[Just your average movie goer]

Mate, that was BRILLIANT! I loved that episode... the gnome shouting lines from Unreal Tournament was fantastic...

but the introductions before the climactic duel was just pure comic hilarity.

Great work!

[SimeSublime]

Sorry for the lack of replies. Australia Day and whatnot.

Honestly, I think that last one made me laugh the most out of any chapter so far. The naked elf patrol was good, but Randylyl's comment was brilliant. Truely awe inspiring.

Stopping for tea before the dual was a great touch, but I loved Phil calling him a bastard. Thats exactly what I would have done

And those sneaky gomes are starting to appear. Just can't trust the little runts, I tell you.

Two Thumbs up

[J m HofMarN]

(references to the Simpsons, Lance and Eskimo comics, D&D, The Hobbit, Star wars ep5, Michael Jackson, the Lion King, and all those fantasy movies are herein)

Chapter 21: The elves of a darker complexion

It gets rather tiring saying that we walked uneventfully to the next place where something interesting would happen, so I'll just let you imagine what we did to get from Skabatel to the cursed woods.

The trees were strange and alien to us and the entire forest had an unwholesome feeling about it.

"This wood! It's cursed laddy!" Cried Crotch.

"Indeed. It has many fell enchantments set upon it by the dark elves.

"No, I mean there's bad words carved into their bark!" Replied Crotch as he went to examine one of the trees in detail.

"Do what to my mother!? Why you bastard!" He scowled and hacked at the tree savagely with his axe.

"This cursed wood is an ill place" Remarked SW. "We should hurry on before..."

His words were cut off by the head of an arrow being pointed at his face.

"We'll just tie ourselves up thanks." He said, knowing the routine from years of adventuring. We tied ourselves up and blindfolded ourselves and our captors commented on what nice prisoners we were before dragging us down to their dark halls, all the while singing a song that warned of the torment that awaited us.

"We're going to take you down
to our drow city blind and bound
and we'll poke you with things
and ummm other nasty stuff
and we'll take away your rings
and generally treat you rough
and if we get really bored
we'll hit you with our swords"

One of the smart aleck dark elves added in his own verse.

"And this song isn't helping at all
to intimidate the captives in our hall."

We all pretty much nodded our agreement to this and the dark elf captain whapped him over the head.

"Shud up Lenny." He said angrily as we were led before the dark elf king, King Carl.

"Surfacers! We never get to see enough surfacers down here. How are you boys?"

"Quite well sir." Said Phil, once again taking up as our spokeswizard.

"That's good to hear. Sorry about tying you up and blindfolding you, it's a traditional welcome. Have some salad with our very own spiders salad dressing why don't you?" He asked politely.

"We were actually under the impression that you would be attempting to feed us to spiders, thus creating a sense of suspense and peril as we tried to escape their webs." Said Phil, his words sending a young drowling scurrying out of the room in tears.

"What?" Cried Carl. "Heavens no! We don't have any spiders here. My daughter's scared to death of them! Spiders are outlawed, and for speaking of such horror and scaring my precious child you must suffer."

Phil braced himself and prepared to use a spell to break the ropes and fight as the king pronounced our doom.

"You will not be allowed croutons on your salads." He said solemnly.

"What the devil kind of dark elf are you!" I yelled.

"Oh! Oh! Racists! Racists!" Yelled many in the crowd as we were prodded with swords and other nasty things and the king boomed out.

"How dare you! We prefer the term 'elves of a darker complexion'. For this you will be punished severely. One of you must fight Lenny, and if he falls than you shall remain here to serve as handmaidens to Hoth, the goddess of ice and frozen tundra, and large four legged attack vehicles. If you win you will go free and your offense will be forgiven. Choose a champion." He said as the guards glared at us.

Naturally, I was selected, and Lenny and I marched up to the surface as all the drow watched. The battle was terrible and as we hacked and hewed at eachother we rove over the woods, the drow and my imprisoned companions watching. It was a bit hard to fight with my hands still tied up because the author had just assumed that people would imagine that I'd been released from my bonds. However in the minds of some of the more picky readers it never happened since it wasn't written about, and so I died there THE END.

However if you're not the sort to pick the story apart, I had my hands and ankles free and we fought fiercely until we reached a cliff. Here the trees abated and the dark elf got the advantage as I came to the edge. He grabbed me by the neck and held me over the edge helplessly. Suddenly someone below who had just been passing by cried out "Hey theres a weird looking pale guy holding someone over a ledge!" A squad of reporters began taking pictures, believing he was actually a pop star and I was his son.

"Soon everything the light touches will be yours..." He said as he held me up over the cliff, then tried to fix his statement. "Ermm I mean mine... Err ours... Something... Anyhow, prepare to die!" He cried in victory as he tossed me back onto the cliff and held his sword at my throat. "Any last words, you politically incorrect fool?" He asked confidently.

"Yeah." I said. "Speaking of light, you should be suffering a negative 2 penalty to all your roles as well as negative 2 to your dexterity rolls right... about... now." I grinned in victory as his hands went to his eyes as he suddenly realized he was blinded by the bright sunlight and stumbled before falling over the cliff, grasping the obligatory safety root that had been put there for just such situations by the Skabatel department of cliff maintenance.

I knew what I had to do. I walked over and stretched out my hand. "Take my hand!" I said. "Don't throw your life away!"

"Thanks man." He said as he grasped my hand. I couldn't help but blink as he hopped up and dusted himself off and I looked at him agape.

"What the bloody hell was that!?" I demanded angrily.

"What do you mean, I accepted your offer to save my life." He said.

"You're not supposed to! You twit! The adventurer's handbook clearly states that when I hold out my hand to a villain dangling from a safety root that the person is supposed to say "I'd rather die" and then spit in my face and fall to their doom." I explained.

"Well that'd be stupid wouldn't it?" He asked.

"Oh bugger this!" I said as I pushed him off the cliff yet again. I left him dangling from the safety root and rejoined my friends as we were allowed to continue on our way to the ports.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 02 February 2005 - 04:48 AM

[Just your average movie goer]

Yay! More Glamis! I loved all the references in this - but as always the case with Glamis, what wins me over is the clever prose and the dialogue.

I really liked the reference to picky readers.

And -

"Soon everything the light touches will be yours..." He said as he held me up over the cliff, then tried to fix his statement. "Ermm I mean mine... Err ours... Something... Anyhow, prepare to die!"

was brilliant.

As always, the gag to close the chapter was hilarious. I can say, without any doubt in my mind, that out of all your work, Glamis is by far my favourite. And I think it'd be something you could push to the publishers as well. I reckon a lot of people would love this story.

[Slade]

Finally got around to reading it, awexome stuff. It makes me want to work on some of my other stories again. Keep up the excellent work, and much obliged for the Chuzzlewit nod.

[SimeSublime]

If he wasn't an elf, I would have thought Lenny was from Logika. Right from the start he struck me as rather insane. According to the manual for Icewind Dale 2, drow only have a -1 to hit, damage and saving throws whilst outside during the day. Just to be pedantic and all Regardless, great work as always. The 'THE END' part rather reminded me of the wishing well at Bumkis's mansion in 'Sam and Max Hit the Road', and as such gave me extra laughs.

[J m HofMarN]

Thanks for your great comments guys. And Sime, I'm pretty sure its 2, since a -1 penalty wouldnt be too harsh. It was two in the books I checked but ah well. You're probably right so I'll change it when I go back and edit. Now prepare yourselves for the next chapter, or be caught unprepared and devoured by it.

[SimeSublime]

Oh, I'm prepared. And hey, your books are probably right, being actual books and all. I assume they must have lessened the penalty for the game to fit better into the computer senario.

[J m HofMarN]

Chapter 22: The chapter you have to be prepared for

Meanwhile, Robear was busy taunting his newest captive.

"Why hello princess, I hope you are enjoying your accomodations. Don't worry, you won't be here long, it's just a temporary room until I move you to some place more pleasant. BWAHAHAHAHAHA" He fell into a fit of evil laughter before finally recovering. "Sorry about that, I have tourettes syndrome you see so I tend to BWAHAHAHAHAHA occasionally..."

"Really?" She asked, astounded. "That's the same thing I have!" They looked at eachother, already feeling a closeness.

"Are you serious?" He asked. "BWAHAHAHAHA How does yours manifest?"

"Oh, I randomly spit in peoples faces or knee them in the groin..." She said, looking down sadly.

The dark one nodded in understanding. "All my life I've been shunned because I cant control my evil laughter. The other children were so cruel, calling me an evil overlord and stuff... The communist party of Carmalon were the only ones who accepted be but even then I couldnt get any job except the lord of this fortress... Oh it was hard." He nearly fell into tears but, in the middle of a sob suddenly broke into yet another "BWAHAHAHAHA!"

"I feel your pain!" Exclaimed the princess. "I could never go on diplomatic missions or anything and so my father just set me aside to be the obligatory kidnapped princess. I cant believe we both share this, I feel like I've known you all my life!" She smiled joyously before accidentally kneeing him in the crotch.

"Meee teeewww...." The evil one squeeked out before limping out of her chamber and sending in the guards.

The first guard entered, seeming a bit rogueish and grinning at her. "Well, aren't you ripe for a ravaging..." He remarked, before being felled by a knee to the groin.

"I really am sorry" the princess explained. "I don't mind a ravaging, just I have this little problem and all. Oh I'm so sorry."

The next guard slipped in cheerfully. "You're looking lovely today, princess." He complimented, before having his face spat in and getting kneed in the groin.

As the two other guards lay on the floor writhing in agony another came in, looking around the room. "Is this cell number 143? I think I'm a bit loooooooooagh you've kicked me in the groin why in the hell would you just achhh." He fell with the others.

"Would you like some cookies? I just baked them." The next guard said before falling to the floor cradling his mauled manhood.

Seeing his fallen comrades, the next guard came in very cautiously, speaking in a rather timid voice. "You know, I used to work as a lawyer for a very well reputed feminist group and I volunteer every weekend at a shelter for battered women." The princess smiled to him good naturedly as he came forward. "I also vote pro-choice in every election ECH!" He cried out as he too fell victim to the princess' knee.

As the guards continued to pile up on the floor Robear finally finished preperations for the princess' new chambers and came to tell her of them. Naturally she spit in his face but he took it in good stride as they walked down the hall idly chatting.

"Before I show you to your new quarters you have to make a decision. You may only choose one of the candidates while the others will be cast into the pit of no return..." The master of malevolence cackled once again as two servants came forward, cradling two similiar looking bundles, though one was blue and the other was pink."

The princess looked between them before finally deciding on the blue one and nodding the Robear.

"Very well!" He said evilly. "The curtains shall be blue! Throw those pink ones into the pit! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

The princess smiled as they walked into her nicely decorated room and Robear, taking a bit of time out from his dealings with his prisoner, summoned his book keeper to him.

"Advisor, tell me why lightening hasnt struck during this chapter when I cackle evilly..." He said, looking to the bespectacled fellow.

"Well my lord, from my records it appears that it only happens when you're doing something particularly evil in coersion with the laugh or when you're laying out your evil plan." The advisor replied.

"Oh enough with the evil stuff already... Still it would be interesting to test that theory. Princess I'll leave you with my advisor, I need to go explain my plan to save the world from bourgeoise oppression.

The princess nodded as the advisor smiled to her and asked her how she was doing. As Robear closed the door he heard the sound of a knee hitting someone's groin and a body falling to the ground. "I like that girl!" He thought to himself, as he had his troops gathered for his speech.

Finally he came out onto a high balcony, overlooking over three thousand darkly armored specks below, as well as twenty one large forms of trolls. It was certainly an impressive host.

He prepared to begin his speech when an elven voice called out from within the crowd. "Ummm excuse me... does anyone know which way it is to Skabatel? Theres a council there I'm supposed to attend..."

This drew a sigh from the dark lord. "Would someone help Ther'Diblynd down to the dungeons or something? Come on people, really!" The elf was led off and the evil one began thusly:

"The history of all hitherto existing societies is the history of class struggles. Freeman and slave, patrician and plebeian, adventurer and orc, lord and serf, guild-master and journeyman, in a word, oppressor and oppressed, stood in constant opposition to one another, carried on an uninterrupted, now hidden, now open fight, a fight that each time ended, either in a revolutionary re-constitution of society at large, or in the common ruin of the contending classes."

The orcs all looked up at him and simply blinked.

"Bloody hell! You would think you guys would have at least some basic understanding of simple Marxist theory!" He exclaimed as the orcs continued to stare blankly.

"Oh for the the love of Engels! Go raid the ports of Tranden or something!"

[J m HofMarN]

Note to self: Communist manifesto quote needs to include reference to Tuesday.

[Slade]

Hehe, the image of guard after guard piling up on the floor and writhing in agony while clutching genitalia is hilarious. As well as that elf who was in the entire wrong part of the world. Poor blighter.

[J m HofMarN]

Actually that was an obscure reference to CH13, I mentioned a very lost elf and thought to put him in at least one of the chapters, though now that I think of it he'll have a greater purpose.

[Just your average movie goer]

Excellent! The groin kneeing damsel in distress appears. And the Communist Manifesto was great fun as well.

Glad to see so much more of Glamis these days, mate. Very glad.

[Chyld]

Ah, good stuff as ever. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

[SimeSublime]

BWAHAHAHAHA indeed. But I can't work out where that elf's name comes from