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The epic and mystical journey of Glamis the Great A novel

#46 User is offline   Just your average movie goer Icon

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Posted 19 November 2004 - 06:52 PM

Great stuff! I loved everyone having a go at Lord Darkskull Blackmoonroseblood's name. And Randylyl had some of the best cracks at him too. Way to go, Randylyl! smile.gif

and

QUOTE
just your average novel goer


laugh.gif That was great. Thank you for the reference.

And the stuff about safe sex with female vampires and abstinance was hilarious.


Now, I guess we must wait to see how Surly Wanderer fares.

We have our first cliff-hanger...
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#47 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 19 November 2004 - 11:13 PM

JYAMG- Yeah that was inspired by Vampire: The Masquerade. People actually play characters with names like that and I thought I'd have a go at it. And Randylyl will always have the best lines, especially after he becomes the leader of the party.

Haha yeah, when this baby gets published there'll only be about fifty people in the world who will get that reference but obscurity is fun.

Yeah I figured it'd be neat to do that since usually female vampires are sex freaks.

As for the cliff hanger, well you'll just have to wait and see.

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Posted 21 November 2004 - 01:38 AM

So this is the part of the plot wherein the hidden character pasts are revealed? And don't give away Randylyl leading the party, surprises are great.
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#49 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 21 November 2004 - 03:36 AM

Oh most of the characters pasts will be revealed to some extent but SW's is only hinted at and thats one of the surprises I'll be saving, as well as being central to the plot.

I'm sorry for revealing what Randylyl will be doing but its a fairly minor plot twist compared to some of the other stuff I got and I might change it yet. Stay tuned!

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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#50 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 21 November 2004 - 07:35 AM

Chapter ten: The dramatic cliffhanger

We sat down outside the dark and horrible castle as the battle raged on inside. There was the sound of dice being rolled and arguments about "stats" and "disciplines" and "saving throws" and all sorts of other mysterious things.

I decided to take the opportunity to get to know Gilliam better before his impending death arrived.

"Heya Gilliam." I said cheerfully as we all looked to the castle, concerned about our friend who stabbed us sometimes.

"Hi." He said as he looked to the dark structure.

"Would you tell me a bit about yourself?" I asked.

"Well of course. I was created on Tuesday like everyone else. My mother was a tailor. She sewed my new blue jeans." I noticed he wasn't even wearing blue jeans but thought it best not to interupt for now. "My father was a gambling man down in..." I cut him off, getting tired of his story as he didn't really require any history what with his certain demise and all.

"That's touching. Shut up now." With that I walked away to talk to someone who actually mattered.

"Hello my dwarven friend, howabout a pint to while away the time until we learn the destiny of our companion?" I asked pleasantly, producing a tankard of ale from nowhere-

"Please don't, I'm horrible with liquer..." He pleaded.

"Damn it man you're a dwarf so get drinking!" I chided him.

He downed the tankard as quickly as he could, groaning a bit as he did and I looked at him expectantly for the natural "ach laddy" and whiping of beard.

"Ach laddy..." He said petulantly before whiping his dripping chin.

"Much better!" I praised him. "So what mountain do you live under?"

"Ummm... a tall one I suppose." He guessed.

"What was your job there?" I inquired.

"Ummm..." He stopped for a hiccup. "mining." He improvised.

"Mining what?" I asked curiously.

"Ummm... corn???" He replied in confusion as he began to sway a bit. "I like corn... I'm sorry but I'm not very good at this, of course I had to be a good sport about it and all since that nameless wizard asked me."

"I thought you knew his name." I said.

"I thought you knew his name!" Cried my dwarven allie and began to laugh drunkenly.

Phil passed by just at that moment and we both looked at him. "Hello there. Worrying about SW I see."

"No, actually I was wondering just what your na..." I tried to ask but he stopped me.

"I said... Wondering about SW I see." His voice was firm, more stating that we'd been wondering about SW than asking.

"Oh ummm yes of course. I hope he's ok." I nodded.

"Hey! I know a guy named SW!" Laughed the dwarf as he wobbled.

"Ummm I'm sure you do. I'm sure he'll be ok, he's a strong one." Replied the wizard.

"What exactly do you know about him? He seems dark and mysterious... laddy." The swaying dwarf remembered to add 'laddy' into his words and we both nodded our approval as the wizard spoke to allay our curiousities.

"All I can say," Said Phil sagely. "Is that he is not as dark as he is unknown. However he is more of an enigma than he is dark but less mysterious than he is an enigma. Also he is more unknown than mysterious. Could it be said that he is as dark as he is mysterious?"

We both blinked and quickly shut up, fearing the wizard's superior knowledge of equations, though Crotch did fall over once while I spoke.

"So you think he's ok?"

"I'm not sure." Replied Phil. "Actually I've been trying to find out whether he's as dark as he is mysterious ever since we left."

"Ah." Nodded Gilliam in understanding as he came over. "You guys don't mind if I go to look for some healing herbs incase SW is hurt when he comes out, do you?"

"Not at all, feel free to go off alone." We all said.

We waited for about an hour, hearing cries of "Let me see your character sheet!" and "That's not what it says about that spell in my book!" coming from the castle and not daring to venture forth to see what was going on. Finally we went off after Gilliam.

The scene that greeted us when we entered a nearby grove of trees was one of unspeakable horror. There were arrows everywhere and blood as well and salt, suggesting that some horrible ritual had been cast to torment his eternal soul.

Pinecone knelt down and growled. "These are orc arrows."

"How can you tell?" I asked. "Is it because of your superior elven sight?" I asked rhetorically.

"How could he not tell you numbnuts, who else goes about shooting adventurers?" Asked Randylyl the mad as he picked one up.

"Speak only when you have given up madness for reason!" Yelled Phil, apparently edgy over our beloved colleague's death.

"Oh Gilliam!" Cried Zorbilliam. "We hardly knew ye! Not that we tried too hard or anything but... I need to be held!" He broke down into sobs as Crotch tried to soothe him. "He was my bestest friend. I love him man... We were tight you know." He paused to hiccup. "Wow my stomach feels like its eating itself..." Crotch began to cry then and wondered off to vomit.

However as we all began our lament the bushes rustled. Assuming it was an errant orc Phil took an apple from his pack and cast a throw apple spell. To our great surprise Gilliam popped out of the bushes, narrowly avoiding what could have been a deadly apple.

"Hey guys, I met some orcs and they invited me to their village for dinner. They're not so bad once you get to know them." This drew gasps from the rest of us and Pinecone, mindful of his races enmity that had existed against orcs ever since tuesday, spoke up first.

"What you mean. There blood everywhere." He demanded.

"Oh that, the orcs slaughtered a deer to eat and we were so happy we dropped our quivers and ran to their village to start cooking it. We were going to pick our arrows up on the way back." He explained.

"Orcs slaughter deer?!" Raged Pinecone. "Orcs must die!"

"No no!" Gilliam protested. "They even did it kosher, right Rabbi Inbal?" He pointed to a figure dressed in black with two strands of curly hair coming out infront of his ears from beneath an odd hat. "Rightorouni!" Called the figure, giving a thumbs up and speaking in an accent that sounded like someone speaking common while clearing their throat.

Phil smiled at this and nodded. "Thank you Gilliam, I think we've seen all we need to see. We know what happened right guys?"

"You mean that the orcs are plotting with the Jews to take over the world laddy?" Asked Crotch.

"Precisely. And I think duchess Clin-ton may be involved as well. We must slaughter them all!" This drew a cheer from all the party except Randylyl.

"Oy Givault!" Cried Rabbi Inbal.

"But if the assumption that the Jews already control all the world's wealth is correct than why would they need to take over? And couldn't they afford better foot soldiers than orcs and... Damn it you could at least wait to murder the Rabbi til after I finish. Hey where are you going? Why are you moving so quietely towards the orc village?... Guys... Guys?"

Randylyl's voice trailed off as we left the scene of the first slaying and moved into the orc village, hacking them to death as well and then returning to collect Randylyl, who went into one of his fits of madness upon seeing us and had to be forcibly dragged with us to prevent his wondering off.

"Blarghable!" He cried. "You could at least wash the blood off your hands before touching me!" He ranted, probably talking to himself or something. We made it back in good time since he was light and as we arrived infront of the looming fortress we saw a figure staggering out of it...

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 21 November 2004 - 08:00 AM

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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#51 User is offline   Just your average movie goer Icon

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Posted 21 November 2004 - 08:10 AM

Wow, what a chapter! There was lots to love about that latest installment.

Getting to know Gilliam before his impending death, the "House of the Rising Sun" lyrics for his backstory... that was fantastic.

The dwarf making up his backstory was brilliant as well. I loved the bit about him thinking up whatever it was he was supposedly mining and he came up with corn. laugh.gif

I won't go on and on but I must tell you that this is brilliant stuff. And a lot of it really reads like a Terry Prachett novel. You have a wonderful flair, my friend.

Keep it coming. smile.gif

Author! Author!
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#52 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 21 November 2004 - 08:24 AM

Yeah I just thought up Gilliam's backstory while listening to the song. You'll have to forgive Crotch since he was drunk at the time haha. I also referenced one of Jacques' articles by using the name "Inbal" for a Jewish person. I'm trying to keep track of all the references I've made or planned to make and my sheet of paper is already full. Thanks for your great comments and encouragement. To steal a line from PBS this novel is made possible by viewers like you.

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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#53 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 21 November 2004 - 09:40 AM

Of course, the romancing of Inbal. I missed that completely, dammit. Stats and saving throws I understand, but what are disipines?
The Green Knight, SimeSublime the Puffinesque, liker of chips and hunter of gnomes.
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#54 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 21 November 2004 - 09:45 AM

It be said that he is as dark as he is mysterious. That actually made me think for a bit. Well written.
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#55 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 21 November 2004 - 08:42 PM

Sime- It was rather quiet, I try to keep some of the more obscure references understated but the subliminal message of "go to L&E.com" is there. And yes you're correct about the little math problem I worked in. I was originally going to just say he was as dark as he was mysterious but then I remembered those horrible equations (they have some name) that I learned of in math class before I got tired of it and dropped out. I'm really glad you enjoy it.

And disciplines are the powers in WhiteWolf's Vampire:The Masquerade system, lord narkfool is a parody of people and characters from that.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 21 November 2004 - 08:44 PM

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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#56 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 22 November 2004 - 11:45 AM

Ahh, I see. Like I said, I'm CRPG only.

And I loved those logic puzzels in maths. Yours, though, was a lot harder, which is good.
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#57 User is offline   Despondent Icon

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Posted 22 November 2004 - 12:20 PM

Wow, you have been working hard.

too much to comment on, what with the world being new and all. but the part about slaughtering the duchess has me piqued!
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#58 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 22 November 2004 - 06:38 PM

Sime- Thanks muchly, I was hoping that little problem would be enjoyed.

Despondent- Glad to see you're reading and I figured you'd like the duchess reference.

Everyone- Sorry for the lack of a chapter yesterday but barring unforeseen circumstances there will be one today.

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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#59 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 23 November 2004 - 02:48 AM

Chapter eleven: The problem with evil lairs

When we last left our heroes, fresh from their victory over the orcs, they were approaching the evil fortress and peering into the darkness at a figure leaving it. The tension was high and noone knew whether it was lord whatever or SW who was emerging. Also the story was in first person being told by Glamis and there was no other narration. Whoops.

"Hmmm that was odd." I thought to myself as the voice trailed off. I then looked back to the figure approaching. Through the shadow cast by the castle the man came closer.

"Pinecone, what do you see with your elven sight?" I called to my companion.

"Same thing you see with your human sight, assface." Was the reply from the elf. He was in a bad mood and was currently being fussed at by the wizard as he prepared to use his bow to beat to death whatever was approaching.

"I tell you Pinecone bows are not meant to be used for attacking in melee combat, curse your pointy ears!"

"Haha stupid elf." Said Crotch, gleeful at seeing his enemy berated. Just as pinecone was about to stab him with an arrow the form came into view. I could see a cloak and a hood, further hiding his features as he brooded in the shadows.

"Surly!" Called Zorbilliam. And indeed it was the Surly Wanderer who had emerged as victor. His eyes were dark and he was spattered with blood and bleeding in some places but he had won.

"It is I." He said in common. "I destroyed my opponent and have returned to you. You should have had more faith in my skills."

We all gathered around him happily and asked numerous questions, the main one being what was to become of all the treasure horded by the vampires.

"I have laid claim to it all." He said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Even the castle?" Asked Randylyl. We all smacked our foreheads over his complete ignorance.

"No. I will let you have the castle if you agree to slay the next monster we meet single handedly." Said Surly, having for some reason decided to speak in common more often. We all laughed at his offer as a faint rumble passed through the ground around us.

"Wow that's a great deal! Alright, aside from ordinary henchman I'll slay the next monster we meet in return for the rights to this castle."

We all laughed at his foolishness and the breadth of his dementia.

"What are you laughing at? Do you know how much real estate goes for these days? And next week it'll probably be worth even more. This is a great..." He paused as the ground shook once more, unknowing of the simple truth which we all understood.

"Very well then it's all yours." Said SW, looking about as close to laughing as I've ever seen him.

"Alright!" Yelled Randylyl the insane. "My very own castle I wonder what I'll call it oh it'll be great fun I can move my family in and... and..." Randylyl's delusions were crushed as the castle crumbled to the ground, collapsing in on itself in a pile of rubble.

"Sorry mate. You know the rule about evil fortresses collapsing though." Said Phil.

"WOT?" Demanded Randylyl. "What the hell do you speak of fool? That fortress was just fine until whatshisface died." Randylyl didnt seem to realize that he had just answered his own question.

"Of course it was just fine!" Called Phil. "Evil fortresses always fall apart when their owners die, no matter how well built or impenitrible they are."

"So you're implying" Raved Randylyl. "That if I were to declare myself and evil overlord and then claim my tent as my evil fortress, that it would fall down upon my death?"

"Or your defeat." Added Zorbilliam. "I'm not quite certain about the rules on that."

"What if I only bought, say, a roach motel and named that my lair of iniquity?" He asked, clearly not understanding the locig of the destroying lair theory.

"It would collapse upon your defeat and or death." I said resolutely.

"What if it was a, oh I don't know, what if it was my mother's womb?" Inquired the psychotic one.

"It would still collapse." Sighed Crotch.

"That dosn't make one damned bit of sense! You mean to tell me just by designating a place as my evil lair it will be destroyed upon my death? Is that at all safe? I mean, the building would have to be alerted at least 24 hours in advance of my demise to clear out belongings!" He raged.

"I'm afraid not, soon as you die, no matter how unexpectedly, the building blows up or crumbles leaving just enough time for the heroes to escape, it's all in the adventurer's handbook." Replied Phil sagely.

"Bloody bastards!" Randylyl screamed as he pointed a finger at us all. "Why did none of you fools tell me that I was buying what was about to be a pile of rubble? What if I declared a pile of rubble as my evil lair? Huh? What then!?" He demanded.

"It would collapse when you died, of course. And we didn't tell you because anyone in their right mind knows that evil lairs collapse." Replied Phil.

Randylyl made a typical retort of: "Damn it I hate you all!" After which he went into one of his fits of rage and after we subdued him we continued our journey.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 23 November 2004 - 03:00 AM

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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Posted 23 November 2004 - 07:13 AM

I loved the change of persona at the start. I used to always switch between tenses when I wrote things at primary school.
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