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The epic and mystical journey of Glamis the Great A novel

#16 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 14 November 2004 - 04:58 AM

Before we could leave though there was one last thing to do and Gilliam pointed it out to us all. "We all have to decide what part to play in this grand adventure before we leave!" He said, smiling at having said something bright despite his impending doom. Everyone else realized that they almost forgot the most important part of adventuring and quickly put forth their choices.

"I want to be a half giant rogue!" Stated Zorbilliam enthusiastically.

"I'll be a Paladin/thief multiclass!" Yelled Crotch.

"I'll be a halfling berserker!" Cried Gilliam.

"Can I be a half orc wizard?" I inquired.

"Ooooh can I be a girl?" Asked Pinecone as a look crossed his face that let you know he was picturing himself in a dress.

"I want to be the owner of the world's first Barbershop/restaurant where people can get their hair cut while they eat!" Mused Phil.

SW simply motioned to himself as if to state that he was obviously going to be the brooding and quiet wanderer with a mysterious past. This was of course quite obvious.

As the wizard finished his words Randylyl fell over mumbling about how we were all complete idiots and saying something about getting hair in food. He then curled into a ball and sobbed uncontrollably.

Finally it was decided that myself, Zorbilliam, and SW would be swordsmen, Pinecone and Gilliam archers, Crotch an axeman, Randylyl a maceman and Phil would be our caster.

Randylyl, having awoken from his seizure, jumped up in a new rage. "You idiots! All you did was tell eachother what weapons you wield which could have been done by just looking! Morons! Am I the only sane person in the world! BLAMBABAGO!"

We all just ignored his inane rantings and began to prepare our equipment. Everyone split up into little groups as they sharpened their weapons and such. Pinecone was the only one who was alone as he spent his time using his bow to poke at out deceased comrade's corpse.

I sat down near SW and opened up a chest, trying to decide whether to use the enchanted claymore or a bastard sword I'd been wanting to try out for a while. I tried to pick up the bastard sword but as I touched it it just seemed to slip out of my grip. I even tried grasping it by the blade and it wouldn't move. I looked at the weapon in consternation, wondering what could be wrong and thinking perhaps I had polished it overmuch.

SW finally spoke and looked at me from the shadows that always hung down over his hooded face. His voice was gravelly and rough as he spoke. "Do u hav3 3x0t1c w3ap0n pr0f1c13ncy?" I looked at him confused and he groaned at my ignorance before continuing on. "A ba$7ard sword 1s an 3xot1c w3ap0n. N0t a mar71a| w3ap0n |1k3 a r3gu|ar $w0rd.

I looked down at the sword and shrugged a bit. "I guess I can't use it then." Randylyl butted in, having previously been using my table to conduct target practice with his flail. "What the devil kind of sense does that make it's a sword, not a frickin repeating crossbow or something!"

"W3 |1ve3 by 7h3 ru|3z, w3 d|3 by 7h3 ru|3z, n3wb." Was all that SW said in reply.

Randylyl was incensed and grabbed at the bastard sword as he made his deeply disturbed diatribe. "Damn you and your strange language! Look! It's a bloody sword! You hit things with the sharp part and they die! It is not at all exotic! Damn it all to hell why can't I pick this thing up?"

SW replied in his usual cool and calm tone. "7ha7$ 7h1rd 3d1710n for you, n3wb."

I suppose "n3wb" is the word in his language that means "friend" in common.

Anyhow after a while we were ready and the party made its way out of my home, leaving the naked corpse of a would be adventurer and some crushed pots behind us.

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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#17 User is offline   Just your average movie goer Icon

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Posted 14 November 2004 - 05:50 AM

That was great. It is here that you really beat the stupidity of some of the Dungeons and Dragons rubbish over the head. Kudos! smile.gif
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#18 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 14 November 2004 - 06:12 AM

Movie Goer- I quite enjoy D&D, or else I wouldn't know this stuff. The character classes are all ideas me and my friends thought up in a stupid conversation we had and the bastard sword thing actually comes from one of the D&D rulebooks.

There will be a whole lot more gaming references though, I already have plans to include and uber-munchkin character. If anyone has a fantasy/gaming stereotype they'd like to suggest that I use feel free to post it here. I'm adding in LOTR pants in the next chapter. I'm not sure if it's a phenomenon or something my sister and I do but it's funny as fawk for some reason. To play the game just replace random nouns from LOTR with the word "pants" examples include:

"Gondor has no pants, Gondor needs no pants."

"We must pass through Emin Muil, an impassable labrynth of razor sharp pants"

"The pants of helm hammerhand shall be worn in the deep one last time!"

"How long since Saruman bought you? what was the promised price Grima? when all the men are dead you will take off their pants?"

"He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn... you owe him your pants."

"Within our pants we shall outlast them"

"And into his pants he poured his malice, his hatred and his will to dominate all life on Middle Earth"

"You've been in Farmer Maggot's pants!"

"I need a holiday Gandalf. I think I'll take off my pants, and I don't expect I'll ever put them back on again. In fact, I mean not to!"

( You guys should open a thread for LOTR Pants in the movie theater or lobby, but I need my precious space here for story. I was just giving some background on this gag )

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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Posted 14 November 2004 - 12:17 PM

I've never played D&D proper, but I know enough of the rules from the myriad of D&D computer games I have, so I can easily keep up. I loved the references. Oh, and with your pants game. Try reading the Harry Potter books, substituting 'wand' with 'wang'.
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#20 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 15 November 2004 - 03:17 AM

We began heading in a northwesterly direction, the great central mountains looming up north of us and the mountains of death rippling to the northwest. I walked near to the wizard and the mad man as we came to a hill that overlooked the village and Phil decided to address us all before we made our final step into the unknown.

The wizard proceeded to give us sage advice while trying to tug the ever-present chicken wing from his beard. "I have made some predictions about our journey and want you all to hear them so that you shall know what we are to face. And if any of you desire to turn back afterwards you may, though this is your last chance!"

Everyone shook their heads except for Randylyl, who was prevented from leaving by the bulk of Pinecone.

"Very well then. My words of wisdom are as follows: We shall face many hardships and a difficult choice and two of our comrades will betray us ere the end."

Randylyl glowered at him and yelled. "You fool thats the Virgo horriscope from the Illythia times dispatch!"

"But I'm a capricorn..." Considered Pinecone as the wizard and the sociopath argued.

"No it isn't!"

"Yes it is!"

"Not!"

"You've got it beneath your arm right now!"

"That's a magic scroll!"

"There's no such thing as horriscope section spell!"

As I saw the sorcerer's anger rising I thought it wise to intervene. "Truly, Randylyl the mad, you must be silent lest you awaken the wizards wrath and be turned into a Frenchman!"

"He couldn't turn tomatoes into ketchup if he had the worlds largest hammer I don't even think he's a real wizard!" Randylyl yelled.

"Silence Randylyl! He has surely killed men for less, and I shall prove it!" I retorted before turning to Phil.

"Oh mighty Phil," Said I. "What would you do to someone who insulted you so were they not in their party. Let us say that they were some regular fool simply pretending to be a wizard and you found out about it. What would you do to that person who so insulted the black arts?"

Phil looked uncomfortable at the mention of this subject. I imagined that he was just remembering the things he did to the last guy who insulted him so I took a guess to try to show Randylyl why it was a bad idea to bother a magus.

"I'm sure that, upon catching someone impersonating a wizard, Phil or any other great caster such as he would rip out their tongue and use it to pry out their eyes and then cut unplug their bowels and set fire to their pubic hair and put them in magic tupperware so their suffering would stay fresh forever to the eternal torment of their soul!"

"Oh Gods not my soul!" Cried Phil.

"Relax Phil, I wasn't talking about you, everyone knows you're a real wizard."

The rest of the party nodded in agreement but Randylyl pounced on yet another opportunity to show his inherent deficiency in common sense.

"But the only spell he's cast was throwing an apple at Pinecone. You dont even have to cast a spell to throw a dod gamn apple!"

Suddenly SW spoke in common for the first time, his voice gravelly like a driveway in the country, kicking up dust as you go and with a speed limit sign stuck in it that noone obeyed. I don't know how that sign got in his mouth and I don't think I want to.

"Get a move on before I cleave the lot of you, n3wbs."

Randylyl seemed almost enthused at this prospect and called out as he gestured to Phil. "Ooooh him first please."

We started off at SW's urging and the sun began to set after a few hours, just as Phil had predicted it would. SW alone wanted to press on but the rest of us decided to set up camp. Night seemed to hearten him as there were more shadows for him to brood in. As we all sat down to our meal of crackers and kippered beef SW refused to eat, but rather seemed to live off of brooding alone.

I went over to ask him what was wrong and he stabbed me in the shoulder, speaking in common once again as he always spoke this language when he wanted to be understood. "You should not let your guard down, n3wb."

I considered this constrtuctive criticism and went off to bandage my wound while Randylyl yelled at him that it didnt make any sense for him to accuse me of being off my guard while talking to another party member. He then stabbed Randylyl and Randylyl went off to get the sheriff from Illythia. Without his insane drivelling we all got a good night's sleep.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 15 November 2004 - 03:21 AM

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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#21 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 15 November 2004 - 04:00 AM

Just why is Randylyl there at all?
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#22 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 15 November 2004 - 05:04 AM

Randylyl, for the moment, is there fore the treasure they'll find on their adventures, much like Sancho Panza. However, this will change later in the novel.

And besides, he's a great element in the story but your question I'm sure was more about his motivation as a chracter.

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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#23 User is offline   Just your average movie goer Icon

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Posted 15 November 2004 - 06:44 AM

I couldn't imagine this without Randylyl. He is a very important ingredient to the whole feel of the story. This is great stuff. I loved the bit at the end about SW stabbing Glamis for being off his guard, and Randylyl telling him off about it - and then being stabbed as well.



QUOTE
He then stabbed Randylyl and Randylyl went off to get the sheriff from Illythia. Without his insane drivelling we all got a good night's sleep.


laugh.gif

That is beautiful. I love the way you close all your chapters with these nice classy lines. It's great.
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#24 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 15 November 2004 - 09:47 AM

QUOTE (J m HofMarN @ Nov 15 2004, 06:04 PM)
Randylyl, for the moment, is there fore the treasure they'll find on their adventures, much like Sancho Panza. However, this will change later in the novel.

And besides, he's a great element in the story but your question I'm sure was more about his motivation as a chracter.

Thats it. As the only 'insane' character, it seemed odd that he would put up with the rest of them as much as he does.
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#25 User is offline   Madam Corvax Icon

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Posted 16 November 2004 - 05:40 AM

I was re-reading it this morning and I found the following gaming reference:

Warcraft - gnomish flying machine
Heroes of MIght and Magic - elves dying in melee combat
Diablo - Paladin and berserker

I am sure Eastern Road is also some gaming reference, but probably the one I've never played.

Am I right?
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#26 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 16 November 2004 - 06:06 AM

Madam- actually all the things you just mentioned are general fantasy novel staples, the gnomish flying machine though I did get out of warcraft. Paladin and Berserker I took from DND. If you want to experience dnd play Baldurs Gate 2, an excellent game.

The references to bastard swords being exotic weapons and character class were from DND. The eastern road was of my own invention, I was just trying to make fun of how it always seems like adventurers have to take the most perilous route possible.

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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#27 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 16 November 2004 - 07:16 AM

I began to have a nightmare early in the morning. I had been sleeping soundly until I realized it was customary for heroes to have prophetic nightmares. I dreamed I was being chased by a tooth who kept asking to write obscenities on my thighs, which were tie dyed for some mysterious reason.

Waking from the nightmare with a start I turned to Phil, who was sitting awake nearby. Upon closer inspection I realized that he was trying to move a quarter with telekinesis and having a hard time of it. I figured he'd just used up all his magic for the day.

"Morning!" I said cheerily.

He was surprised and quickly withdrew his hand and tried to make the veins on his face stop popping from his effort. "Good morning to you as well my friend." He said.

"Phil, why don't you tell me about yourself?" I asked.

"Why?" He replied.

"Because this is the part of our adventure that demonstrates all of us bonding and brings to light elements of the story, of course." I stated plainly.

"Oh, oh yes that! Well let's get on with it then, start over again won't you?" He asked, no longer as confused by my queries.

"Hey Phil, now is the time in the quest when we have to bond." I said.

"Hey now, I'm adventuresome but not THAT adventuresome!" He replied, before adding in. "But you could ask Crotch, after what Pinecone did to him yesterday I think he'd be the most experienced in that sort of thing."

"No you fool I mean you have to tell me about yourself dammit!"

"Oh, oh yes! Well I've been around as long as the world has existed." He said in a tired voice.

"You mean you've been around since tuesday?" Asked Randylyl the mad as he returned from his fruitless search to find the sheriff.

"Yes, quite. Funny thing, this world just starting this tuesday, don't you think?" Phil asked, as he turned to the fruitcake who had just sat down with us.

"It certainly is. It's almost as if the creator of this world didn't want to take the time to write an extensive backstory." Randylyl mused as I turned to him angrily.

"Speak not such blasphemy you psycho! Surely you will draw the wrath of the gods." I yelled.

"What gods the world is only five days old we keep talking about gods and we havnt even had time to patch together a respectable religion yet!" Replied Randylyl.

"There is one." Replied Phil. "Though no others have been determined yet there is one we all must obey, the great DEE-EM!"

Just then a dark and commanding voice called down from the heavens. "A dragon eats your face!"

Randylyl was knocked back as a dragon flew down from nowhere and began to gnaw at his head. The party awoke in moments and began to assail the creature to save the poor man. After a lengthy battle with lots of clanging and roaring and grunting and other manly sounds the dragon was saved and Randylyl was slain. Or was it the other way around?

In any event, as dragon attacks tended to occur whenever someone angered the great DEE-EM it was thought of as perfectly normal, and Randylyl was just glad that he hadn't been ravaged by a Treant with morning wood. Haha, Treant, morning wood, get it? Ah you guys are horrible.

As Randylyl cursed the world and went to sleep (which didn't heal him at all since he wasn't at an inn) I continued my conversation with Phil.

"So where did you learn the dark arts of will working?" I asked.

"I learned them at the will workers school, naturally." He replied, somewhat testily.

"What year did you graduate?" I asked.

"You mean what day did I graduate. I think I was with the class of thursday." He replied, getting yet more uncomfortable.

"Any hot girls in your class?" I inquired.

"Ummm, sure, tons." He said uncertainly.

"That's odd, I had always been under the impression that sorceresses were hideous." I pointed out.

Phil suddenly looked uncomfortable as he made his reubttal. "Ummm ummm... I CAST SHUT UP!"

Suddenly I found myself unable to speak without opening my mouth. I tried it a few times but it wouldn't work until I opened my mouth again. "Forgive me Phil!" I pleaded.

"Very well, but do not ask about my past again, I am to remain as much a mystery as the Surly Wanderer." He said sagely.

"Very well." Quoth I. "Can you tell me about a dream I had last night?" I asked, trying to find a new subject.

"I can try, tell me about it." He looked to me expectantly as the firelight blazed in his eyes.

"Well, I dreamed I was being chased by a tooth who kept asking to write obscenities on my thighs, which were tie dyed for some mysterious reason."

He nodded and looked at me. "Verry interesting. I think that this dream is about your Freudian castration fears and your Oedipus complex."

"Are those complex magical things that I could never hope to understand?" I asked, bewildered.

"Yes, that's precisely what they are." He quickly shoved a scroll titled "Psycho-analyses for dummies" back into his robe. "Now, tell me, are you still bothered by the death of your father?"

I considered the question. "Well he died on Friday but my family have always been fast mourners, I mean since tuesday anyways."

Phil nodded. "Then I think your dreams were about the hardships we shall face and their true meaning will only be made clear through time. Get some rest, for I predict that if you do not you shall be tired tomorrow!"

And so I went to sleep, in awe of Phil's sage wisdom.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 16 November 2004 - 07:22 AM

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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Posted 16 November 2004 - 09:26 AM

Great stuff... but...

We lost Randylyl! sad.gif I liked him.
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#29 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 16 November 2004 - 05:27 PM

Movie Goer- you're nuts if you think I killed off a story element like Randylyl. Reread the passage.

QUOTE
After a lengthy battle with lots of clanging and roaring and grunting and other manly sounds the dragon was saved and Randylyl was slain. Or was it the other way around?

In any event, as dragon attacks tended to occur whenever someone angered the great DEE-EM it was thought of as perfectly normal, and Randylyl was just glad that he hadn't been ravaged by a Treant with morning wood. Haha, Treant, morning wood, get it? Ah you guys are horrible.

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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Posted 16 November 2004 - 05:37 PM

bah finally on the board~waves atcha~ good read! but you know whom I am tongue.gif
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