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What if Someone Else had Directed TPM? My First Topic!

#1 User is offline   civilian_number_two Icon

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Posted 30 September 2004 - 12:27 PM

Hey everybody, I figured I've been here nearly a year, and have more than 700 posts, it was high time I started a topic of my own. Also, I came across an idea some friends and I had back in the day, among discussion of how our favorite flm in the series, EMPIRE, had endured relatively little interference from Lucas. So we thought: What if someone else had directed TPM?

Note that of course the point of this game is not to take it seriously. Hence:

Woody Allen: The film revolves around the romance between the age-mismatched couple, with occasional breaks for slapstick comic relief. Jar Jar (Allen himself) narrates the film and appears in an opening and closing monologue.

Orson Welles: Lightsaber duel at the end takes place in a hall of mirrors, with a very chatty Darth Maul, played by Welles. Memorable lines throughout, delivered with great panache. Sets worth looking at, too.

Larry Clark: Neglected by his cheerfully clueless Mommy and Daddy, shirtless latch-key waif Anikin meets creepy paedophiles Obi and Qui. They hang out in various Coruscant malls where Anikin turns tricks for arcade money. Plotless film ends when Obi reveals he's contracted AIDS from a kit-built protocol droid.

Kevin Smith: Narrowly escaping a Shit Monster who is ravaging Tatooine, orphaned Anikin forms a bond with convenience-store clerk Qui Gon Gin. (Anikin: "Are you an Angel?" QG: "Don't be such a fuckin' fag, you fuckin' fag"). They travel from here to there, and talk about comic books.

David Lynch: The film takes place in two intersecting realities: suburban Tatooine, in which Patricia Arquette plays Padme, and decadent Coruscant, where corset-clad Rosanna Arquette is Amidala. Maybe they're the same person, maybe not. Film treated to more puking, more stylized violence, and more sex. Non-stop references to say, Alice in Wonderland or Where the Wild Things Are embarrass the staunchest fans, but all love Darth Maul's necklace of Gungun ears. "You'll see me once more if you're bad, twice more if you're good."

Spike Lee: Foresaw and avoided all that Jar Jar shit. Thinking of becoming a Hutterite or whatever it takes, so I can shoot inside Jabba's exclusive palace. Rather than age-mismatched, Anikin and Amidala will be racially mixed. Where do you think Vader got that voice? His mother had to be a sister! Shit that Lucas is one racist cracker!

Francis Ford Coppola: Like Lucas, he was praised in the 70s, a has-been in the 80s, and a hack sell-out in the 90s. Selling point: all of Amidala's gowns are see-through.

Ingmar Bergman: Forced, wooden performances, with characters not necessarily looking at one another when they speak. Mysticism left unexplained. Final three-way chess game still discussed in intellectual circles.

Frank Capra: Takes the time to explain "why" the Trade Federation are bad, rather than simply asserting it. Forces of Good triumph by appearing more charming and wholesome than their opponents, not by ganging up on them.

James Cameron: Gets a few big trucks and his current girlfriend into the picture.

John Waters: Still upset they cut the love-scene with Divine, Jabba and the Rancor.

Stanley Kubrick: Releases the films ten years apart.

Leonard Nimoy: Will only direct if you can figure out a way to resurrect Spock.

Sam Raimi: Two words: Zoom pulls!

Roman Polanski: Entire film takes place indoors. References to Anikin's parentage vague, even hallucinatory. Out-of-nowhere conclusion where Amilada has her arm mangled in trash compacter, because "these things happen."

Paul Verhoeven: The fascists of the Trade Federation are us, you see. We are the fascists. And the naked shower scene is not exploitive. You North Americans are too hung up on nudity, unable to appreciate it in all its natural, dripping-wet teenage beauty.

Oliver Stone: Monologue delineating the evils of the Trade Federation delivered by a mysterious trench-coated Jedi in a momentum grinding 10-minute marathon in the final reel. "Cubist" editing, repetition, and inexplicable changes in film stock are there to serve the metaphor, explicitly outlined in 4-hour supplemental video release and annotated screenplay. The Indian in the desert represents the American Dream, but he also represents death.

John Woo: People still talking about the finale where Obi-Wan, Darth Maul and blinded-by-laserfire Qui-Gon stage a last-ditch defense against several hundred droids of the Trade Federation, acknowledged as the common enemy in an uneasy truce. Battle takes place in a shelled-out warehouse of religious artifacts. Poignant, teary revelation that Qui-Gon's lost daughter is actually Padme, the "handmaiden" he's treated so badly, is nearly unheard amid several thousand explosions during a surprise speedboat chase over a fiery lake of molten steel.
"I had a lot of different ideas. At one point, Luke, Leia and Ben were all going to be little people, and we did screen tests to see if we could do that." -George Lucas, in STAR WARS: the Annotated Screenplays (p197).
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#2 User is offline   Chefelf Icon

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Posted 30 September 2004 - 01:39 PM

Hi, civilian_number_two, welcome to the forums! wink.gif

That is a great idea. Feel free to use my Jerry Bruckheimer Plot Generator to generate some of his minions's work. May take a little tweaking but the results could be excellent!

BTW: Irvin Kershner has some great commentary on the DVDs. I didn't even know he was still alive! Why isn't he involved??
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#3 User is offline   Vwing Icon

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Posted 30 September 2004 - 03:19 PM

All right, I'll mostly be unsuccessful with this, I'm sure, but what the hey.

Quentin Tarantino: The Jedi are some bad-asses led by Mace Windu who go around reciting verses from the Jedi code before they cut off the limbs of their victims. Interestingly, Tarantino abandons the lightsabers, which cauterize wounds, for samurai swords, showing both how the Jedi were much like the samurai warriors, and how cartoonish gore makes movies fun. Also, at the beginning of the movie, we see Darth Maul and Darth Sidious discussing how they're going to destroy the Jedi, a story element which disappears until the very last scene of the movie. Budgeted at 40 million dollars.

Peter Jackson: The movie now runs 3 hours (with an optional extended version available for double the price of a regular DVD after the film release) as massive shots of the scenery dominate the movie. Jackson makes Jar-Jar Binks a dual character, one a likeable sidekick, and the other someone who just annoys the hell out of us. For the latter persona, Jackson follows word-for-word Binks' original dialogue written by George Lucas. At the end of the movie, as Darth Maul (played by Christopher Lee) has Obi-Wan Kenobi (Sean Astin) hanging over the pit after killing Qui-Gon Jinn (Ian McKellen), Jar-Jar, who is attracted to Maul's double-lightsaber, jumps for it, throwing both himself, Maul, and the lightsaber into the pit. A chain reaction ensues after Maul dies, destroying all of the evil battle droids (now painted black), but miraculously not harming any of our heroes. A 30 minute celebration scene takes place at the end of the movie.

The Wachowski Brothers: Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi are a gay couple who have escaped from a Force-created dream world which allows the Sith to feed off the energy of humans. A young adult named Anakin Skywalker is the Chosen One, the only hope for these Jedi refugees. Throughout the course of the movie, Skywalker learns how to become a master of the Force, while subjecting the audience to every single religious theme known to man, whether or not it actually applies to the movie. A final showdown between Skywalker and Darth Maul takes place as they destroy millions of dollars of property and most likely many lives, because it just looks so damn cool. Skywalker wins and everything seems like it will be ok. Then 2 sequels are made, the story is completely changed around, and by the end of it all, no one really cares. (note: I did like the matrix sequels)

Steven Spielberg: Nearly the same exact movie as TPM. The one difference? It's GOOD.
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#4 User is offline   Chefelf Icon

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Posted 01 October 2004 - 07:14 AM

QUOTE (Vwing @ Sep 30 2004, 04:19 PM)
Steven Spielberg: Nearly the same exact movie as TPM. The one difference? It's GOOD.

Except for an above average number of Stormtroopers carrying walkie-talkies. rolleyes.gif
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#5 User is offline   Give Me The Originals Dammit Icon

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Posted 02 October 2004 - 12:41 AM

Wow Civilian a very compehensive and funny list. Between you and what Vwing added (also very funny) I'm not sure if anyone can expand on it. But I'll give it a whirl.

Virtually any director of a disney animated film:

Anakin is a young orphan on the desert planet of Tantooine. He steals so he is able to eat, but only steals from people who are pompous, arrogant pricks who take advantage of those less fortunate than them. This is made painfully obvious by the Emmy nomintated song: "I steal, but only from pompous, arrogant pricks!" (Look for it on the latest release of Disney's Greatest Hits.) One day he chooses the wrong target. One day Anakin spies a bearded man smacking a younger man upside the head. Thinking him to be a prick, Anakin decides to steal from him. Little does Anakin know this bearded man is Qui Gon Jin a jedi master. Qui Gon captures Anakin trying to pick his pockets but instead of turning him over to the authorities, Qui Gon sees something special in this little street urchin and asks him if he wants to learn the ways of the force. Anakin asks what the force is and after another song and dance routine all is explained. Qui Gon then introduces Anakin to the man he was smacking, Obi-Wan Kenobi, who is a bumbling idiot who messes up constantly, but he means well. (obviosly the comic relief)
Enter Padme who just happens to be a princess who is tired of the set of unfair rules laid down by her father, she is headstrong and quick witted who has a thing for boys half her own age, but not in a sexual way mind you. She goes out on a little excursion from the castle (in disguise) where she encounters some trouble from some thugs. Enter our heroes Anakin and company who dispatch the thugs with ease. Padme runs off without so much as a thank you simply stating she has to leave. Anakin is enamored with this beautiful young woman and another song insues this one titled... "my thingy feels funny when I see her"
We then see the villian advisor Palpatine, who has the ear of Padme's father the good King Lucas. He tells of his plans of getting rid of the king so he can be ruler to his henchman, Darth Maul who happens to be an anthropomorphic talking ferret. Padme overhears the information an tries to tell her father about it, but it falls on deaf ears as the good king has had his mind ensnared by the advisor's dark powers.
Long story short Padme encounters Anakin and company again, she enlists their help, singing and dancing ensues, battles are fought, Qui Gon dies, Advisor is defeated, The King gets his mind back, Anakin becomes a national hero. Everyone reflects on Qui-Gon's death, only to have him come on screen. Qui Gon explains that when Palpatine was defeated all the evil he had done was undone, so naturally everyone he killed has come back to life! YAY! Obi Wan does something stupid, everyone laughs... fade to black.
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#6 User is offline   Just your average movie goer Icon

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Posted 02 October 2004 - 07:50 AM

laugh.gif That was fantastic! A very nice little example of a Disney take on the film.
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#7 User is offline   civilian_number_two Icon

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Posted 02 October 2004 - 09:45 AM

I agree! It reminded me of the ballets of Woody Allen, written up in his collection "Without Feathers."
"I had a lot of different ideas. At one point, Luke, Leia and Ben were all going to be little people, and we did screen tests to see if we could do that." -George Lucas, in STAR WARS: the Annotated Screenplays (p197).
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#8 User is offline   Paladin Icon

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Posted 02 October 2004 - 10:15 AM

You know what? Disney isn't doing much songs in their movies recently... does that mean there won't be any more?
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#9 User is offline   Vwing Icon

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Posted 02 October 2004 - 03:11 PM

Beautiful parody of a Disney movie. And Paladin, I didn't realize they stopped the singing and dancing, haven't watched one in a long time, but if so, then that's a sad day for all of us. Or a happy day. Depends how you look at it smile.gif

This post has been edited by Vwing: 02 October 2004 - 03:14 PM

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#10 User is offline   Just your average movie goer Icon

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Posted 02 October 2004 - 06:36 PM

No, it's a happy day. Watch Sinbad and the Legend of the Seven Seas and you will be impressed by what a difference no songs makes. That is a great film, by the way, in its own rights - very entertaining and actually quite mature.
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Posted 03 October 2004 - 12:04 AM

Thanks guys! I'm glad you liked my parody, LOL though to tell the truth it wasn't that hard to come up with, it's amazing how far disney has gotten with such a simple formula for their movies.

As far as songs in the movies go, I guess it really depends for me, If the song is well done I really don't think it detracts from the movie, the Lion King is a perfect example of this. However if the song is annoying, much like the added Jabba sing-a-long in ROTJ I just find myself wanting to commit incredible acts of violence.

I've never seen Sinbad yet, Dreamworks has been kind of spotty as far as their animation goes, I wasn't a fan of Quest for El Derado or The Prince of Egypt, but If it doesn't have any songs I might give it a chance. Leave the songs for Disney, they might not get it right every time, but they at least have more of a history for it.
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Posted 03 October 2004 - 07:20 AM

Ah, was Sinbad a Dreamworks production? Ah. That may explain the absence of songs.
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#13 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 03 October 2004 - 10:05 AM

I know it wasn't disney, but Canibals: The Musical and South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut had great music scenes.
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#14 User is offline   Despondent Icon

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Posted 03 October 2004 - 07:05 PM

the south park guys got word from Stephen Sondheim himself how much he enjoyed the music. Many of you (as I think the south park guys) might be saying, Who's Stephen Sondheim?


the great thing about musicals that he's written for include a device where leads, backup characters and chorus sing different song parts, which fit wonderfully together in intricate and harmonious ways. You know, the shit Lucas usually tries to pull off in the final reel.
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#15 User is offline   ernesttomlinson Icon

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Posted 03 October 2004 - 09:00 PM

Let me try:

Stanley Kubrick: The movie is dominated by long tracking shots down the corridors of desolate spaceships and stations. Anakin actually has a step-brother who is insanely jealous of his mother's affection for Anakin; this long-standing grudge is what turns Anakin to the Dark Side: the step-brother challenges Anakin to a duel but Anakin simply uses the Force Choke on him in a scene five or ten minutes long and almost without dialogue, after which he stares menacingly at the camera in an extended low-angle shot.

John Ford: Tatooine looks exactly like Monument Valley. John Wayne plays Qui-Gon, Jeffrey Hunter plays Obi-Wan, and Ward Bond plays Yoda as a gruff, no-nonsense Jedi sheriff who thinks that Qui-Gon's taking too many stupid risks. Anakin isn't in the movie because Ford doesn't like children; instead the plot is about Obi-Wan's learning from his mentor to hold his own against Darth Maul, played by Jack Palance. And of course Qui-Gon doesn't die in this movie. When does Wayne ever die in any of this movies? (Actually there are a couple of examples, none of them Ford movies.)

Michael Mann: Comprises bravura action sequences interspersed with passages showing how Qui-Gon's, Obi-Wan's, and Anakin's girlfriends don't understand them. They all dump their respective significant others by the end of the film. Obi-Wan does eventually kill shotgun-wielding Maul (who gets as much screen time as Obi-Wan does) but is seriously wounded and psychologically scarred for the rest of his life.

OK, I'm no good at this.
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