[barend]

I've decided to offer my services to you all in the feild of really, really, bad advice... like a Dear Abby who really doesn't like you.

tell me what your problem is,
and i'll give you the tools you need to make a bigger mess of things... :angry:

don't forget to sign it: 'confused', 'scared', 'upset', 'attracted to my dog', etc.

okay nightlife i'm listening...

[Heccubus]

Dear Barend
For a couple of weeks now, I've had my eye on a lovely lass that I work with. The problem I have is that I'm a complete git when it comes to dealing with the ladies. Please help, or at least provide me with some entertaining quips.
Signed,
Blubbering Ninny

[barend]

dear blubbering ninny,
may i recomend getting really drunk before talking to her next. This will wash away any nervousness and shyness that may be hindering you. It will also disintermediate your inhibittions, and allow you to be more honest. Also, try impressing her with some stories of previous conquests, talking about your sexual exploits will surley put her in the mood for some blubbering ninny action!!! GRRRRRRRR...

Also, another plus is if you outrank her at work, in which case it might be an idea to subtley suggest that her job is in danger, and that sleeping with a superior might secure her seat a little more...

aside from that, all i can recomend is that you be loud and obnoxious around her... more so then the other men... this will make you the Alpha male in her eyes, and a prize worth winning...

good luck,
your Negligent friend Barend.

[Chyld]

...sadly, that might work in this screwed-up day and age.

Dear Barend the Quoted-in-my-sig

My biggest problem for now, that doesn't totally mirror Heccubus', is that no one seems inclined to forget the one time I threw up at the pub. All over the pub bathroom. Last week. How do I silence them with the minimum of wasted blood? A little baby might appreciate it...

Yours generealy slaughteredly,
General Slaughteredness

This post has been edited by Chyld: 28 June 2004 - 01:42 PM

[barend]

dear General Slaughteredness,
that is a dilly of a pickle! so called 'friends' can be very unforgiving of such moments...

there are three courses of action you can take...
1- become the kind of friend that people can trust with their emotions and darkest secrets. always be there for them... then the next time some one brings up your little incident in public, unleash one of their dirty little secrets into the mix... and see what everyone thinks... that should draw some attention awayy!!!

2- ditch your friends for a new group.

3- do something bigger and better to be known for. suggestions include:
- vomit ON one of THEM!
- sleep with a friends girlfriend/wife
- rob a convinience store
- take up streeking
- start dating a 12 year old, or 80 year old
- take a dump on a pool table

I hope this has helped, sinking lower is the best way to get away from a low point!


your chaotically Neutral friend
Barend the Quoted-in-your-sig

[barend]

Dear cross-eyed and confuddled,

To fix your eyes you will probably need corective eye surgery, however I recomend sitting really close to the television for the next 57 hours...
that should sort that prioblem out. as for cranial clomping friend, may i recomend that you wait One year to the day, and sneak up behind him and kick him square in the nuts...

and when he inevitably says: what was that for? - pull that face again!!!

however if was a girl, then you should probably just tell her her ankles are fat. It's easy, It's fun, and It'll give her an eating disorder!

Your Beligerent God of vengence,
Barend.

[Heccubus]

Dear Barend
Remember how your mom told you to stop making those faces, or they'd stick? Well they weren't lying. What should I do? It's scaring the children.
Face

[barend]

Dear face,

ah, a simple one.

The wind must have changed direction while you were pulling said face.
Sporadic Hyperobtusities in thermodynamics can have a 'petrifying' effect on ones patricial facade if the the facial muscles are exerted in anyway. the best remedy for such an occurence is some home-made BOTOX.

simple gather the following ingredients:
-Paint Thinner
-the spongy bit from a magic marker (preferably NOT a Xylene free one)
-Hopsital grade floor cleaner
-bleach
-Draino (dilute in Boiling Amonia before adding)

add ingredients in equal proportions and stir with spongy texter bit.
secure a syringe and inject face in problem areas.

that should having looking quite apathetic in no time.

your exp​ressionless friend,
Barend.

[Reader]

and when he inevitably says: what was that for? - pull that face again!!!

Sorry to veer off topic, but i must declare: That's comedy.

[Reader]

Dear Barend

I have a major phobia about accepting advice from people, but i have this a HUGE problem that i couldn't possibly find a solution to/for. What in God's name do i do?

Acceptaphobic?

[barend]

dear Acceptaphobic,

if you have problems taking advice from people, then i recomend that you stop asking for it...

flip a coin.

or if it's more complicated write a list then put a D20 in a pop-a-matic bubble, GO RANDOM!!!!!!!!!!

or simply do nothing

your indiferent friend
Barend

[jyd]

Dear B:

i have trouble shaving the side of my chin, HELP!!!

-stubbly

This post has been edited by jyd: 29 June 2004 - 04:52 PM

[Chefelf]

don't forget to sign it: 'confused', 'scared', 'upset', 'attracted to my dog', etc.

It is good that you are allowing people to post their questions anonymously.

[Jane Sherwood]

Dear Barend,

You misspelled "column".


Signed,
Nitpicker