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The epic and mystical journey of Glamis the Great A novel

#1 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 10 November 2004 - 07:25 AM

All great journeys begin with a single step. This one began with me flopping down into an elven easy chair. It wasn't terribly much more comfortable than a regular chair but it was elven and if something is elven it means two things. One: that it is supposed to be way better than anything else and two: that it's expensive.

Well I could afford it because of my sweet job. My father caught the king having sex with my mother so he hunted him down and mercilessly murdered him over a period of about one to two months (the sages are still debating the exact length of time he took) It took so long because the king had a whole lot of hit points. Anyhow the queen of Illythia, the town I live in, knighted my father and as a reward for his horrific torture of her husband she declared him to be the town's adventurer.

My mother eventually came home and my father forgave her after the first night she spent there, though he still brought it up every once in a while when he was feeling a might bit peckish. Either that or he'd just carry her off and ravage her. There was an awful lot of ravaging going on around the time I was born and as I understand it I'm the product of a ravaging myself. Everyone seems to be a good sport about it and all though.

It's practically understood that a fellow's wife will likely be ravaged at any given moment. That's what really bugged my dad- if the king had just behaved like a decent lord and come in and ravaged my mother there would have been absolutely no hard feelings, everyone's pretty used to it. But instead they had to consensually cheat on him, what the devil can the world be coming to?

Anyhow my father became the town adventurer because of that and a fine adventurer he was. He died a while back after getting ravaged by a woman adventurer from Muthes. Come to think of it maybe he wasnt that great of an adventurer after all. Or at least not good enough to avoid getting beaten up by a girl.

So that's how the title came to me. It was a lot of fun. I'd get drunk and then challenge random people to duels, I'd accuse small animals of attacking me and slay them and of course I got everything I wanted for free being as adventurers don't have to pay for anything.

So that's the story of how I got the elven chair I was sitting in when the wizard Phil appeared. He wasnt exactly fabled and he didn't so much appear as he just walked in. He yelled "BANG" rather loud though so it seemed as though he'd appeared with a thunderclap or something. Come to think of it I'd never even heard of the wizard Phil until he introduced himself, which he did immediately upon arrival.

"Greetings! It is I!" He called out in a loud voice, raising bushy eyebrows that hung down nearly to his white beard which had a chicken wing stuck in it. His robes were all brown and his hat was grey and conical and probably fell off in a strong wind. Regardless he was a tall and impressive man.

"Ummm.. That's good." I ventured. I didn't at all inquire about what he was doing in my house. It is perfectly typical for adventurers to walk into people's houses without a word and just snatch whatever they please. Generally it's considered good luck if all they do is smash your clay pots, steal any healing items you had and then leave without ravaging you.

"I have come to lead you on a mystical journey, one from which you are unlikely to return!" I was begining to realize that this wizard ended every sentence with an exclamation point.

"If I'm unlikely to return than I think I'll pass." I said. It's not that I'm a coward but I really do enjoy living, as opposed to like, you know, being dead or something.

"I only said you wouldn't return, not that you'd die!"

"Well why wouldnt I come back here unless I was dead?"

"You might only be horribly maimed and not able to make the trip back!" He pointed out, cheered by being able to make his statement seem vague though it clearly wasn't. I tried to interject as I didn't find this a very nice prospect.

"But..." He cut me off and continued.

"Or your face might get eaten by a dragon and you wouldnt want to ever be seen by human eyes again!"

I finally broke in at this. "You're not helping your cause any!"

"I'm just trying to say that there are other things that could happen to you besides death!" He retorted.

"Well isnt there anything better than death that could befall me?" I inquired testily.

"I suppose, if you're into that sort of thing! Anyhow, let me tell you about the actual quest.

End part 1

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 10 November 2004 - 07:30 AM

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#2 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 10 November 2004 - 07:58 AM

Hmmm, I sense aspects of satire. Intrest is raised.
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#3 User is offline   Madam Corvax Icon

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Posted 10 November 2004 - 08:33 AM

JW - is this one of the novels you wanted to publish or is it completely new thing. Is it already written or are you making this up as you go?

I really like your style and I am not quite sure then why you were so down the other day when you wrote that drunken post about not being able to write. This is not a product of someone who has a writer's block, nnless I am very much mistaken.

How much more will we get?
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Posted 10 November 2004 - 08:41 AM

JM, this is fantastic. Keep it coming, mate.

I love your main characters' mind wanderings... many great laugh out loud moments in there.

The normality of ravaging, with no hard feelings.

I loved the wizard's entrance, the little exchange.



Too many moments to list... but keep this coming, mate. smile.gif
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#5 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 10 November 2004 - 08:31 PM

Sime- Indeed, I'm going to incorporate various fantasy stereotypes, satyrical elements and a bit of ill placed common sense into this story and it should make things quite interesting.

Madam- this is a novel I started a while ago and never finished so I'm posting it here and I'll probably conclude it here as well.

Thanks for the kind comments. I've been writing sporadically but havn't been able to ever follow through, I figured this would be a decent location where I could actually finish my writings since other people would (hopefully) want me to do so.

As for how much more you'll get if I do a good job and everyone wants to see the whole novel than it will all be written here.

Movie Goer- the next chapter will be posted tonight.

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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#6 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 10 November 2004 - 10:15 PM

"We must form a group of brave souls for a perilous quest to overthrow the threat posed by lord Robear of the Evil Fortress! All that stands between him and this defenseless village is the great tower of vigillance, the great seaward wall, the impassable mountains of Fardun, the emerald forests of the south," He paused to take a breat here.

"and the nigh invincible floating fortress of Galba! Oh, and the Muthesian wizards. And the elven archers of the emerald forest! And the warriors of Ives! And the cunning gnomes of Tranden! Also, the various beasts on the plains of Illythia! And likely several rivers that, during the summer rainy season, would be in full flood and easily sweep away a whole horde of goblins!

Where was I! Oh, yes, I was telling you that we're in imminent peril! Well anyhow I invited a bunch of friends of mine over and we're going to drag you along on a perilous quest to stop this imminent threat!"

I blinked at him as he finally finished his tyrade, not even sure where to start. I decided in the end to do the polite thing and make up some tea. The door began to open quicky, and I scarcely had my crumpets made when I returned to find the entire table seated with odd people who the wizard (who only named himself as "I") soon began to make introductions.

"Friends, evles, dwarves!"

A short gentleman with a great deal of stubble on his face suddely interupted. "There aren't any elves or dwarves here."

Another voice came from a young man who looked like you could cleave him in two with a rusted butter knife. "I'm part elven."

The first speaker yelled back at him. "No you're not Gilliam you just say that because you find pointy ears sexually attractive."

The wizard at this point was fed up and tapped his stick against the floor loudly for attention. "As I was saying! Friends, you are in the house if Glamis, a mighty swordsman who shall aid our cause!"

They all nodded to me curiously as they drank my tea and shattered the cups on the ground afterwards to check for useful items. The wizard continued amid the massacre of my china-ware.

"Glamis, you already know my name."

"No I don't you..."

He cut me off, as is his habit. "Do not presume to know the ways of wizards! Perhaps you know it and you just don't realize that you know it! Now, as for my companions! This!"

He gestured to a surly and dark looking fellow at his side. "Is Surly Wanderer! He's surly! He's a wanderer! Any questions?! Good!"

Surly Wanderer, or S.W. as we would come to call him, merely nodded to me and cursed at me in some long forgotten tongue. "U $UX0® N3WB!!!" He called out in his obscure language.

The wizard continued unabated and pointed to a similiarly grumpy looking human who wore tattered royal robes and had an error of fallen grace about him as if he'd been tossed down from a lofty throne.

"This is Zorbiliam, former king of Carmalon who has fallen from grace and been tossed down from a lofty throne!"

Zorbiliam nodded angrily. "And when I get my hands on that Robear what deposed me I'll hang him every day for a month!"

I found this a trifle vindictive but never the less the introductions continued. The great sage turned and pointed to an odd looking fellow clothed in a tee shirt and jeans whos name was revealed to be Randylyl.

"This my friend is Randylyl the mad, who would just as soon eat your belly button lint as look at you!"

Randylyl gave a shrug and greeted me. "Hello there, don't believe what he says, I'm the only one in this party with any sense at all."

The spell weaver continued on, ignoring the words of this crazy man and gesturing to two others at the table. "These are the two party members who will certainly die."

I was about to wave to them when a ceiling beam fell and crushed one of their heads with a resounding splat. The introductions paused for us all to hop up and loot his corpse. Randylyl simply stared on in horror.

"Have you people no respect for the dead? And another thing! Why are you just leaving his nude corpse laying in your dining room? Shouldn't the building safety inspector be notified of this and shouldn't we try to..."

The wizard crashed his staff over Randylyl's head and shoulders repeatedly. "Silence yourself! We'll have none of your malcontent and madness entering upon our counsel!"

Randylyl slumped down into his seat and his attacked completed the introductions by pointing to two odd looking people who were just sitting down, one of them carrying the slain would-be adventurer's undergarments. The first one was tall and incredibly well built and wore only a loin cloth and an odd head dress and had a bone through his nose. His ears also had an odd string connected to piercings at the tops that pulled them upwards to make them pointy.

"This is Farzwallen the barbarian. However we need an elf and I've decided he shall be the one. To do so I changed his name to Pinecone, which sounds more elven.

Pinecone called out in a loud and gruff voice. "Me no like Pinecone! Me kill with sword!"

The wizard raised a brow at this and snatched up Pinecone's enchanted claymore and replaced it with a shortbow and a quiver of arrows. "Elves do not smash with claymores, they use bows, and so shall you master Pinecone!"

Pinecone sat down rather defeated and I grinned as I snatched up the magical sword, my own sword having lost its tip when I repeatedly rammed it into a woman's pussy. She was rather sore about her cat but what else could I do- it had been attacking my shoelaces.

Having now only one person left to introduce the enchanter turned to a short stout fellow, the one with the stubbly beard and said: "And this is Crotch, son of Roids."

The man, who was certainly no dwarf, looked to me miserably. "My name's Travis actually. I was told that to come on this adventure I had to stop shaving. I dont so much mind that as that I always have to drink ale and I really can't hold my liquer too well."

The wizard glowered at him. "Hold your tongue, son of Roids! What would your father say about that? And your mother, Zoot, what would old Zoot think? Exactly!"

The introductions having been made the wizard now set about telling us all what we were to do and how we were to do it, a tale that shall be related in the next section.

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- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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Posted 11 November 2004 - 04:08 AM

That was brilliant! This is a very neat little satire of all the crap in fantasy novels.

I especially loved the start of this section...

QUOTE
"We must form a group of brave souls for a perilous quest to overthrow the threat posed by lord Robear of the Evil Fortress! All that stands between him and this defenseless village is the great tower of vigillance, the great seaward wall, the impassable mountains of Fardun, the emerald forests of the south," ...


and

Randylyl the mad, the voice of sanity. This is a good statement you're making here because I often find that in the real world, it is so often the sane people who are labelled as 'mad'.
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Posted 11 November 2004 - 09:53 AM

Wow, JM, I can see that you've been playing Diablo and reading Tolkien. Claymores and short bows, and a character dragged against his will in a mission? On the other hand, why not.
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Posted 11 November 2004 - 11:28 AM

QUOTE
And the cunning gnomes of Tranden

Damn those gnomes! They're trickly little bastards, just when you think you have them figured, they change everythint! Or sometimes they don't, just to fool you! The bastards! They come screaming into battle with their puma allies. You'd think that they'd ride the pumas, but oh no, the pumas ride them. I told you. Tricky little bastards.


Oh, and I'm quite loving it so far. Well done.
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#10 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 11 November 2004 - 11:55 PM

QUOTE
"I especially loved the start of this section..."
Same here, that and Crotch the dwarf were my favorite parts. I especially like the begining because after that full two paragraphs the wizard finally says: "Oh, yes, I was telling you that we're in imminent peril!"

Sime- You know I'm using that gnome speech you just wrote, right?

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- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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#11 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 12 November 2004 - 01:20 AM

I was hoping you would wink.gif
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#12 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 12 November 2004 - 02:55 AM

Just as the caster was about to make his explanation of our plans Randylyl the mad had the worst idea ever. "I have the best idea ever!" He cried. We all looked to him with barely restrained intolerance. "Why dont we go to this evil fortress, kick the crap out of this guy, and be back here in time for the weekend? We could get a group fare on one of those gnomish flying machines maybe."

Phil looked to him agrily. "You reprehensible fool! Even if your plan had any root in logic or the laws of adventure. And besides, noone knows that those mysterious airships are actually made by the Tranden gnomes."

Randylyl was defiant in his insanity. "And who else do you presume made them, the dwarves perhaps?"

Everyone laughed except for SW, who was too surly and of course Crotch, who was supposed to be a dwarf. After the laughter died down to a roar Pinecone pointed a burly finger at Crotch. "Dwarf stupid! hahahaha!"

Crotch glared at him, holding his axe. "Suck me, pointy ears."

"What dwarf say!?" Roared Pinecone. Now we came to posess some very interesting knowledge about Pinecone. Whereas most elves would die horribly in melee combat, Pinecone (though not very bright) could use a bow in ways that made Jackie Chan look like Steven Hawking.

As the horrible beating continued the wizard spoke up. "No, it would be far too dangerous to attempt an open assault on the evil fortress! There is evil there that only sleeps when it runs out of Jolt® Cola! We must go north to seek the sage advice of the elves in Skae'batel!"

Randylyl spoke out of turn once more. "We already have an elf to give us advice, he's currently using a bow in ways it's not meant for."

The wizard turned an angry eye on Pinecone. "Pinecone! A longbow is not meant for penetration! It is at the very best a bashing weapon! Take it out of there immediately!"

Pinecone continued to torture the unfortunate dwarf and it came time for Phil to prove why he was the undisputed leader of our group. He yelled out a spell "Throw apple!" He cried, taking a red delicious from the fruit basket that adorned the middle of the table.

The spell worked as the apple splattered on the elven barbarian's chest and knocked him off his victim. Everyone was glad the wizard had saved the dwarf's life with his spell.

Crotch muttered something like "ach laddy, I never thought I'd see the day when I got ravaged by a barbarian posing for an elf."

Phil retook his place at the table and then looked about. "Anyone still in favor of asking Pinecone for elven wisdom raise their hands and be hit with an apple spell."

Not even Randylyl the mad dared to utter any of his ill begotten advice and so the great sage laid out our course of action. "We shall go North to Skae'batel! To get there we must pass through the great central mountains, ford the river of misery, pass the unpleasant swamp, and possibly the mountains of death!"

Randylyl jumped up and shouted. "Idiot! Why can't we take the eastern road? It's shorter and it'll save time and anguish." Thus was the lack-wit counsel put forth by Randylyl the mad.

Phil's voice boomed throughout the dining room. "Away with your zany ideas, fool! We dare not take the eastern road, it is too perilous!"

Randylyl was indignant in his malaise. "Perilous? The Illythian department of path maintenance has just planted wild flowers along the side of it! We could stop by the house of pleasure and uninhibited women on the way there. What the devil kind of peril are you talking about?"

The wizard raised a brow, tolerating the fool's words impatiently. "Well..." He started off, raising a bushy eyebrow. "The traffic! Yes, the traffic would be too perilous.

At this point Randylyl had one of his fits of insane rage aand began screaming nameless profanities and trying to smite the wizard with his flail. After the party held him down til he tired himself out we decided it was time to set off for our journey, which would be perilous, but not nearly so perilous as if we had taken the eastern road. Oh Gods help those who take the eastern road!

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 12 November 2004 - 03:00 AM

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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Posted 12 November 2004 - 08:01 AM

Mate, that was fantastic. There were a couple of moments I loved particulary -


QUOTE
"What dwarf say!?" Roared Pinecone. Now we came to posess some very interesting knowledge about Pinecone. Whereas most elves would die horribly in melee combat, Pinecone (though not very bright) could use a bow in ways that made Jackie Chan look like Steven Hawking.

As the horrible beating continued the wizard spoke up. "No, it would be far too dangerous to attempt an open assault on the evil fortress! There is evil there that only sleeps when it runs out of Jolt® Cola! We must go north to seek the sage advice of the elves in Skae'batel!"


laugh.gif I loved that bit, especially the Jolt-Cola line because my brothers and I made a similar joke out of that whole "There is evil there that does not sleep." line. Great minds think alike, hey?

But I really loved the bit where they decide what road to take... and Randylyl pushes for the Eastern Road.

QUOTE
After the party held him down til he tired himself out we decided it was time to set off for our journey, which would be perilous, but not nearly so perilous as if we had taken the eastern road. Oh Gods help those who take the eastern road!



That was a marvelous close to the latest installment. Classy humour, as all your humour is. smile.gif
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Posted 13 November 2004 - 01:33 AM

Definatly. Well written biggrin.gif
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#15 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 13 November 2004 - 06:35 AM

There will be a good update probably sunday or monday, I'm too blitzed from work tonight. Forgive me for the delay.

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I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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