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ASK BAREND... the Bad Advice collumn

#391 User is offline   Frank the Rabbit Icon

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Posted 03 April 2007 - 10:08 PM

Dear Barend...

Cuanto tiempo hace que comi los bebes?
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#392 User is offline   barend Icon

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Posted 03 April 2007 - 11:08 PM

¿qué?

¿el fuego es la bebida en la cual los comunistas se queman?
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#393 User is offline   Mnesymone Icon

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Posted 04 April 2007 - 12:26 AM

Dear Barend...

1) How the hell is this place still standing?
2) When is your channel 31 show coming to Brisbane again?
3) Are you aware that people suck?
4) When are you going to reach 21337?
5) When are you going to stop?
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#394 User is offline   barend Icon

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Posted 04 April 2007 - 10:26 PM

QUOTE (Mnesymone @ Apr 4 2007, 12:26 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Dear Barend...

1) How the hell is this place still standing?
2) When is your channel 31 show coming to Brisbane again?
3) Are you aware that people suck?
4) When are you going to reach 21337?
5) When are you going to stop?


dear video goer...

1) concrete pilars reinforced with british steel and american bubble gum
2) last time i checked there were a seperate crew for brisbane so check your guide. we're on TVS (which replaced 31 in sydney and it's on friday nights at 8:30pm (or maybe 7:30pm) and only goes for 30 minutes now.
3) Aware? I preach it from mountain tops an doccasionally beat the living suck out of people at every opportunity.
4) eventually
5) when i reach 21337

(go to hear from you too)
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#395 User is offline   Mirithorn Icon

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Posted 04 April 2007 - 10:41 PM

Dear Barend:
What is the most efficient way to cram lots of knowledge into your brain at the last minute?
"YOU'RE MISSING A PERIOD. YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY, DON'T YOU? YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY THAT YOU FUCK WITH GRAMMAR? WELL, FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR MISSING PERIOD! I HOPE IT MEANS YOUR SLUTTY, NON-PUNCTUATED WAYS HAVE GOTTEN YOU TEEN-PREGNANT!"

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#396 User is offline   barend Icon

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Posted 05 April 2007 - 12:11 AM

QUOTE (Mirithorn @ Apr 4 2007, 10:41 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Dear Barend:
What is the most efficient way to cram lots of knowledge into your brain at the last minute?


the absolute quickest way is with a USB memory stick and a drill.

the other option is to write it on your legs where your skirt would normally cover. no teacher's going to want get caught staring at a teenagers legs in a hall full of other teachers and kids.

making a song about it like ralph or the other dude with black hair did in happy days is another option. but totally gay.

write on your legs and hike your skirt when you need to... wink.gif
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#397 User is offline   Otal Nimrodi Icon

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Posted 05 April 2007 - 09:52 AM

Dear Barend

The duel didn't go so well. I was planning on firing at seven, but the bastard fired at THREE!

Now I'm dying. What do you recommend?

-Dying in Death Valley
Want a Tarot reading?

PM me, we'll talk.
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#398 User is offline   Emu Icon

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Posted 05 April 2007 - 12:59 PM

QUOTE (barend)
write on your legs and hike your skirt when you need to...

yeah, you would think that even if a teacher did see the writing he wouldn't want to admit it, but, surprisingly, I have heard of people getting caught doing that.

these teachers, have they no shame?!
Head Gunner for the Royal Sloop Crimson Steel, Queen of the Dead, Instigator of Chaos and Confusion, Knight of the Grand Recursive Order of the Lambda Calculus, and also The Non.

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#399 User is offline   Mirithorn Icon

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Posted 05 April 2007 - 05:16 PM

Unfortunately, I own exactly one skirt, which I never wear, so I feel that it may have aroused undue suspicion. However, I managed to prepare moderately well for my Latin test (got something B-ish, I think) and superbly, ridiculously, awesomely well for my chemistry test, which I may have passed, if I'm lucky.

It's funny how relative things are.
"YOU'RE MISSING A PERIOD. YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY, DON'T YOU? YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY THAT YOU FUCK WITH GRAMMAR? WELL, FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR MISSING PERIOD! I HOPE IT MEANS YOUR SLUTTY, NON-PUNCTUATED WAYS HAVE GOTTEN YOU TEEN-PREGNANT!"

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#400 User is offline   SimeSublime Icon

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Posted 07 April 2007 - 11:03 AM

Dear Overlord,

Where am I?

-Me
The Green Knight, SimeSublime the Puffinesque, liker of chips and hunter of gnomes.
JM's official press secretary, scientific advisor, diplomat and apparent antagonist?
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#401 User is offline   barend Icon

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Posted 09 April 2007 - 09:04 PM

QUOTE (Otal Nimrodi @ Apr 5 2007, 09:52 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Dear Barend

The duel didn't go so well. I was planning on firing at seven, but the bastard fired at THREE!

Now I'm dying. What do you recommend?

-Dying in Death Valley


hmmm... 3 you say? HE must have a very cunning mentor indeed.

dying you say?

er... salt tablet?

well, when dying from a bullet in the back you should probably lay on your stomach, just to avoid needless additional discomfort.

QUOTE (Emu @ Apr 5 2007, 12:59 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
yeah, you would think that even if a teacher did see the writing he wouldn't want to admit it, but, surprisingly, I have heard of people getting caught doing that.

these teachers, have they no shame?!


no they don't. And if i were one, i'd hold inspections and make all the girls in the graduating year sit thier finals in the nude.

and set up a webcam.

QUOTE (Mirithorn @ Apr 5 2007, 05:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Unfortunately, I own exactly one skirt, which I never wear, so I feel that it may have aroused undue suspicion. However, I managed to prepare moderately well for my Latin test (got something B-ish, I think) and superbly, ridiculously, awesomely well for my chemistry test, which I may have passed, if I'm lucky.

It's funny how relative things are.


preperation is for geeks. cool girls lift their skirts.

QUOTE (SimeSublime @ Apr 7 2007, 11:03 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Dear Overlord,

Where am I?

-Me


dear you,

The wrong end of the continent. Fill your ipod with Gary Numan and start walking east.
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#402 User is offline   Otal Nimrodi Icon

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Posted 09 April 2007 - 09:07 PM

Dear Barend

Do you know the name of this person's cunning mentor so I may track him down and slay him?

-Vengeful in the Valley
Want a Tarot reading?

PM me, we'll talk.
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#403 User is offline   Cobnat Icon

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Posted 09 April 2007 - 10:40 PM

Oh Grand Leader, leader of all things leaderly, being 17 now and an Australian citizen, what are my rights and what is expected of me in society?
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#404 User is offline   barend Icon

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Posted 09 April 2007 - 11:05 PM

QUOTE (Otal Nimrodi @ Apr 9 2007, 09:07 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Dear Barend

Do you know the name of this person's cunning mentor so I may track him down and slay him?

-Vengeful in the Valley


dearly near departed Vengeful in the Valley,

I'll look into it.

in the meantime, i suggest you stick a gun in your belly and blow that lodged bullet out the way it came. that should fix you.

QUOTE (Cobnat @ Apr 9 2007, 10:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Oh Grand Leader, leader of all things leaderly, being 17 now and an Australian citizen, what are my rights and what is expected of me in society?


you have a year before you may start to drink of the amber fluid.

start practicing so you don't get overwhelmed by it when it's time to drink infront of others.
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#405 User is offline   Egfu Icon

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Posted 10 April 2007 - 03:22 AM

Dear barend,

I did as you advised, won the duel and left my opponent to die. And since I figured he wouldn't be home any time soon, I broke into his house and stole all of his worldly possessions. So I was wondering, do you know of any good fences I could contact?

Yours,
Friendly Neighborhood Gentleman Thief (No, seriously!)
"When I was five, my uncle was decapitated by a watermelon."
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