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I must admit, though I'm almost a 1 year L&E veteran I've never been much on extinct beverages. I loved the articles but to pay five dollars for a beverage that was meant to taste horrid I just couldn't conceive of it... Ok maybe I could but I was low on money. Well after coming into some cash I went on a shopping spree. I bought crazy things like shoes and food and underwear and I felt I should make up for these unwise choices by doing something sensible. And when I saw a four box of stinger extreme energy drink I couldn't resist the great value at only six dollars.
Now before tasting an energy drink its customary to investigate it. This beverage frightened me because it seemed so manly and agressive. I half expected it to hop off the shelf and give me a wedgy. Before I could bare the back of my tighty whities to it I had to decide which type of Stinger would abuse me. And boy was it ever going to abuse me. There were four frightening choices. I felt like I was choosing which heavyweight boxer I would have to fight. There was Enraged Raspberry, sugar free Enraged Raspberry, Pounding Punch and Sinful Citrus. Forgive me for asking but why would anyone want to be enraged, pounded or sinned? Aren't those... bad things? If I remember correctly did not Yoda say "Sin leads to Rage, rage leads to pounding pounding... leads to suffering"? Isn't suffering the last one of the six esses? Oh my. I want to go home... I want to go home, now! And I did go home, carrying a 4 pack of pounding punch.
I've gotten my nerve back up. I'm going to see what kind of website these folks have. Oh... more good news. The drink is manufactured by a little mom and pop business called NVE Pharmaceuticals. They advertise that they're the ONLY manufacturer of STACKER-2. I think I'm about to find out why. You can see for yourself here at www.stacker2.com Wait... stacker 2 isn't a harmless placaebo like I thought... It's the worlds... strongest... fat... burner. Oh no. I want out in the worst way. I don't have any fat that needs burning. I don't want to burn at all! Fat burners aren't safe. And I easily reconoiter that "world's strongest" means "world's deadliest" I could swear I saw stacker-2 being poked at with a stick by Steve Irwin and then spitting a steam of pink liquid into his eyes, sending him running for Terry to take him to the Sydney hospital.
I think this whole weight loss potion craze can be blamed, like all things, on violent video games. Sure violent video games are at fault for the terrible things young americans do every day (like how a bunch of them went over to Iraq and killed thirty thousand civilians after playing quake 2) But we seem to have overlooked that the use of potions to fix everything in video games has rubbed off on some of us. I can clearly understand that if I get hacked to death with a massamune then there aint no beverage that's going to bring me back. In the same way there is no beverage that will increase my speed or make me invulnerable or less heavy. That only happens in video games people! That being said if this thing actually does kill me bring me one phoenix down and a megalixer, stat! And get that lawyer, Matlock! I'm going to need him for my lawsuit on NVE Pharmaceuticals.
So I'm looking over their website and it's fascinating. It looks like a diet product website. I expect some oily guy with no body hair to admonish me to buy whatever it is they're selling at any moment. It happens just as soon as the little flash thing loads. Well here's a nice thing. They actually sell their beverage. I can buy twenty four cans of this stuff for the low price of forty two dollars. Sure I could afford about a hundred cans of infinitely better tasting pepsi cola for the same price but they don't have such cool stuff on their website. For instance. Coke dosn't have very believable testimonials to assure us that its product works. NVE Pharmaceuticals brings out the opinions of noted experts such as Elee Hayon and Sherylkee Kludt... Sure those may SOUND made up but those people might be real. Maybe. I guess.
Somehow I imagine their testimonials go somewhat like this. "Hi I'm Elee Hayon and I used to be a rich fat slob. Then I found Stacker 2. I spent all my money on it so I'm not rich anymore. In fact I can't even buy food so I'm not fat anymore either. I may be a wee bit malnourished but I have my self respect back. My slim figure has helped me in my new job; pleasuring businessmen and women for scraps! Thanks, Stinger extreme energy drink!"
Then again you could also see it advertised on VH1: Behind the music. "Yeah, at the 'eight of me adikshun I was doing 84 dollars worth of Stinger a day. The bloody drumma said I needed to slag off the stuff so I threw him out a plite glass winda. 'E was olways drunk anyways and the cops said he fell. It'll be roight 'ard to do a reunion tour now I spose but afta a year of rehab Oi'm cleanin up and startin a sola act."
Fascinating!
Now to find out what I'm going to force into my body. Let's look at nutrtional information and ingredients, shall we. (If I were to compare this to an execution this would be the equivalent of turning down the blindfold and instead starting to hump the blade of the guillotine madly) Nutritional information is as follows and just for added fun I'm going to compare it to a can of vanilla coke. Total fat for PP is 0g. Total fat for can of coke is 0g. Total sodium for PP is 55 mg. Total sodium for coke is 35 mg. Total carbs for pp is 34g. Total carbs for coke is 42 g. Total sugars for PP is 32g. Total sugar for coke is 42 g. Both have 0g of protein. Total calories for PP is 130, coke is 150. It occurs to me that this drink might well just be expensive diet coke. That's the end of their nutritional information. It seems like they're almost exactly the same.
But wait. The Pounding punch has all sorts of neat goodies in it that you can't get in coke. (perhaps because coke is made to quench thirst while Stinger is made to quench the thirst of its makers for blood.) I shall catalogue all the cool stuff found in Pounding punch below.
Carbonated water: This is there to give you gas, a form of energy. Thus my suit for false advertising won't get far when the drink fails to give me any other form of energy but does cause an expulsion of energy from my sphinctor.
Caffeine and Sugar. You know, I could get these in Coca Cola without all the side effects. Energy drinks are placaebos, that's my decision and I'm sure Chefelf will back me on it. If you want an energy drink that is honest and will actually taste good then go buy some Jolt. Let it be known that Caffeine and Sugar are the only things in this drink that will give one energy. Now that we've got the three essentials that make a beverage out of the way let's move on to the things that will ruin what could have been a fine drink.
Yerba Mate, Guarana and Ginseng : It also contains ever-lasting gobstoppers and fizzypop!
Citric Acid : Well that's normal I suppose.
Ascorbic Acid : Ummm... Ok, I guess another acid is ok.
Pantothenic Acid : Wait! I'm going to DRINK this? It has more acid in it then the Kool-Ade at Tim Leary's house!
Hydrochloride: Hey wasn't Superman once lowered into a vat of this? Unsettling!
Biotin : This sure sounds experimental. I hope I get super powers!
Taurine: Possible bull's testicles contained in Red Bull --More unsettling.
B vitamin stack : Ummm, I guess they stack them up now, or something. When I was a kid I prefered my vitamins scattered around in a bottle and given to me before bed. I've never seen a stack of vitamins and I doubt Flintstones chewables would stack well anyhow.
Pyrodoxine : I recognize the word pyro because it means fire... Unsettling
Cyanocobalamin : A word even I struggle to pronounce. Let's break that down. Cyan means blue. Ocobal is probably some south american bird. Amin is the elven word for my. Therefore "my blue parrot"
So now let's count this up. We have two ground up animals (a parrot and a bull) Some fire, and four kinds of acid. As well as three silly herbal things that sound healthy.I think I'd rather have the Kool-aid at Tim Leary's... It's rather odd when my stomach is churning BEFORE tasting a beverage.
See
Hmmm it's neon pink with bubbles when you pour it. Beverages that are phosphorescent are never good. The color quickly fades to a less bright neon pink that is translucent and bubbly. It looks like carbonated blush wine. I can't say that's such a bad sign I guess. It looks to be fairly thin and it hasnt eaten away at my glass yet which, with all the acids in it, might be a good sign.
Snifff
It smells... It smells... Hmmm... Well my friend used a rather bad word to describe it's scent but I think I can be more sophisticated. I'm getting something like a peach smell from it, that's one. Then there's a bit of something like citrus, fake citrus but citrus never-the-less. I'm also smelling something I can only call "pink" yes, this beverage certainly smells pink. The overall scent however is burning. The scent of pyrodoxine and the acids is clearly dominant. It nearly burned my nose like when you smell house hold cleaners or sniff a bonfire or a just-opened bottle of highly carbonated beverage.
Sip
Ok I'm halfway through. Half way done. Half way to freedom. I havn't been seriously hurt by this pounding punch yet. Oh, wait, that's because I havn't imbibed any of this vile liquid. Well, here goes. Agh... It's like someone invented sweet sand and then mixed it with an equal part of bitter sand. Actually the bitter sand is more prevalent. This seriously does taste and feel like drinking liquid sand. Fear not though the acid is there to melt away the sand. Wait... That's not just sand it's melting!!! Saliva rushes to cleanse my mouth but it's too late! My tongue! The back of my tongue and throat! My Throat! The danglee thing back there! Have I had my tonsils taken out yet cuz if not I think I just lost them! My precious, precious esophamagus! They'll never be the same! Why God Why!? To sum it up: pink tasting bitter sweet sand burns my mouth. Or in a haikou:
Pink tasting sand is
bitter in my mouth it burns
sweet and firey -- bad
Savor
Hey... this isn't bad.... This isn't bad at all! The burning's gone now and do you know what I taste? Peaches! Nothing but peaches. No acid, no pink, no sand. Just delicious peaches. Fresh too! Wow I like the aftertaste of this drink! This is most uncommon. I suppose it's like eating brussel sprouts topped with sand and acid in order to have a delicious creme brulee for dessert. Mmmm peachy!
Suffer
No nausea has come. However it feels like thousands of acidic little dwarves are mining my stomach. I suppose that would make me lose weight but hey so would cutting off an arm or two. Stomach pain is getting worse and accompanied by a headache now. General feeling of malaise and meloncholy. Urge to write romantic poetry rising. I have a notion to move to London as well. I also have a strange attraction to female members of my family. If my foot becomes crippled than it's official, this beverage is, in fact, a potion made to turn he who drinks it into Lord Byron. I still taste peaches though... Just think about the peaches. Keep thinking of the peaches. They were put there by a man. In a factory downtown. If I had my little way however, I would not eat this kind of peaches every day!
Epilogue: Well I just returned from exile in Greece and my club foot made the trip slow. I intend to have a love affair with my sister upon my arrival. Until then though I decided to try an expirement that Chefelf never considered. I let a can of pounding punch go flat... I remember someone once said that there are things man was not meant to tamper with and this is one of them. It turns into and tastes like pink urine. In conclusion if you have a great amount of money and some stomach lining you don't need and you like the taste of peaches then go buy some of this... this... monstrosity. I however intend to take the prudent course by purchasing a peach and a can of cocacola. Not only will I have more energy and more money but I wont become an English poet who was sexually abused by his nanny.
MultiQuote
That was one very entertaining read. You could be a writer, mate, easily... for a newspaper, magazine or whatever. Just write books about random things in life even. You've got the talent. Many laugh out loud moments in there. That was fantastic stuff.
