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ASK BAREND... the Bad Advice collumn

#31 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 02 July 2004 - 06:03 AM

Dear Barend,

Why are you so great?

-Searching
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#32 User is offline   barend Icon

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Posted 02 July 2004 - 09:36 AM

dear -Searching,

well it's hard to say i could come up with a list, but i think the honest truth is because i'm the kind of person whos company fits right in between the two much loved hobbies:
-starring at the sun
and
-playing in traffic

smile.gif

the "so great"
barend
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#33 User is offline   Ninja Duck Icon

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Posted 03 July 2004 - 10:16 AM

Mr. Barend,

I'm not gay, but with all the gay marriage going around, I'm feeling left out. Everybody's doing it. Suddenly you're not "cool" if you're not gaily married. I was thinking I might try gay marriage, just to see if I'd like it, but I'm not sure. Is it okay to experiment with gay marriage?

--Hopeful
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#34 User is offline   Chyld Icon

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Posted 03 July 2004 - 03:21 PM

Dear Barend.

My prom was last nite. My date was all nice to me when I got there, but an hour in, she started avoding me, pulled a good friend of mine, then wondered why I refuesd to even look at her for the rest of the night.

What is the best sort of knife to use if I want to:
-Flay the skin from her face to make a hankerchief
-Tear her beating heart from her chest and shove it down her throat
-Anything else cool you can think of?

Yours in a murderous state of mind
BloodLusdt
When you lose your calm, you feed your anger.

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#35 User is offline   barend Icon

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Posted 04 July 2004 - 10:35 PM

dear hopfull,

the institute of marrige is a sacred and holy sanctuary of love. do not enter it lighlty unless the guy is rich, and make sure you get half when you leave him. plus you don't want your friends to think you don't fit in, by not having someone fit in you!

set a date and except my gift of edible pilowcases.

your homophobicphobic friend
Barend
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

dear BloodLusdt ,

when you say "pulled" a friend of yours...
does that mean what i think it does?

i will answer the question when that has been elaborated on...

as for knifs usage:
QUOTE
-Flay the skin from her face to make a hankerchief

somethin thin and flexible (maybe a skillet knife) - note: faces make better wallets.
QUOTE
-Tear her beating heart from her chest and shove it down her throat
something with a sharp and curved point, and a thick heavy blade. remeber to put your thumb on the hilt, or you could slip and cut your fingers if you hit the sternum. also the heart is about the size of a fist, so you might want to bring a serated knife or cleaver to cut it up into small peices before trying to fit it in her mouth. you don't want to dislocate the poor girls jaw while feeding her, her own heart!
-that would not be gentle man like.
QUOTE
-Anything else cool you can think of?

calling her a 'skank biscuit' in public might me good too...
tell her that her ankles are fat aswell...

your Disective expert
Barend
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#36 User is offline   Despondent Icon

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Posted 04 July 2004 - 11:09 PM

Dear Barend,

You've mentioned you like to stare at the sun. I've often wondered if everyone on earth said: let's combine our powers and stare at the sun nonstop to overcome its evil power over us, (halved by light and dark side dwellers naturally; and at endless readiness,) wouldn't we all be turned into blind idiots? or is this just part of your master plan? wink.gif

(fortunate that all, mostly that is, wish to emulate your actions.)

thanks,

Distant Sam
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#37 User is offline   barend Icon

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Posted 05 July 2004 - 09:55 PM

Dear Distant Sam,

I myself do rarley stare at the sun... I would prefer that more people do it and become blind as it would give an unfair advantage over my enemies... (namley the world). If everyone stared at the sun, there is a very good chance that it would soak up all its photons, leaving it diminished in power... leaving it open to an invasion force. Then the good people of Earth could conquor it's population and smite it's stronghold over us. then we could begin to populate the sun, every man woman and child...

meanwhile I'll sacrifce my place on one of the rocketships, to act as a caretaker and keep an eye on things here at earth... don't worry about me I'll be fine... and i can watch your progress through cameras installed in each vessle to the sun.

just leave me with 10 or 12 really expensive prostitutes/strippers and the world treasury and all will be looked after.

to the future people of the sun, Huzah!!!

your, good friend and selfless buddy,
Barend.
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#38 User is offline   Chyld Icon

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Posted 09 July 2004 - 08:28 AM

QUOTE (barend @ Jul 5 2004, 04:35 AM)
dear BloodLusdt ,

when you say "pulled" a friend of yours...
does that mean what i think it does?

i will answer the question when that has been elaborated on...

As in, tounges playing with each other like warring slugs on speed. Some would say "Frenching". In this case, this would demean the French.
When you lose your calm, you feed your anger.

Less Is More v4
Now resigned to a readership of me, my cat and some fish
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#39 User is offline   barend Icon

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Posted 09 July 2004 - 10:54 AM

well she sounds like a skanky whore!!!

(not as skanky as i thought, but skanky enough!)

the bitch must go down, and not in the way she probably did for your friend!

I recomend firstly telling all your friends you screwed her, but that she was really crap and you had to fake every orgasm!

also put her number up on every mens room wall you can find and forward it to any prison buddies you might have so they can post it on the inside!!!

or alternativley you can be real nice to her, and get yourself put down as a personal reference on her resume... and tell all her future employers that she is a backstabbing ho, who aint worth the flesh she's printed on!

your bitch-hating-brother
Barend
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#40 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 09 July 2004 - 10:57 AM

Dear Barend,
I want to ask you a question, but I can't think of anything. What should I do?
-Lost
The Green Knight, SimeSublime the Puffinesque, liker of chips and hunter of gnomes.
JM's official press secretary, scientific advisor, diplomat and apparent antagonist?
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#41 User is offline   barend Icon

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Posted 09 July 2004 - 11:05 AM

dear lost,

think of something!

your helpfull friend
barend
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#42 User is offline   looktothesky Icon

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Posted 09 July 2004 - 04:13 PM

Dear Barend,
I'm all out of clean underwear. What do I do?

-Helpless with Crusty Panties

This post has been edited by looktothesky: 09 July 2004 - 04:13 PM

PRECIOUS VELIUS....
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#43 User is offline   barend Icon

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Posted 09 July 2004 - 09:44 PM

dear Helpless with Crusty Panties,

your have three options...
  • turn them inside out! it's as good as wearing clean ones.
  • sell the dirty ones on the internet fo $100 a pop ($500 for "soiled" ones)!!!
  • (recomended) wear none, and walk over a lot of air vents! smile.gif

your mirror-shoed depraved buddy
Barend
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#44 User is offline   Jane Sherwood Icon

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Posted 09 July 2004 - 09:48 PM

Dear Barend,

A bug's flown up my nose and I can't get it out! I think it bit me, too! Help!


Mosquito Plagued

This post has been edited by Jane Sherwood: 09 July 2004 - 10:25 PM

Check out my crappy drawings!

Chyld is an ignorant slut.

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#45 User is offline   Chyld Icon

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Posted 10 July 2004 - 01:51 PM

QUOTE (Jane Sherwood @ Jul 10 2004, 03:48 AM)
A bug's flown up my nose and I can't get it out! I think it bit me, too! Help!

Bit up the nose?

Ouch...
When you lose your calm, you feed your anger.

Less Is More v4
Now resigned to a readership of me, my cat and some fish
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