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#1 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 28 September 2004 - 07:41 PM

The house sub-comittee of terrorism

Imagine for a moment that, as is likely, the resistance in Iraq wins and we have to make some sort of treaty with the resistance and the terrorists? What would happen? What could we do to appease them? Here's my scenario.

After losing the war the U.S. government is forced to grant many demands of muslim extremists. However rather than just outright letting them blow us all up our leaders negotiated a democratic solution. Now in the year two thousand and six muslim extremists and former regime elements have been given seats in the American senate so that they can make their voices heard in a peaceful and democratic manner. Let's listen in on a session of the senate with the house sub-comittee of terrorism.

Chairman of the senate: The house recognizes Mr. Bin Laden.

Bin Laden: I move that we set fire to the white house!

Chairman of the senate: [annoyed] Mr. Bin Laden that's the third time today you've put forward that motion.

Bin Laden: Well if my motion to keep infidels from voting would pass I'd have a majority and we could get down to blowing things up.

Liberal senator: I don't think infidels is a politically correct term. I think we should refer to them as belief-impaired.

Ayman Al Zawhari: [Yelling, with a rock in his hand] AND I THINK WE SHOULD STONE YOU!

Bin Laden: I second that!

Chairman: Oh for the love of God! There is no stoning allowed on the floor of the senate! Motion denied!

Ayman Al Zawhari: I had a second on that, we must vote!

Chairman: Fine, you crazy towel head. All in favor of allowing stonings on the senate floor say aye.

Bin Laden: Aye

Ayman Al Zawhari: Aye

Saddam Hussein: No stoning! We should electrocute them!

Chairman: Mr Hussein please keep your answer in the form of Aye or Nay.

Saddam: I do not have to listen to you! I can govern a country with an iron fist and write romance novels! You're just a yankee devil!

Bin Laden: Romance novels, like everything else, are dirty and sinful and forbidden. I move that we stone Saddam Hussein!

Chairman: He's on your side you idiot!

Ayman Al Zawhari: I second!

Chairman: Your motion to allow stoning hasn't even been fully voted on yet! I open the floor to debate on the stoning motion and we'll shelve the stoning Saddam motion until after our recess.

Ted Kennedy: Is drinking a stoning-worthy offense?

Bin Laden: Everything is!

Ted Kennedy: Then I say nay

Other senator: Well if he's against it maybe we should vote in favor.

Bin Laden: Haha yes! Soon this country will be just like Afghanistan. The only non-stonable offense will be cheating on your wife, being as women are property and all.

All other senators: Wait, cheating will be legal? AYE!

Chairman: [smacking his face] The ayes have it, stoning is now [sigh] legal on the senate floor...

Ayman Al Zawhari: I think you forgot to mention that the woman has to be fully clothed in five layers of fabric while they cheat on their wife or else they'll be stoned.

Bin Laden: I thought that just went without saying. Looking on any part of a woman's body without proper covering is a sin worthy of stoning, just like everything else.

All senators: D'OH!

Chairman: Now that that's out of the way is there any other business?

Saddam: I want to change the national anthem to a passage from my book, Zabibah and the king.

Chairman: Shut up.

Bin Laden: Baseball is filthy and evil. I think we need a more wholesome national sport.

Chairman: Ok, that's productive I guess. Howabout some suggestions.

Saddam: Writing romance novels!

Bin Laden: Stoning infidels!

Ayman Al Zawhari: Buzkashi!

Chairman: I'm afraid to ask but what is Buzkashi?

Ayman Al Zawhari: It's where a bunch of men on horseback try to kill eachother with swords to get posession of a dead goat.

Liberal senator: Is the goat humanely killed before the game?

Bin Laden: Oh heavens no! The game dosn't start out with a dead goat, it just ends up with one.

Chairman: That's illegal in so many ways it's not even funny. Let's move on we're due to discuss education next.

Bin Laden: I don't think enough is being done to train the children of this country to safely conduct suicide bombings.

Chairman: How in the hell does one safely conduct a suicide bombing? It is by nature a deadly and very unsafe practice!

Ayman Al Zawhari: Well... I guess if you keep a bucket of water nearby to put out the burning body parts...

Chairman: A bucket of water!? It would be blown up!

Bin Laden: Ok, howabout that motion to burn down the white house?

Ted Kennedy: Can we add in something about naked women and booze?

Bin Laden: In Afghanistan alcoholic beverages get hit with rocks. So do naked women.

Ted Kennedy: You hit beverages with rocks?? You merciless inhuman beardy bastard! [They grapple and begin to choke eachother on the senate floor]

Chairman: Stop that! Stop it now! No brawling in the senate damn it!

Bin Laden: Stone the infidels [Groaning as Ted Kennedy tugs on his beard] get the non-believer off me!

Senator: Everyone's an infidel you moron you don't have enough rocks for all of us!

Ted Kennedy: [Pushing Bin Laden's turban over his eyes] I motion that we stone anyone who would break a bottle of fine whisky!

Chairman: Sit down Mr. Kennedy! [Some guards finally drag the two back to their seats] Now. I'm going to open the floor to new business and it will NOT involve stoning, blowing up or setting fire to anyone or anything.

Saddam Hussein: We can talk about my book!

Bin Laden: Your book is for infidels!

Ayman Al Zawhari: I wish I had your book right now so I could beat it like a woman!

Saddam Hussein: I move that I be given five minutes in a room with Mr. Zawhari, an electrical generator, a bunch of wiring and some vaseline.

Chairman: I'm not even going to gratify that with a response. Is there anything actually pertaining to the government of this country we can discuss? [Bin Laden starts to say something] Anything pertaining to the government of this country but not blowing it up? [Bin Laden goes silent]

Saddam: I really like to write romance novels! OWWWCH! [A rock hits him in the face, followed by two more from Bin Laden and Al Zawhari]

Chairman: I give up, let's take a four day recess, someone make up a holiday or something.

Bin Laden: It is a holiday! It's stone-the-infidels day! [Continues slinging chunks of stone at Saddam gleefully]

Chairman: Whatever, in honor of stone the infidels day let's all get out of here before anyone gets blown up.

Ayman Al Zawhari: But you have to stay the bomb won't detonate for another ten minutes.

Other senator: I believe we got into an argument over the budget for your proposed blow up the senate ammendment and it was never ratified.

Ayman Al Zawhari: [tossing another rock at the unconsious Saddam] Alright then can we vote on it now?

Chairman: Alright fine! All those in favor of letting Mr. Zawhari blow us all up raise your hands. [Bin Laden and Al Zawhari raise their hands and pull up the stone battered arm of the unconsious Saddam Hussein] Votes from those who have been stoned unconsious don't count. That's two in favor. I'll open the floor to debate now.

Other Senator: I'm prepared to vote in favor of the blowing us all up proposition if it includes funding for a missile defense program.

Ted Kennedy: What about funding for fine Kebtucky bourbon?

Bin Laden: Alcohol is evil! Stone him! Stone him!

Ayman Al Zawhari: We're out of stones. I move that funding be set aside in an amendment to the blow us all up proposition so we can buy more stones to stone people.

[Nine minutes pass]

Chairman: Ok so now are we finally settled on passing the blow us all up proposition with the included ammendments that we buy rocks to throw at Mr. Kennedy and fund a missile defense program and start welfare reform to balance the budget by two thousand twenty?

Other senator: I think it should be two thousand nineteen.

[They all explode]

Join us next week for another episode in the life of the house sub-comittee of terrorism. Here's a clip.

Bin Laden: Well I suppose I have to concede defeat. It seems I lost my senate seat. I guess my biggest mistake was my promise to stone the infidels. I just had no idea that a hundred percent of the voting public are infidels by my standards. I guess I should have played more to the infidel demographic. Like maybe had an infidel outreach program for my campaign or stopped by some churches to talk to filthy non believers before blowing them up. Or gone to a women's rights rally to speak... and throw stones at everyone there. It looks like it's back to my cave for me! Oh wait... I blew up my cave because it wasn't wearing enough clothes...crud. Ah well I'll just blame the infidels and beat my wife.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 28 September 2004 - 07:49 PM

Quote

I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
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#2 User is offline   civilian_number_two Icon

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Posted 28 September 2004 - 07:59 PM

I am stunned.
"I had a lot of different ideas. At one point, Luke, Leia and Ben were all going to be little people, and we did screen tests to see if we could do that." -George Lucas, in STAR WARS: the Annotated Screenplays (p197).
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#3 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 28 September 2004 - 08:00 PM

And look for a special election day episode wherein George Bush takes on his toughest opponents in a heated debate. here's a clip.

George Bush: [glaring at Bin Laden] Dick Cheney told me you're evil!

Bin Laden: [ready to stone him] God told me you're evil!

George Bush: Haha sucker Cheney is God!

Bin Laden: Yes well than why is it that I can blow up more people than he can?

George Bush: You can't! We've killed at least ten times more people than you in all the bombings we've comitted.

John Kerry: I'm going to wait to respond to that until I get the numbers back from the recent polls. I don't think I'm necessarily in favor of your statement though, but I could be. You have a good point. But so does Bin Laden. I'm really not sure which way to go on this. But I think that, knowing what we know now, it might possibly be accurate to say that we're more efficient killers than Mr. Bin Laden.

Bin Laden: You are right. I am nothing but a second rate terrorist.

Ayman Al Zawhari: Oh cheer up Osama you're still way better than Saddam

Saddam: I hate you Bush. I hate you because your father kicked my ass.

George Bush: My daddy was president once.

Quote

I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
0

#4 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 29 September 2004 - 12:41 AM

Civilian- Stunned in a good way or stunned in a bad way?

Quote

I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
0

#5 User is offline   barend Icon

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Posted 29 September 2004 - 02:28 AM

that was fun...

QUOTE
What could we do to appease them?


i think die, is what they want you all to do... but i may have misunderstood....
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#6 User is offline   Chyld Icon

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Posted 29 September 2004 - 09:14 AM

Sounds about right.
When you lose your calm, you feed your anger.

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#7 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 29 September 2004 - 10:58 AM

How long have you been holding out on us? I loved it.
The Green Knight, SimeSublime the Puffinesque, liker of chips and hunter of gnomes.
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#8 User is offline   J m HofMarN Icon

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Posted 29 September 2004 - 05:43 PM

Actually I made that before L&E stopped taking guest articles so it's been a good while. I had one review of an energy drink but Chefelf has that. If I could get it back (preferably by hiring Techno-Ninjas to break into his appartment and get it off his computer and then repel back up through the ceiling on ropes) then I'd post that too.

PS, Chefelf, if any Techno ceiling repelling ninjas should show up at your place it has -noting- to do with me. You can keep any shuriken they leave though.

Quote

I don't know about you but I have never advocated that homosexuals, for any reason, be cut out of their mother's womb and thrown into a bin.
- Deucaon toes a hard line on gay fetus rights.
0

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