N0! I am the |337e$7!" Retorted our champion, the sounds of battle erupting as we fled the castle.

We wasted no time in heeding his words, fearing another poetry reading. We stopped to await our friend outside, hoping for his deliverance.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 19 November 2004 - 12:30 PM

Quote

I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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