I'm sick of sneezing. Don't get me wrong, I love to let out a nice sneeze here and there if necessary, I just can't stand the pressure placed upon us all by the whole act. Let's quickly get this over with by going through some of the pressures that have been building up in me all summer.

The Aborted Sneeze

The other day I was at the barber shop (the one at the bus station, I love the stylist there) when, all of a sudden, I felt a sneeze coming on. I quickly pulled away from the barber's sharp scissors for a second, startling the hell out of him, before the sneeze was aborted. Then, given the fact that we speak two different languages (he speaks some sort of primitive bus station dialect that I can't quite pick out) I had to raise my finger to my nose like some sort of cartoon character.

The Sneeze Jokesters

Then there are those jerks you meet (usually they are only acquaintances at best, more often just strangers) who will 'bless' you after one sneeze, then again after a second and then after the third say, "Okay, no more for you!" The 'joke' is not always the same but the 'laughs' are. Usually since this person is a stranger you feel obliged to at least give them a courtesy chuckle.

The Sneeze Thespians

The worst is the people who milk their sneezes for all they're worth with a grand, "AHHH... AHHHH... AHHHHHHH... CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" These people, again usually strangers in public, are the worst kind of people. If you are at home among family and friends then do what you must. The people in public (most usually, in my case, on the subway) who feel the need to make a giant presentation about a simple sneeze are just annoying. They flail their body around and take giant breaths of air beforehand. They usually conclude the whole production with an exaggerated sigh of relief, "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" Get over yourself. No one cares about your sneezes. Or you.

The Protocol Dilemma

Then there is the whole personal choice you have to make when some sneezes. Do you say: "God bless you?" I feel goofy doing that given the fact that I'm not religious and I also don't subscribe to the belief that the soul leaves the body when you sneeze. There's, "Bless you," which is what I normally opt to say even though the 'God' is more or less implied. Then there's 'Gesundheit' which I will also use about forty percent of the time but I always feel odd saying it since I'm not German. Since 'Gesundheit' is merely a wish for good health it usually feels the most appropriate. A friend of mine told me a story about how she offered a 'Gesundheit' to a co-worker who had just sneezed in the cubicle or desk beside her. The co-worker actually had the audacity to say, "You know, I'd prefer to be blessed."

The worst thing a human being can do in the event of a sneeze taking place is to say nothing at all. This is why the dilemma previously mentioned is of little consequence in the long run. Not acknowledging a sneeze, to me, is impossible. I can't even fathom how some people can do it. The same way I can't understand how a human being can just toss garbage on the ground when they're done with it, I can't even begin to understand how you can hear someone sneeze and say nothing. It fascinates me. Even knowing that the whole situation is just ludicrous, it's mind-boggling to me to comprehend how someone can just ignore the whole thing.

Even if that is what makes the most sense.

Predictably: I hear people do that all the time on the street and buses. Most sneeze and don't say anything to the person next to them. If I am about to sneeze I walk away to a quiet space or I say "pardon me" or "sorry about that" after.

I know this might sound a bit strange but what sneeze would you call pulling hairs out of the nose with pliers or shoving tissue up it?

yeah, it's funny how we say things when people sneeze, but not when they cough, or hiccough, or any number of other random things.

deepsycher - pliers? why???

Pliers are the next closest thing I have to tweezers. Just to pull out an annoying tickly hair that kept on growing in the same space which made me sneeze for minutes.

I hate people that say "Bless you" after you sneeze, and then become angry when you don't thank them for it.

I'm all for doing away the whole "Bless you" nonsense all together. It all spawned from some ridiculous superstition from the Dark Ages, can we just abandon it already? It's your body trying to clear away an irritant in your sinuses, not Satan casting an evil spell up your nose.

Sorry, but a sneeze doesn't make me feel concerned for your well being. Now, if you sneezed out some really chunky blood, then I'd say something. But it would have to be really chunky.

I'm interested in this bus station dialect. How does it work?

As for sneezes, I don't say anything. I think I used to when I was younger, but I don't usually bother. Doesn't seem to be a point. When I sneeze and somebody says bless you, I actually get caught off guard and sort of stammer out a thank you as an afterthought.

I not only don't react at all when someone else sneezes, I don't thank them when they bless me. I don't react at all. I don't understand why we are supposed to act like sneezing is some holy event, while we're angry when a person farts. They're both simple physical acts, and yes, they're both avoidable. In fact, from now on, when someone sneezes I'm going to say "Go to the bathroom!" and when they fart I will say "Bless You."

My brother's almost nine years old and he only learned a couple of weeks ago that it's actually "Bless you" or "God bless you" and not "bleshoo." He said he never understood why you were supposed to say that to people, he just heard everyone else say it and so it became habit, like how people always tell everyone to say "cheese" to the camera. There's no real reason for it other than that's what people have always done. And around here, that's pretty much what gets said: Bleshoo. Drives me up a wall. People could at least enunciate.

When having a conversation with someone who sneezes, especially if they're a multiple sneezer, I just say "You ok?" then move on with the conversation.

I also do what DS does, just turn my head away and apologize/'excuse me'.

I rather like "Gesundheit", what with me being a Kraut. It's very polite. Quite easy to pronounce for me, but I can understand that some people don't like it for historical reasons. And maybe because they're having problems with it's pronounciation. And maybe because they're twats. Anyways.

I also do what Dee & Kirby do, even though the "new and improved code of behaviour" here is more and more trying to tell you that you should feel as guilty as a serial killer for sneezing. Then you should apologize and hope that everyone in the room shows mercy and forgives you without saying anything else. Showing mercy is not encouraged by "new and improved code of behaviour", by the way.

You sneeze, say "excuse me" whilst building your gallows and nobody says "Gesundheit". Boody impolite, if you ask me. It all sounds a little bit too hypocritical.

"Yo there I am a convicted criminal and arsonist, I beg forgiveness. Can you bless me to the lord?"
"No! Certainly not!"
Sneeze
"Bless you!"

Could this happen?

Hehehe. I'll bet it could!

I usually say either "salud" or "salve", the Spanish and Latin equivalents of "good health" respectively.

Hm... I remember that during year 9 in high school there was a bunch of cockmongers that went are the school sneezing on people then saying "sorry".

I'm one of those jerks. But mine goes "OK now you're just looking for attention". Then I run out of the room laughing like a mad man.

OR

I'll say "Are you sick?"
Sneezer replies, "No why to you ask?"
Me: "Well you're sneezing a lot. Are you contagious?"
Sneezer: "I'm not sick"
Me: "Its obvious you're sick, why are you putting on a brave front? Is it terminal?"
Sneezer: "What are you talking about, I'm not sick!" (They move closer to me to make sure I hear'em)
Me: "Get away from me, I don't want what you have! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!"
Then I run out of the room like a mad man.

OR

My favorite is to just run out of the room if I don't know the person. It's even more fun if it's in public screaming germs, germs!

I think my favorite response may be my former roommate who, when someone would sneeze multiple times, would shout, "Cut the shit!"

there were a couple of weeks during which whenever anyone would sneeze, my roommate would look at them and say, matter-of-factly, 'you sneezed.'

"Matter of Factly 'you sneezed'" Is there suppose to be an additional meaning here?
Factly as if it is so wrong.

A joke for snobbery:
Sneeze
Look if you are going to sneeze that is what the barn is for. Care to join the pigs?
How dare you!
Alright we can battery farm you if you like then you'd be too busy to do such thing.


Someone told me that sneezing kills out the brain cells. The problem was that he couldn't prove it to me. I am not sure if this is a myth, has anybody heard this one before?

no additional meaning, just pointing out the fact that you sneezed. she thought it was silly that sneezing gets the special acknowledgement of 'bless you,' and to say nothing would imply that she either didn't notice or was ignoring it, so instead she just said, 'you sneezed.'

I see, okay well I use other terms. People said "bless you" to me many times but that above is so direct.

I can imagine on what could happen on saying that to the wrong people in my place:
"Excuse me sir you sneezed."
"So what? It isn't my problem."
"It has become my problem so manners please."
"I don't have to apologize to you or anyone, this is a free country and I can do what I like, plus this is a natural habit, how rude of you now get lost!"


Excuse me, you sneezed.
WhOt!
You sneezed.
Yeah! Well! so! what! I don't care. Now **** off!

I hope I have not offended anyone here, this is the common behaviour of some of the people in my place but for other situations.

Snobbery:
"Can you put a tissue over that porthole of yours so I don't have to your smell your puff coming from inside that trench hole?"

Did you know that there are sneezing fetish sites? Fact.

I'm horrible for really huge sneezes. It is my mission, one day, to crack a piece of glass/glassware simply through sheer volume. One day.

Erm... why not just buy one of those snazzy nosehair trimmers? Seriously, no guy really needs to pluck anything hairlike from his body these days. Pain!

I tried that with scizzors but they kept on growing back in the same place.
Pulling them might have been painful but they never grew back in that space of irritating me.

Also how about for coughing?
I apologize when I cough but is it considered any worse to sneezing here?

Scissors? OWIES

No, you can get specific nosehair trimmers which fit in your nose and... erm... trim your nosehairs. Far less painful than plucking, far more sane than using scissors. Might get a pair myself in the next year or so.

I seen them selling, might be good for hairs that continuously grow in the same place without the pain.