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ASK BAREND... the Bad Advice collumn

#16 Guest_abuser_*

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Posted 29 June 2004 - 07:35 PM

Dear Barend,

do you column as you see them?

Uncertain
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#17 User is offline   Jordan Icon

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Posted 29 June 2004 - 07:52 PM

QUOTE
Dear Barend,

You misspelled "column".


Signed,
Nitpicker 



ROFL

This post has been edited by Jordan: 29 June 2004 - 07:54 PM

Oh SMEG. What the smeggity smegs has smeggins done? He smeggin killed me. - Lister of Smeg, space bum
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#18 User is offline   Jordan Icon

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Posted 29 June 2004 - 07:53 PM

Dear Barend

I suffer from demons in my mind, I see dead people

Yours Truely

Guy who will eventually shoot you dead in your own bathroom.
Oh SMEG. What the smeggity smegs has smeggins done? He smeggin killed me. - Lister of Smeg, space bum
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#19 User is offline   barend Icon

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Posted 29 June 2004 - 09:57 PM

dear stubly,

try waxing. or if this posses some social problem for you maybe move the razor from side to side, or alternativley you could try rubbing some sort of pesticide around your mouth and chin, hopefully negating the need to shave.

your friend D


...i mean B
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Nitpicker,

you suck.
The best way to deal with this is to not suck.

I think I'll let Sigmond Freud handle this one:
to be so focused on such a small infringement (in particular the over abundance of a lowercase L - which can be directly linked to Phaluuphobia)is probably the result of an unresloved attraction to members of the same gender leading to overcompensation.
and er... your ankles are fat!!!


your comfortable-enough-with-his-own-sexuality-to-spell-things-however-he-wants counsel
Barend.
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#20 User is offline   barend Icon

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Posted 29 June 2004 - 10:03 PM

dear uncertain,

I uncertainly do!

your Rinse-cyle then Spindoctor
Barend.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

dear Guy who will eventually shoot you dead in your own bathroom,

you see dead people? have you told...
the others.

your "i need serious problems to which to give Ill advice" Necromantic
Barend!
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#21 User is offline   Amber-Nicole Icon

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Post icon  Posted 30 June 2004 - 03:55 PM

Dear Barend,

Today I made a house call to work on a lady's computer. She had an adorable siamese kitten, and a bratty little child, aged at about 4. The young child was harassing the poor kitten, yanking on it's tail and such, so they kitten hissed and scratched her. The mother freaked out and started yelling at the little kitten, and said she was going to have it put to sleep for "hurting her baby!" She then hit the kitten. An innocent little kitten! So I swiped it on my way out. I gave it to my grandma. wub.gif But my question is, should I feel guilty?


Wonderingly yours,
Crazy Cat Lady
"And there's not a bloody thing the king of Sweden can do about it!" -Ninja Duck (Hey, somebody had to use it. ~_^)

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#22 User is offline   jyd Icon

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Posted 30 June 2004 - 05:24 PM

omg that fucking rules, you probably couldve asked nicely and gotten it im sure the woman being a woman will always have a problem putting an animal to sleep,but lets see what barend has to say about asking nicely
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#23 User is offline   Jane Sherwood Icon

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Posted 30 June 2004 - 06:16 PM

Hooray for Crazy Cat Lady! laugh.gif
Check out my crappy drawings!

Chyld is an ignorant slut.

QUOTE
"I don't have to conform to the vagaries of time and space; I'm a loony, for God's sake!"
- Campbell Bean (David Tennant), Takin' Over the Asylum, 1994
XD
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#24 User is offline   barend Icon

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Posted 30 June 2004 - 09:57 PM

dear crazy cat lady,

I am surprised by your assertivness... however, cats are noble and proud beings, but sometimes they need a little push. Remember, cats always land on their feet. which is why it is customery to help cats defend themselves by throwing them at the face of the person threatening them...

After that steal what you like!

The woman is obviously incapable of taking care of a child as well, People like that just let their kids run around free, untill the kid inevitably hurts themself, and the irresponsible parent tries to overcompensate by attacking the nearest person they can blame.
this kid will grow up to be a horrible person, thinking that they own the goddamned universe... Another solipsistic Sociaopathic moron to avoid on the street!!!

so my advise?

next time your there to fix her computer, steal the kid as well, and give it to your grandma... she'll be so happy with the two living gifts, that she'll bake you so many bloody cookies you won't be able to walk!!!

your cavorting catnapping cohort
Barend.

PS. good work
------------------------------------------------------------------------
DISCLAIMER: Barends Collumn (yes, with two Ls)...
in no way endorses or encourages the COOL crime of stealing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
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#25 User is offline   Heccubus Icon

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Posted 30 June 2004 - 11:25 PM

I think you did a very noble thing, AN. At least the cat has a good home now.

Er....carry on.
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#26 User is offline   Amber-Nicole Icon

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Post icon  Posted 01 July 2004 - 08:48 AM

My grandma doesn't bake cookies. She does play video games though. smile.gif I checked on the kitten this morning, and she seems to be much happier. I don't think my grandma would appreciate it if I brought another child over there. She usually gets stuck babysitting alot already as it is. My uncle is going through a divorce, and she's been taking care of his two little girls alot for him while things get sorted out. They are much more gentle with the kitty.
"And there's not a bloody thing the king of Sweden can do about it!" -Ninja Duck (Hey, somebody had to use it. ~_^)

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#27 User is offline   Amber-Nicole Icon

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Post icon  Posted 01 July 2004 - 09:19 AM

P.S. (Had to get offline because my boss showed up. wink.gif )

I'm not the only kitty thief around. One of the little girls who my grandma is watching was at a sleepover, and my grandpa went and picked her up. When they got back to my grandma's house, she went inside and pulled a little grey kitten out of her jacket, and exlaimed, "Look gramma! I have a new kitten!" Heh, that one will be returned to her friend's house. rolleyes.gif
"And there's not a bloody thing the king of Sweden can do about it!" -Ninja Duck (Hey, somebody had to use it. ~_^)

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#28 User is offline   Ninja Duck Icon

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Posted 01 July 2004 - 12:50 PM

Sirs:

You will find this letter devoid of questions, as I cannot bring myself to ask a question to a commoner such as yourself.

Love,

Nervous

Nervous
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#29 User is offline   barend Icon

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Posted 01 July 2004 - 08:21 PM

dear Nervous,

your main problem is adressing someone much bigger than you and proficient in Kung-Fu, as a commoner.

As I am on the other side of the world, my advise is:
find someone on the street or in a bar who fits a similar description, and get them to beat you up in my stead. this will also help become less nervous, as dealing with strangers is a good way of confronting that fear.

your classier-than-you pal
Barend.

PS. ask him to stop after he draws blood.
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#30 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 02 July 2004 - 06:02 AM

QUOTE (barend @ Jul 1 2004, 10:57 AM)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
DISCLAIMER: Barends Collumn (yes, with two Ls)...
in no way endorses or encourages the COOL crime of stealing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

If only you had your old Bender avatar, it would all fit into place. But then again, your new one is equally high on the coolometer.
The Green Knight, SimeSublime the Puffinesque, liker of chips and hunter of gnomes.
JM's official press secretary, scientific advisor, diplomat and apparent antagonist?
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