[Just your average movie goer]

Sorry, Sime... I knew what you meant. It was a lame joke on my part.

[Despondent]

keep it up, commie. I mean Hoffie.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I was just kidding. I'm still going to reference your publisher's letter.

[J m HofMarN]

Chapter thirteen: Chapter of evil!

Meanwhile, in the fortress of evil, which had just had wall to wall evil carpeting installed, Robear the red was yelling at one of his henchmen.

"Oh this carpet is so eeeevil... Hmmm... You. Come here." Said he, in a voice that oozed evil, from his red star cap to his beard to his combat fatigues he was every bit the evil maniac.

"Yes, my unholy lord of the abyss." Replied the henchman submissively, already begining to tremble.

"For the last time!" Robear boomed. "I am to be called 'comrade', not any of this dark lord nonsense!" He calmed down and then continued. "You were the one I sent to stop the adventurers, are you not. What is your name?"

"Yes, your malevolence. My name is henchman number thirty seven." Replied the henchman.

"Comrade, comrade confound you! And that's a horrible name. I shall call you Ivan." Replied the dark god. "Now then. What happened and why are they still alive?"

"Well you see your vileness..." Ivan shivered and quaked as he spoke, his teeth begining to chatter. "I tried to drop a giant foot on them but instead it ended up killing all the foot elves..." He let loose a helpless whimper at the end of his words and looked to his midnight master.

"Are you telling me... that you failed?" The evil one looked down upon his servant with a raised brow.

"Y-y-y-yes muh muh my lord... Please have mercy..." The poor servant said, nearly in tears.

"You know the price of failure, fool." Said Robear as he pressed a button and the floor began to open, revealing a tank of water that seemed to be moving."

"NOOOO!" Screamed the helpless man as the floor continued to slide open.

"I told you Ivan. The price of failure is high. You must..." But he was interupted as his servant wrapped his arms around his legs and began sobbing.

"Not that, I won't fail you again, please at the very least give me a quick death my lord, I only wished to serve you, oh woe is me!" Ivan cried.

"I'm afraid not. Failure is punished most severely." As if on que the floor finished sliding open and the dark lord looked full on at his sobbing lackie.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Screamed the unfortunate man.

"I am afraid so Ivan. You have mucked up our operation for the last time... You must clean the fish tank."

As the wretched creature was led off and a net forced into his hand, Robear sat down in his chair and cackled evilly as the moans of the punished henchman came faintly to his ears, acting like a thesaurus entry for "gross". As the dark one laughed lightening could be heard outside his castle. Just as his cackling reached it's crescendo a bright yellow bolt stuck the highest tower of the fortress of evil.

Naturally this knocked out all their power and over loaded any equipment that didn't have a surge protector. "Damn it! My Sega's melted!!! Someone get me some candles lit!" Screamed the evil one in great rage.

Servants rushed every which way, bumping into eachother and squinting in the darkness. Someone might have copped a feel of the malignant tyrant's ass, but Robear wasnt too sure, and it could have just been an accident, so he let it pass.

Finally some candles were lit and all the food in the fridge of horrors was placed into a cooler with some ice, especially meat and dairy products as they might otherwise spoil.

Another anonymous henchman, this one number 172, came to Robear with a rather odd question.

"You know my lord," He started out. "This seems to happen every time you laugh evilly, even on cloudless days..."

"Yes... You're right." Said the great enemy of all that is holy. "But I can't very well stop laughing evilly. I am the designated villain and all."

The servant nodded his understanding and they decided to be proactive and decide what they could do until the heroes arrived. Making handpuppets with the beams of the lanterns got old after a while, so did having a seance to try to summon another dark god. All they got from this was the ghost of Richard Nixon, who proved to be entirely too evil for them and so they banished him back to whatever shadowy plane he had come from.

Finally it was decided that Robear should kidnap the heroes girlfriend. This was a problem since the hero did not have a girlfriend. This problem and its various possible solutions were discussed for quite some time. It was finally decided that if the hero did not currently have a love interest that any fair maiden could be kidnapped and become his love interest once word of her plight reached Glamis' ears.

And so a random henchman was sent to kidnap the princess of Rosmundar. Naturally there was some paperwork that had to be filed as this matter dealt with the royalty of Rosmundar and therefore was beholden to beurocracy.

"Bloody hell!" Cried Robear in frustration as he broke a pencil on page seven of the form. "Advisor!? Advisor come here!" A small, bespectacled man approached swiftly. "Yes my lord?" He queried.

"Advisor!" Demanded the foe of all that was decent. "How many persons are in my evil household and can I claim them as dependants?" The advisor checked some figures and nodded. "There are 975 evil humans, two thousand fifty four orcs, twenty one trolls, and one very lost elf. And I believe you can count all of them as dependants."

Satisfied with this the nemesis of the light continued his inquiry. "Do we intend to ravage her?" He asked wistfully. "I should think so." Replied his advisor and the questioning continued as Robear read a passage from the form outloud, which said this:

"As an evil kidnapper you are required to put kidnapped princess in a tower, possibly guarded by a dragon. You/your henchmen must also come onto her and submit to being spit on or having your twig and berries kicked in. You should provide the princess with a skimpy outfit and chains. If you cannot afford a skimpy outfit and chains financial assistance can be made available."

Finally they had gotten the necessary authorization and the princess was kidnapped and started on her way to the evil fortress. It naturally took a long time since Rosmundar was the second most northwesternly city in the world and Fortress of Evil was the second most south easterly. However with a simple suspension of disbelief spell cast by some evil wizards it worked out just fine and Robear called his evil servants together for a briefing.

"Comrades! The time for liberation from your oppressors is at hand! The evil monarchial system that has so long oppressed the countryside shall fall. First I shall set a trap for this servant of the bourgeoise, Glamis the great. Once this counter revolutionary is killed we can begin to finance peasant uprisings in the warrior kingdom, Muthos, Logicas, Tranden, and finally Illythia. Once the oppressing class is destroyed we can begin the real war, Agrarian reform must be instituted, schools built. The literacy rate of the modern world is in the negative numbers people, this is sad! But we must never forget that the proletariat are those who have helped us to power. The rulers cannot exist without the mandate of the masses, am I right!?"

His speech fell on blinking eyes and vacant exp​ressions and the dark one sighed. "Ok, bloody fine, you try to be different. How's this: Burn every village, rape their stocks and pillage their women!" At this a loud cheer went up from the gathered bad people.

"Oh," He added. "And would someone put the sign up on the tower?"

"You mean the one that says "If this dungeon be rockin' don't come a-knockin'?"" Asked his advisor.

"Indeed! Hwahahahahahahaha!" Cackled the dark lord, until lightening again crashed and short circuited all electricity in the fortress of evil, bringing on a universal sigh of "Aw dammit."

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 07 December 2004 - 07:34 AM

[Just your average movie goer]

JM, this must be my favourite chapter yet. There is just so much in here and so many good laughs...

The punishment of the henchman, the ghost of Richard Nixon (very evil INDEED!), the paperwork for kidnapping the princess (and I LOVED the bit about listing dependents... that was just beautiful)... and the bad guy's change of plans at the end of it.

In fact, I think it's easier to say I loved that chapter in its entirety and was laughing from start to finish. This is great stuff, my friend and am looking forward to more adventures from that servant of the burgeoise, Glamis.

[Chyld]

I hate cleaning fish tanks too. Damned funny stuff, as ever.

[SimeSublime]

How the hell did you manage to fit so much good material into one chapter? The only trouble I had was how does Glamis know whats happening there, since the story is from his perspective.

[J m HofMarN]

Sime: You're questioning me. Therefore a dragon eats your face. For the purposes of fairness though I'm either changing it to a third party narrative or I'll just say that Glamis wrote it later on. And now prepare for chapter fourteen!

[J m HofMarN]

Chapter fourteen: Amid the mountains of death.

We continued our treck into the mountains of death unaware of the evil that the evil Robear was cooking up in his strongold at the evil fortress. Wow, that was redundant. Anyhow, yeah, he's evil.

We were passing through a valley when I heard Zorbilliam and Gilliam striking up a rather interesting conversation, which went thusly.

"You know, it would be a lot of fun if we started replacing every other word we said with 'pants'" Said Zorbilliam.

"What for? It dosn't sound that pants." Gilliam gave the fallen monarch a confused look.

"Well no, not yet. Wait til we're doing something heroic! Consider this: 'Quickly everyone, we must join with the defenders of those pants!'"

Gilliam and I both laughed heartily and contributed some of our own.

"Someone, bring me Randylyl's pants!" I said amid laughter.

"Help, help! My pants have been cut off and I fear they shall never go on again!" Cried Gilliam mournfully.

Before long the whole party had taken up this fine game, except for Randylyl who thought we all seemed very silly. Surly Wanderer however never took his eyes off the road, despite his occasional chuckles. It was a good thing he was vigilant too because a horde of orcs was passing by at that very moment.

Luckily the orcs were just taking their orclings to a soccer game, and so they didn't make any trouble. However there was a dragon nearby as well but she had already eaten. They passed a few cyclopes but the ignorant creatures mistook them for sheep. Finally they came upon a horde of enemies that would bother attacking them.

The goblins charged down the hill side with wild battle cries and a general fearsomeness that frightened everyone but the surly wanderer. Phil held forth his staff and called out "Rally to my pants, my friends!" Only to be rebuked by Randylyl. "We're in a bloody fight to the death, stop with this pants nonsense!"

We all laughed as Randylyl had finally used the word pants and as such we gathered around Phil and began to fight back the goblin tide and we made our various battle cries.

"Eat pants, orc scum!" Cried Gilliam as he stabbed his sword into a goblin, who managed to cough out with his last breath "Please... we're not orcs. Goblins are... smaller and.... craftier... this... racial... stereotyping... must... end... aaaagh" And with that he was dead.

"I cast a spell-- Pants!" Chanted Phil and when the orcs looked to him in confusion he hit them on their heads with his staff.

Surly Wanderer was mowing down goblins left and right, and many of them simply ran off upon glancing into his eyes. "Why do they run when they stare into your pants?" I called out as I cleaved one of them in twain.

"I know not." He replied. "Perhaps they fear the fury within my pants, waiting to be unleashed and pent up for so many years." Said the man with an icy chill to his voice as a goblin backed away from him.

Pinecone meanwhile was bashing goblins mercilessly with his bow and spinning around in a circle of doom yelling "Pants!" At the top of his lungs.

The orcs by now where terribly puzzled and although Randylyl was too embarassed by our new battle cry variations to fight the creatures realized they were outmatched and began to scamper off. They left the wounded behind in their fear and one fallen orc looked up at Crotch.

"Please my lord. Give me mercy..." He begged.

"You shall find no mercy within my pants, orc!" Yelled Crotch and as the goblin began to explain about orcs and goblins once more Crotch cleaved off his head.

We reassembled and looked over our wounds. Phil had been injured as wizards can scarcely wear any armor at all and I took out my pouch of healing supplies.

"Here my friend, I have something in my pants that will make you feel better if you eat it." I said as Randylyl turned away in disgust and the rest of us laughed.

"Indeed I shall." Replied the wizard. "And tonight we shall empty eachothers pants and share what is within them in celibration of this victory."

We all thought a feast to revel in our victory was a fine idea. We began to search for a place to hold the feast and soon came upon a cabin with a shed out back. While the rest of the party was investigating the cabin we sent Gilliam and Randylyl to look into the shed. There Randylyl discovered some lawn care implements as well as a box with a jar in it with a mint in it. He looked at it with a grin.

"I dare you to eat that." Said Randylyl cunningly.

"I don't know..." Gilliam quavered out as Randylyl unscrewed the lid from the jar.

"Come on, its a harmless breath mint. It can't hurt you." Randylyl chided.

"But what's it doing way out here in these pants?" Asked Gilliam, still not convinced.

"Well don't you hate it when someone eats your last breathmint?" Asked the luring lunatic.

"Maybe I could..." Gilliam thought outloud.

Randylyl held out the mint, which happened to be blue, in one hand and with his other he pulled out some of his belly button lint and spoke thusly. "You take the blue mint and you'll wake up next morning in your bed with five gold pieces you didnt have before. You take the red lint and you'll be eating something that came out of my navel..."

Seeing this choice Gilliam thought his decision easier and took the mint just as we came in to gawk in horror.

"Gilliam no! Don't put that in your pants!!!" Cried Phil as the rest of the group returned from looking into the house, which they found, from the door mat, to be the cabin of death. But Phil was too late, for the poor man had already eaten the breath mint of death...

[Just your average movie goer]

That's a GOAL for Randylyl there!

This is what we've all been waiting for... the moment when Randylyl takes matters into his own hands.

And oh my pants, that was a funny episode. Innuendo left, right and centre.

Keep up the great job, mate. It's good to see Glamis and his mates are still going strong... well except for he who ate the breath mint of death.

[SimeSublime]

Brilliant. Good to see the pants returning.

[Mad Rabbit]

I just started reading the novel today and once I started I couldn't stop! This stuff is AMAZING JM! You are very talented indeed! I can't wait for the next chapter! If I had any complaints about this, it would be that it's not in book form for me to enjoy! Keep it coming!

[J m HofMarN]

Wow thanks Rabbit your comments really caught me at a time when I needed them and it's good to see a new reader on the threads. I'll certainly keep this going and hope you continue to enjoy it.

[J m HofMarN]

Mad Rabbit, Sunday's update (barring unforseen circumstances) is dedicated to you. I've never had someone say something in those words, and it really effected me a lot. I can hardly believe someone wants something I'm creating. I'm working on the next episode right now and I'll get it up asap.

[J m HofMarN]

Chapter fifteen: The great elven... Erm I mean dwarven... Aw screw it.

We all stood in abject horror as Gilliam looked around as if to say "What?" It was Crotch who finally gave him the bad news.

"Ach laddy, you've just eaten the breath mint from which these mountains gain their names."

"You mean this breathmint was mountain dew flavored?" Asked Gilliam.

"No. I mean it was death flavored!" Said Crotch ominously.

"It tasted more like mountain dew." Gilliam quipped.

"Nevermind what it tastes like! You're going to die!" Cried Phil the magician.

"Well of course he is when you put it like that, we're all going to die one day aren't we?" Asked the party's official mad man. "It's rather general you know..." Randylyl stopped as his eye spotted something and he made a snatch. Phil feinted back but Randylyl was after him before we could stop him and Randylyl held aloft his prize before long.

"Hmmm what's this? 'Horroscope: Saggitarius: You're going to die!' So is this your great wisdom Phil or is it some sort of spell scroll?" Asked Randylyl tauntingly.

"Randylyl no read. Bad magic happen." Implored Pinecone.

"Ach laddy." Complained Crotch, as everyone forgot for the moment about Gilliam's impending demise.

"Give that back you fool you know not what you..." Phil's scornful remarks were cut short as we were thrown violently down on the ground in a rather odd village. We were beneath a great stone roof with pillars everywhere and the doors were rather low. Phil blinked before snatching his scroll back from Randylyl.

"Give that to me you fool, the gods do not look kindly upon the theft of ancient scrolls of wisdom." Phil said with great wrath.

"But it's not acient that's today's paper.." Randylyl was cut off by a staff over the head.

"Now, look where you've gotten us. You deserve many more thwacks, Randylyl the mad but I havn't the time to give them to you. The time for hitting you in the head is over, the time for exposition is now!" And with that he waved his hand wide.

"Behold! The great elven city of Skaebatel!" He cried.

A passing dwarf turned to look at us. "Ach laddy. What an odd lot." He said as he continued on.

"Buggery." Said Phil.

"Do you think we should ask directions?" Asked Crotch timidly.

"We're adventurers you fool. If we're here it is by the will of the gods." I said confidently and then added in with a bit less certainty. "But where's here?"

"Calm down, calm down. I know where we are. I'm telling you guys this has to be the... great... elven... city... of..."

Just as he was trying to get his last words out a few dwarves on ladders began hanging a banner reading "Welcome to the dwarven realm of Onandor" Phil gave them a glare that said they were in serious danger of falling victim to a throw apple spell, or perhaps its higher level version, lob watermellon.

The dwarves didn't seem terribly frightened and continued about their work.

"So can we ask for directions now?" Asked Zorbilliam.

"Wait a moment!" Cried Gilliam, triumphantly as he alerted us to the fact that, defying all logic, he was still alive. "We have a ranger with us. SW, what do you say?" He inquired as all eyes turned to SW.

"I'd say we're very close to our goal now, and we've bypassed both the unpleasant swamp and the cursed woods. Also, two dwarves past by here two and a half ours ago and one of them was carrying a half full mug of ale. The other one had just stubbed his toe on a door frame and had a bit of a cold."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Asked Randylyl.

"Silence. I'm a ranger. I track and range. You want pertinent information find yourself a wizard." Said SW cooly.

We all looked to Phil and suddenly it seemed as if he'd gotten the point. "Oh, oh yes a wizard, that would be me and all. Well our course is clear." Randylyl cut in here.

"To go straight to the elven city, have them tell us what's quite bloody obvious and then go ruckus the dark lord without further adieu?" He proposed.

"Ok." Said Phil with gritting teeth. "I'll give you that, if we were not in a hurry, we might possibly brave the perils of the road of friendship that spans the few miles between Onandor and Skaebatel. However we need to make haste, for Gilliam needs elvish medicine ere the mint destroys him."

At this Randylyl looked at the inconceivably healthy Gilliam and Gilliam gave a pleasant wave. I realised that he was overexerting himself and slammed my fist into his stomach. "There now, you see it's already taken ahold of him." I remarked as the poor man doubled over in agony.

"So you see. It is settled. We must go through the unpleasant swamp and the cursed woods so that we may reach Skaebatel quickly and save our friend." Said Phil, to the agreement of all but one.

"You idiot!" Screamed Randylyl. "The shortest distance between two towns is a straight line, not the path a drunken and suicidal snake would take! Gah!"

His protests were put to an end by a well placed fist in the stomach and, fearing that being in the shed of death had sickened him as well, we made our way out of the dwarf city and towards the unpleasant swamp.

[SimeSublime]

Oh happy days, for there are updates. Huzzah! ...Although, I do want a Mountain Dew flavoured mint.

I find it ineteresting that people have star signs, when the world is only a few days old. But the comment about ranging, that was brilliant.